Has anyone experienced implementing Plan B while conducting business relationship with WH. I have been his bookkeeper for 29 of our 32 yr marriage. He wont give up his friend so I am getting ready to do Plan B.Is limited contact going to ruin the effect of Plan B? He already is living w his father, says he doesnt want a divorce and he really only talks to me when he needs something (like his payroll done) My work for him is done from my home. I do want to continue this work since I know where every penny of his income is.

That is not Plan B, it is Plan "C" for compromise, which is the most likely to lead to divorce. You shouldn't know where his income goes during Plan B anyway. You should only ensure that he pays you suppport money. What he does with his life is not something you should know about in Plan B.

Being in any contact with your WS during Plan B defeats the purpose entirely and actually props up the affair. You won't be able to do his bookkeeping when he is married to the OW, just keep that in mind. And not doing Plan B is the most likely to have that end.

Plan B should give him a taste of what divorce will look like, so no, it wouldn't involve your bookkeeping. He should get the full brunt of your absence by having to hire a bookkeeper.

Debbie, did you expose his affair to everyone? Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? What have you done to bust up this affair? How long married? Any kids? Can you give us more background?

We have four grown children. One married out of state w two kids of her own. One living at home w me, working for her father and going to college. Son, living at home, looking for a job and the baby is in the Navy based in Japan. He was head deacon in our church for the last two years and now has resigned as deacon and resigned from the church because, yes, I told my pastor and was agreeable to church discipline. Because he decided to celebrate Mardi Gras in public, go to a new year's eve party and take the OW on a week long trip to New Hampshire all his employees in both locations know. Also a bunch of his clients know. I am one fourth owner in the business. I am the only one who has done the bookkeeping all these years and he knows that finding someone who can use Peachtree accounting wont be easy. I proved last Tuesday that I can do the payroll without even talking to him. I pay the bills and reconcile bank accounts without his input.

I have read Surviving an Affair and have phone consulted with Steve twice and WH has talked to him once. Steve recommended that now is the time to implement Plan B and suggested that someone on this resource might help me solve the problem of keeping my upper hand with regard to the business but cutting contact with WH.

Oh and we will be married 32 yrs in April. He had prostate cancer that has left him sexually non-functional two years ago. But he had created a secret life at least four years ago w various single clients of his business. My daughter was disturbed by his flagrant flirting way back then. He says he does good deeds for them but this particular woman snagged him and now he loves her. He is a workaholic and I foolishly accommodated him in every way without knowing that he was cooling toward me and secretly seeing other women.

He says he isnt worried about what Jesus thinks about his actions. He says he will worry about that later. He says as long as he is married and not having sex that he isnt committing adultery. His dad is happy to have a roommate because he is a hard lonely selfish man. His mother and sister think he is sick and in severe trouble and feel like he is not like anything we know him to be.

But didn't you have to go to the office to do this? And isn't he at the office? Why wouldn't you just get out and hire someone else to do this so you can go into a much needed Plan B? Since you may very well end up divorced anyway, why not make a clean break of this now? That way if you do end up divorced you won't have this connection.

Debbie, I have a suggestion for you. Why not email Dr Harley, Steve's dad, and ask him what he thinks? He will answer your question for free on his radio show. here

Debbie, have you exposed the affair to everyone yourself? Or is your H just flaunting his affair? Because if it is the latter, then folks probably think you are ok with this. Exposure involves asking the people in your lives to use their influence to persuade the WS to end his affair.

What about your children? Do they all know? What is their attitude?

What about the OW's family? Your H's family? Have you spoken to them and asked them to intervene? Typically when a OW's parents is notified, it causes great harm in the future plans of the affair because some people will not allow adulterers in their home.

I know I keep leaving out important details. I have always done the bookkeeping from my home (30 yrs). This allowed me to be a stay at home mom. We used to do payroll together at the end of the day, but lately I have been trying to do it w/o him to test whether if plan b were necessary that it could be done. I believe I can do this. I would rather not turn over all the workings of these clinics to another because I can see if money is moved around. Since this business is legally 1/4 mine and I dont know what he is planning long range, I want to protect myself financially.

His mother, sister and father know. His mother has talked to him and as of early this week, she hasnt heard another word from him. ( He is actually staying across the street from her with his divorce father whose 2nd wife just died) His sister lives on the same street as well with her family. She had planned to talk to him but I m afraid she is an avoider like my WH. She mentioned that she doesnt want to alienate him. His father likes having my WH w him even at the cost of a marriage.

My WH and the OW flew to New Hampshire a month ago to see her mother and brother. As far as I know WH was welcomed. The OW told my WH that she has stage 4 cancer. I told him it was probably menopause and looks like I was right.

