Again, ME being subjected to XH is not a problem. The problem is that ds is. The only person that would be protected by an IM would be XH. I would still hear it all from my child (I WANT my child to feel he can tell me anything) and my child would still be living it.

As far as XH listening to anyone? Not a chance. He has NO ONE in his life with any morality. He has very shallow relationships with people he runs around with. He has no father, no step father, and he is not involved with any religion. There literally is NO ONE that would even agree to such a request.

No one would do that for you and your boy? I'm sorry, SW, I wish it was easier. How about discussing strategies with your son's IC?

Bullies respond to strength. If your H knew a man he can respect was going to hear all this stuff, he'd stifle it. That's the only thing bullies respond to, someone they respect.

Sorry, SW. You know how we always give other folks the advice we need to hear? I need a calm personality to be a mediator for my family. I'm tired of the escalation business.

Therein lies the problem. XH respects no one.

Sorry Ned. Is this with your FOO? Or your XH and kids?

The trouble is your X is using your son to twist the knife on you.

As long as you remain emotionally engaged in this conflict, he's going to continue to abuse your son.

You need to discuss some kind of disengagement strategy with your son's therapist because this is only going to continue until you find a way out of the deadlock trap.

Your X knows full well you don't dare take him back to court right now. So document and get a 3rd party involved. The therapist can give you some guidance about this.

I agree with a lot of this, but I think that he's going to continue to abuse the kid as long as he breathes. This man obviously has some kind of impaired conscience. He is emotionally abusing his child.

SW, I think you need to get your son's therapist involved in this. Have you told him that your DS is throwing up because he is in such emotional stress? Have you told him about your son running away from his father's house?

You might also consider having your son take a VAR and recording conversations and playing them back for his therapist. It might give him some insight into what is going on during visitation.

SW, I was referring to my xh and the kids. It's not anywhere to the same level as your xh, thankfully, but I didn't realize how much that dynamic exhausts me and how much that dynamic must exhaust my kids until I read your posts. A little survivor guilt I guess, SW, we made it out, yet our kids are still exposed. Even in my house, my kids can get reactive, but like you I have had plenty of practice so I can de-escalate it when they're with me.

At counseling now. Ds with him. I won't see counselor until next week. I am logging what happens at his dads.

Will you talk to the counselor before the next visitation?

Please call the therapist and tell him what's going on. Your WXH is probably spinning all this in a way that makes your son look foolish/childish/spoiled. If my kid were so upset that he was throwing up, I'd be scheduling emergency therapy sessions and taking action.

WXH spinning it? To whom?

Ds is not still throwing up and I really don't know for sure that is why he was throwing up. He likes the counselor and he likes going.

Ds said the counselor told him the results of the testing he did last week.He tested at age 18 on his memory test and 10th grade on his spelling and reading. Lowest was math and that was 7th grade level. That is no surprise to me of course, but I was happy ds could hear a 3rd party tell him he is bright. In fact he has to remember this phrase to repeat back to the doc next week. "I will make mistakes, but I am bright, very bright."

Ds didn't offer up any more of what went on and I am not going to pry although it is killing me.

I must have misunderstood. I thought that WXH was taking him to the therapist and giving the counselor HIS take on what's going on with your DS. I'm sorry I upset you.

It sound like your DS and his therapist are starting to build a good relationship. That will be helpful if you need to get the custody agreement changed to protect your DS from his father.

Oh I wasn't upset..just confused. I see now that my post wasn't clear. I was typing from my phone and didn't use enough words. I took ds, but I didn't speak to counselor today.

Ds socked his step brother (10)in the face last night. Dss's check is black and blue this morning.

Sigh. I'm at my limit.

((SW))

Parenting is hard. Step-parenting is harder.

That would frustrate any parent. I have four brothers, and they would pummel each other into the ground, destroying the furniture in the process, and then get up and go play Playstation together. Thank goodness they're grown, because we never figured out what to do about that.

You can ask DS's IC about exercises to help him with impulse control. And then you could post them here for the rest of us to use with our own kids

Yes, I plan to do just that.

They were friends again very quickly...but it is an on going issue with all 3 of them...mostly between dh's two boys and between my ds and the youngest dss (10). Dh got up the next morning and gathered some information about controlling ourselves...used the example of Cain and Able and how Cain was warned specifically by God to get mastery of his anger. It was a good discussion, the boys were all agreeable to it...it wasn't directed at any one of them--all of them are guilty of some degree of harm to the other two.

I just hate that my ds HIT AND left such a bruise on dss. Dss punched back, but I guess he didn't hit in the face. Dh's Xwife asked what happened when we dropped them off. Dh told her that thet just got into it.

As far as it being 'normal'....well, I like a phrase I heard once. 'Age expected but not accepted.' And that is what we are going with...dh tells me about growing up the oldest boy of 4 boys/3 girls. The scraped and fought something terrible...dh was the biggest and oldest and he would hurt one of his brothers in a fight then go off and cry because he did. My dh is a mild man in control of himself, so I guess there is hope for our boys.

I worry MUCH more about ds smashing himself in the face. He did that this weekend too. Just gonna tell the counselor about it and hope that it is a phase that will pass if we keep giving him enough love and support.

For a different approach, I have two boy cousins who were a "handful". When they got to be teens, and far taller and stronger than my uncle, my uncle resorted to making them go out in backyard and dig ditches. If their attitudes didn't straighten up by time they finished, they had to refill them. Lol!

Worked for them. They grew up into fine young men who respected authority and hard work.

DH's XW, mother to his sons, is demanding that their boys not be exposed to my son. She contacted DHS in her state the day after we took them home. She says they told her to let them know if DH would agree to her request/demand.

Before she told dh that she had contacted DHS, he told her we were dealing with it and were not ignoring the situation but that he would not agree to keeping the boys apart.

I am going to cry.