Good job! I'm glad it had a positive outcome.

Wow, opt. If ever there was a prime example of "man up," that was it! I'm proud of you!

Thanks everyone for the positive sentiments. It means a lot coming from folks whose integrity I admire.

Wow, what a weekend!
NatureGirl's birthday was Friday. I took her and her daughter to the nail salon and then her and her son out to a Boston club to see this band. We got back to her place at around midnight and daughter wasn't home which I was a little surprised about (she's 19). 30 minutes later a knock at the door: cops. "Mrs. NG, you're daughter's been in a terrible accident and she's on her way to MGH in an ambulance." Spent the rest of the evening and next morning in the ER. She is okay... a total miracle. Picked up my son at 9am Saturday as promised for hair cuts and clothes shopping. Dropped him and 1p ~ he does a little job with wxw; picked up DD9. Took daughter in to hospital spent a couple hours there until they released NG's daughter. Spent most of today with NG, her daughter, and DD9. I thought I did alright - able to keep my commitments to my kids (including tending to D9 and her fever/sore throat), able to get to church, colored eggs for Easter, walked the beach; and still was there for NG.

How does any of this relate to the topic of dating and relationships?

I guess it doesn't. Except that at no point did I consider not going through any of that with NG, or trying to do what I could for her. I guess that means something. I was also very impressed with NG's handling of the situation in a lot of ways. It told me a lot about her character and crisis management abilities. We worked well together; there's a wavelength match for sure.

opt

You know, opt, it sounds like two adults doing adult things and handling them like adults.

To which I say, "good for you." (And NG, too!).

Accually it is important that you both see how you act under pressure in a crisis situation. I think it means a lot. Now if she or you went into a three day drinking binge just to, well ya know, "deal with it", lol... well you get my drift...

Now you can feel even better about sharing yourself with someone you trust even more.

Like Fredo said. ITA

Hats off to you and NG! I, too, think it very important to see how people react in a crisis...because eventually, we all have them. I think you showed her you are a friend who can be counted on and you both learned something about each other. What a weekend, though, did you ever get any sleep?

Thanks guys. Yeah, things calmed down after a day or so. I went NG to get some stuff out of the car. What a mess. I can't believe she survived.

It's been quite a learning experience. Not just regarding relationships but what I have to be aware of as my kids get older.

Anyway, it definitely brought NG and I closer together. She said today how much she appreciated I was there for all of it. From my side, I am to the point that I just want to be with her, even if it is a crisis situation; I like her a lot. I was glad to have the opportunity to share the experience with her, even as arduous as it was.

opt

Wow, Opt.

I missed this update from a few days ago.

Anyway, it definitely says a lot about where you two are if you can come together at a time of crisis like this. It's very good on her end, knowing you well enough and feeling comfortable enough to rely on you in a time of need. And, it sounds like you came through with flying colors in being there for her.

Also, kudos for being able to accomplish all of this while still being there for your children. It can be quite a juggling act, believe me I know.

Went through something similar with PG a month or so ago. One of her best friends lost their 30 year-old son to suicide. A week of mourning was culminated in a small memorial service on the beach with just a handful of friends and family. She leaned on me pretty heavily during the whole ordeal and brought me along to help host the service and reception afterwards. She thanked me over and over for being there and willing to help, but I also let her know how much it meant to me knowing that she felt I could be someone to rely on like that. It works both ways and can really strengthen a relationship.

About the juggling act, do you ever feel stressed or overwhelmed trying keep NG, your children, job, other obligations, and most importantly, yourself all satisfied and in the proper priority? I feel busy and stretched thin at times, but love every minute of it. I feel more alive than ever before.

Sh2p, it most certainly doesn't surprise me that you've had a similar experience, lol. The parallel universe is still on course!

I do feel at times like I wish I could be more available to BOTH my kids AND my girlfriend. Plus- so many things I need to do just to keep the house running (laundry, shopping, cleaning). The only way I've seen to get around it is that I spend time with kids/gf doing things that I would do on my own: my daughter often goes grocery shopping with me, we make it fun together. NG and I have done the same thing, we also cleaned our cars together one lovely Sunday afternoon.

I think it's just one of the sad realities of Divorce. But then again, even in a good MB marriage you're spending 15-20 hours/week in UA (just you and wife, no kids). I'm not trying to compare a good marriage with D, and maybe I'm off base on this but it is something I've thought about; how much attention are kids allotted in a MB marriage? - perhaps someone can jump in and address that. Maybe a good question for the 101 board, but gosh, I feel a little out of place there, lol.

opt

Okay, I did some math on his time thing. Scary I know.

Lets say you get a babysitter and make Friday night "date night": 4-5 hours UA (Dinner, show, talking, $150)
Saturday you spend with the kids, presumably together going to soccer games, Little League, cleaning up the house/yard, visiting friends: 8 hours kids time
Saturday night you send the kids to the parents for the night (alternating weekly - good for you if you also have a sister in law or two to get into the mix): 6-8 hours UA (at home chilling)
Sunday am: 3 more hours UA over breakfast.
Sunday late am pick up the kids - Family Day: 8-10 hours kids time
Monday through Thursday night is a whirlwind of making dinner, homework, putting kids to bed: 1 hour kids time, then 1 hour UA if you can manage (NO TV!).

