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Yes he knows that I told work, he says he is not looking forward to going to work since people have heard. His response to it being non-negotiable was non-committal... he didn't really say much. I know/assume that after he got off the phone he went to talk to her because he didn't have to be at work for an hour... so gag. He says she understands him and knows him really well and could see he was having doubts this morning *roll eyes*


Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.

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he won't de fog until the affair ends and there is no contact in place, until then he will not think logically..............don't believe anything he says right now, his actions will tell you the truth, don't panic it's a slow road, with lots of hurtful bumps, don't let it get the better of you.......


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
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NC Mar 1/10
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Apparently he did not go to her house, he went to DQ and met his dad... his dad is obviously in favor of him staying with the marriage. Interesting. Yes.... his actions will speak...


Married 1/2000.
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I certainly hope the heat is on the ow, and that she feels the firestome falling around her!

Wishing the absolutely best now! Remember, exposure does work! Just knowing there WAS any reaction is good. And wh going to see his dad is good! I think the snippet about the ow thinking your WH had "doubts" was great news!

But the affair won't end until NC is firmly in place. Ow needs to be fired and out of the workplace! I certainly hope this happens soon. Stay strong and know exposure DOES work!


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Originally Posted by mehr
Yup, he called after counseling and was effectively bargaining.... said it would be too hard to leave his job because we need the money, and if he broke things off with her it would be over... blah blah blah.... I told him it was non negotiable.

What do I do next?

Stick to your guns, you said the right thing. One of them will have to leave the job. Since you cannot predict what she's going to do, he should leave now as a condition for you staying in the marriage.

I asked my wife to do that the day of exposure and she quit that afternoon. It's been rough financially but, you know what, we somehow have managed to make it work. It's not as comfortable, but I wouldn't trade all the money in the world for the opportunity to have a good marriage. I think you probably already know that, but will throw it out there just in case wink

Take care, hope your husband starts waking up very soon.


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Originally Posted by mehr
Apparently he did not go to her house, he went to DQ and met his dad... his dad is obviously in favor of him staying with the marriage. Interesting. Yes.... his actions will speak...

Mehr, HOW did you expose to his job? I hope you're not telling him about all of the advice you're getting. Are you? Please don't because it will give him an opportunity to spin things to his version.

Hang in there and know that you have a ton of support from us. If you need to vent come here and do it. (((Mehr))))


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by mehr
Yes he knows that I told work, he says he is not looking forward to going to work since people have heard.

mehr, who did you tell there and how did you tell them? Did you officially notify Human Resources and ask them to take action?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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No I didn't write human resources, I just told some of his coworkers.

He went back to her house last night and is there now. frown


Married 1/2000.
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Originally Posted by mehr
No I didn't write human resources, I just told some of his coworkers.

He went back to her house last night and is there now. frown

mehr, when we discuss workplace exposure, we mean official exposure to Human Resources. Telling coworkers will avail you absolutely nothing because they have no power over the affairees.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Well.... I am scared to write to human resources.... if he gets fired and then divorces me anyway, I will hurt myself a lot financially. I already will be in poverty and unable to care for the kids.


Married 1/2000.
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Sorry, that isn't going to do the job. The co-workers could care less and relying on a rumor mill is risky as the story will fade from memory.

You have to involve his boss and the people that sign his paychecks. You have to involve people that have a vested interest in not getting themselves involved in a sexual harrassment lawsuit or by losing money over ineffective employees.

Write a letter, today, to his boss or human resources or whoever it is. Make sure it is to mulitple people, all the way up the chain.


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I don't think that whether or not human resources knows is going to effect whether he stays with her...


Married 1/2000.
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Originally Posted by mehr
Well.... I am scared to write to human resources.... if he gets fired and then divorces me anyway, I will hurt myself a lot financially. I already will be in poverty and unable to care for the kids.

