I don't understand why you're all relating desire directly to having sex. Sexual desire also includes just finding someone attractive. I see beautiful woman all the time, and yes I may undress them in my mind, I have fantasies on occasion, but I RESTRAIN myself as best I can. I even will look AWAY from these women so as to not have sexual thoughts. I intentionally do not look at other women when I am with my wife, as best I can.

Even LD women have this kind of desire, my wife will DEFINITELY notice a young buck on TV. I also hear women TALKING about these guys when they get together. So physical attraction is DEFINITELY how many relationships start. My wife definitely noticed me physically before their was any love. I would LOVE to get this kind of attention.

Then stop being a bitter jerk. Seriously. Do you like ANYTHING about your wife?

You are equating two things that are NOT similar. You are comparing an apple to an orange, thinking since they are both fruit they are both the same. You are viewing the world permanently through the lens of your sexual frustration and there is a whole other world people are trying to explain to you.

Many men - of which I think you may be one - see a woman and want to have sex with them. The woman is attractive, and the man is visually stimulated thus, if a woman indicates she'd be willing and the man doesn't have anything holding him back (significant other, etc.) he will sleep with her.

Women - most of those I've talked to - are not that way.

I can look at a guy and think "Man he is HAWT! Look at those shoulders and his eyes... swoon" and actually NOT want to have sex with him. I am looking - appreciating a visually appealing object, but that doesn't translate into a desire to have sex with the guy. Physically, he does not arouse me in any way.

There is a Swedish DJ I think is absolutely GORGEOUS. I sit and drool over his videos. He is very, very nice to look at. DH was Googling him and stumbled on some nude photographs of him and mentioned them to me - I had ZERO desire to look at them. None.

I have never fantasized about this guy sexually, I've never thought about him in a sexual way...

But my old college roommate was just as attractive as this DJ. First time I saw him I thought I got punched in the stomach he was so good looking. Didn't start fantasizing about him until a few months after becoming friends and living together - after we'd developed a friendly relationship and gotten to know one another.

I trash talk about scorin' hot guys. Always have - but it is just that: talk. It's sass and brag.

I've dated some guys that aren't my physical 'type'. Passing them on the street I wouldn't have looked twice. But man did I desire them - couldn't keep my hands off them... because the EMOTIONAL connection was there.

Physical Attraction can start a relationship - but that isn't what triggers the desire for sex. How many women do you think went on a date with a hot guy, only to find out he was a jerk... you think the guy got any?

Or maybe the guy did get some - then his jerkish behavior emerged... you think he kept getting any? Not from any healthy, self respecting woman.

Your wife noticed you - but she didn't sleep with you for purely physical reasons. If you were abusive, neglectful or unlikable there would have been no progression to your relationship. She noticed you - so you got that first date, you got that foot in the door. I can almost guarantee you that your looks had less to do with her decision to eventually sleep with you than you think- they were the icing on the cake. Your BEHAVIOR is what persuaded her to sleep with you.

Not trying to be rude here, but a single guy who just wants to get the need filled can buy any number of women who will swear up and down they want to be with him.....then they grow up and want more.

I just had a short conversation with my LD husband. He again told me how much he LOVES me and how he wants to meet whatever need I have, how badly he feels that his brain just doesn't automatically "go there" the way mine does. I see hurt in his eyes when he says that. And I think....how DARE I not appreciate the fact that he wants to be what I need even when it doesn't come naturally?

I mean, here is a man who loves me, who sticks with me through all the bipolar moods, who reassures me, who is faithful to me, who is so amazing in so many ways....and I am going to stamp my foot like a five year old just because he doesn't think about sex exactly the way I do???? No, I refuse to be a spoiled brat.

writer is right, cemar, this is the words you used to insult your wife.

WHen you first started posting here you shared a lot of insight you'd received from your pastor. I just want to know if you communicate with this pastor about your struggles with things like being an insulting husband.

Do you and your pastor believe it is okay for a man to insult his wife?

And now I read that you undress women with your eyes. Does your pastor know about this? Do you and he believe this is okay?

No wonder she doesn't like you.

Anyone who tells me, or even thinks, that I HAVE ISSUES (in caps no less) can **** off. Your poor wife.

Admit that you have your own issues and work on them or get a divorce and quit whining about it. Your wife deserves better.

And this ^

Cemar, if you want attention, then you better make yourself worthy of it.

Nobody's going to fall all over an old, obsessive, fat, greedy man.

Try working on yourself to earn the desire from others.

EasyE:

Actually, I have have spent decades working out. I am in better shape than 90% of the guys my age, but I still want to lose about 20 more pounds. I actually have had some women notice me, and I was not even trying. To bad I can not get my wife to notice. Unfortunately, I think for many women, it is hard to maintain excitement for something that you have been around for 25 years. My wife reads romance novels, and my guess is that their are few LONG TERM relationships inthose books. THe newness factor plays a huge role for women, not so much for men since we are overflowing with testosterone.

