This reminds me of something a nurse told me when wife was in the hospital, and after a long time dealing with her heroin addiction, I was dealing with her constant pain medication requests.

I told the nurse about her past addictions, and that the doctors knew, and at the time she was asking for more and more morphine. I knew her, and knew why she was asking was more than just because of the pain, it was how she was dealing with it all. It was why she drank, why she ran away, why she blamed others, why she was rebeliuos...she was afraid. I could see it and do nothing to help her accept comfort her, but it still stung when she asked for more narcotics, because even now that she was dieing, it still struck the same old nerves of when she was just addicted.

The nurse said, "Its allways the ones, who watch someone they love, suffer, whether it be from addiction or otherwise, who suffer the most, in her case, with amount of morphine being pumped in her, she can't understand all of what you feel".

I've come to realize, that those who run away, and don't deal with the pain and hard things life has given us, are the ones who lose the most. In the case of your stbx, he has lost much by losing you. What he is doing, is running away, and he can't run far enough to get away from himself. You are going through a very normal but painful time right now. Without him to love you, you have to love yourself, as now you are being drawn back to Gods care.

You feel it because you have the capacity to love, and have deep emotions. God bottles your tears, and counts the hairs on your head. He will not abandon you to this and in time you will come through this just fine.

CP

Well Said

Hey you guys...

Thank you for all the support and the thoughts you shared with me. I tried to log on when I arrived home last night, but the server was down. After that, I ended up talking to my son's gf until 2:00 in the morning. And I was slammed at work again today, Dr's appt after that, then home and cooked ribs on the grill, and nursed my son's gf who just had some tumors removed in surgery yesterday. Finally, time to relax a bit and catch up.

I checked the posts everyone left on and off throughout the day yesterday, when I could, but I didn't have time to give any reponses. I just wanted to let every know that those thoughts helped me, and I'm feeling better today. I was definitely triggered and had a dip on the rollercoaster. The great thing about dips is that I know the coaster will go back up. Has anyone ever felt bipolarish on this ride?

I believe CP had mentioned finding it difficult to do some things he thought would be good for him. I felt that way last night after school before the Divorce Care Meeting. I was tired when I arrived, but I went in anyway, because CP's words were echoing in my mind. I'm glad Powerbane suggested it, and I'm glad I had that extra push. Thanks Powerbane and CP.

The meeting was good. The videos and discussion mirrored what I"m going through, so it was helpful to know I'm not crazy or insane....even right down to not wanting to answer my phone on some days...lol....

I felt very welcomed. Everyone shared a brief history with me to catch me up, since it meeting #5 and I just started. I do plan to return. I picked a place over the bridge in different area from where I live that's on my way home from school, and I kinda like that. There wasn't anyone in that room that I knew. However, one girl looks familiar, so I may know her somehow. All in all, it was good, and good for me.

Itsa, I loved this......



Telling me to remember the other night was helpful. I do try to remember the blessings I have, the good times I've had despite the pain, and I do try to be forward thinking and positive about the future. I guess what I'm trying to say is that right when I read what you wrote, I did remember the other day when I had fun with my friends, then had fun on here talking to some of you, and it did cheer me up, and I felt that ray of hope that always pulls me back up. Thank you for that.

Smiling Woman, thanks for the concern about the finances. I actually had a discussion about that with my counselor last week. Based on how I was feeling, she encouraged me to go ahead and be open and honest about the small part time job I just started with my stbx. It was important to me to pull my weight as much as I could, and feel comfortable about it. In this situation I do. It was going to come out anyway when I had to do the financial affidavit.

Also SW...thanks for reminding me that I'm still not far along into this time wise. I felt like I should be further along because d-year started 4 1/2 yrs ago. However, I realize that another d-day was 6 months ago when he said he wanted out. Regardless of whether or not there's another affair, it still feels like one because I know he wants an intimate relationship with someone. He told me he did and "that he's not getting any younger". So, it still feels like adultery to me. He's ultimately leaving me for someone else. I feel good knowing you made it through and are happy now. Gives me a little more hope.

CP...



