Custody hearing is pending. It will not be an issue.This legal crap takes so long.

I'm very sorry that this happened to you.

The kids are with you though, right? I'm assuming that's the case if your wife is in jail. How are they holding up through this?

Yes the kids are with me. We have a great relationship. My wife has been in jail now 2 months. I didn't want to post here till she was convicted. My 16 year old daughter is doing pretty well. My 14 year old son in devastated. My 3 grown daughters are a tremendous strength.

Have you considered family counseling? It might help your kids, especially your youngest son, deal with what happened. I can't even imagine how awful this must be for them. It sounds like you have a good support system though in your older daughters.

Dredging up this old post. I've often said that one can be in a wayward mindset even without a specific affair partner.

Just as is presented here, the woman in this scenario was in love with a fantasy, and all she "knew" is that person wasn't her husband. Eventually someone came along who appeared to fit the bill close enough and the affair is off and running.

If you are not building romantic love with your spouse, then you are building up some sort of fantasy in your mind, making you ripe for an affair.

Not only does the BS have to meet needs, but the WS has to be 100% open and honest about what their needs are, how to meet them, and if their spouse is doing a good job.

If the wayward spouse has not done that to a reasonable standard of openness and clarity, and that should be judged by a trained 3rd party and not left to feelings, then they have no right to blame their BS for their lack of knowledge.

PDC - I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but wish you the best of luck. Hopefully you got full custody of the kids.

Wow is all I can say to this.

Waywards can be such knuckleheads. I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Folks did try to tell you a few months ago. Now we find out that apparently you knew he was underage, or perhaps should have suspected it.

But I've been close to where you are. You don't want to believe that someone you love, someone you trusted could be so evil. So you live in your protective denial, hoping that the nightmare will end, and trying to do your part to make sure you are not contributing to the nightmare.

But the truth will set you free, and you have the truth. I suspect you can get any terms you want for a divorce, so be a good father to your children.

What was amazing to me is that even though mental illness had to be a factor (the boy was 14 years old), that her wayward behavior was completely "classic' in all the ways I read about here.

pdc, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'll be praying for you and the kids.

I knew he was underage. I caught them in the act. I called the police and had her arrested. I then forgave her and brought her home on bond and tried to heal her and our marriage.

What was not true, that was asserted here was that there was a relationship before she moved out. She hadn't even seen this kid for years before she moved out and met him and began this sordid mess.

I caught them in the act. I called the police and had her arrested. I then forgave her and brought her home on bond and tried to heal her and our marriage.

Those who know my typical gnarley comments will attest that I'm not often speechless. I am now.

When I think of "courage" and "strength of character" in the future, the initials pdc will resonate a long time.

Sorry this has happened, but I am so glad you have the children for support at this time, and that you are able to understand this is part of her own reality she has maintained in the back of her mind.

I realized this is what my late wife struggled with also, that her desires had not been understood by her past the, "Its a weakness in me" state, and because of that she hid in a "new identity" of wife and mother, and still held "everything she gave up" against me She didn't even question what she gave up, when it would rear its ugly head. She also tested me constantly, and kept me on edge, making me live in fear she would relapse, if I didn't make all her secret desires come true. Ones that she wouldn't even examine in the light.

Eventually a new man who mimiced her drug dependancies and desires that had a hold of her in her soul, came in and supported those fantasies she had so deeply ingrained in her subconcuios, fantasies that controlled her, because of the fear of them taking over.

In that process it also made me revert back to a childhood need to perform, even for emotionally sick people, and endure things God never intended I have to, having sacrificed himself for our sakes to take away fear, even that of death, so we could live free.

Now you have the freedom and the time where you can help your children cope with what has happened, as they are separated unto an internal truth with the God of thier conscience, where he does his best work of teaching us and taking care of us, and where we do not have to hide. Understanding goes a long way towards this end, being free to live thier own life, outside the influence of others, and the poor examples that have been shown them, by the proud and fearful people they once counted upon to show them the way. I have to live with the knowledge that I could not save thier Mom, and they must still wonder why, but they do know I did all I could, and it takes two so bonded together closely to make or break a marraige, and each other. Some things are meant to be sorted out within, just as a prerequsite to being tottally honest, within relationships, before our own consciece. This is what I have allways planned to give them, all my life, that freedom, and if I didn't I could not be free myself.

I hope you are seeking good counsel from a board certified therapist, and they also, as a sounding board and guide out of the woods you have found yourselves in.

Proverbs 1:5
A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels.


Proverbs 24:6
For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counsellors there is safety.

Its a battle for the mind.

What happened in the marriage healing process?

With you on that NG

Just to be clear, (for lurkers) what happened early in the thread was a HEALTHY skepticism of why your WW moved out. These things aren't usually coincidental...meaning that she just happened to want "space" but then just happened to have a sexual relationship with someone in the home she moved into.

The reason we try to point things like this out to BSs is because it is important to be very skeptical of what the WS is saying, for instance, when it comes to things like NC (which we were also skeptical of in this thread). It is more important to look at the actions and to snoop like a hound.


Anyway, I am sorry for you and your children, PDC. Hang in there.

I understand the skepticism as I have read through many many threads in the past months. The instincts of the people here are uncannily accurate. With what I know now I would have asserted to me that there was something going on before the move out, even though in this rare case there was not.

The kid got a break form detention for Christmas. He cut off his bracelet. He contacted my wife. She picked him up and took him to my neighbors hunting cabin. She met with him there and at our house for a week before I discovered betrayal #2. All the while I was plan Aing my head off.

One of the reasons we knew something was off was because you were withholding details from us, the people from whom you sought advice.

It was obvious there was something more to this story. We did not know that the boy was only 14, but we did work out that he was underage and you were withholding that fact to protect your wife.

Had we known of his very young age, we might not have advised the standard Plan A advice. We might have realised that there was a deep pathology within your wife that was possibly beyond the scope of MB.

What a tragedy for all concerned.

pdc, even though there were legal ramifications with your WW, if you were able to be truthful you would have received much different advice.

In order to protect your own kids (a son I might add that is underage) you should have Plan B all the way. Now your WW is in jail because she broke the law and now will always have the stigma of being a registered child molester. I know you love her but in this case you needed boundaries for your own children.

You now have to go through custody issues because she was still in the marital home while awaiting sentencing and it does not look good in the court.

I am sorry your family is going through this pain, especially for your children. How long will she be away? You need Plan family and being a supportiive Dad to your kids. They will need this absolutely.

pdc,

Please seek counseling for yourself and ALL of your children, yes even the adults. She was/is their mother, but what she has done violates some very deep boundaries when it comes to children and protecting them.

Your children especially the adults may not wish it, but please encourage them. Your younger children really need to see a counselor, especially your young son. He was approximately the same age as your W's lover.

This whole thing is a mess.

God Bless,

JL