Lost - hang in there - you're obviously in a tough part of the ride right now.

Have you thought about what you're going to say at the MC session? Be prepared to stake out your position with the MC, WW will get a chance to stake out her position. That was the topic of our first session - why are we here? I'm sure the kids will come up, but that'll be discussed later. It seems our MC used the first two sessions to see how well we communicate with each other. (No problems there, accourding to MC.) WW and I are now getting ready for session number 5 with the MC and we're going to discuss DS. This is where I should be able to get some points across about impact this will have on DS emotionally and on all of us financially. I hope to read up before next week's session so that I have some facts to back up my points in case that's needed.

Don't expect miracles today or any day, especially from counseling. However, if you can, try to note WW's body language for signs during the session. In one of our first sessions, my WW's posture changed completely from the beginning to the end. At first she sat erect, shoulders back, full fight mode - by the end of the session she was slouched over and back in the couch. 24 hours later I got my only glimmer of hope since exposure. I haven't seen or heard anytyhing positive about 'us' since then.

I consider the MC sessions a controlled mental battle of wits, with a referee in the room. The ref can push for answers, when you can't. That's what I like about having him there. Even if you've said something 1000 times before, repeat it at least once during a session. That gets it out on the table - something for the MC to consider while he coaches you guys.

thanks for the tips. I did call and talk to the counselor yesterday and gave him a brief of what was going on before our session today. that way he could prepare himself some on what was coming his way.

went to counseling today and she did not want to go. she was trying to get out of going and said she wanted a Div.

So she did show up and the counselor asked to see her first and then 5 min later asked to see me with her. He confirmed she wanted a divorce and that it really didnt look good for me at the moment, and the he said, but that doesnt mean this marriage is doomed.

Long story short, by the time we left she had agreed that D was not the course of action to take, that she would agree to try to reconcile, agree to a seperation with joint custody, agree to try to end it with om and agree to stop lying completely to me.

Now before we went today she told me she wants out she was going to tell him she wants out and she would leave wanting out. But after talking some issues out, there was a glimmer of hope.

We will see.

Lost - That actually looks pretty promising from here, especially considering that it was the first session. Remember, she doesn't want to be there, my WW certainly doesn't. They think they're doing you 'a favor' just by showing up, and they actually are IMHO. It gives you a safe avenue to have some very honest discussions that are difficult, if not impossible, to have on your own. You can say things in there with an extra set of ears listening in and providing guidance. I think our next session could be doozy, if we talk about DS. The more I thought about the impact on DS today, the more fired up I got. I'm probably going to need notes/talking points. In my situation, this is my best chance of getting something through the fog.

Hang in there!

Sounds hopeful, Lost. As Andy said, one purpose of the counselor is to guide your conversations so that you don't get into a heated argument.

If she had no doubts about a divorce, she wouldn't go to counseling. She'd have filed by now. It's probably the kids that are keeping her around and they'll need you to fight for them. And she should be told that as well--that her actions are affecting everyone, that it's not just about her now, and that she hasn't bothered to ask her kids if they are ok with her leaving and being around only half the time.

Deep down she knows what she is doing is wrong and will have a huge impact on her children for the rest of their lives. Time to remind her of that, IMHO, the next time y'all are at the counselor's.

Kind of funny how that works, isn't it. For me, I damn near went into orbit once I saw how my kids didn't have an advocate in all this...that it wasn't just about me and my wife, but it was also about them, their future spouses, their future children (my future grandchildren), etc. No way in hell was I going to let my wife off the hook on that.

we have agreed on seperation terms and the kids now have been informed that mom and dad are fighting and that mom is living somewhere else while we work it out. They will be with her while im at work and she will be taking care of them during school and she will meet me every evening to let them come home. In the mean time we will be working on mending our relationship, hopefully. She is going to try to end her relationship and work on our marriage.

Baby steps. She agreed that she was still on the same path this morning

Well thats a start..she is saying the same thing anyways, and going to NC and counsel. yeah babysteps..

nc has not happened yet, but is supposed to happen soon. i pray she makes the right decision. I told her once she does she has to rid herself of all cell phones and i will provide her with a new one and a new number that i can track. Counselor told her she needed to agree to this good idea.