Today I was thinking maybe we were meant to have more than we envisioned. I use to think I was relationship intelligent, compassionate, and humble. I was to a point, but not like I am now. I love my heart now. I love who I am, who I have the potential to be. I love that I've realized that I have the capacity to forgive. I've stretched my mind beyond limits I ever thought possible. I'm happy I have more than material things. Do you feel that in yourself? Lately, I've been able to feel all of that even during the dips.

Maybe my forgiveness of others has allowed me to forgive myself. I'm able to forgive myself for my humaness, my guilt, slowly but surely. I love reminding myself that I'm not perfect, and no one is. My pain paved the way for lessons that will benefit me.



The all time greatest thing that's happened to me through this is finding my source of strength within myself, through God, and not another human being. I can no longer deny that there's a force watching out for me, and the peace I can feel when I meditate on that is beyond all understanding. When I'm not feeling it, I'm usually in a place where I'm working to prove myself.

I am trying to love myself. Oftentimes, I am successful.



I know that he can't possibly understand what I feel. I've never thought about it from this angle though. I was aware addictions numbed people of their pain, so it should be no surprise to me that it would prevent them from feeling anyone else's pain either. Good point.



I agree CP. For so many reasons I agree. I keep threatening to write a blog or something about this very topic.



Thanks CP. Thanks for taking the time to share some of your capacity with me. Did you ever think that your suffering would help someone else? I'm using nuggets of your story to find my own healing.

Thanks all of you.

That was a book. I wonder if Want2Stay is still around. He liked long posts.

I feel like I'm on pins and needles just waiting to be served divorce papers. And I already know when I get them, my heart is going to sink to the ground.

I know this because I received a letter from the courthouse already, but it was regarding me appearing for jury duty. My heart sunk when my son brought that letter to me. It took me five minutes to ask my son't gf to open it and read it for me. At first I felt relieved realizing it wasn't the divorce papers, but then realized I get to go through that again. I guess I can call that a practice run. /shrug

I'm down again today after receiving an e-mail from my stbx asking if I was opposed to meeting with a mediator in a few weeks, and did I have one in mind that I'd like to use.

Well, I am opposed. I told him I was opposed to what he was doing, and I'd help him with just about anything, but that.

On top of that......

I still am having a hard time coming to terms with my stbx's actions over the last 6 months, from the time he said he wanted out until now.

Even though he had said he was done 6 months ago, those first two months while he was still here, he was still kind. Very kind in fact. I even remember thinking it only made it worse when he acted kind.

Then a few weeks after he moved out and into his sisters, he became mean, hateful, and downright rude. I do not get it. I don't know if I will ever get it, and it feels like it's haunting me.

I was "with him" ONCE since he left. After that, I discovered he took off his wedding ring, and it hurt too much to have any contact with him after that. I think it was shortly after that when he became hateful.

Now, he's back to being somewhat civil (while he's breaking my heart at the same time) with the very minimal e-mail only contact that we have.

I struggle when I try to process this. It took several years after d-year to finally get to the point where I thought we were going to make it. Not that we had made it, but I honestly thought he valued me and our marriage enough to finish working through the issues we had.

I mean, we had been through a lot. Just two weeks before his blowing annoucement, he had agreed to get back into the Lovebuster book with me.

Six months later and I'm still feeling that all of this surreal, and some kind of bad dream. And I feel off kilter. I still feel out of place. I don't feel comfortable with my ring on or off. I feel like a misfit in a bad dream.

I want to wake up and jump out of bed ready for the day like I use to be. I want the wind to stop.

MyJourney, I'm sorry you're going through all this. Extended pain makes recovery so much harder and protracted. I wish I had words to lend you comfort; you add so much to my own story, that I wish I could repay you in kind.

Reading so many stories here, I realize how fortunate I am by comparison. Of course, no one would wish to be here, but I managed to survive the bomb blast and crawl out of the crater in a relatively short time compared to others such as yourself.

Perhaps the only thing I can say is some advice that was given to me (many times, in fact): "When you're going through hell, don't stop. Keep going."

