I knew it, and didn't really want to admit it to myself.

Yes he was having an affair with his supervisor at work. She is married with 2 small children. He told me it started 2 weeks before he moved out, thats why he moved out as he couldnt believe he did that. Yet, he managed to carry it on for another 2 months. He told me they had ended it as the risk of them being discovered & fired was too big. Plus they were hurting too many people.

I contacted her husband. he has an inking something was off but didn't know what. He confronted her that night, and the next day he told me that they were going to try to work on their marriage. He doesn't want to talk to me anymore as that would put doubts in his head.

My husband wants a divorce. I told him he is sticking his head in the sand & trying to get this all over with so he can pretend it never happened.

What should I do? I would work on this as I can see how I helped to create this monster.

Do you want to save your marriage? While there are no guarantees, we can give you a plan that gives you the best chance of saving your marriage. However, I am reluctant to spend much time on this unless you will follow the advice we give you. I spent alot of time posting to you in January and got nowhere.

Read this thread
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

Purchase the book Surviving An Affair and make your plans and decisions about your marriage after ruminating on it for a while.

Yes I want to save my marriage. You actually did get somewhere with me in January, as a result of my snooping (on your good advice!) I discovered the affair.

I know those of us who come here with questions frustrate you all who have been there already, but a lot of that is just that we don't want to face up to what is going on.

ok, great!

I just want first point out that you have 2 issues going on here, which is going to make this tougher. Your H is an alcoholic, which precludes recovery of your marriage. That doesn't mean he can't stop drinking and that this is hopeless. It just means that recovery from alcoholism has to be part of recovery. The reason is because alcholics are in love with alcohol and he cannot ever become emotionally invested in your marriage until he quits drinking. Alcoholics are extremely selfish and very destructive.

I think your best chance of recovery is to expose this affair wide and far and get him out of that workplace. This is hopeless until he gets away from the OW because the affair will never die until that happens.

So that is where I would start. Expose this affair to everyone, the workplace [we have sample letters] to your family, his family, your children, and the OW's family. That is likely to kill the affair dead.

Your H will be furious and that is ok because he will get over it. Tell him that you will consider reconciliation if he a) ends all contact with the OW and b) stops drinking for life and enters a program of recovery and c) commits to the recovery of your marriage. Let him know you love him and would be willing to try if he meets those conditions.

Otherwise, this will not work. Give him a chance, and if he doesn't agree to the plan, I would go into Plan B, which is a separation. He would still have to pay the bills, of course, but you would be protected from him until he agreed to your conditions.

What do you think?

My family know, his family know (he is going to see his parents tonight 7 they are ready to rip him a new one), our children know, I contacted the OWs husband, he told his parents so they know. Now they are trying to work on their marriage (according to OWs husband)

Right now my husband does not want to reconcile. I am wondering if his parents can get anywhere with him. He has been in his own apartment since January. And has been paying the bills. We were going to MC, now he doesn't want to go since this has all come out.

Workplace I can get most likely get them both fired. Or her as she is the supervisor in the situation?

Good! Are there any other close family or friends you can expose to? If so, I would contact them all today and ask them to use their influence to persuade him to end his affair.


Marriage counseling is a waste of time if there is an affair. He does not want to reconcile because of his affair. So the goal will be to kill the affair.


I would send a certified letter to the director of Human Resources and cc a key VP and both their supervisors and expose the affair there. Since they have been found out by you and the OWH it is harder for them to carry on after hours so they will have to carry on the affair at work. Exposing it at work will eliminate that. They can't do much there if everyone is watching.

It is likely SHE will get fired for abuse of authority. He might not get fired. But he will probably have to look for another job because most companies don't want to employ cheaters. They are walking legal liabilities; loose cannons.

Here is a letter that we have used to good effect:

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

That is a lie. It started BEFORE he moved out and is the REASON he moved out.

Most reputable companies do NOT want a hint of impropriety and a supervisor having an affair with an underling is dynamite. Not only that, they are usually viewed as untrustworthy after that because in order to have an affair they have to be... deceitful, deceptive, liars, etc.

