Yes change i need, but i want it to be good change. im feeling depressed right now. Ive been feeling good for 2 long and feel that im begining to take a hit again.

Lost - I understand the emotional rollercoaster you're on. What helps me is to 'see' that this is happening (my head will tell me) and I try to let it roll over me. I can't completely control it, so I just try to limit its impact. Let's face it, if you didn't have those feelings/emotions, you would be filing for a divorce. Depression is never good, unless it brings a WW back to their senses.

The other thing that helps me ride through the valleys of the 'coaster is exercise. Being physically active is gratifying to me and I think my WW has noticed the change in my physique. So, I think it makes me more attractive to her and, regardless of that, I feel better about myself.

Ironically enough, WW was headed in the opposite direction for a while - seeking comfort in food. That led to gaining weight, which, in turn led to feeling sad/down, due to weight gain.

You see how the cycle goes. Try to take the positive one - the [censored] in me says that I'm happy she was sad while seeing me improve physically. This is a choice, just like being in a marriage. The relationship stress can be dealt with in different ways - positively or negatively - both are 'change'.

well ive lost about 16 pounds already in 2 weeks. I have been hitting the pullup bar some. i cant commit to a full workout yet as i know im not eating or drinking well enough yet to put my body throught that. Ive definately noticed a change for the better in my body, just not mentally lol. fingers are crossed for today.

lost - keep an eye on that weight loss. I lost about 10% of my weight in 3-4 weeks and luckily it stopped. If you're hitting the pullup bar, then also add about 100 pushups and several hundred ab exercises at least every other day. Your body is shedding some fat, so use that to your advantage. Now is your chance to get some muscle definition and strength at the same time. Your WW will notice, trust me. This will fit squarely into plan A. (Ironically my WW said to me - you're getting too skinny - fogbabble on her part I think - she was 'finding' the weight I'd lost.)

The added benefit is that you'll be a bit more tired and hopefully able to shut down mentally at the end of the day. I notice that I run harder when I've had a tough, mental day. That's constructive IMHO.

However, I also use Olympic weights in the garage. If you do that, you have to be more careful. I lift without a spotter and at the beginning of all this I pushed myself too hard. I wound up having to dump the 25# plates off the 255# I was benching, because I couldn't complete the last repetition. Moral of the story, push yourself as hard as you can SAFELY do.

My motto for myself - do something physical every day. Frankly I don't care if she notices or not - I CARE!

thanks andym Im not really that out of shape. if i lost 10 more pounds i would be a about my ideal weight.

So last night she was to go to a friends. Got a call from my mil today and my truck was at om house all night. (not surprised). At this point ive had enough. I take the kids to school and come home and give OM a call. Talked to him for 45 minutes! She was on the way friends last night and he called her to come over and she came. He called her to end it on his part. He said they were up all night talking. Told her he was not going to marry anybody again, he wants his freedom, and that she was screwing up a beautiful family and he was no longer going to carry guilt of being a part of it. like i said this convo went on for 45 min. So im half way wandering what to believe here.

So this afternoon WW wants to meet for a treat after school to see kids, shes not ready to come home. We meet and it looks as if shes been sobbing the whole day. I asked her what her intentions were. she said that she would come home some time this weekend and start to work things out. She is bitter all over again and full of hurt all over again. After the way she was acting i knew what he said was true.

I gave her a call after we met and told her the door is open for when she is ready to come back to the family, but when she came it was time for the bs to stop and to come home ready to try, no second guessing. I told her im tired of everything about her and it was time for her to start thinking of others. She would have to lose her attitude and stop lying. I told her some of these things i know will take time. She said that girl that i married is gone and people change.

The only thing that changed in her was 4 months ago she started an affair and now she thinks shes a whole new woman. She wants to come see the kids tomorrow and then stay away for now. She needs time to mend. is there hope for her to change back to who she was?

Sounds like good news, Lost. Once she gets this a-hole out of her mind, then you'll start seeing your real wife again.

I probably don't need to tell you to watch her like a hawk. You'll know if she slips and breaks contact.

Shes just acting like a teenager that wants to rebell and go out and have a good time. As much as i have tried she would not do that with me, only om has got her to do this. Now shes all of a sudden changed. i am sick and tired of her crap. oh yah she threw her wedding ring out the car window the other night when her dad came and got her. Now shes sulking over this om at friends house and my kids are home crying and praying for their mom to get better and come home. They had me in tears. I cant believe ive been fighting for her to come home. It looks like shes about to come home soon and now i dont think i want her to. she is still so freaking selfish i want to kick her to the street and seek legal action.

Rant over

I Know I Know, been there, hate that.

Its like a clasification crap thing, an insult, nuetering all wrapped together as one.

I thought she wanted to be with a grown-up, but she just wanted to control me, and be a child.

Hang in there LM

It looks like shes about to come home soon

Wow!
Do you have any behavioral groundrules in place for this return?
Have you worked out a joint position to explain the situation to the kids?
Is there a Plan B - like going to her folks' place?

Good luck (as always) LM. You've been through a lot.

Lost - FWIW - my WW acts the same way. That mentality of all the fun with none of the responsibilities. Well, at some point reality will intrude on their lives as well.

