I have no frickin' idea what my identity is or what it has ever been. I think that is part of why I am here. I really don't know what my place in the world is or where/what I want to be defined as.

What you can't understand right now (because you aren't practicing it) is that by "giving up" these things and focusing solely on your husband and your M you WILL "fall in love" with him again. Remember how when you were first dating and you only wanted to be with him? That is your goal again ~ when you can both stop annoying/hurting/lovebusting each other and you both begin meeting each other's ENs completely, trust me...you won't miss any of this other "stuff". I know this to be true because we do all the things everyone here is suggesting for you and we are in love.


What if you lost what you "think" your current identity is in order to find the identity of being a very in-love wife, with a very in-love husband? Would that be worth it?


RED FLAG!! Guess how you became an adulterer?


Oh, phew. However the fact that you even mentioned this means you "know it" in your head but you aren't yet willing to make your actions meet this knowledge.


Well, change is always hard, right? The more you practice, the easier it becomes. I know for certain we wouldn't go back to how things used to be because we are much happier now...my H says he is happier than he's ever been in our marriage. Why would we give that up?

Why not start with a faithful, loving wife? One who made a mistake but is more than willing to correct it and be a better person for it?

That would be an awesome identity to have, don't you agree?

STOP looking at ANYTHING ABOUT HIM...anything online, pictures, old emails, ANYTHING.

Stop listening to music that reminds you of him.

You are CHOOSING to think about this OM. This is completely and totally in your control. It's up to you to stop this.

Hi strugglin...

I want to show you something -- I think the similarities may really resonate with you...

One of your posts from tonight:


And my very first post to this forum made July 1, 2005


Today, nearly 6 years after Dday, I am very passionately in love with my husband. I did NOT believe that could ever happen back then. I was so very unsure. It took a leap of faith, and some great words from some very wise people here, but I trusted them that my feelings would follow my actions and chose to work the program with my husband. Strugglin, if you think about it, you've already proven to yourself that your feelings will follow your actions -- look no further than the affair -- look where all your time was invested -- look at your actions towards OM -- What happened? Your feelings followed those actions, yes?

Strugglin, the most important thing I can tell you is this: Staying in your marriage IS the RIGHT thing - NO ONE EVER REGRETS DOING THE RIGHT THING. I sure haven't - not even for a moment.

A genuinely recovered marriage is a wonderful and miraculous thing -- it's priceless, and all you have to do is choose to act to have that. Will you?

Mrs. W

Thank you SOOOO much Mrs. Wondering for that post!!!!

That certainly inspired me, Mrs. W.

::sniff, sniff::

Sure, anytime...

I know you and your husband are working with Steve, but have you considered also doing the online program? I can't say enough good things about the MB Program -- it's a real Godsend and doing it gives you daily access to Dr. Harley [Steve's dad] on the private board, as well as a private MB accountability coach to help you every step of the way...It keeps your actions on course so that feelings of romantic love develop and REMAIN...

Mr. W and I did the Weekend Program back in 2007 -- it is the same as the online program...What I would recommend if you do the online program would be to get a hotel for the weekend -- treat it just like you would if they were still doing the "Weekend Program" -- This makes it a weekend away for the two of you and keeps you focused on what the whole thing is about...

What do you think?

Mrs. W

Wanna know what an OM can do? How lovely an ema is? How "wonderful" and "stable" your magical Om is?

Go read the thread right now on "Affairs Kill Families".

This is what the sin does to you. It can lead people down a path to no return.

You're in love with a lie, plain and simple. A fantasy. Smoke.

But you could have a real 100% love affair with your precious, H, if you can begin to open your eyes, really work the MB program, and go through the stages of withdrawal to get to the other side.

Your reputation, decency, and self worth is waiting for you on the other side.

Mrs Wondering, I went back and read your posts from the very first day you logged on here and it was SO inspiring to me. It helps to keep me on track when I can read other peoples story, because just as you said, I felt like mine was unique and the real thing. I VERY EASILY want to fall off of the "right" track and being on here helps keep me focused.

Mrs. Wondering, tell me a little bit more about the online program. How long does it take to complete? Do we need to work with Steve weekly plus do this? Also, honestly, how long did it take for you to lose feelings for the OM? Do you still find that you think of him to this day, wonder about the "what ifs"?