You don't sound too hopeful that she'll live up to her end of the bargain. I'd be concerned that she's getting what she wants--kids in the daytime, OM in the evening while pacifying you with "be patient, I'm trying."

Hopefully this counselor sees this as a possibility?

What is her family's take? Are you and her family keeping pressure on OM? Please don't rely on her alone to end the affair or to do the right thing. This [censored] that she's with wants you to let him off the hook so that you can be eased out of the picture. You and her family seriously need to go see this guy in person.

With an IM in place, you could easily slip into a Plan B if you see no real progress on her end.

You are right im not sure she will keep up her end of the bargain. She has given me very little hope up to this point, dont see any immediate change in attitude in the near future. I hope so, but not sure. What does it take to wake a WW up.

Lostman101,
I am sorry your wife is so lost right now, but the session with the therapist seemed to show some light for her, if you can keep her going that would be great.
Hopefully her living away from the home and family will show her what she is giving up. There isn't an OM out there worth losing your children for........I think she will see now that you won't be filling all her emotional needs how inadequate the OM is going to be, when she sees him for the man he is and not the fantasy man in her head, she will start to self reflect about her decisions and what she will be losing to have a cheater in her life...........when reality starts to pick away at the fantasy it's a whole different story..........
Just be the man that she can look at and wonder why she would want to give up, look good, smell good, be a great dad and be the stronger one right now since she is so lost, eventually she will see your strength and your devotion.
It's a long slow road Lost...........patience is everything...........take care of yourself you are no good to anyone if you are a mess.........

What does it take to wake a WW up.

The short, easy answer is that the WW must be smacked with reality, not the fantasy which had been her drug-of-choice for so long.

Your WW seems as addicted to her "free-of-all-adult-responsibilities" fantasy as any WS I've ever heard of on this or any other medium. Left you, left her children, pushed away her entire family --- and for? A younger, soon-to-be-divorced Adonis who will very soon tire of her company. Hopefully, that will be the first twig pulled from her fantasy-pile which starts to bring it down around her.

Lost - We're still in the same place - hang in there!

Thanks for the motivation all. it really helps to hear this.

Im trying to lay off as she says im to pushy at the moment. So im trying to develop a plan to start scoring some points back. Card here and there. Maybe some flowers somewhere. Just little things to let her know someone cares and score some points in the LB. Is this good thinking?

Lost - You know her better than any of us. My WW would not like extra cards, flowers, etc. She would view it as pushy, phony, etc. If you're early in recovery, how about a post it note or two where she'll see them? I would also not make them overly romantic, but just supportive. If she responds to that, you can turn up the charm.

..just my 2 cents worth. Remember, I'm not even at your level, so I'm probably not the best source of advice.

ya ur probably right. Just want her to know that there is still a good side to come to. Been sending om some texts that he needs to move on, cuz me and the boys are fighting for my wife and there mom and he needs to quit leading her on.

Decided to start being a thorn as much as i can be.

Good for you, hope they weren't polite texts. Step it up a notch, go see him with some friends or FIL. Ask your FIL and BIL to call this guy.

I can see why you wouldn't send any romantic notes or flowers...they'll land with a thud and she'll think you're trying to smother her. But, who freaking cares? If you want to do something nice and take the high road (Plan A, I guess) then do it. What's she going to do? Bisch and moan that her mean old husband keeps sending flowers? To hell with what she thinks!

Better yet, find OM's address and send flowers, every day, addressed to her at his house. That ought to piss him off and, hopefully, create a little tension between the two of them.

But, if you cannot manage a Plan A any longer, then I'd just live your life with your kids without her. Have fun with them, don't invite the mother but don't hide what y'all are doing. Make her miss things.

But get some people together and pay this guy a visit, telling him that he IS going to get the hell out of your lives.

northwood8900,

I love the way you think at times, it's funny........would love to be a fly on the wall in a situation like that, just to see the look on the OM's face.......
As long as one one gets hurt, accountability is a good thing........