My DS (5) has been spared almost all of the drama up to this point. When I see the pain in his eyes is when it'll be a dagger to the heart for me. I know it will hurt WW as well, but we'll see what's more important to her. Will it be la vida loca or the famil life. I made that point during counseling this week. You can't have a foot in both lives for a long time - sooner or later you need to choose.

I suggest you take a deep breath and try to figure out what the conditions are for her to come back.

right now she seems to still be on her little high horse. That really rubs me wrong. She wants to come see the kids but shes not sure about anything else. Shes in a fog all over again and its not fair that I have to deal with this $%#^. I started talking rules we wanted our old mom/wife back and she would start talking about the old her is gone and she may never come back. WTF, what gives her the right.

My response would be just a quiet almost Clint Eastwood intensity without the sneer:

The girl I knew was a good woman. The woman you are right now - not welcome to come home. Find the good woman and we'll talk.

Then hand her the Plan B letter, her parents are the intermediaries and let her find her own Christian recovery camp, if she wants to find her way home again.

Lost - be careful with that line of logic. I would venture to guess that you were a different person 5 years ago and you will be a different person in 5 years. So, I guess I'm saying that I wouldn't expect her 'old' self back. You'll have to deal with the [censored] and the kids will too. I would play that angle, the impact on the kids. She doesn't have the right to act like she is, but your ability to stop it is rather limited.

yes its true people change, but her change is based on what this a wipe has been pumping her up with and now she feels that she is better than everyone and deserves anything she wants. That is not right and it has only been 4 months. She wasnt changed into this person before the A

im trying to tell myself one step at a time. Im also trying not to call my lawyer. Good thing its the start of the weekend.

I need to vent. me and the boys had a good wrestling match all together and that helped. We had some pretty hard music blaring but nothing that would be inappropriate.

Do you think she talked to OM again this evening?

What about his wife--anything from her?

My W did the same crap, acted like she was being righteous or something like that. Completely pissed me off and it was the impact on my oldest son that really got to me. So, I certainly know what you mean when you say you're sick of the crap. For me, once OM was out of the picture, things really improved and I'd like to think your wife would act the same way. It's just getting to that point that is the hardest and will really wear you down.

Have your kids called mommy to say goodnight? She really needs to get the impact of this. You're an adult and can handle it compared to the little ones. They don't know the difference and have no one to fight for them but you and, apparently, their grandparents. IMHO, your wife needs to know this and to know that her behavior is not acceptable and is damaging her children. Being a crappy wife is, for me, at least, acceptable when compared to being a crappy mother.

But I sense that your wife, if she was herself, would never dream of doing anything to upset her kids. Maybe she needs to be reminded of what she has done right--a $LB peace-offering or donation, if you will.

lost - if it makes you feel any better, my WW is the same way. The woman I married was a free spirit, but she thought about things in the long term. The current version only thinks about the here and now - she can't be bothered with the future or anything complicated. She's going to buy a house and move out, I'm willing to bet that she thinks this is a 'long term' plan. She hasn't thought it all the way through, repairs, furniture, etc. I'm sure she hasn't thought about her DS either. The pain and hurt in his eyes will cut through the fog like nothing else. It might be short lived, but she'll feel the pain.

Vent away, LostMan!

Waywards seem to have a way of rewriting history. When she gets her head completely out of her rectum, she'll see the light. It sounds like she's seeing a glimmer, but hasn't experienced a complete rect-otomy yet.

I cut the rest off at this point, LM.

Sorry, but I'm not as optimistic as the others. The red text makes me see .

My "radar" is saying look for gaslight.

As for OM, there is no reason to spend 45 minutes on the phone with him. The only message I'd be giving is "stay away from my W!" (insert MelodyLane's Wyatt Earp video clip here).

No one who is breaking things off spends all night doing it.

Her behavior subsequent to this also makes me very suspicious.

God, I hope I'm wrong, and she really IS on her way home.

But it sounds to me like your $LB is pretty drained, and in my opinion, you'd be well off preparing Plan B...

She just continues to hurt me so much and i feel like im to an end. She said she is coming back home soon and i asked her what does that mean. back to what? the boys? Husband? She just kept saying what do you mean? I said you cant even tell me after ive spelled it out you are coming home to all of us. She has a chip on her shoulder. I told her to come home when she was ready so maybe a little more time will help. She threw her freaking wedding ring out the car window. I think this hurts me the most right now as well as watching my wife cry for a lost man again and the bitterness in her heart and her no remorse. How could 4 months f her brain up so bad.

As for the kids, my most sensitive kit punches another today at school for no reason. they really didnt even want to see her when we went for a treat together. She didnt seem to care yet she wants to come home over the weekend to see them. This is not her at all.

Lost - those are just indicators that she's still deep in the fog. No mother, in her right mind, doesn't want to see her kids. Her brain is like jello right now, try to hang tough. It's hard, I'm frustrated tonight too!

I would keep a careful eye on the kids though. There's leverage you can exploit and for good reason. They're her kids too. That's one thing I have going for me, my WW will not have another child. It's virtually impossible. I, on the other hand, COULD have another child and that bothers WW. It also bothers her that I could date a woman that has kids or could have kids. One of the few advantages of being a male, dating younger women is more socialably acceptable, etc.