Its part of what happens when we give someone 1/2 of our self-value, and the poison that effects them, that is even numbing them, has its effects on you.

For me it is taking time to come back to the realization that I am able, and worth it, to live a good life. It comes slower than I want, and for me it comes as past pain is forgotten. But I am still a long way being settled yet, and I have all the time in the world till it happens. Thats how I am dealing with it, and still trying to understand, believing there is more to live yet. I just haven't gotten there yet.

Maybe I think to much, but I want to get past pain and fear, and get over it allready, so I can come out on the other side whole and happy. If at that time I can help someone avoid pain that I recognize, I will offer up advice, but at this stage of my life, I wont worry if it doesnt apply, or they wont listen. The only one person that it meant so much for me to hear me, ignored me and others and perished. That has taught me a good lesson, one I thought I allready knew. That people believe what they want to believe, according to thier capacity.

I keep thinking. "What if I find my life experience very much ingrained into myself, and seek to help others because of my pain?" I also see people who look for pain, and others that never know that pain I experienced. I would not want to serve the fool thinking they needed pain to be valid, because they had a good life, and the ones who avoided the pitfalls I would just want to support in whatever they did to avoid them. In thier case, "Ignorance is Bliss". I think of those who have trusted God and his mandates about marriage and relationship, and avoided those pits in life, maybe thats the lessons God has given in his warnings, so we would not suffer.

But God knew we would fail, as I have heard it, he designed us imperfect, so his Grace could be shown. The most perfect angel, Satan, who because he was an Angel could never make a mistake and be shown forgiveness, rebelled against God, and hated us, so he was cast down to roam the earth, seeking whom he could destroy. Gods most preciuos creation, mankind.

Something interesting. I heard a preacher talking about this...The first commandment in which God said

"Exodus 20:3 (King James Version)

3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me."

Notice that the coammandment wasn't "Thou shall never fail to have no other gods before me."

He knew we would. we would worship women and money and reputation and fame at some time in our life, yes we would fail. God knew that the spirit of man would fall to temptation, and we were weak and vain. How many of us when we have all we need still want more? Its human nature, and we will be bumping our head agianst it all our lives, wondering if we have enough yet, or if its good enough yet, if we made the grade. Only God can turn this curse into a blessing, if we open our hearts and minds to His guidance, and trust Him with His plan for our lives.

Its how we respond to failure that makes the difference. I allways told my kids and anybody else who had the need to hear it or listen,

"Show me someone who never made a mistake, and I will show you the same person that never learned anything" some lessons hurt deeply, but they are still lessons, and God still loves us. It was allways very important to me to prove I could be a good husband and father, it has been ingrained in me since a little kid, seeing my fathers dreams, and believing with my parents that that was life was all about, working together. If you just had that, food and shelter, you had everything. Somewhere my Dad and Mom had issues, and Dad did not handle them well, nor would he seek counsel or listen to anybody, and they divorced when I was 17. I guess i took the best part of my beliefs, and sought to make them come true.

So that part of my life is over, but my life isn't, and God still has greater things that have not yet entered into my little head yet, but probably will when I trust him again. I blamed God for not making me strong enough to help my wife, and I allways supported her faith, and trusted Him also for her. But the lesson I have learned is not to think I have anything to prove, and my sacrifice means nothing to anybody, not even God, who allready gave His Son the perfect one as a sacrifice. That should have been good enough for all of us, but we are still trying to control it all, and make it fit to what we believe, as it serves our hearts and feelings. We try to make God in our image, instead of conforming to His, when we can, and when we have the opportunity in the short years we have.

God gave me this mind, and in time I will get stuff all behind me, and live up to Gods potential, which I still believe is more than I can imagine without solid reason and truth, and his inspiration. We were designed to look up and out from ourselves, and our limited understanding of all things pertaining to life. There are teachers and doctors and police all serving to help us survive and thrive. We must honor the spirit of learning and overcoming obstacles that we trip over, and help each other up when they fall, maybe pointing out the stone too, so other don't trip.

As soon as I agree that God has a plan for me, and search for it, while I trust Him, then I will have all I need.

