Hello all. Today I found MB and started reading this topic. So I start a jouney that I may find an answer to a question I dare not ask anyone around me. Will I be ok? I have not yet told her what I know about her actions.

Thank you in advance, as I am feeling better already from reading all the great feedback that Stretch has gotten.

Should I start my own topic or use a post to tell my story? Where do I learn the abbreviations used here. I will only be able to reply at my 9-5 job.

Lots of us BHs (Betrayed Husbands) on here. Come on in and share. Lots of room, closest thing you might get to a support group.

Done miracles for me, stretch, andy, Total, stuck etc etc etc.

Welcome to MB

Welcome, itburns_so.

Is your question, "will I be OK?"

If so, the answer is a definite "YES."

How long that takes depends on what you're willing to do to make it happen.

Most of the abbreviations used here are collected in a "Notable Post" found here. If you come across one you don't understand, just ask.

Asking is how we learn and help each other. Don't be shy!

I won't point you to my story, but if you're interested, you can find it by clicking on my username and following the bread crumbs...

Suffice it to say that like every other Betrayed Spouse (BS) on this forum, my world was turned upside down when I learned of my Wayward Wife's (WW) affair (A). My marriage did not survive (this is Marriage Builders, not 'Marriage at all costs'), but I recovered. The reason I am still here is to show others -- just like you -- that personal recovery is possible. And Marriage Builders can show you the way.

So come on in. The water's fine and there's a group of awesome people here waiting for you!

itburns_so

Welcome to the club that none of us want to belong to. But I found out there is a lot of strength, friendship and fantastic advice.

My Discovery Day (D-Day) was late on a Saturday night just four weeks ago. I discovered a secret email account (she left clues -- and I was suspicious for over a year anyway). At 3AM that morning I thought I would pass out and die. I knew about MB, I was on this forum to talk about building my marriage and all the work and changes we were going through. But something just wasn't working no matter how hard I tried. Little did I know.

Without this resource, I would not have known what to do. I survived the next 6 hours. The next 24 hours. On MOnday morning I went to see my personal therapist. I talked to my physician and got medications. I started snooping enough to get all the facts. I saw my personal therapist two more times. I talked to my sisters. I learned about Exposure day. I made a plan that was right for our marriage. I didn't do everything perfectly on Exposure day but I have no regrets. There is no perfect way to find out about your WS's (wayward spouse) A (affair). The BH (betrayed husband) must get level headed and stable. This is the fight of your life and the prize is fantastic.

A poster told me many months ago: "Do not underestimate the love that can be shared between two people that really know and understand each other!"

Think about "The Best That Could Happen!" not "The Worst That Could Happen."

We can help you get ready for Exposure day. And help you get ready for Plan A after that. And tell you what our WW's did and said while they were "in the fog" in the days and weeks after the exposure.

Be strong! See your physician. Get close family that can support you (TRUSTWORTHY family). Read everything on this website. All of Harley's articles.

You can and will survive and recover !

Wow, look at all the support here. Thank you for the Welcome and the much needed words of support. Sure am glad I found this place. Sad I did't find it a year ago.

Reading the other stories I see there is a lot for me to learn. I am reading all the recomended articles I can fit in while I'm at work. It's not possible for me to visit here at home.

Where do I start my story? This is a summery of what I am dealing with. If there is a better way for me to share, please let me know.
I found out about phone calls and txt's in 8/2010 when I read the phone bill. Something I usually didn't do. The OM is a high school friend that lives in another state. My WW started talking with OM in mid 2009. She visited her hometown 8/2010 for a family reunion. That's when she was with OG in person. I have found facebook, cell txt, calls and emails are still going on. I now know his ID. I have not confronted her yet.

Wow what a short summery that definetly doesn't reflect all the work and pain in that time. It feels good to start letting out this that I have closed up so tight inside. TY.

