OK everyone - I am out with a little bit be back later this evening

Stay strong. You can get through this!

Well, Meh, it's been a helluva coupla days, hasn't it?

Here's the good news (and you've probably gotten a hint of this from the postings since my last one):

THERE ARE NO ORIGINAL WAYWARD SPOUSE STATEMENTS OR ACTIONS!

They all extract and execute from the same play-book. We have heard it all before.

Your best play right now is to complete the full, nuclear, exposure. Her management at work is KEY. Siblings, especially sisters, turn out to be hugely important. Girlfriends, classmates, her clergy, ALL of these have to be contacted.

The contact is not of the form of "You know what the b%#@%h I'm married to has done?"

The contact is of the form of "My wife has been conducting an affair with a co-worker. I am asking you if you have any influence over her to emphasize to her that I am committed to doing what can be done to repair our marriage. If you need to contact me, I can be reached at XXX-YYY-ZZZZ. Thank you."

DO NOT BACK DOWN FROM THE POLY. (Actually, the more she resists, the less you need it. Eventually, with or without the poly, your next call will be to a physician for a full set of STD screens for the two of you. You'll know that the "only an EA" was as much a fiction as all those "study sessions" she had away from home.)

HERE IS THE BEST THING YOU MUST REMEMBER: This is not your fault. Your WW decided to go outside her marriage for things that are only to be found within your marriage. The shame is hers entirely. She has NO RIGHT to expect forgiveness.

I am completely broke - crying harder than I ever have before.

She has left - packed up clothes and gone to her moms.

I called my dad and told him about MB and he said it sounds cultish but he will read up on it.

I told my best friend and he thinks its extreme.

Her mom said whether she takes the polygraph, fails or not - she is leaving me. Thats what she told her mom.

Everyone is saying I have lost it. She is mad I contacted her friends. They are all saying I am acting crazy.

You are not wrong to expose this affair. If she is leaving, it is not because of the exposure. You are doing nothing extreme, nor have you lost it.

She is acting crazy for having an affair. You are doing everything possible to kill the affair so that your M has a chance.

Following the principles of a professional is not cultish. It is sound practical advice.

everyone is telling to take a step back

How many of those had to fight an affair and try to save their family?

Do not forget that you are the victim here, and your wife is the crazy one for putting her family on the chopping block for another married man at her workplace!

Any person with common sense would realize that she would likely lose her job and her family over her actions.

YOU are the victim.

They don't know what they are talking about but don't tell them.
Just stick to your guns/plan and be brave.
It is very upsetting to be betrayed but to then need to be brave and to implement a logical step by step plan.....especially when the wayward blows up with anger at their secret fantasy being exposed....even with family members questioning your tactics and motives.
They do not get to decide how you deal with betrayel. You do. Only you.

Those of us who are here on the forum have experienced the stuff you are experiencing and followed the plan back to self respect and sanity. Have any of your in real life support system ever done it for themselves?

Be strong.

We aren't a cult.....unless you want to say we are a 'cult' of people who follow logic in place of following whims of our gut feelings to react before thinking.

Marriage builders is logical. Its not a guarantee to anything but finding kernels of peace of mind along the way.

Have any of your in real life support system ever done it for themselves?

no

I feel like she needs to read this

Well my dad and his wife have both told me how wrong and insulting it is to ask someone to take a lie detector test. I feel like she needs to read this.

I need to talk to someone

Hello Meh,

If you have read my thread you know I have recovered my M.

You also will have read that not all of my family agreed with the MB principles including no contact for life.

Without MB we would have divorced.

Your M can survive your WW's anger and some of your family's disapproval...

It will NOT survive an ongoing affair.

MB works.

I have a very blunt question for your parents and any others that disagree with finding out if the affair was physical...

Do they want you to bet your life that your wife has not been exposed to life altering and life ending STD's like HIV - AIDS?

Do they want to GUESS who their grandchildren's father's may be?

You MUST know the truth about the affair and this is the only way you will EVER know.

Mrs.Flint would NEVER have confessed the affair with MY OWN BROTHER without the prospect of having to take a polygraph.

Why would she?

Jim

No, don't send her here to read this. You will lose this board as a resource.

We cannot help you if you can't control your emotions and stick to a plan. We have saved our marriages, Meh, your friends have not.

Can you calm yourself down and stick to a plan? If you can't put your emotions aside and follow a plan, you are probably not going to make it.

Please stop taking advice from people who don't know how to save marriages. I know they mean well,but they do not know how to save marriages. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who has saved THOUSANDS of marriages and he advocates polygraph tests. [he discussed this on his radio show yesterday: here

Meh, based on her reaction right now, she is incapable of understanding any of this and having empathy for your situation. In her mind, your M was in shambles, you probably abused her emotionally, the M was going to end anyway.....well, you get the idea.

Your W is in a fog. This exposure is a bucket of cold water being poured on her.

When my FWW was in the fog, I exposed to her friends and had discussions with the OMW. If I had not done this, my wife said she would have went ahead with D so that she could be with OM. My exposure brought her back to reality.

Food for thought.....

This is early in the game, Meh. Don't put a lot of stock in what your WW says right now. Your dad thinks MB is cultish because it's a bunch of strangers online. Ignore that.

Your BF thinks it's extreme because he's never had to deal with infidelity. Ignore that.

Your WW hasn't been honest with you. That's the only reason she's blown away by your suggestion of a polygraph - she thought she could get away with it. Stupid you, right? WRONG.

And keep in mind, we are real people here, and quite "normal" thank you. I am a happily married man with a few young children, graduate-school education, never even sent to the principal's office in high school, donate to the local schools, and I pay my taxes on time. Now does that sound like a cult member?

I have followed the principles here, and I have been through two A's, one by myself and one by my wife. We have been in your shoes before. Don't follow bad advice from those who have no idea how to treat the addiction of A's.

You know what's wrong and insulting? For someone who vowed to love you and stay with you to have an affair! That's what's wrong! Are you kidding me? Are your parents your WW attorneys??????

OMG, Meh! Your wife is screwing around with another man and they think it's wrong for you to get the whole story???? WHAT???

I'm getting a headache.

meh