I called my MIL tonight, and she thought it was a wonderful idea. She did say however that almost all the pictures of my wife's childhood, she sent to my wife.

I seem to recall this, because for some time my wife was scrapbooking in the kitchen with all the pictures of her growing up. Making a little page for each trip or event and whatnot. This is all locked away in her storage unit.

As much as I love the idea, and I think it would really hit home with my wife, especially with how she was scrapbooking herself, I'm starting to think I don't have the required materials to work with. Ie. No pictures.

I can get them for my own childhood, and I have about 15 from our wedding that I can scan. Thats it

Woot - that sounds better than nothing. Maybe you could put some blank pages in it for her pics with a note or something..

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Work has been... hectic to say the least. 15 hour days.

I did put together an album with what I had. It was 25 pages long, and I started it with her pictures on the top of a page, and pictures of me on the bottom, then they merged together into one picture per page once we had met. I had to leave quite a few blank spots for pictures I didn't have, but I wrote into the outline what picture should go there. (I have a photograpic memory, so I can remember almost all of our pictures really well)

I dropped it in the mail last Tuesday, so I hope it gets there before she leaves. We'll see.

I haven't noticed the medication. But this past weekend I had some friends over for burgers, and it went well I guess. I got invited to a St. Pattys day party this Thursday in Sacramento, then I got VIP tickets to my favorite DJ in San Francisco on Friday, then I got invited to another party on Saturday back in Sac. So this coming week is gonna be hectic but it should be a blast.

zoloft took about 3 weeks before I felt anything.

When she starts talking about your relationship over the phone, can you just start fog babble back? Or you can be like "oh okay - we'll discuss it when you get back."

Well, supposedly she left tonight.
I don't know for sure, I haven't talked to her in a few weeks.

She did message me and ask me if I wanted to pick her up at the airport. I replied "Of course I do." That was all I heard from her, and that was Saturday. I haven't heard a peep from her since.

Woot,

When do you pick her up?

You might want to consider freeing your schedule up for the next few days to Plan A her in person without leaving her at home alone. Maybe take a few vacation days or maybe even a few "mental health sick days" from work. Plan some really nice intimate things you might enjoy like your bike rides or maybe a hike in a nice park with a picnic lunch. You REALLY need to make a good impression right off the bat with her.

Jim

I don't know when she will arrive here, its never consistant. I probably have two days to a week before she gets home. Who knows.

I think you're right, I'll ask people here to take the next week off, and possibly more. I have over 50 days of leave, so its nothing for me to take 14 days off.

She is on her way back.

We just chatted for a bit, and I made sure to let her know how excited I was that she was coming home.

I got back from her:
"I don't think I'm going to stay at the house"
"I never made you out to be a monster, I just don't want to stay there."
"I don't want to sleep in the same bed as you..."

I have about 3-4 days until she returns. I have two weeks lined up to take off when she gets back.

Okay.
When talking with her in person or on the phone

appear confident in yourself and inviting of companionship but not needy.

Invite her to do activities with you but do them even if/when she declines.

Make sure the home is visually inviting and smells good.

When you pick her up

smile
tell her its good to see her
ask where she wants to go (lol....this might throw her off!)
invite her to dinner (or breakfast or lunch whichever is appropriate)

Woot,

What she SAYS and what she DOES are two different things...

Waywards all have the same game plan...

to try and get leverage by threatening you to get their way by making you feel GRATEFUL for any thing they want to do.

They try to intimidate you with threats of leaving.

I WOULD refresh your plan with her mother and all of her friends and ask them that they not cooperate with any of her requests to leave the marital home and stay with them. Remind them that you are trying to recover your M and ask them for their help.

Plan A might include a "Welcome Home" getogether for her with mutual friends and family. The more people you have supporting you in the beginning the better.

You need to make it as difficult as possible for her to leave right away to buy time for your Plan A to work.

You might consider GPS on any vehicle you think she might try to use ahead of time or maybe even making sure they are "not running right now".

Any credit cards need to be put away for now and if necessary destroyed and cancelled.

You're in Plan A right now but don't give the bank robber the keys to the bank.

Jim

Hmm, I think I might be able to disable the bikes.

We only have one car, and two motorcycles. I could drain the oil/radiator fluid from both of them as I start preparing for our track day (which she doesn't know about yet.)

When we last talked, she said "you seem to be doing fine without me there. Better actually" to which I replied I would be doing even better with her here and she retorts "it never seems that way when we talk" and "you are always leaving in the middle of conversations"
Well recently I have been, what she has said to me really hurts, so as soon as I get a whiff of that coming I leave the conversation.
Then she started asking me about some purchases I made (which she can now see because of the joint account).
She asked "what are you planning on doing this month?" "How long is your leave?" "When does it start?"

then after asking that stuff, she started in with "I don't think I'm going to stay at the house"

My counselor said "It doesn't seem like she has made her mind up. Someone who has given up, wouldn't care if I left conversations early. She wouldn't ask about money if she was really done done, or my plans."

Hopefully you are right, she herself has even scolded me in the past for believing her words not her actions. Ie. "Yea, even though I said I was done, look at my actions. I didn't divorce you yet, I kept the joint account open. But now, I'm done."

I'm so confused.

She arrives tomorrow at 2pm. I hired a maid yesterday to help me clean, and I'll be there to pick her up with flowers.

She is in Maryland right now, and is hanging out with a co-worker that lives there that I have somewhat suspected in the past. Well right now, I suspect everyone.