Pay very close attention to Mrs. W - she's a heavy hitter who will give you great guidance. Glad to see you on this thread, Mrs. W!

I'm glad my fog-ridden posts have been good for something other than lining a bird-cage!

Here's a funny little tidbit about my old threads -- I can't remember if I've ever told this here or not...One of the people posting on my thread to me was Mr. W - under another name - and I thought that guy was the smartest thing EVER...and I would call Mr. W into the room and say, "Listen to what this guy said, he is so smart!" and I would proceed to read him his very own posts! And he didn't let on that it was him for about a year and a half! Funny isn't it? I was attracted to Mr. W without even knowing that it was Mr. W at a time when I was here screaming that I was NOT attracted to Mr. W!

I agree with you, being here DOES help keep you focused and for a time it even replaces "OM" in a way and as long as it does not do that permanently then that is a good thing and is okay. What you mustn't do is get stuck in this stage though. You must ACT. And I know that isn't easy, but it IS necessary and in the long run you will be oh-so-glad you did. You can't just sit around and wait for some "magic feeling" to overtake you, because that won't happen.

Wanna hear something really sappy sounding -- it happens to me a lot now -- We live in Michigan and it's been pretty snowy here this year which has meant a bunch of nights curled up watching movies -- and I get tearful during these nights a lot -- because they are FUN -- just our little family all cozy and warm -- and I almost threw this away -- I can't believe how blessed I am, strugglin -- I did not deserve the second chance I was given -- I did not deserve one ounce of the grace or mercy that I have been shown -- but I'm so grateful -- I'll never stop being grateful for this beautiful, happy family of ours...It is the best thing in the world...I want that for you too -- and it is within your grasp.

Mrs. W

AWWWW!!!!!! Mrs. W, that is the first time since this affair has been exposed that someone has made me teary eyed. Thank you, thank you, thank you, I am so grateful for you. So, honestly, how do I proceed at this point. Just jump all in with my H and try to go on like nothing happened, try to meet his emotional needs, spend our 20 hours together, what exactly??

The online program -- it's amazing -- you work at your own pace -- The great thing is your coach will guide you -- along with Dr. Harley -- about which parts you should do first...You have access to Dr. Harley and the MB coaches for a LIFETIME...LIFETIME ACCOUNTABILITY...How cool is that?

About Steve, well that's a tough one for me to answer -- I just think he's such a great guy that it's difficult for me to tell you not to coach with him, even though to me the MB Program is complete on it's own -- But listen, if you can afford to do both then that surely is the best, huh? Right now your marriage is on life support, so my feeling is "the more the merrier", but I would ask Steve or one of the MB coaches for their advice where that is concerned.

How long did it take me to lose feelings for OM -- Oh man, it's been such a long time ago that that happened, I truly can't remember exactly...I know that the affair ended in June, last contact in early July [the ugliness of that is detailed in one of my early threads] and by August we took a road trip and listened to His Needs/Her Needs on CD together and that marked a big turning point in our recovery -- I began to feel a real connection with Mr. W again...[and why did I begin to "feel" that way? look at what I was doing...road trip alone with Mr. W - focused on our marriage and what we could do to make it the best it could be...]

Today the only "what ifs" I have are the ones that go like this: "OMG, what if I had thrown away my family? What if our daughter didn't know the kind of life she has now? What if I had ripped her security away from her? What if I didn't get to wake up safe and secure next to Mr. W every morning?" and about a million other "what ifs" associated only with what if I hadn't done the right thing. I'm positive I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be -- absolutely no doubt about it -- for real.

Mrs. W

Very good! I have an individual appt with Steve tomorrow so I will ask him about the online program for us. I would venture to say that we may need a little more coaching to get our feet on the ground before we are turned over to ourselves. Again, I appreciate your willingness and openness with my questions and your advice (which I take as being very caring and heartfelt).

Mrs. W is awesome...truly inspiring, I'm so glad she posted to you! She doesn't pull any punches and as a FWW I'm sure she makes a lot more sense ~ AND ~ you believe her more than you do us, even if we were telling you the same things.

See? We weren't lying...this stuff really works!

(((((strugglin)))))

I'm very glad that you're here. Let us know how tomorrow's appointment with Steve goes, okay?

Mrs. W