Ummmmm.......?

What does that mean??

Maybe I will wait until I see my IC in a couple of days before I do or say anything. I can't let it go on and I also know she will be at home-probably on the computer but I want to make sure I am handling this correctly as my goal is to eventually have my wife back and have her committed to a good marriage.

*****, sorry about the confusion in my last post, I had problems with my computer.

I see that you answered some of the questions that I was asking in my earlier post, while I was posting that one. Sorry about that.

You are going to need to calm down and make a PLAN. You shouldn't go around reacting to the things that are going on, now is the time to ACT.

First thing you are going to need to do is snoop and find out who this OM is. You also will need to find out what is going on with their affair.

Next, you are going to stop talking about separation. If your wife brings it up, you will tell her that you have decided that it isn't a good idea for your marriage and you won't be discussing it with her anymore. Of course, you can't MAKE her stay with you, but you can make sure that she doesn't get any help from you in destroying your marriage.

So breath, calm down and make a PLAN. Re-read SAA ASAP and get a plan in place on exposing this affair. Also, have you read the link on the carrot and stick of Plan A?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place. Many of us have saved our marriages using the concepts developed by Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. You might be able to save your marriage too if you have the ability to follow a plan. We have found that few counselors have the slightest idea how to save a marriage, though, and even less understanding of the dynamics of infidelity. They don't hold a candle to Dr Harley and often cause more harm than good.

The reason your wife wants to "separate" is so she can carry on her affair. She is in love with the OM and is hoping to replace you with him. We can help you turn this around and save your marriage if you kill the affair. Once the affair is killed, you will have a chance to save your marriage.

But first, you must quietly find out who the OM is. If you will find out who he is and his marital status and come back here, we can help you with next steps. Are you up for this?

One more question. Are you an alcoholic?

To answer your question. No I am not an alcoholic. Many on her side of the family are. To make things better I did tell her I would like to have a life with out alochol if that makes her feel better. I t really doesn't matter to me. For the last three years or so we would go out with our friends and have dinner and cocktails together. Somes times she would be the DD orther times I would be the DD. I spoke with her last night and asked her the name of the OM. She would not tell me. I told her I have an idea and will continue to investigat. She said the OM is not married-We'll see!

I talked to my wife last night. She will be moving out this weekend. She knows how I feel about it. We had talked to the two oldest children already. I was making supper at home last night and my wife comes home from work and immediately takes over. Ticked me off so I just left and went to the Gym. Came back a few hours later and found out my wife talked to our 12yr old. She told what she had told her and I think she did a good job. After we both talked with our daughter. During that my wife told her that we still love each other but are having problems and need to seperate to work them out. My Daughter aske d if we were getting D and my wife told her no.

I tried to get the OM'S name from her last night but she won't give it up. I said I will find out who it is. She also says he is not married- I'll find that out also. She will be moving out this weekend. I am going to start reading SAA tonight.

I would not allow your wife to lie to your children about the reasons she is leaving. She is leaving to pursue her affair with an OM and your daughters should be told this TODAY. By you. ALONE. Don't help your wife whitewash her crimes against your family. Giving your kids false explanations for the crisis in your family just teaches them dishonesty. Tell them all about your wife's affair and encourage them to ask her questions.

Find out WHO the OM is asap!

Additionally, I would not allow her to take any furniture, any children, and most especially any family money. Hide your money NOW before she plunders it. How will she be paying for her pad? Does she have a job?

Just want all to know. I did not get the OM's name from her but she did open up her email to me while I was with her and she shoed me her in box. I'm sure she was not expecting to do this as she was quite suprised when I pushed this issue. Some of the emails were nothing. but one was to one of her best friends that I know very well also. I-we opened it and basically My wife told her we are seperating and that she had an affair. That the affair was over and then talked about her guilt and how she needs space to breath. The reply back as something like "WOW" I can't hardly believe that. Stay strong and call me. The rest of the emails were just garbage. She did tell me that there will be NC with OM either via internet, text, phone or in person. I have told our close friends and the two oldest children about the affair!

That is a lie. She is moving out to be with him and he is probably married.


ALL of your children need to know the full truth. She should not be allowed to lie to your children. They have a right to know what she is doing to their family.

I would find out today if this guy is married. Either look up his marital status on intelius or facebook. Can you find him on facebook? I would call his house and disguise your # using *67 and see if a woman is on the answering machine.

If he has a facebook page, copy and paste all of his friends into a WORD doc right now for safekeeping.

you need to separate to work out your problems??? WW is flat out lying to your daughter. You have to set this straight. Your daughter is entitled to the truth as it impacts her life tremendously.

My daughter is 12 and is very upset that WW is leaving. I really do not want to drag her into this. My two oldest are very upset with her and WW is extremely pissed I told them. Wait till she finds out that her sisters and our close friend( the one we hang with) know about it also! Seperating with LC seems to be the best I can do for the moment only because of the kids. I told her that if she goes she will basically be on her own. No help from me.

All right I have searched her facebook and her friends looking for this Brad(OM). No name comes up in any of them. I have searched the White pages and come up with three possibles(looking at ages and location) We do not live in a big town so if she were to go out anywhere I would probably find out. I plan on doing some investigating to see if it is one of the three. If I find which one I will call the home and expose this to who ever I can. I do not know how to search her yahoo account. Do I just demand fron WW her account info!

Your wife is the one dragging your daughter into this. Kids are more intuitive than you think. Better to tell her so she can understand what she's feeling and focus properly, than not to tell her and leave her struggling.

She has been dragged into this already. And she has been LIED TO in order to whitewash your wife's wrongdoing. She is leaving to pursue an affair and has every right to know. It is not right to lie to her about the source of the breakup, kabaa. She should be told the truth.


So what if she is pissed? Everyone should be told about her affair. The more people who know the better. Everyone should be talking to her about her reckless behavior.


No, It is not the best you can do. It will make it harder to recover your marriage. The best you can do is this:

1. find out who the OM is

2. expose the affair to everyone

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so getting it out in the open will be ruinous. Helping her hide her secret from others is ENABLING.

Can you break into her yahoo account? [using lost password] IF not, can you get on the computer to install a keylogger?

I'll try the lost password. Not sure what a key logger is?

I don't believe the real reason she is leaving is because of the EA. We had problems before the EA and I thought I was addressing them or we were but we just grew further apart and stopped communicating. I know I was not meeting her emotional needs. We talked about it before. She also had said that she was done trying and was giving up. This was about three or four years ago. Thats when I started to try and change and she was the one pulling away. Maybe I'm in denial but I'm not going down with out a fight!!