Our marrage has been on a bumpy road for as long as I can remember. I agree when I read that our needs were probably not being meet, so that is how I ended up here. I thought we showed our love for each other. I always thought we were 'working' on making things better. After learning about the affair I read some books like 'Five Love Languages'. I have learned I was failing at providing her with support. My attitude has changed. Now we do more things together. I get her flowers. I show her more of my love for her. She has responded with opening up and showing me her love more. Things are better at home, but far from a truely loving, caring, open, relationship. And, I still have not confronted her.

I do so love my wife. We have fun together as a family. But she is still my WW, and the pain burns so much I sometimes breakdown and cry.

You will need to expose that beast. I hope you'll be able to get the guts to do it... I know you might be a little nervous but your marriage is at stake. It should start to give you the courage to defeat this

You have a lot of homework to do my friend before Exposure Day. Try to read everything. Especially Plan A and Plan B. Especially Harley's articles called Coping with Infidelity Part 1,2,3.
Before Exposure you will need to gather and save evidence.
Plan for what happens after Exposure. It will be a shock to you both and a long rollercoaster ride. So you need to be strong for Plan A and Plan B.
Do you have your own therapist? Is he/she well trained?
Do you have anti depresant medications? They take a few weeks to become theraputic. Your physician might also give you some temporary anxiety pills like Xanax. Get medical help. And take your time getting prepared

I can see I have lots of work to prepare for ED. I installed a keylogger on the pc a month ago. As I gather evidence, how do I deal with the feeling of also being a cheat? Everytime I check the logger logs I feel bad. I can not even imagine how I will feel when I tell her I have been snooping. That is one reason I have kept it secret.

Your words of advice here make a huge difference to me. They help me get back on track to do what I know I must and expose what I know. TY.

I have seen one therapist. This was after D-Day for 4 visits. But with a recent move I have not found another one. Any suggestions on back ground and training the therapist should have?

The words you use to convey your actions are very important.

Practice them. Out loud. In a mirror.

You are attempting to learn the truth about your life. You are entitled to the truth.

You are protecting your marriage and family. You do not have to say that you've been snooping.

If she asks how you know what you know, tell her you've got your sources. That's all that needs to be said.

You are doing the right thing!

You ARE doing what you have to do to protect your marriage and family.

Don't doubt yourself.

When you suspect your spouse of cheating, you have a right and an obligation to do whatever it takes to find out the truth, and then take every step necessary to end the A and work on a recovery plan.

I found about my FWW's A in August of 2010 as well. I confronted/exposed in September, and by October, the A was crushed and we are happily in recovery now.

After you have your evidence, you will have to expose/confront in a loving but firm manner. The A must stop and there must be an agreement of NC for life. Then the real work begins. But regardless of how it turns out, you will be doing what is best for you and your family. Be strong. We've all been there and we're still standing.

My WW is still mad at me for reading her emails. She says, "I will fight to the end that it was okay for me to have a secret email account."

I can't reason with her. There is no point. There was an affair in our marriage and I never had a chance to rebuild the marriage and improve myself while it was out there. Invisible. In the way.

She will be MAD AT YOU. and ANGRY WITH YOU for betraying her because you snooped. Get used to it. Let it roll off your back.
It will take a long, long time for her to let go of that.

I am 3 weeks + past exposure day and my WW is still mad about the snooping. Despite what every expert on recovery has written.

itburns: you are fighting for your marriage and fighting for your children and family. YOu are defending her. YOu are on her side. You are standing there strong, willing to fix yourself. Willing to meet her EN's. Willing to slay the beast of A for her and the kids.

itburns_so - just to add onto what Stretch said, him and I are on the same exposure timeline and it isn't easy. My WW hasn't even faltered in over 3 weeks. She's mad as ever, tells me almost every night she hates me and wants a divorce. The day of exposure, she moved into the spare bedroom. We have no intimate conversations, we talk about topics of the day, our DS, or other topics, hardly any physical contact and definitely nothing romantic - not even a touch. However, she still takes a shower, brushes her teeth and keeps her clothes where she used to. She just sleeps in the other room.

I'm telling you this, because this road isn't easy but it's worth the prize. When it's no longer worth the prize, then you need to let her go. Just remember that you're stronger than you think and your limits are further out than you think. Hang in there!