Be sure and send a copy of the workplace letter to more than one person at the company. That way they can't sit on it and will have to take some kind of action.

It won't be YOU that got her/them fired it will be THEIR behavior that did. The workplace needs to know they have a predatory supervisor on their hands so they can protect themselves from substantial future liabilities. They probably WON'T fire your husband as SHE is the supervisor and should know better and because your husband can sue for sexual harassment.

Your job is to expose. What happens is beyond your control. Generally, the chips fall were they fall and you are satisfied with yourself regardless of the outcome. Nothing is worse than the feeling of protecting and enabling liars.

Best case...OW gets fired and she moves out of town in shame while your husband keeps his job and, after withdrawal (which can only be obtained once she's out of his life completely including the workplace) your husband wakes up and comes home.

So sorry you find yourself here and had to learn these truths the hard way. I wish we were wrong but at least now you know the truth about your life and can actually do someting about it.

Mr. Wondering

Of course not. For two reasons: if he 'comes running home' he knows it will be obvious that he moved out in order to screw around. The other reason is because he is harboring hope that he can continue the A with the OW.

Exposure at work will destroy the second reason.

And remember, obrivey - any employee in that company can file a harrassment claim that will threaten your WH's job. They can claim that your H is receiving preferential treatment because he is having an affair with a mutual supervisor. As long as the two of them are working together this threat will exist.

Thank you for that letter. He asked me not to contact work as he would lose his job and also our health insurance coverage then. This is a concern for me as the youngest boy needs to go back for open heart surgery in the next few months to repair a valve. I do believe it needs to be done though, and is the only sure way of ensuring the affair is indeed exposed & over with. Plus, I'd be happy to put some hurt on the OW.

I am hoping his parents can talk some sense into him tonight. I did also contact his best friend & his brother and told them what is going on.

Sorry but I just can't help predicting another "you were right" thread 6 months from now when you discover the affair is still going on....that is, if you can even get him to try to reconcile.

You don't have to ask your WH (that doesn't even live with you) permission to expose OW at the workplace. OW is attacking your family, stealing your husband and robbing your child of a father. She's the supervisor...only she is likely to get fired.

Mr. Wondering

I know, I really do. I will get the names of the people I need to send that letter to.

ob, I understand you are scared about this and I fully understand why. Let me point out a couple of things to consider. Unless one of them leaves the job, neither of your marriages will survive anyway. As long as they work together, recovery of either marriage is hopeless. Probably the only way to separate them - and save either marriage - is to expose the affair and cross your fingers that only the OW gets fired. [which is what most companies would do since she is the supervisor]

That is the only way he is going to wake up from his affair addiction. If he continues to work with her, the affair will continue. And I assure you it has not stopped.

Think on this and whatever you do, don't tell anyone you are going to expose it at work. Don't tell your H, his parents, or the OWH. You don't want to give anyone a heads up.

I know it is a risk, but you stand a much greater risk of losing your marriage if you don't bust them up.

Then you need to understand that you have additional leverage. If this company gives your H the boot you can also claim that they were giving preferential treatment to OW regarding job dismissals and health coverage. It's potentially too messy for them.

I don't want to be cold, but you have all the more reason to expose this. Don't wait for another employee who's been watching this affair to do that job.

If your husband loses his job, you can stay on the health coverage for 18 months with COBRA. It may cost more, but you won't lose coverage for your son's medical needs.

You are the strong one in the marriage right now. I am in the same boat as you, and my WW is going through the withdrawal period right now. Your husband is still in contact with her, and until she's completely GONE without a trace, he will hold on to hope, and remain in his fog. My WW is still in the fog, but I think it's lifting... only because I took drastic measures to blow up the affair.

I am rooting for you! You can do this! Mel and Marital are two of the best.... trust them and take actions.... I waited too long, and resisted their advice.... But I'm back on track in my plan A right now, and hoping for the best. No guarantees but it takes a LOT of effort on our parts to bring them back from the abyss.


Stay strong!

Thanks, HarleyDuck!

