Been really hard all weekend. Saturday we did not talk much, but i came home to my bike and his bike on the back of his car. Did nt know wht to think so said nothing. Sunday morning, heard him excersising. I dragged myself out the bed and began the same (he sleeps in the spare room - has been for the most part for the past few years). He came in smiled and asked me if i wanted to go bike riding and I agreed. We road a little but his bike causht a flat so we walked. He said well I guess this is a message I got the bike hitch but failed to maintain the bike. I agreed that maintenance is important. The day went on like this as we then went to another park and walked. Then we went to the grociery store - couple things all day as I come to grips with him leaving.

This morning around 2am I heard him up and I got up to see if he wanted to talk. He talked more about the divorce and the decision to divorce, that this is a beginning and not an end. I am trying to adjust to keeping in his company, doing couple things as he prepares to leave.

Today I wrote him and talked to him from a scriptural place since this is where he relates the most. I mentioned God's mercy and how He never leaves us but gives us guidance and forgiveness, knowing we are going to fall, no matter our faith. I told him that according to what I read today that I can be greatful for my tears and sorrow because each tear is a a good deed and and act that asks for forgiveness. It is an act of repentance. I said I thank God for the pain I feel, it is my price for my transgression. I wrote: "I thank God I made the right choice by telling what I did and that payment is to also tell you, dear husband, the one I hurt, that I am sorry (and I am). I am a good Muslim who fell down....My every tear and my sorrow is a good deed, says God. Thank God! I can be forgiven, give in to it, cry about it freely, heal from what I have done, the hurt I caused.....I embrace every reminder for what I did. .....I love you dearly, my husband, and I owe you for my transgression. I will pay my price and check to see that there has not been too great of a time lapse in filing the divorce papers. If not, and you are in agreement, I will ask the attorney to wait until April 15th to file the papers so that my surgery will be covered. My pain is great because I hurt you and I hurt my soul. Thank God my pain is great because the greater my forgiveness. If I believe in my Lord then the way will be easy. I do love you my husband. May Allah's Forgiveness, Wisdom, Guidance and Love surround me, protect me, and strengthen me." (Quote from scripture:....One, that when a person repents and gives up his evil actions and begins to perform vitreous deed, in this new phase of life, of Faith and righteous conduct, his good deeds will replace the evil deeds of his past. Second, that as a result of his repentance, not only are the evil deeds which he committed during this period of disbelief and sinful living forgiven, but each person will be awarded for having given up a life of disbelief and transgression and for replacing it with obedience and Faith. Moreover, for as many times as such people feel ashamed of their past evil deeds, they will be rewarded that same number of times for having asked for forgiveness from God. Feeling ashamed of one's sins and asking for forgiveness is, in itself, a good deed. In this manner, all of one's evil deeds will eventually be replaced by good deeds and one will not only be saved from punishment, but will also be amply rewarded)

Schoolbus, that is so very painful. I am sorry to hear that he did not value your love and want to be forgiven. I think you are going to be OK. I think that I might be ok even if/when my marriage ends. I think God can make me stronger. I can and will do all I can to get forgiveness from him, but that may be eaiser than getting our marriage back. So I will keep praying and giving my tears room to flow so I can get the repentence I need.

In my Christian faith, we call this godly sorrow. It IS good for us to grieve over our sins. I think it is necessary. it is one of the signs of repentance. So that makes sense to me.

THank you Tawandabelle. This is exactly my goal. I am happy to pay the price now.

Godly sorrow. I can accept this. I think I can accept any price my Lord asks me to pay. I cannot deny my resposibility in this.

NC,

It is perhaps in my husband's failures that he learned exactly how much he loves me.

He thought he did not love me. He was wrong. He began to know this as soon as the door closed behind him and he walked away from me.

He returned because he loved me, and I took him back because I loved him. He failed again, many years later, because we both failed to meet one another's emotional needs, and we failed to understand what it takes to protect our marriage from affairs.

The state of our marriage at the time of his most recent affair was.....stale.....to say the least. We loved each other, but we failed to show one another. We lived independently together - if that makes any sense.


Your husband's many community efforts helped create an environment that made the marriage feel "independent" for him, and "separate yet together" for you. A situation ripe for an affair, because both of you were at risk - the separateness and independence of both of you placed your marriage at high risk because you stopped meeting the needs of one another, and became focused on self-needs.

that doesn't work

and it ends up where you two are


with one person who found the needs fulfilled outside the marriage by another person, and one person betrayed...



Look at Plan A. Each and every time your husband is around you, work Plan A.

Some days its just hard to make it. I feel tired. drained. there's no plan to save anything now. there is still a lot of pain of course. tired. so tired. im on this site simply to have someone to talk to about it. i know that from my reading i need to be careful about blaming myself constantly because that is a burden on me and everyone. i am going to have to move on. that is my plan.

Are you employed, NoComfort?

wow. i did this. it was doomed to happen and i did it. it was me from the start. I did not handle his detachment well. and my emotions were unmet. Now that I understand emotional affairs I can say I have had those for a while. I just didn't understand that is what they were. Eventhough I tried to say what was wrong with me that I needed to be with him emotionally and be connected, I didn't handle it well. My first emotional affair began a few years into our marriage. It began with phone calls and talking. Nothing else. An email was sent. He found it. He sent me a copy and said that a man is can be a fool if cuckholded by a woman. That was all. I didnt email or call anymore.