At WH's step mother's funeral about 30 of the deacons from our church came to try to persuade WH. He doesnt seem to purposely flaunt the affair but slowly OW has drawn this more into the public to the point where they went to a Mardi Gras ball and lots of people saw them. She works with aids counsel and we had people coming to our veterinary clinic asking if WH was gay and why was he not with his wife. That s when his secret was aired.

My children are hurt and disgusted. My 25 yr old daughter works at the clinic and is not forgiving toward her dad. WH wont speak to 24 yr old son living at home and WH's txt mssgs to daughter and son living away are emotionless and weird. All the kids think he never loved them. All I can say is that he has lost his mind.

I did a little exposing. To my pastor (who took it to the deacon body) to my sister and mother in law and father in law and to select friends and counselors for support. WH and I also went to Gary Smalley Marriage Intensive in Branson, Missouri. Not much help in our situation.

I will email Dr. Harley, thank you.

Can you continue to do the bookkeeping at home without any contact with him? If you can do that, and pass any pertinent information through a designated intermediary, it might work. But how much communication would have to go to him? If you can do this with a bare minimum of contact, it might work.

This is an excellent exposure opportunity. I would contact the OW's family and tell them that the OW is having an affair with a married man. Ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. Tell them there is no future for this skank because she will be eternally hated by your children and inlaws. I seriously doubt the OW told her family she was involved with a married man. If she has a facebook page, I would email all of her relatives and married friends and let them know. [we have a sample letter]

Exposure is a powerful weapon and we have 2 to 3 affairs a month that are killed immediately this way. Even if it won't kill the affair immediately, it will hasten its death and cause conflict for the adulterers. Affairs thrive on secrecy so the more light you can shine on their filthy affair, the better.

Another suggestion would to fire the OW. Since you are part owner of this business, I would terminate her immediately. She is a threat to your marriage and a threat to your business. I am sure the other employees are utterly disgusted at the unprofessional behavior of your H and this skank.

Thank you. I have been trying to get her to friend me or someone I know. She does have a fb acct b/c she txtd WH after viewing a family photo on my daughter's fb. From that maybe I can find family members.

She doesnt work for us. She works at the aids counsel w HIV victims. She has been a customer at our business for 13 years. WH wont let us sever any contact businesswise w her.

Just as WH has made friends with the world, the disgusted employees are becoming numb to his sin. He is enabling people to stumble all over the place.

I think I can have no contact with him by phone or in person. I might have to have written contact only in a business sense.
Also, an employee can relay other information to me.

You can NOT contact him directly, even in writing, while you are in Plan B.

I believe you should hire someone, whom YOU trust, to do the work for you.

Can you see her fb friends? You don't have to be her fb friend to see them unless she has it set to private. She may even have you blocked, so I would have a friend check to see if they can find her and see her fb friends. If they can see them, ask them to copy and paste all her fb friends names into a word doc and send it to you. All you need are the NAMES and then you can take it from there.


Any written contact with him would defeat the purpose of Plan B. That is my point. You shouldn't do this at all unless you can go completely dark. I think Scotland has an excellent suggestion of hiring someone to do it. And that person can act as an intermediary.

Eureka! We found her on fb. A friend is going to try to friend her so we can access the full information. Thank you. She is not an employee, but a customer of 13 year of WH veterinary clinic.

I definitely can do the bookkeeping w/o speaking to WH. I am writing my letter now to give to him and a copy for OW. Thank you again for the advice.

Debbi!! Don't do that! You will tip her off. Can't your friend see her friend's names? That is all we need. You just need her friends NAMES from her friends list.


Speaking to him was not the issue, though. The issue is ANY CONTACT at all. That has to be circumvented entirely to make Plan B work. What is your plan for that? And do you have an intermediary designated?

I can have an employee be the go between for any necessary contact so we cant even have written contract. I would rather not give up the position I have with the finances. Also, persons trained in this Peachtree accounting system are not easy to find. There is a running ad in our paper for a company trying to hire a trained Peachtree employee. I dont want to handicap the process but I also dont want him to shut out the possibility of my discovery of tricks with assets.

good deal!

Did you see my post about the facebook friends? Can your friend get the list of the OW's friends?

I havent asked yet, but we have an office manager who calls me if there are accounts receivable to be picked up or whatever. She can just expand her duties to cover any aspect of business stuff.

I will have my friend copy fb names for me. Doesnt WH get piping mad when his OW's family is contacted? When this stuff was exposed, my daughter and I went to see OW. I spoke very softly to her just to make an appeal and I was accused of accosting her. I can only imagine how evil I will be made out to be if I contact family and friends.

Have you found someone who will agree to be your intermediary for other issues?

I have not asked anyone to do the other issue intermediary job. I have been praying about it. We have a couple, about our age. The wife divorced her cheating husband and finally married a single older man in our church. They are spiritually mature and well educated and gentle in speech. I thought about asking them.

Where do I find the sample letter to family and friends of OW?