CWMI:

So, how does one tell a LD person, "I want to be wanted"? The definition of LD is they really don't understand "want".

I'm fairly LD (at the moment at least) and I understand it.

Cemar, it's a Friday night. Ask your wife out to dinner. Go, relax, have some fun together, do something spontaneous and romantic.

How about you draft a letter and post it here for us? Write a radically honest letter to your wife about this problem. We'll help you say the same thing without the DJs. Sound like a start, cemar? Will you do that?

I'll give you a head start: stop assuming that your wife will not understand you and what you mean. Assume that, as a previously sexual being, she retains some memory of the feeling of desire. Simply explain what desire looks like to you, and how you would recognize it in her.

CWMI:

The simplist request is that I want to be wanted. Lets go back to my oral sex example, I would say that want is giving your husband a BJ and swallowing because you LOVE to do this to him, that it turns you on to turn him on.

If you DON't enjoy doing this, you are definitely sending a NEGATIVE message to your husband, that he really is just not that important to you.

That goes both ways, cemar. By demanding that she do something she finds repulsive and claiming that you are ot important to her if she doesn't do it, is saying that HER FEELINGS are not important to you, either.

Are you going to write the letter? Please do, and post it here first.

Lol, Im sorry Cemar, but you really are into control aren't you?

I picture a Nazi disciplining people, and in a thick accent, "You vill do what I ask...and YOU VILL LUFF IT!"

Im checkin out of this thread, I did my time, and now it must be relegated to the "lunacy" dept. befrore I make any more jokes, or attack cemar anymore.

Good luck everybody. Cemar if you ever find a woman who prioritizes filling your sexual fantasies, watch out, you might not be filling hers yet. Thats the painful thing your telling us, She is not enough. How wonderful.

CWMI:

I would never want to harm my wife in anyway, se we NEVER have oral sex. So what about MY feelings, why are my feelings not relevant? Is this the whole MB philosiphy, when push comes to shove, the guy always loses?

POJA, cemar. Nobody loses.

You want to gain at your wife's expense. You want HER to lose, when you should be going for a satisfying sex life for BOTH of you.

CWMI:

So what is the compromise position? Oral sex is the highest form of intimacy possible. There are NO SUBSTITUTES for it. If we have oral sex, she loses. If we don't have it, I lose. There is NO MIDDLE GROUND as far as I can see.

ConstantProcess:

I have tried to understand you postings on marriage. I get the real impression, that from a male perspective, marriage is not going to be very fulfilling. So how do you see men surviving in romatic love marriages with wives that basically can not meet our needs. How do you learn to live without feeling desired by your spouse? Love is not much without desire.

Cemar, there are lots of men who post here who are in very fulfilling marriages.

This is your opinion Cemar. If this is what you believe, why do you stay? Why don't you do something about it instead of posting every day on an internet forum about the same thing over and over again. It's obvious you don't want any help.

So you're not married?

This thread makes me feel like a dog chasing it's tail.

Why do I feel like I could go away for a couple of years and come back and find Cemar still complaining about the exact same problems (and doing absolutely nothing to solve them)?

Exactly Writer, it's obvious that he doesn't want change anything. I suspect he gets his own little thrill by just arguing about it.

And I misspelled "tail" in my original post. My brain is going numb running around in circles.

Good grief...oral sex is the highest form of intimacy possible? Who says, Dr. Cemar?

Can you back up your opinion with proof from someone qualified to make this statement?

I doubt it but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Cemar,

Everyone has a different opinion on what the highest form of intimacy entails.

***TMI Alert***

For those still reading.....

My version of it is 180 degrees from yours. I found over the years that OS is nothing more than a warmup act. I enjoyed the stimulation, but never really had that much urge to have it be the main course in the sexual feast. I found it to be a rather selfish pleasure. I'm getting mine -- but what is she getting out of the deal? A lot of that has to do with the refractory period, which means she has to wait.

Now, OS on her is another matter entirely, since women's sexual math includes the multiplication table, if you will. They don't have that annoying refractory period to worry about.

In my opinion, true intimacy involves normal intercourse. You can look each other in the eyes and SEE each other. And when you can reach the finish line together -- what can top that? She also has told me the most stimulating thing of all for her is when she can tell that I'm almost there, and that takes her over the edge. I told her that the feeling is mutual -- it's that way for me as well.

I understand that straight intercourse only brings a third of women to orgasm. I guess that means I won the lottery with my choice of marriage partner. (Always felt that way anyway. I figure this is just one more tally in the win column.)

There's one other point worth mentioning. I'm the higher drive partner. The years have taken their toll. It's gone from 4-5/wk to 2-3/wk since biology has its way with us all eventually. I've always been on the upper end of the scale while she's been on the lower end.

She's also told me that she's not always into it when we start, but she's more than willing to get things going because she has confidence that I'll get her into the mood rather quickly. Being taken on faith on this is rather empowering. That is the definition of TRUST.

And sometimes it doesn't work. Nobody bats 1.000. What keeps it going is that we know that there's going to be a next time, and it's not that far off in the distance. Things will even out.

And you know what? They always do.

Do you come across as this opinionated to your W?

This might be part of the reason why she doesn't "desire" you, if you are always trying to force your opinions on her. That is a very disrespectful thing to do.

Agree 1000%, and I have it on good authority that my H agrees with this, too.

Cemar, what other oral fixations do you have? Between this and the french kissing, I have this image of you needing something in your mouth, and in everyone else's mouths, at all times.

Oral sex is, imho, a very non-intimate act.