More time went by more debates and arguements about spending time together, or arguemtns period. We would make up then time a part, me upset, feeling alone, looked for love from someone. More emotional moments or emotional affairs. This one feels as if it blindsided me. I remember say8ng that I can and should just be use to this now and to make the best of things, it is not so bad could be better so that is fine. It almost seems like I didn't see it coming. Seemed as though the moment i 'thought' my heart heard what it needed it was over for me and I was in. My emotions soared and that was like a drug. But this time it went from emotional affair to physical. This was my doom.

I have said to him he can ask me anything he likes, because he deserves to know what ever he needs because I was wrong. My only problem is that I cannot survive the couple thing now - the bike riding, walking together, eating dinner together, holding hands while discussing the divorce and how he is happy that I understand God more now and that this was worth it if I understand now. It is a mind field for me that will lead me into disaster and I have to hold on to move through this. I wont survive this emotionally.

All the together and bonding that I needed before this it seems is happening now and he is doing it so that I feel better? but is destroying me. he will be home soon, will come in and ask how I am. i will do the same and we will small talk for a while, he may eat and then he will go to the other room and I in mine and we will sleep.

Just finished talking to BH. Wanted to talk about the why it happened, not the details. Said he doesn't think that does any good. He asked me to email him the MB website URL.

**praying***

Prayers going up for you, NoComfort.

I am praying for the two of you, NoComfort.

I hope your husband does come here. That will be the first sign that he hasn't given up.

If and when he does, please respect his ability to express himself by staying away from his thread. Quite a number of couples post here, and it works best if they don't read and don't post on each other's threads.

I am a Christian here, praying for you both.

God can heal broken hearts and heal shattered self-pride.

You are truly repentant, and we see that and I commend you for your honesty and self-reflection and willingness to work on yourself and if given the chance, totally recommit to your marriage and family.

I am praying he comes here too! We would welcome him also.

Your true repentance I suspect, he is noticing. I hope and pray his heart is softening. I know he is hurt, beyond belief. I am a former BW, and it was like a dagger in the back, time and again, when I found out about my xwh cheating. It hurt so much.

While my M didn't survive, God had a newer and different and far better plan for me, as seven years later after utter heartbreak and financial devastation, despite standing up to a serious wayward baddie (one of the worst I've ever heard of, and he happened to have been my xh), I was given a chance at love again and took it.

God has a beautiful plan for you and your H. You must believe that. And HE forgives. Just be still and be patient. Keep working the MB plan A! Love your BH THROUGH this pain!

Hoping he comes here. Peace to you, and wish you well.

THanks all. Just about done. He says he is doing what a grown man would do. Thank you for the prayers. he said I dont want to be your buddy either. I said if we divorce, what do we do? Do you come over and we hang out? do you come by and we watch a movie? I respect how you feel and it is not about me, I did wrong, but to hold hand and sit and talk about divorce, to go walking and spend time togeter, you are giving me what i have always wanted and then telling me it has to be taken away. And i know I am not strong enought to endure this. it is no use. I dream of us making it, but as I told him alhtough I dream about making it, I know the reality is we are not going to make it. I'm sorry everyone, I am fading fast here. I cry constantly, and I am trying to be strong. I dont know if he went to the site or not. I did not ask becuase I did not want to push. I told him more about the site, like how couples who have conceded to try use the plans on here to draw love contracts on what they will or wont do or tolerate. But it seems as though it is no use. And I am not trying to rush his thoughts . I know love is patient. but I hang on every shred of hope then the divorce discussion comes back up and I realize it is only me that is hoping for a chance. I cant do it everyone. I just have to accept what is going on. Thank you all I will check back tomorrow right now I need to lay down. I am so weapy and weary.

Hang in there!

My husband and I are still rocky, he wants a divorce but has not filed (I have a year to prove to him that I can be the wife he wants). He had moved out for a month on D-day but came back.

Fight for your marriage, it is not over till the papers are signed and you are in still in contact with your husband. It's easy to dream about things but put what you want into actions without begging, being pushy, etc (it's hard but can be done).

Someone gave me this advice on my thread:
Don't give up, if you do it will prove to your husband how easy it is for you to throw it all away and what it meant to you. (something like that)

Like your BH, I also seriously considered leaving my FWH after I discovered his A. However, he has been so doggedly consistent in his efforts to show his remorse and depositing those precious love units that I made the decision to stay only just a couple of weeks ago, after vacillating since DDay. He did not beg me to stay, though; he simply persevered in being the best H he could be by using MB principles and expressed that his greatest wish was that I would stay so that he could show me how much he loved me. He put in writing his EPs. Today he told me that he has lived with the fear of losing me every single day since he came out of the fog. Keep being as good a wife and lover as you know to do. Do your utmost to meet his ENs. Be the wife he longs for. There is still hope. Even if he does file for D, keep doing the things you know to do, because it may just bring him back in time. There is hope until it's completely over and you're not there yet.

You are anxious and depressed.
Go see your physician.

Thanks 51. .