I'm 35 and for two years, I have been having an affair with someone I have been working with. There are many things that really make me crazy about him, but realistically, I cannot imagine leaving my husband for him and giving everything up for him. I would like to make it work with my husband. I can't quit my job. It is my dream job. Granted, I shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place, but there must be some way I can have the will power to break things off without having to leave my job. I cannot confess the affair to my husband. I think a lot of the affair is driven by sex and the man's height. He is a lot taller than my husband. He is also ten years older. My husband tries to do everything to make me happy. He is a good man and doesn't deserve this. At first, I thought I would be able to handle having two men in my life, but I realize now that I am not just cheating on my husband, I am cheating him out of everything he deserves. I also put the other man in pain by going back and forth, trying not to see him and then wanting to see him. I have such a strong sexual attraction to this other man. I am afraid I will continue to fail. Any advice?

Sure, I've got some advice. But you've already explained why you have no intention of following it. Here it is, anyway:

1. Confess to your husband. That poor man - what have you done to his life!?
2. Go into work and quit your job. You can find another 'dream' job.
3. Write a letter to your OM explaining that this terrible decision that you've made is over.
4. Call his wife and tell her what you've done.
5. Hope to God that your betrayed husband will accept this terrible thing and decided to reconcile with you.

Any other questions?

I don't think you are sincere about resolving this situation at all. You tell us you want to solve the problem and then tell us that you can't do anything to solve it.

In effect, you are wasting our time. And yours. Come back when you are serious.

You ruined your career when you behaved so unprofessionally with a coworker. It doesn't get any more unprofessional than that. I assure you others there know and you are being talked about. You have ruined your reputation. Workplace cheaters are loose cannons that managers either fire or quietly manage out. They are untrustworthy and are walking legal liabilities. Managers don't promote workplace cheaters because they can't be trusted and because they are so unprofessional.

So, forget the career. You have ruined it by acting like a skank in the workplace. Sorry. Skanks don't get promoted, they get managed OUT. If you value your career at all, you will learn a lesson from this and get out of there before they fire you on "performance issues."

That would be all about you. What about your marriage?

Actually, there's not. When I was in an emotional affair, I tried to break it off while still remaining in regular contact with the other woman. Where that got me was into a physical affair with her. So I know exactly how well that works: It doesn't work at all. Affairs are addictive in nature (which I think you recognize in your lucid moments). You don't get sober by hanging out in a tavern, and you don't kill an affair by staying in touch with your affair partner. It's that simple. Anyone who tells you otherwise is blowing smoke up your wazoo, or simply has no clue what they're talking about.

Why not? Answer, please.

Gee, what if we all retroactively rewrote our wedding vows so that they'd say "...to honor & cherish, in good times & bad, in sickness & in health, until someone else comes along who's taller / who's shorter / has bigger boobs / has green eyes instead of brown...", etc., etc.?

Anyway, the breathtaking superficiality of your statement doesn't alter the fact that it misses the point: The affair -- as are all affairs -- is being driven by your selfishness. Just like my affair was.

If you end the affair, confess to your husband and focus on learning each others' emotional needs and on meeting those needs mutually, it is well within the realm of possibility for you to have a marriage that is better than it ever was before the affair. I know. Because I do.

But you can't get there until you come clean.

The day I confessed to my wife was the hardest day of my life. But now, 26 months later, I thank God for that day.

I don't think you should participate in forums if you are going to call people names like skanks. Please do not post anymore responses to my question. Thanks.

Do you disagree that it is skanky for a married woman to get it on with her coworker? How would you define such a woman?

Ask yourself this: What is worse, YOUR BEHAVIOR or WORDS that describe YOUR BEHAVIOR?

And I'm saying this to you as a FWW [Former Wayward Wife] myself - When I was committing adultery I was SKANKY...SLUTTY...and a multitude of other negative adjectives.

That's the reality of it, jfoller. Adultery is very ugly.

There is no other way to do this than to tell your husband and quit your job. Choices have consequences.

Mrs. W

Testify!


Let me tell you the words of my own FWW, once she pulled her head out of her backside and weighed the truth;

"I feel like a wh#$e."

This was not something I ever uttered, even in the worst pain and anger, it is not something I believe, nor is it something I wish my wife to feel like or be viewed as... but it is how she feels after the behavior she engaged in betraying her vows, her husband, and her children.

What you are behaving like is a modifiable thing. If you dislike the label, quit acting the description, capice?

Shame on me!

She has to understand that she can become a former wayard wife, but her husband will always be betrayed, cause she can't take that back. If she will fess up, it goes so far to lessen the betrayal.

**edit**

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you can't leave your job because it is more important than your marriage to you. You can't tell your H because being inconvenienced is more important than your M. You won't leave your H because he does too many things to make your life easy. And you can't stop shtooping OM because you enjoy it too much.

So, what can you do to save your M that is even just a little unpleasant, inconvenient or difficult? It isn't that you can't do these thing, the reality is that you are overwhelming selfish and just won't do the hard things.

Where does your M rank as a priority for you? Until you are willing to take difficult steps you should understand that it has absolutely no chance.

Thank you

There is an old saying:

With every choice we make in life, there is a consequence.
Trying to avoid the natural consequence of your adultery makes you look foolish and immature.
Like a child who was caught with her hand in the cookie jar, crumbs all down her shirt and her mouth smudged with frosting, she says:
"It's not what it looks like. I deny everything."

Unless you are willing to confess your adultery to your husband, confess your adultery to your parents, confess your adultery to your employer, your own behavior places a label on you.

And, it's not a nice label either.

Your soul can fester and cook in the juices of your chosen sin, that is a choice you are free to make.
You may look beautiful outwardly, but inside, you are, and remain, a festering wounded soul who shuns truth & light.

We shall pity you.
We shall not admire you.
And, unless you change, we will shun your sinful choices.

If you do change.
If you do embrace truth & light, we will be there for you.
If you turn away from your adulterous mindset you will find friends here.

Your greatest fear should be that you never change.
And, as a result, your children grow up and follow your example.

You are right. I have been extremely selfish. Atlthough I honestly believe I can keep my job and save my marriage. I am sure other people have done this.I beleive you can do anything if you want to badly enough. I am ready to really change my life and feel I can do so without leaving my job. That is all I should have wrote in my post to begin with.