I just need to know just what should I do, or not do. This is terribly hard. Let me know your thoughts. To tell or not to tell him what I think he may choose to ignore. I think we need to get it out if we are going forward, but some say I should not tell my husband I had an affair. Yes i am trying to end it, no contact no calls. I just want to know how can we move forward if he is not looking or maybe chosing not to look at it? Can I even be fair in not telling him? If he nor I have said, how can he make a decision to stay or go, work it out or give up? Thank you.

Of course you should tell your husband about your affair. This is information about his life that he has a right to know. To not tell him is cruel and manipulative.

AND, most of all, makes recovery of your marriage impossible. Good marriages cannot be based on deceit.

I appreciate your response. I have been searching so much for the right thing to do. I know that what I did was wrong and from my perspective I thought how can he decide what it is 'he' wants if 'he' ignores it or wont confront it? How can he go forward in any possible way? I dont want manipulation at all. I do want him to be aware and make a decision that is best for him. Some friends say no dont tell just move on, but how to do that???? My mom says the opposit, that it must be confronted. Thank you.

Hi NoComfort, welcome to Marriage Builders. It appears the system was down for a day or so; the lack of responses to your question is not due to people ignoring it, but that they couldn't get on to read it.

First, as Yoda might have said, "there is no 'try.' There is only DO or NOT DO." Ending an affair is a simple as stopping. It is not a romantic melding of hearts, it is merely a selfish, cruel brutalization of a marriage. Dr. Harley recommends that a handwritten letter to the Other Man (OM) be written severing all ties and all contact FOR LIFE.

This letter is sent in conjunction with the approval from your husband. So, to answer your question, the plain and simple reply is, "Yes, your husband must know." He must be made aware of how you have assaulted your marriage and be allowed to choose how he wants to proceed.

You do know that not telling him is to live a lie, don't you? And that lie will disturb your every day going forward. If you do not tell him, you will never recover your marriage. More than likely, another affair will develop (or the current one will be renewed) and it will ultimately destroy your marriage.

Now is the time to try to fix what is wrong. Have you read the articles on this site? Please take some time and do so. Pick up the book, "Surviving An Affair" -- written by this site's founder and world-renowned psychologist, Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD.

Please also understand that you're going to get some pretty in-your-face reactions from many here, who are the betrayed spouses (BS) of a wayward spouse (WS). Do not run from this. It's one of the consequences you need to face.

Please stick around. MB can help your recover your marriage. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done.

After you have read the articles here, you might also want to direct your husband to this site -- we can help him, as well.

Thank you. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am thankful to have found this website and to have the responses to help me.

Nocomfort, have you ended the affair? Have you ended all contact with the OM? Who is this guy and how did you meet him?

How long married? Any kids?

yes, I think they are going to be pretty brutal, but I am trying to read between the anger and hurt to get to what needs to be done. Thank you again.

NoComfort, you are very fortunate. MelodyLane has taken an interest in your situation. She is one of the best! She has over nine years of experience and has an encyclopedic knowledge of Dr. Harley's works and principles.

I will back out and let the two of you get to work.

Please listen to her and do exactly what she recommends!

It is newly ended. Only day two. So I am going through some of what I think is normal reactins given the reading I have been doing - sad, confused. But I also know from the reading that i cannot work on a marriage with an open window because i am not giving my all. The only thing now is to tell him so he 'clearly' knows. I know my husband well and his nature is to avoid a lot of things, avoid confronting things. But i know that this is not good and we cannot work on something that he refuses to face when the signs where there. This is why I struggle because i know him. I dont want to hurt him further, I just want him to have a fair opportunity to decide and I am afraid that like many things in our life together he does not want to know.

Have you planned out what you are going to say and when?

Thank you. I have been doing a lot of reading. I know from WebMD sites for example , doctors say a lot of things can cause infidelity in a marriage but it is not the end, but it can mean a LOT of work. I take full responsiblity for my actins. I know it was wrong, clearly. In all accounts my husband is what you would call a 'wonderful guy'. He is pleasant to be around, likes to stay very busy, meetings, volunteers at our place of worship, goes to help out his tenant or supports her son at a ball game, volunteers at communitiy meetings, likes reading many things, watching tv, or surfing the net for information on things. And so I think you get my point. He says he needs his space when he comes home. That he is tired and just needs to unwind. So as the distance grows, so did I. I began to do more and more by myself, travel with girlfriends, go out. We would connect and then disconnect. I would want time with him to love, he would need a little room. And so it went. And now here I am. I am not justifying anything that I have done. I accept my wrong. I just want out of my own pain and dont know how.

I have plans to do just that Fred direct him to this site

You can't put the impetus on him to ASK you about the affair. Many husbands, without absolute proof standing before their eyes, will see the signs and hope--blindly--that they're wrong. In addition, he is showing trust in you. Many betrayed husbands (and wives) are so devastated by the thought of their spouse cheating, it's easier to push the signs away and think "I trust my wife/husband, I don't want to pry and sound suspicious and untrusting."

Just because he has not confronted you, does not mean he doesn't care about the affair. I assure you he would care immensely. He is probably just hoping you are trustworthy and have nothing to hide, so he hasn't confronted you.

Unfortunately, your pain is not going away for a very long time. And will pale in comparison to the pain he feels when he finds out. Do you have someone who could watch your son for the night so you can tell your H without your son being there?

Dr Harley also recommends telling your children and your family, but I would tell your H first and do it alone if you can.

Melody. I gave him my number 2 years ago. He is an independent contractor and I have a rental home. I was out doing what I usually do to get the house ready for a new tenant. i said I often need help with the house when i get it ready to rent. He would call every now and then, once a month or ever other month. I usually never answered the phone. One day I did. I spent a lot of time on and off by myself when my husband and I were not connectd and he was busy again. I got tired of complaining over the years. Thought I'd just accept things, or replace what I was missing with other things to be more accurate. I had a leak in the bathroom and I had saved his number under home repairs, called and asked if he could fix the problem. He did. Yes i did tell him I was married. And yes I was flattered by the attention - and that was wrong. I saw him again after he repaired my rental. I was wrong. I was lonely. I want to his home. If it matters at all, there was no sex that night. But emotionally I was broken and heard the words I wanted or needed to hear. Yes we began seeing each other after that day. My husband and i have no children together. He has 5 of his own from a previous marriage all grown and I have 3 from a prevous 2 grown.

My mom can probably watch my daughter, she is 16 so she is not a young child. i was moving toward telling him tonight so this forum is , I feel, what I need to decide what to say and if today is the day I should say.

What is this about? This sounds very suspicious.

No no no he loves his faith too much to do anything like I have done so forgive me if I implied that. He just spends a lot of time away from home doing a lot of things thats all.

he likes to do a lot of things, he might be at a boyscout meeting one day, or speaking at the county school board against school closings.

I am / we are reading a section on Marriage and Divorce as it is outlined by our faith. In it is clarity from a faith perspective on how to deal with adultry. This is where I thought I would begin tonight.