So, that's 16-19 hours UA and 18-22 hours kids time in an idyllic situation with everyone working together. [Me, I never had the in-laws to support the plan.... ]

Now, let's take divorce. It's obviously different for everyone due to custody arrangements.
I have my kids Wed night to Saturday and every other Sunday til around 3 or so. Wed - Fri is 5p-9p making dinner, getting ready for bed: 12 hours of occasionally tense kid time. Saturday: 6-7 hours kid time. [that's one week - the next week add 6-7 more for Sunday].
About 18 hours one week and 24 the next with my kids.
Meanwhile I spend most of Sunday afternoon and evening with NG: ~8 hours UA
Monday after work we get together: 4 hours UA.
Tuesday is pool night: 0 UA.
About 12 hours UA one week and up to 20 the next presuming Saturday I spend with NG. [and the ex-spouse has become a very expensive built-in babysitter]

Interesting.

~opt

Hey Opt, that sounds like a pretty good breakdown of UA and kid time, both pre- and post-divorce.

My guess is you were trying to achieve the pre-divorce schedule AFTER you had discovered MB's and were in your best plan A. If you were anything like me, there was nowhere close to 15 hours of UA before the affair when we had our heads stuck in the sand.

I'm also guessing that with NG, the UA is truely full attention. Preacher girl calls it being "present", where you have each other's full attention, really listen, and are fully interactive. It is easy to do that with her, maybe because the relationship is still new and fresh. I know that I fell way short of being "present" with my ex-wife, but that's easy to do when you have kids, work, and household duties all pulling at you.

One other word of caution, and I only say this from my own experience. Be sure you are equally "present" in the time you spend with your children. I found it very useful to adapt some of the MB principles to my relationship with the children, also. They need UA (which I'm sure you know), not just coexisting in the same room. They need to share RC. Most importantly, I have conciously learned to avoid angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements with them, also. If there is a behavior issue, we discuss it calmly, yet firmly. But, I try my best to avoid acting out in anger.

I also agree, having to split the children with the exwife makes achieving 15 hours of UA time with PG so much simpler.

Nice breakdown...just to clarify....when do you take the kids back to their mom on Saturday? And when you get them on Sunday what time do you get them? Just curious.

I'm trying it (15 hours UA) on my dog first...I figure if I can't manage it with him I have no business getting into a relationship! LOL

one hour a day walking
one hour a day tossing the ball/goose/etc & giving bellyrubs
two hours a week taking him on ride to park & A&W

= 16 hours/week Yay, I made it!

(I know, I'm over the edge...) Scary, huh!

Good breakdown in an ideal life. Real life gets in the way of these sensitive margins: overtime at work, car breakdowns, home emergencies, family crises, extra curriculars even cause tremors.

Officially I get them starting after school on Wednesday (so if they get sick during school xwx is supposed to deal with it, anything after school is my responsibility). Therefore 3pm is officially when I would then drop them off on Saturday or Sunday depending on the week. In reality, she tends to take them a little earlier as I often work a couple hours on Saturday and she tends to take them to Sunday dinner at her Dad's (who is dying of cancer). I also can pick up D9 on let's say Monday night and go shopping for an hour or two if I desire, and I've kept them both a little longer on the Sat/Sunday if we were out doing something. There is a lot of flexibility in our approach, much to the kids' benefit I believe. Like I said in someone's thread: xwx seems to be better at divorce than she was at marriage~ which actually makes sense given that in divorce there is no fear on her part of becoming intimate (possibly the root of her issues).

Why do you ask ing Woman?

Opt

I'd say you have a very lucky dog to get that much attention!

opt

Ah Kay, Thats awesome, lol, I bet I still would have to practice being that normal

Couldn't agree more Schtoop. In fact, the day I learned about LB's, my relationship with my kids took on a new life. 20 months later, I can't imagine going back to the way I was - not a bad Dad but the LB's with them (and wxw) undermined my own efforts.
Good guess. Won't make that mistake again.

opt

I'm responding to this because it's in a humorous vein, but I have actually made a decision for myself going forward that is completely serious.

I have decided to focus my UA time on my running and my guitar playing.

I am horrible at personal relationships. I'm better at running and guitar playing.

Not a lot better, mind you, but better.

'Cause I'm nosy. LOL. Also fascinated with a father (and there are many on here) that involved with their children.

XH just gave up the biggest part of his scheduled visitation this weekend to go on a 4wheeler ride. Ds is thrilled that he didn't have to go to his dad's. Your experience and care for your children is just different from what I am living.

And my dh would LOVE to have that much visitation. He was the BH and still only gets standard every other weekend. He hates it. He misses his kids so bad.

I find that hard to accept, Fred. Did something happen?

opt