God I'm nervous, this sucks.

Ohh and Jim, I found a church. I'll write about that when I get home. You'll appreciate it.

She told me two.
Got in at one.
Took a rental car and left to go have lunch with her co workers.

She told them the right time.

Since you're in plan A....just mention to her "You told me the wrong time. Hey, would you like to have lunch soon?"
Something like that. She is trying to get you to pick a fight or fuss so she can justify being detached.
Carrots of plan A
Sticks when possible

No lovebusting when you communicate. Offer to meet needs but don't force them on her.

Ugh, too late on that one.
"that really hurt when you told me the wrong time."
We are at the mall, and she got me to authorize splittin our cell phone accounts.
She asked what I wanted to do today, so I said put-put. So she is stalling but I think we might go do that later.

She seems very standoffish, and almost depressed.

So curious as to why you authorized this? You will be unable to see her cell records. Unless you download some sort of cell tracking device on it so you can see her messages and her call log.

Where is the stick? I see you are being kind, sweet, and accomodating to her.

If it were me, I'd call the cell company and REVOKE the splitting of the accounts. When you tell her why you revoked it, you could say something (well I get a discount with my company) like, "Well sweetie, we're working on our financial outlook right now making things better, and we'd lose that great discount if we split the cell bills. I know you want to have as many minutes as you want, this way your plan stays the same."

So make something look like you're being sweet, but you're really applying da stick.

Just tried to call. Already split.

So using the stick, should I misplace the key to her storage unit?

She seems so sad.

Woot,

She seems sad because she feels there is no way out for her...

She feels that she has ruined her M and doesn't see a way back...

even if she wants to.

YOUR job is to SHOW her that that is indeed possible by giving her the idea that you CAN forgive her and have an even better M than before.

Right now I would take it a little easy on the stick until she is actually showing signs of wanting to be back with you THEN you can start steering her with the stick.

I would "tend to agree" with her on most things and try to get her out with you together with your friends to avoid awkward moments when you two first start connecting again.

DO NOT TAKE WHAT SHE SAYS ABOUT DIVORCE SERIOUSLY until you actually get served (and even if that happens). Up til that point you are in Plan A showing her the kind of M that is possible with you.

Do not confront her on anything until there is some mileage on your together time together or she will just bolt and you will not have a chance to continue your Plan A.

I REALLY think your best bet is to involve mutual friends and your families as much as possible in this because if they SEE a change in YOU they will be likely to advise her to give it another try.

Jim

Alright. So Day 1. Over.

She came to our house, and we just BS'd about work for a bit, then went to the ATT store to fix her phone. There she got the accounts separated.

Then after we spent 2 1/2 hours sitting in the store getting her phone to work, we walked around the mall. We got some frozen yogurt, then started shopping for some clothes for her. It was actually nice, and I even got her to crack two jokes. I had to start it with my own "Joke of the day," but she did indeed say two pretty funny jokes and it really lightened everything. She asked for my opinion on ever outfit she tried, and it was a decent shopping trip. Same thing for smelly stuff in the lotion store.

We went on base to the BX to get some facewash, and she got some alcohol, and some earrings. Then after we left the BX we decided to walk around, and for the second time tonight she referred to one of my friends as a "girlfriend." I asked her what she meant by that, because its the second time she said it. The first time I didn't respond.

She said "Do you know why I removed you as friends on facebook?" "It hurt to see you going out and having fun with your friends, hanging around all those girls. I didn't want you to feel bad for going out and having a good time like you made me feel when you were in Iraq, so I just removed you so I didn't have to see it."

"you went up and spent a weekend in Tahoe with your friends, something WE NEVER DID!"

Then we started heading back home after walking for a bit. She got to the driveway and didn't turn the car off. She said she got a hotel, to which I asked if I could come to it, and she said "That kinda defeats the purpose of me getting a hotel." "I'll sleep on the floor." she shakes her head no and says "I just want to take a shower and watch some TV." She asked if I wanted to go car shopping with her tomorrow, and we arranged that. Then I gave her a hug and another kiss on the forehead and we said our goodnights.

Yes, long and wordy, but you have no idea how long it feels like I have been waiting for her to get back. Today was the first time I saw her, and it went no where even close to how I suspected it. There were some good moments, and towards the end of the night she was more open to conversation with me.

Taking your advice Jim I asked a mutual friend if he and his wife wanted to hang out, and he and I are chatting right now.

Good Job Woot!!!

It sounds like your first date went REALLY well.

Great job on your first day of your in person Plan A!

Just keep doing what your doing and let her set the pace for restoring your relationship.

Every day you spend with her deposits more love units in her love bank and gives you an even better chance.

Remember to "tend to agree" on just about everything right now and do not argue with her about anything right now. Just keep making those deposits.

Really like that you are trying to reestablish your mutual friends into your relationship. The more people on your side trying to help her see that you ARE different and that she should give it another go the better.

Remember that this is going to take a while and don't try to rush your recovery!

Good job buddy!!!

Jim

Thanks

We just had lunch with a mutual friend of ours, which went really well. His daughter is really cute and provided ample entertainment. When she arrived to pick me up I was out, so she let herself into the house. Thankfully it was clean, and I had taken the flowers her unit gave her and put them into a vase with water. So she saw that. I arrived with some tea from Starbucks for her, she said she didn't want it so I just smiled and set it down.

Right now we are headed to shop for a car. No negative experiences so far today.