No problem! I truly appreciate the help you gave me, even if I was too thick headed to listen.

Obrivey here is in the same mental state I was a month ago. I can see it plain as the end of my nose. Because of your help....

It takes a lot to listen to complete strangers telling you how your beloved is behaving. You think you know him/her better than anyone else... But I've since learned that the wayward spouse is a state of mind, and not a real person. The real person is in there, but the beast that controls the wayward is like a demon possessing a body (and mind). It makes them say things they would NEVER say before.... and you must be strong to NOT listen to the beast because it is NOT your loving spouse talking. I get it now.

Hardest part of all this is fending off the fogbabble... the I don't love you's and the I want a Divorce's.... And all the "hate" they spew at you.. Just remember it's not really them talking.... and it gets easier.

Thank you, too Melody!

Obrivey,

Yes, you need to expose, and if it were me (esp since your ds is needing surgery), I'd put in that exposure letter, that there was PRESSURE on your wh to continue the ema. I'd make the ow in as bad a light as possible, in order SHE gets fired.

But either way, there has to be one of them to go from the job site, or it will continue.

The ow ended things b/c she felt HER job was in jeopardy. YOur wh has to realize that the ow was not doing anything FOR him at all, she was in fact saving her own sorry azz by ending because it threatened HER. That it was HER who basically turned the tables on everything might be enough. That and the fact her WH and her family know.

Definitely put the heat on her at work by exposing. They will be getting their daily fix of the affair at work until it's over and that will only happen when one of them is gone.

They know something might happen, and I'd bet the ow is going to spin her version of the story.

If you do talk to WH, I would begin the talk where YOU spin that she most likely ended things b/c she is worried about HER job and that she might turn on him...he he. I'd begin turning tables as soon as I could on the ow, painting things that she is a traitor to him.

Right now, WH has egg on his face, and I hoped his mom and dad ripped him a new one and that he has begun to experience the pain of a reverse rectocranial inversion procedure (pulling one's head out of one's azz). You have to remember, he's still in the high of the affair. He won't believe a bit of the talk and truth you're giving, but might be a bit more open, esp since SHE ended it and since his parents are telling him to end it, and if you tell him how she might have (the posow) SOLD HIM OUT to save her azz.

He needs to see first things really really not in favor of the ema, and he is still experiencing crazy emotions (which are the things telling him to divorce) and things at work need to crash down around him regarding the ema.

OW needs to feel the heat of hell on her back, so badly that it costs her the job. I'd paint it in the exposure letter, maybe one sentence or so, that SHE put the pressure on WH and that she gets the ax on her neck. (just me, but if your precious son needs surgery, he also needs a copay too for the hospitalization, so OW is PREDATOR and needs to go, I'd put it in the letter that the ow put pressure on your WH at the job, and that she is predatory!!!).

Your WH will probably need in near future to change jobs too, as far as EP (extraordinary precautions) go, but it will at least, this way, buy him maybe a good bit of time should he get head out of azz and end the EMA to hunt for jobs. You want to save the M, and killing the affair first is the best way to do it. Ending her presence at the job is 1st matter of business and exposing to any further people who need to know, and that would be at the place of business (ceo, reporting supervisors who the posow reports to, and WH reports too besides posow).

Send the ow back to the sewer without a job!

Do NOT worry if WH gets angry at your sending the letter. First paint it to him (give NO WARNING of the letter going out) that she ended it to save her azz and that you're worried she will put your family and CHILD at risk of WH losing HIS job. If your WH gets mad, tell him it was their actions that cost them the job or put their jobs and families in jeopardy.

If your WH gets mad at exposure, show him a photo of his son who needs heart surgery. Tell him that daddy and the posow screwing each other at work, breaking up two families and putting their jobs at risk is what was to blame. That daddy and the ow were 100 percent ONLY to blame because they were screwing at work and screwing over their families, spouses, and coworkers by endangering everybody with their sleazy actions.

I will bet if this is handled properly he will come home. He has to feel PLAN A and the carrot to come home, but also the heat of the STICK of plan B (exposure and feeling that OW has become a traitor after ending the affair).