Your only 4 months out, and you sound like you are doing very well, adjusting and growing beyond this painful thing.

May God continue to bless you and keep you. He will turn your sorrow around.

Thats good Fred.

Sorry I stole your CS-Lewis sigline about the having a body BTW, but you must understand, it was so good. Lol. Np you got another good one.

You do help me too Fred. Just being here felt supportive to me. Thanks.



Amen. I like that one.

I still vizualize angels on horses leading me through this. That daydream I had awhile back was so vivid that I still get choked up a little when that vision comes to mind.

Yeah, I get this. I think our partners sucked as dry. For me, it seems as though I feel emotioanlly spent. I sometimes find it difficult to shoot for the stars and soldier on when I feel so worn out for dealing with the debris from the wayward winds.



I think most of us do this. I find myself searching for answers so I can lay various issues to rest. I have to consciencely slow my mind down, and just be ok with what I have control over, and even don't have control over.



They say experience is the best teacher. It's easier for people to relate to someone who has been there and done that. I think it's great if you can help someone with whatever resources you have. Compassion and empathy are valuable commodities, which you have.



It does seem to be all about picking ourselves up after our mistakes. And yes, we all make them. I have learned to truly appreciate what the meaning of grace is.




I like to think that no matter my circumstances, I still have all I need. It helps when I can get in that mindset.

Thanks for being here CP.

Wow...I've recently met someone through work who fits 95% of my checklist if I were going to have a rebound relationship. I am so completely vulnerable to him right now, because he would make an excellent distraction. A FUN distraction. We have a ton in common I'm finding out. I was told he's been divorce for 2 1/2 yrs and his wife cheated on him a few times. But a lot of the things I'm wanting to do, and have done, he likes too. There's also a lot we haven't done, that we want to do, that would be f.u.n. doing with him.

This feels so extremely wierd to me. I've never allowed my mind to wander about another man, as far as I've allowed my mind to wander this last week about him.

It's confusing because my feelings for my husband felt so deep, yet I'm excitedly curious about/and wanting to hang out with this guy. He wants to hang out with me too.

What to do, what to do?

I feel guilty for wanting to hang out with this guy. I feel maybe there's something wrong with me for wanting this, when my feelings for my husband are not gone.

Now I truly know how it feels to go down the rabbit hole if you don't have boundaries in place in marriage.

A rhetorical question, MJ?

You know what to do: WAIT.

I'm sorry, MJ. We talk about boundaries and doing the "right thing."

As much as you'd like to engage with this guy, you're not in a position to, yet.

Yet.

If this relationship is meant to be, it will be after you're out of your marriage, finally and legally.

But here's the silver lining, MJ. At least you know that there are men who find you attractive, and vice-versa. When our egos have been brutalized they way they have been, it's nice to know that we're still found appealing by somebody else.

Wait, MJ. Wait.

I have to agree MJ, as much as it seems its over, your marriage is not yet.

Consider this a sign that there can be a future, not a sign that this is it.

Ok. Back to reality. Glad I snapped out of that.

I spent the last hours since my last post really thinking about this. I don't know what came over me. My current feelings for my husband definitely are still strong, and most importantly, I don't want to walk the path of seeing someone until after I'm divorced. I know I should wait some time after that as well. I'm going to need to become busier with other things and keep my boundaries up. That feels better.

Right now, I miss my husband, and still love him. Even though he doesn't value me as his wife, it doesn't change my feelings about him. I'm not sure why that is, but there it is.

Fred, thanks for reminding me where my head needs to be. CP, thanks for chiming in.

I feel more peaceful now.

Yeah, I will say that this was an ego boost. But I realized that I don't really need that ego boost, and honestly, it would have meant something to me had the attention been coming from my husband. I figured it out today that at this point, it's only my husband that I want showing me that kind of attention. And we know that's not going to happen, so, oh well. I'll get there when I get there.

Yes, it was that. I wonder when I'll be able to see a furtu re without my husband in it. I don't like thinking of my future without him.

Friggin coaster.

Just fyi....