Itburns_so - when you confront her, I would definitely not tell her you have been snooping or you will assuredly loose that ability down the road.
I believe one of the vets (ML) has stated this very well about secrecy, there is no place for secrecy in marriage (secret email accounts, etc..), privacy yes (like closing the door when going to the bathroom), but secrecy NO WAY.

Okay, time to break out NG's BH starter kit:

• You've already installed the keylogger. (well done, btw.)
• Get a web-reporting GPS unit to hide in WW's car.
• Buy several VAR's - one for her car, one for her work location (if feasible), one for the room in your house she's likely to go to to speak to POSOM on her cell.
• Get Flexispy for her phone.
• Put together a list of persons with some degree of influence on WW - parents, siblings(esp. sisters), good friends, former sorority mates, clergy, etc. Add e-addresses and phone numbers to your list.
• Do the same for POSOM. Start with his Facebook friends list. Married? Good. Married with $$$$$? Better! His siblings, parents, employer, etc.
• Research the divorce laws in both states - fault or no-fault, separation requirements, etc
• Make a list of all your joint accounts - credit card, savings, checking
• Force yourself to attend to your physical needs - eat when you're not hungry, drink water when you're not thirsty. If you have access to gym equipment, use it regularly.
• SAVING THE MOST CRITICAL FOR LAST: Get a small mini-recorder, and have it with you and "on" whenever you are in WW's presence.

Hold on tight - You've been given a ticket to the nastiest roller-coaster in existence.

Hello all. I am still reading a lot on this site. Started reading the 'help, please' post and I can relate to a lot of the comments.

I have not seen any WW txt to OM for 3 weeks. The keylogger has not shown any long chats to OM (1hr or more) for a month. There has been 2 times where they say 'HI hows the weather.' then WW logs off. The OM lives in another state so no physical contact since 2010. It feels like WW is working with me to make the marrage better.
SO, I had planned to come on here today and ask what plan should I use if WW has NC, by her choice, without ED. Would I still want to work on ED and PlanA like strech1234 and others are helping me do? Or can I work on moving on if she is too?

But then I find a 'Like from WW' on OM's FB page today. This means WW is still looking at and interested in OM's dealings. Right?! This sucks big time. I was getting my hope up. Back to my reading.

TY NeverGuessed:
-keylogger & snapshots of internet. Simple one as a better one was killed by antivirus program
-if OM is out of state would I still get a GPS?
-Need to find out what VAR is.
-we don't have smart phones so haven't been able to use anything like Flexispy on cell.
-working on list of persons with influence. When would list be of use ie: contact them before or after ED?
-Really hate working on OM's stuff but will gather info.
-need to research divorce laws.
-need to list joint accounts
-I am doing better with physical needs as DD was 8/2010. I did have times when I was physicaly sick after DD.
-I have a recorder and have used it some. I will keep it handy.

Hello All. Can someone point me to a post with advice on confronting/exposing a w-spouse that is now hocked on helping the other person find themselves. My WW thinks she is helping the OM with his problems. I have read enough to see this is her wanting to keep contact with OM. This is complicated by OM being her child hood friend. When WW chats with OM she tells him they can not be together but the next line is that they both think about each other often. OM is still thinking they can be together and states how much he L's her. WW responds that she thinks of him (no L u) but relationship can't work out.

-keylogger & snapshots of internet. Simple one as a better one was killed by antivirus program
-if OM is out of state would I still get a GPS? Maybe a lower priority
-Need to find out what VAR is. Voice activated recorder
-we don't have smart phones so haven't been able to use anything like Flexispy on cell. Doesn't have to be a 'smart phone'
-working on list of persons with influence. When would list be of use ie: contact them before or after ED? They ARE the exposure targets on ED
-Really hate working on OM's stuff but will gather info.
-need to research divorce laws.
-need to list joint accounts
-I am doing better with physical needs as DD was 8/2010. I did have times when I was physicaly sick after DD.
-I have a recorder and have used it some. I will keep it handy. Good

Itburns_so

WW's usually lie to keep some type of contact with their AP.