And all the weightlifting I do greatly INCREASES my sexual desire level, and makes the desire difference between myself and wife even LARGER. My wife also complains that it sucks that women can not lose weight and I replace regular pop with diet pop and lose 30 pounds in a year, whike she eats rabbit food everyday.

So this is on the only point you are going to address, the one that called you fat?

How is your plan A going? What LB's did your wife say you were guilty of perpetrating on her? What have you done today to meet her top emotional need. Did she say you are doing an excellent job of meeting her needs. I.E. are you as enthusiastic about meeting her needs as you expect her to be about meeting yours? How did your conversation with your pastor go when you confessed your disrespectful thoughts regarding your wife?

Really, all you are going to tell us about is how you are in great shape.

You may be in excellent physical shape. So what? You are miserable because you are not having enthusiastic sex.

I'll bet you that if you replace your complaints with compliments and respectful requests, that instead of her eating rabbit food, she'll be all over you like a bunny in heat.

But as long as she feels unloved and that she doesn't measure up, she'll be a shy bunny, eating her rabbit food and too scared for sex.

Good work, then, Cemar.

I don't know what the answer is, but your wife is not going to suddenly "fix" her low desire, because according to her, I'm sure, she doesn't feel she has a problem.

And you can't expect the kind of fireworks you had when you first met, because thet young, giddy love has given away to a more mature, familiar kind of love.

Sometimes, with these issues in which sexual fulfillment are not being met, I think it is best to not "vocalize" the issue so much. Over-discussing it, it seems, starts to sound like begging, which is not attractive.

I've been in your situation before, and I found it of no use to talk it to death with her. I got better results when I made myself as attractive to her as possible (in her way, not mine), and letting her come to me. It still didn't happen as much as I would have preferred.

Enlighteded_Ex:

You have to realize that alot of the unhappiness that older women have with their bodies comes from THEM, not their husbands. My wife has several physical issues, like weight, cholesteral, a LD, and a hyopoactive thyroid, which causes her to tire easily. I do NOT COMPLAIN TO HER ABOUT ANYTHING. SHE IS COMPLETELY UNHAPPY WITH HER OWN BODY IMAGE. She does not feel sexual at all, because she does not like the way she is.

I do not suggest anything to her, because that is a no win situation. Only SHE can figure this out. She will NOT want any help from me.

I agree with this, however, it sure is hard to not let it show and continue trying to meet needs.

I disagree, you do have to suggest something to her, that you love her even if she doesn't love herself.

Sometimes you have to show someone that you love them for them to begin to love themselves again.

I see no evidence that you are willing to do that. Because once again, you've been given a list of questions about what YOU are doing, and you are telling me what I have to realize.

What you have to realize is that my wife and I are 40 somethings, with me closer to a 50 something. We still, after three years of marriage have mind blowing, toe curling sex almost every night. On the weekends it might be more than once a day.

My wife and I both want to lose some weight. We sporadically hit the gym. We sometimes eat too many meals out. But you know what. My wife knows she is loved. So she doesn't worry about what her body looks like because she is confident that I love her.

So we can get into a "fight" splashing each other with finger-fulls of water at a restaurant last night and then run home and make love.

We embarrass our blended family.

Now you can say we are newly weds if you want, but the truth is, we've both worked to make sure the other knows they are loved.

This stuff works when you apply it.

Complaining about your spouse will only get you more to complain about.

Which do you want?

My parents married in 1961. They are 68 and 76. Both have had a variety of health challenges. Mom of course has gone through menopause, has had other hormone problems, and has hypothyroid. They have had a very active sex life for 50 years and STILL ML several times a week. STILL.

Cemer, you can blame your wife all you want but pretty much everyone here, HD nad LD, sees your anger, bitterness, and unwillingness to change ANYTHING about yourself clearly. Not to mention, for someone who has sought the Biblical wisdom of a pastor, I see NO evidence that you love your wife as Christ loved the church. None.

cemar, I notice that you are posting and responding to other people, but that you have not answered my questions.

Can we talk for a bit about the fact that you are here insulting your wife? Can we talk about facing up to that, honestly?

markos:

How again is it that I am insulting my wife? Are we supposed to just ignore the dysfunctions or not call them dysfunctions, even though in reality they are? Having a Hypoactive thyroid is not a dysfunction?

I am hypothyroid. I do not consider myself dysfunctional. I have a medical condition, a fairly common and highly treatable one. That does not make me dysfunctional. And yes, the term is insulting.

I have hypothyroidism, and I do consider it a dysfunction. It doesn't affect my weight or sex drive, but even with levothyroxin, I still have brittle nails and hair, and I also have several issues with my skin.

Is my body functioning properly? No. So, it is a dysfunction in the medical sense of the word, and I don't find it insulting.

Here's what you said:


You are saying that everybody's love language is supposed to be physical touch, and that only messed up people have a love language that is not physical touch.

You are saying that there is something wrong with your wife for not having physical touch as her love language.

This is extremely insulting, cemar. There are LOTS of people whose love language is not physical touch. That's what the whole "love languages" book is supposed to be about: learning that it is normal for people to be different.