But he has to leave that job anyways...that's the price he will have to pay for what he did. That's the cost of his affair if he wants to stay married to you. That's his problem, he caused it, not you, ok!

And trust me, the courts will make damn sure that you don't do without if he divorces you. Again, that will be his problem.

See, he has to get out of this job to get away from this OW if you don't want to divorce. How he gets out the job doesn't really matter, because the end-result is the same: He doesn't work there.

And once you're ok with that possibility, and the financial issues that result, you'll see that it doesn't matter how he leaves and that, actually, him getting FIRED makes it easier. That way, you don't have to convince him to get away from the job and OW. Someone else decided that for him, and it'll make contact more difficult.


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If he broke things off it would be over?? For the A, or your M? I'm confused. If he is indicating that the M is over if you make him end the A, then you have a pretty clear answer as to what to do. When attempting to end an A, you cannot live in fear that it will end in D. If you do nothing, it will eventually end in D anyway.

You cannot accept the A to continue. He is a serial cheater and you will not accept living under those conditions. My mother divorced my stepfather with 4 kids and no job after years of emotional abuse from him. Guess what? We survived.


Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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Originally Posted by mehr
I don't think that whether or not human resources knows is going to effect whether he stays with her...

You bet it will IF you frame it from the perspective of his having an affair with a co-worker opens up the company to any number of sexual harrassment lawsuits and loss of productivity.

But, no, he does have to decide whether or not to stay with this bimbo. But he needs a little push to get him started...and losing his job will be a good way to start making him see that there are indeed consequences for bad behavior.



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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
And trust me, the courts will make damn sure that you don't do without if he divorces you. Again, that will be his problem.

I see what you mean about if he gets fired it would be easier.... but what you wrote here is not true. I have already gone to see a lawyer, and I know that there is only so much of his money they will take because they won't leave him unable to support himself. As a stay at home mom with 4 children under 7 I will win every penny besides what they deem "required" to support himself. So if he gets fired and divorces me and can't find another reasonably paying job, ALL of the money that was lost will be money that would have been mine. frown

I wish he hadn't gone back to her house.... I don't know why he is doing this....


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Originally Posted by Wisertoday
If he broke things off it would be over?? For the A, or your M?

If he broke things off with her, it would be over with her.... she wouldn't take him back...


Married 1/2000.
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Originally Posted by Wisertoday
You cannot accept the A to continue. He is a serial cheater and you will not accept living under those conditions. My mother divorced my stepfather with 4 kids and no job after years of emotional abuse from him. Guess what? We survived.


In complete agreement. Doing nothing will get you nowhere.

My WW had to quit her job with OM, period. We immediately we into the red the first month but, guess what, other doors opened and we're still alive.

As long as contact continues at work, the affair will not end. Period. I tried that line of thinking for eight months--fear of the financial impact if she left that job--and it got me nowhere. The affair flourished with no interference from me.


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If we are going to be together then yes he needs to leave the job. I told him that yesterday and he did not like it. But what I am afraid of is him getting fired and then divorcing me anyway.


Married 1/2000.
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Originally Posted by mehr
I don't think that whether or not human resources knows is going to effect whether he stays with her...
Here are your options:

1. Say nothing to anyone: the A will steadily grow and he will very likely leave you.
2. Say something to people who have no power to influence him to end the A: the A will steadily grow and he will very likely leave you.
3. Say a little bit to a few people: Your WH will have ample time to realize that you're starting to spill the beans. He and OW will spin your story to make you out to be a nutjob, and he'll claim he left you because of that.
4. Blow the lid off and tell people in a position to make him uncomfortable by continuing the A: that would include employers, relatives, friends, clergy, etc - anyone he needs to be in good graces with.

Your most powerful target is the employer. Unfortunately, you've already tipped this to his co-workers, so the element of shock will be removed at his job when the you-know-what hits the fan there. But you can still really rock the boat by going to HR, his immediate supervisor and the CEO.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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