Have you confronted your WW yet based on the information you have?

I take it there is continued contact with the OM. Even if it is limited it is still contact.

Have you ever just talked to your W about how you feel about this childhood friend? Does she know how you feel about her relationship with him?

I take it she does not know you are snooping and right now I suggest you leave it that way.

Can you come back and give us a little more info with where your at in all this.

I can't think of a specific thread right now concerning your specific question but I know most WW's will use any reason-No matter how flaky-to continue contact. That is pretty standard for all WW's.

nESRE

itburns... I was thinking of you all these weeks. Good to hear from you.

Are you with a therapist of your own and do you have meds? How are you sleeping? How is the relationship with your wife.

Do you attend joint marriage counselling (MC) right now? If not, try to find one with MB training.

Okay, so should you expose or not? YES YES YES.
Your marriage cannot go on while her affair continues. And this is definitely an affair. Even if it has become (for the time being) and Emotional Affair (EA).

Perhaps she would jump at the chance to expose herself. My wife believes that she was somehow going to tell me herself someday. She wishes she could have been the one to tell. But, tough nuts. I took control of what was happening to me, and to our M. Like most BH's on this forum. We had to take control because the WW was out of control.

Anyway, I have wondered from time to time if it would have been better if she had exposed. Then I could have said, "I know... thank you for finally telling me." Melody, MaritalBliss... any thoughts?

For me, I asked her several times to admit to an affair and she denied it. At least two or three specific times over the year and a half when all I was was suspicious. Then I asked her twice after D-Day. I asked directly and she denied. So exposure was my responsibility to save the M for both of us. Your WW will likely be mad at you. But it will take some time for her to recover.

I am now Exposure Day plus 6 1/2 weeks and its still rough. The first two weeks were torture. No sleep. Couldn't eat. I cried non-stop. She was sooo mad at me. I lost 25 lbs so far.

You do need to get this out in the open. Its your marriage and you can't live on like this. She needs to have NC (no contact) with this other man or your M will die from a thousand cuts over the years.

WOW, Here is what I was typing while you replied.

Now that I have that posted I can move on to some history of my situation. It's even hard to type out what I am dealing with. My story deals with me, kids and WW living in a different state then OM. The OM does not have the means to travel to see my WW. There has been (only) two times for physical contact. I have found out the talking began 10/2009 with physical contact in 08/2010.

2008 - We had our own house that I worked on while WW raised the kids. We had lots of issues between us that fit perfectly into mold of a couple with empty love buckets.

2009 - I went to a new job in a different state while WW and kids stayed at our old house. During this time WW made contact with a male child hood friend and they start chatting on FB. WW mentioned to me that she had found an old friend on FB and they were catching up. I didn't think anything of this. I trusted her and thought we were working things out to be together soon in the new house.

2010 � The family moved to the new house Aug 4th. On Aug 8th WW and kids went to her family reunion. I couldn't go. On Aug 21 WW and kids went to visit her Mom in the same town as the reunion. I had to go on B-trip. My Dday was Aug 27th when I found txts on the cell bill. Found 100's of txts from Aug. but nothing before then. I didn�t tell WW what I suspected. I really didn�t know what to do! On Sep 10th WW told me she had been thinking about Divorce but had changed her mind and wanted to give us a chance to work things out. I had already started reading 'Five Languages of Love' so started on my own 'Plan A' of correcting my actions to fill her love bucket.

2011 - I have been to see two therapists and they both told me that I should not confront WW without proof of any thing wrong. They told me that I was the one who had to change first. So I tried to set up a logger on the pc. This worked for a week then WW found a msg that showed up asking to enter the password to reinstall the program. I tried to act innocent and pass it off as an advertisement to something we didn't want. This probably tipped her to my snooping. I did manage to install a logger the second attempt a few months ago and have caught a few chats. I have been tracking the txts (Daily, yes daily) to see if they stop. Over six months txts slowed down from daily to every other week.

This month there had only been 3 txts and 2 short chats. Then this week there has been 2 long chats and 20 txts. There goes all my hopes of OM leaving us alone.