Good phrase! "Paper bully" is absolutely right. And that was perfect what you said in response to the suggestion that the OM has any honor. Good grief. You are doing great!

Now, the hard part starts, I am sorry to say. It starts, that is, as long as you can get her on the phone with Steve. When you say "hiatus" what does that mean? One day? Because I sure hope it is not much longer than that. The faster she is on the phone with Steve the sooner she will start thinking of the promise of your marriage and the sooner she will start rendering aide TO YOU, her bleeding patient. You don't want her to sit there and stew in affair withdrawal without having something to fill the gap with. She needs to get on the phone this week!

When your wife starts treating your wounds. Steve will help her realize that you're the victim, you're her patient (as Mel said).

The sooner she speaks with him, the sooner that process begins.

How did she end it with OM?

I'd tell you to keep up the snooping, but I get the feeling you don't need the reminder.

Congrats F4L! I'm extremely happy for you and wish you nothing but the best as you work on your recovery. Keep in mind, it probably won't be a straight path, try to be patient.

that's exactly how Steve explained it. I am the patient, she is the doctor, he is the supervisor. By hiatus I mean very briefly. A day, two at most.

She ended it by calling him as he was leaving an AA meeting. Her care for his well being - and simultaneous disregard for mine - makes me want to puke. I have no illusion that she was motivated not by righting a terrible wrong but for concern for DS2. But as we know the A has to be killed by any means available and that is done. Whoop-de-freaking-do, like you say, now the hard part begins.

fight, you have a VAR in her vehicle, right? So you heard WW's side of the conversation with OM?

Like you said, phone convo after his AA meeting sounds like such a caring, intimate way to end things. I wonder if Steve will advise sending another NC letter.

she gave me the story accurately. OM basically yelled at her for 20 minutes, the POS. Later he sent me an email, which I promptly deleted. He has not attempted contact since.

Things are normalizing somewhat. Haven't set up another appointment with Steve, but the subject has been broached and she is not objecting.

We have a ton stuff set up over the next month - a broadway show, a fundraiser w/a dinner dance, hosting her family for DS2's confirmation. We also have a family vacation set up for June in Turks & Caicos & we're going to Las Vegas in December. It is soooo nice to be making plans 9 months out again.

When do I get to start refering to her as FWW?

When she recovers!


Go get it while the getting is good!! She may not agree tomorrow or the next day, so please move in while she is agreeable to this. I think one phone session with Steve will get her head on the right track.

And at what you said on the other thread about the potato chip!!

f4l ~ if I can recommend one thing ~ a mistake I made early into recovery ~ is do not set the bar too low. At the time I thought it was "high enough" only to find out it wasn't.

It's a huge mistake, got us into a false recovery and has made our "real" recovery h*ll. Don't do this. Don't fall for the "but I'm doing the best I can" line...if it isn't good enough, command more. It's really your only hope.

We've had one of the hardest recoveries I've seen. Hindsight is 20/20.

Steve advised me to tell her that the goal is to restore love in the M completely and to have no lingering issues from the A. I'm asking her to set up an appointment tonight.

Meantime we are spending A LOT of time together. We do yoga together 3 times a week, we call to check in with one another during the day, weekends are filled up. I feel like I'm beginning to get my life back, but at the same time I realize that there is a long road ahead.

I also feel like time is finally on my side, although I am anxious to make productive use of that time. I wish I could just enjoy not having to consider all the junk that runs thru your mind while the A is active.

It is also nice to have the tension turned down about 5 notches and to see the return of some of her better qualities. We have agreed to be radically honest with each other and I can see the ardor in her when she says "I will never lie to you again about anything."

F4L - YOU ROCK! That's awesome - I know you're not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination, but this is great progress!

This is called the "honeymoon period". Most couples in recovery seem to go through it. Eventually it might settle back down to something closer to drudging through recovery but for now...enjoy it.

Also ~ read up on hysterical bonding if you haven't already. Don't be shocked if it happens to you and don't think it's weird. OTOH, don't be shocked if it DOESN'T happen and don't think that's weird either. Either way is ok but I like to warn people ahead of time what might be coming (no pun intended).

MF - this hysterical bonding concept is awesome, but I wonder what drives it. Is it the guilt or the true rekindling of a romance?

I have no idea...it's been suggested that it's our natural drive to want to build the intimacy that SF creates back up, as well as a re-claiming of what was "ours".

I just know it was freaking awesome and I wish hysterical bonding happened more frequently and NOT as the result of an A. LOL.

MF - LMAO - well, I haven't been anywhere near SF since January and it doesn't look like it'll happen in the near future either. So, I'm happy that it happens to someone out there. Wishing it'll be me some time in the future!

I'm sorry...that's so hard.

Oops...no pun intended, again.

Seriously...I am sorry. That sucks. Darn, I just did it again.

I better stop now, this is going to get worse before it gets better.

WW got up at 5:30 this morning and announced she will talk to Steve. I'm grateful, naturally, but I know we're on step 4 out of 100. Just wish I could fast forward this thing.

There were times when I was sure I would never even get this far, so I'm pleased, but this dang road seem soooooo long.

f4l - That's awesome, one day at a time, one step at a time. Looks like you're in the pattern.

thanks, Andy. I know I ought to be happier about this, but I really want to feel like I'm out of the woods but realize I'm not anywhere close just yet.

f4l, this is a huge step in the right direction! Good job!