I've been reestablishing some of my female friendships, and had dinner with one of them tonight. That was fun, and good for me. She was in a healing type group that I was in last year for a few months and those women know EVERYTHING about me, down to my soul. It's wonderful to hang out with people who know you like that, and who I know them like that as well.

I'm having dinners with my neighbors this Friday, and I plan to call friends and family and set up dinner dates all over town from here on out. I am finally ready to get out and be more social than I have been.

I have been social, but not as often as I would have liked to. I was in too much pain most of the time to committ to anything. Now, I can.

After my divorce, I will add more males inside my social circle.

I still have some deeply hurtful moments, but they're not stopping my forward movement.

Thank God for time, family, and friends, because they do help the healing.

I've been visiting with friends and family over the last two weeks. I always feel blessed after spending time with them, doing all sorts of things. I'm having lunch with two friends tomorrow that I'm close to. I'm also getting enough energy back to work in my yard, and decluttering the house, if we're selling it. Doing well in school. The Divorce Care meetings have been helpful, and I've had things to offer them as well.

I've been making those conscience decisions to do those things, to stay on a path to healthiness. I still have a ways to go, but I'm getting there.

What still needs healing the most is my heart. I can be fine and feel measurable healing, then something reminds me of stbx and if my mental gymnastics don't work fast enough to dismiss the thought, I find myself feeling the grief that ebbs and flows. I feel like I'm in the midst of the dark nights still, and will for awhile.

The thought today that my mental gymnastics wouldn't dismiss is that I feel that my husband never, and I mean never, wanted to be married to me. He told our pastor he "wanted to do the right thing", before he married me.

I think when we first found MB about 4 yrs ago, he could have started falling in love with me. He was distant before that the whole time we were married.

Trouble was, during those past few years, I wasn't equipped to deal with a year long discovery of multiple affairs, continued lying after a poly, horrible to deal with health issue that messed me up emotionally and physically, and a mother who needed two years of care after breaking her hip, only to end up passing away after that.

So in the almost 18 yrs I was married, when my husband finally started to have a relationship with me....the above is what he saw. He saw this ill equipped, emotinally devasted woman, for the most part. When I wasn't dying inside, I tried to have fun with him.

I am not sure he was able to see who I was underneath all of the pain, anger, and even hopelessness at times. He saw the very, very worst of me. Someone he apparently couldn't value. I feel hurt by this and need to figure out a way to get past it.

It sounds like you had every reason to be "Mopey" at one time. What strikes me is that during all that hardship, you still were willingly asking your husband to love you fairly, when he had not done it before that time. It seems he was blind, and you had blamed yourself for it.

I don't think he was strong enough from what I am hearing. You will get past this, and as you probably allready know from experience, and have been told by many, time is going to be a very big part of the healing.

I don't remember how old you are, but I think you are younger than I. One thing I can tell you is that as we age, we don't bounce back as fast as we do when young, but, here is the good part, we come back much wiser and deeper than we ever were before. We just can't see it when we are in the middle of the storm, that this too is for our own good.

If your husband could not be there and help you through the tough times, and build you up out of hopelessness, and have compassion for you, then his values were messed up to begin with.

Go ahead and do the mental gymnastics to avoid depressive thinking, but if things get to you sometimes anyways, remember they will pass, and keep doing the healthy stuff while you are waiting.

As someone who is slowly recovering,(I like to be busy and get things done), I have learned not to expect all the whys to be revealed quickly or at my pace. You will get past it and the answers will come, relief will day by day, week by week, be revealed to you. One day you will observe, "I don't feel that bad anymore", and that will continue to be a revelation you will have time and again.

Remember you did the best you could in a tough situation, and from what I read here from you, you did your share, and are a very strong and tender woman. Don't beat yourself up over his blindness.

I can so relate to this, MJ. The trick (if you want to call it a trick) is that when these thoughts come, I accept their intrusion into my mind -- but only for a moment -- and then send them on their way.

I know that I have been injured and scarred. But I am not going to let myself get held up in mid-stride. I might stagger a step or two, but I'm going to keep running...