I am new to this kind of thing. Let me tell you about my situation. My wife and I have been married for 13 almost 14yrs. We have two children from her previous marriage and one of our own. Their ages are 23, 18 and 12. I love them very much. During our marriage I had went out with friends and sometimes stayed out late 1:00pm. My wife did know where i was at most of the time. During this time we would fight about drinking and that I should be home more. I never cheated on her once. I realize now how much I hurt her. Well back in 2007 I had a DWI. Crushed me and her emotionally. Since then I had slowed my drinking way down. I would go out but only with her. I had tried to change my ways and tried to be a better Husband because I love my wife very much. Things weren't great at home but not terrible or so I thought. January of 2010 I found out my wife was having an affair for the last 6 months. She said she was unhappy and wanted to seperate. I panicked and thought we need to fix this. I wanted to see a marriage counselor and do some individual counseling.

I guess somehow I forced her into counseling and she never did give it a chance. She said she had givin up on us and she had no more to give. She did say she would have no contact with the OM. Now a year later when I thought some things had changed for the better I found out that she had contact with the OM via email. Only once that I could see. Some of the things I read that he sent her just killed me to read. Any how she says she is terribly unhappy and wants a seperation. She is very cold and distant when I try to talk to her. I gave her two chances to just say she wanted to go right to divorce but she said she didn't want that. She wants space to sort out her feelings and see if she wants to make a go of it. I said I would go along with the seperation if her intentions were to work on herself and eventually our marriage. I am doing this because I truly want her to be happy again. She cannot forgive me for the things in the past which imentioned above. I take full responsibility for her feeeling neglected and not loved by me. For the last 3 to 4 yrs I have tried to be a better husband but the wall is up and no love units can be deposited only withdrawn. I have read Her needs/his needs and how to survive an affair. I asked my wife to read them but after about 25 pages she did not like what she was reading. How do I show I am supportive on her behalf without looking to her like I want to throw it all away. I love my wife, children and my family life more than anything. I continue to work on myself. Is there any hope of winning her love back? How do I communicate with her now. It is still one month before she moves out of our house?? Thanks

You can start by doing what you can to break up her A. Read the notes about "Exposure" here.

BTW, "separation to sort out feelings" usually means "separation so I can continue my A without impediment".

Welcome. Sorry you had to find us, but you're in the right place for help. Plenty of us have been where you are.

Questions, please. We can help better if we know a little more:
How does she know OM? You say she was involved in an A with him from June of 2009 to about January of 2010? I know you found an email recently, but I suspect their A never stopped. They just hid it from you better.

Is OM married?

Where is she supposed to be moving in a month? And who's money is she using to finance that move?

You are keeping the 12 yo in his family home with you when she moves out, correct? Don't allow your child to go with her.

On January 7th 2010 I fell asleep with the young one. I woke up at 4:30am and she was not home. I finally got in touch with her at around 8am when she had to be at work. About a week later after our first counceling session she did not come home again. Well she finally did come home and She asked me to leave. I said no there is the door if you fel you must go. She did not leave. When I found out she had contacted the OM it was because I found her Ipod and her mail box was open. From what i read it sounds as tho he found her on yahoo and said how he missed her. She said it hurts when she thinks of him but it was a good memory.
She will be moving to an apt. close to our home. The 12yr old will stay equally with both of us. The 18yr old girl will stay with her also. I really do think she stopped contact with him and she agreed that no dating either in person, via email, text is allowed during the seperation. I have been trying to find out who the OM is exactly. I have an idea but I do not know how they know each other. Any advice?

I hear ya loud and clear. I'm not exactly sure who the OM is. I do believe that she is atleast trying to have no contact. From what I read on her I pod it was the OM that found her on yahoo and made contact. I know she is not glued to her phone as she was during the affair. I don't know what to do?

You are dreaming in technicolor. I suggest you wake up, and quickly.

Thanks Maninmotion! I did let her know that if i know of any contact it is a deal breaker. I can handle alot of things but cheat on me once shame on you, cheat on me twice and it's over!

Were either of you married when you met?

Have either of you been married before?

She was close to divorce from her 1st husband. They were married for maybe a year. I knew them both very well and had been friends with both for a long time. I have never been married before.

Why did they get a divorce?

How does she have an 18 yo and a 23 yo from a first marriage that last a year?

He was always a piece of crap. He never worked much, cheated on her more than a few times. It was her boy friend from highschool. Even the kids do not have much contact with him. He never paid child support and I never asked or expected him to. I married into the whole family and believe I have supported them well emotionally and physically. My wife and I both work and are successful at our jobs. We will be slpitting up our finances soon and she feels she can support herself without money from me. She knows that i will never let our kids go with out and that I want them to be in a decent place when they are with her. She makes it seem as she just wants time. I'm not sure how much she needs but I expect that in 3 months we should beable to discuss where we are at and if it is over six months we are probably heading for divorce.

The oldest was 5 and her youngest was 1 when we started dating. She had her oldest when they were not married. She married him when she was pregnant with the second

Sorry all, my lunch break is over and lots to do. I will check back later tonight. Thank you everyone!!

3 months will be plenty of time.......for your marriage to be OVER.

You say that you have read HNHN and SAA. When was the last time that you read them? Are you ready to implement what you have read?

So OM "found" your WW on yahoo, how did they meet initially?

Are you ready to go through some most difficult times? You don't NEED to do anything, but are you willing to enforce your boundaries. Do you really mean it when you say that you will not let your WW cheat on you twice, because I am sorry to tell you that she already is(as long as you thought that it was over the first time).

We need more information to be able to help you better.

But, she's moving out. What does that tell you?

Yep. Good question. You don't just 'find' someone on yahoo. He found someone he 'knew' on yahoo, maybe.

I suspect if you do some minor snooping you will find out OM's identity in short order. And I suspect he's married.

She said she was ready to leave even before the affair. Probably another lie. Well the sooner she moves out the better. I think there will be some hard questions for her tonight. Don't get me wrong-I can't change her but I can control how I act. Truth hurts but sometimes I guess you need to suck it up. You make a good point maritalbliss. Thanks

The internet is a good thing when it comes to snooping. I think I know his name and where he lives. Just need to confirm that. She won't tell me that.

It has been awhile. I need to get them back out and see where to start. How they met initially was at a bar out at the lake when she was out with her girl friends. I'll see what kind of strength I have!!