Oh. I also forgot to mention that I was also one member in a two-member relationship in which I was the recipient of the abuse of a boyfriend. Three years, that one.

I got out. Successfully.

The things we forget when we are focused on marriage. Thank goodness I didn't marry that guy. And to think there was a time when I thought that was what I wanted! SHEESH!

Glad I grew up.

SB

Humility,

What's happening to you right now is that you are pretty angry with your husband for exposing your affair to everyone. You're mad because he has shared this with people, and it is something you wanted no one to know of.

Your sincerest desire is to make this "business" go away quietly, quickly, and have no one mention it ever again. That would be the "easiest" thing to do, right?

Fact is, it would be "easiest". Sure. Easiest for you.

It would be a marriage-killer, though.

The truth is that you had an affair, and if you sweep it under the rug, the problem will resurface. It will come back in the form of resentment, distrust, and anger - directly from your husband.

And another truth is that without exposure, your husband cannot trust that you will stay away from your affair partner. By exposing, he has extra eyes out there, extra support for the marriage, and whether you believe it or not, extra support for YOU.

You will need help, in the form of "extraordinary precautions" to guide you away from the path of future affairs. When others are aware that your marriage needs support, they can help you, and they will understand and support you when you use extraordinary precautions. For example, if you are with your friends, and one of your EPs is to call home when you get to a certain point (because it makes your husband feel safe), your friend might remind you, or might not question you when you do it. They support you.

There are many reasons to have exposure. The main reason is to have SUPPORT FOR THE MARRIAGE. It has nothing to do with public humiliation.

You may feel humiliated - that is because you have done something that is wrong, and humiliation is a natural result of being caught in this situation. For that, I'm afraid there is no cure, except for you to change your behavior, resolve to make changes in yourself so that you never repeat the mistake,

and to make appropriate and sincere apologies and restitution to those you have harmed by your affair.


You can start the process by reading a couple of books:

After the Affair
Surviving an Affair


and one that has nothing whatsoever to do with affairs, but one that you might just find gets you back on track in your life...

Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the box.


All are excellent.


One more thing. Each person who has posted to you has posted to HELP you. It is only your pain and feelings of guilt that has colored your reception as them "attacking" you.

You are welcome here, and you can repair your marriage. You have hurt your husband, but he wants to forgive you.

You have to let him in for that to happen, and you have to believe in your own worthiness of forgiveness.

SB

Can I take a moment to make this about me?

I get very perturbed by posters who show up here, asking for help, and then don't have the courage to accept or dispute what they get in return.

Schoolbus' posts are hard-hitting and are excellent. And they obviously are falling on deaf ears. Because the originating poster doesn't want to hear actual experience that will force them to examine themselves and find themselves lacking.

It is painful to see posters take time out of their busy lives to help someone who really doesn't want that help. They just want validation.

That's a shame.

Sorry, I've t/j. Humility, you're up.

After seeing all your great advice and posts, I have asked my WW to start her own thread here to get opinions from all y'all. Might not be such a great idea but maybe it'll help her wake up a bit. Sorry to hijack. Back to humility...