What time did she go to the spa? When did she get home? The next time she goes to the "spa" you go to every spa you can

She left a few hours ago. She is going to be there supposedly for a few days.

I'm debating continuing plan A. I feel so much that I need to continue plan A because I havent shown her that things can be different. I mean she just got back 4 days ago.

But this isn't cool.

Sorry Woot but no spa is open 24/7. She must be staying at the OM's house or staying somewhere else to continue an affair. So where is she staying?

You put a truck into her name.. She could be clear across state lines by now. You should call and ask where she is at just in case their is an emergency and go there to verify.

I did call and ask, didn't go well.

While I agree with LoveCAG that she's probably staying with OM, there are a few spas that have overnight lodging. They are usually very expensive. There are also LOTS of upscale hotels that have attached spas.

Let's not beat around the bush here - it's quite obvious that the WW here has likely made previous arrangements with an OM to enjoy a few days at a hotel and spa together, and she was not prepared to give it up.

What Woot needs to decide now is what he's going to do in the face of such blatant adultery and abuse on his WW's part. She has clearly checked out of the M and is treating him like a "friend", and not even a good one at that. Now is not the time to roll out the doormat and patiently await WW's return. IMO now is the time to demonstrate that such blatant abuse has its consequences.

Woot, one thing you could do is to start researching for hotels with nearby spas (or spas with overnight lodging) in the area and start cold-calling them, asking to put you through to your WW's room. That will only work of course if she registered in her name, which she likely didn't.

A GPS would have come in real handy now, but alas, hindsight is always 20/20 vision!

Alright, so if I do decide that abuse has its consequences, what can I do?

What are my options?

The house is in both our names. So I don't think I can legally say "You aren't allowed back in this house."

Don't you ever get angry Woot? Loose your temper? Or do you rely on other people to handle your emotions? It's time for you to take over this situation for your own sake. Right now your marriage is a sham, you can't fix it by yourself, so make yourself right. Turn yourself into an individual you'd be proud to know. To hell with her, you're your own man, act like it!

Actually no, I don't get angry. Only at myself.
Literally. An example: playing hockey I got punched in the face once, I smiled at the kid as he got taken away to the penalty box. What would hitting him back help?

That's probably what helped lead to this situation.
Nice guys finish last.

No Woot...

That is not true.

But, in a flawed world with flawed people we DO teach people how to treat us by what we will and will not accept.

The major point that I would like you to remember RIGHT NOW is that REGARDLESS of how this turns out with your WW you WILL have the tools to have a GREAT MARRIAGE either with your current wife or a person that is ready to actually participate in a REAL marriage with you.

As far as what is going on right now with her about the only thing you can do is wait for her to come home and IMMEDIATELY install the GPS and VAR in her truck.

IF you are still wanting to Plan A you will then have the ability to KNOW what you are up against.

I would let her know in a matter of fact way that you were deeply hurt by her leaving "for the spa" and that you will NOT share her with anyone.

I would probably start looking for an intermediary for a Plan B if you are unable to continue with your Plan A.

I am so sorry you are going through this alone. Would the pastor at your church meet with you, not for marital advice, but as a friend to talk with?

Jim

I have only been at this church 3 times, so I don't have a connection with the pastor or anyone in it.

I went to base legal today to see about legally seperating. They said come back tomorrow. :\

I feel like I failed Plan A completely. Maybe 3 days of it? That is my only hesitation in thinking Plan B. I'm no where even close to the date I set, yet things are moving along much faster and she is hurting me pretty badly with this Spa thing.

The combination is stacking up, the airport, the hanging out with her friends and I can't come, and now the Spa. All within a week of her return. She knows I took leave for two weeks, and is making me spend a week of that alone?

Its hurting. Bad. Yet I feel like Plan B will fail if there was never a Plan A.

Not all marriages should/or will be saved woot. She doesn't really consider you a friend since she is not spending this time with you. Most affairs happen with people (from what I read here) with more than several years of marriage under the belt and several kids. They have strong marital history with each other before the aliens abducted their spouses' brains. From what I've read of your thread your marriage wasn't great at the very beginning. I don't think she knows what a different you would look like but the good news is she has kept talking to you and hasn't filed for divorce yet. There have been times where she has "emotionally" connected with you but only briefly.

The thing is you must do something drastic to keep her from leaving on these trips again. Is she still committed to the military or is she discharged? You could always unplug something in that new fancy truck to keep her grounded at your place. You can then implement a great Plan A if she can't go anywhere. If you can keep her local you might be able to do some intel on the enemy. You can upload keyloggers on the computers and cellphones. You can put VARS in the truck and in your house. You can install the GPS in the vehicles.

Plan A will not work if she is basically living a lifestyle away from your house. That keeps you from trying to fill her lovebank or making conflict in her mind of you and the OM. If she is spending WAAAAY more time with OM she may just be completely in love with him and she hates you completely she'll file for divorce and go to the other man. She is doing this already but without the legal commitments.

I think your game plan right now should be:

1. Get her to stay at the marital home.
2. Install your intel gathering equipment/software.
3. Plan A

If this isn't going to work than you need to do plan B and hope she gets hurt emotionally or train wrecked by the other men in the process to where she'll want to be home with you again... but you'll will have to set the bar. You don't want a WW with affair still in tow moving back in.. It needs to be NC with all men period before that happens, obviously.

Woot

First off - thanks for your service to our Country! As prior military myself, I know the hardships and just what sacrifices you make for others.

If you're on leave now and she's not there - come off leave early. Don't even tell her. At least you'll stay busy on the job and not be thinking about this every second of the day.

I wish you well - you've been dealt a bad bad hand - listen to those here and listen to your heart and gut. It might hurt now but you will recover and be better if the marriage cannot be saved.

God bless and don't give up on yourself!

Woot,

If you are the least bit interested in recovering your marriage DO NOT FILE FOR SEPARATION!!!

That would be falling right into your cake eating WW hands!!!

To be able to carry on her affair AND be able to do it openly because she is "separated" would be her fondest dream!!!

You need to know that Plan A is ineffective until you kill the affair she is having.

Remember I told you to ACT not REACT which is what you just did with the "separation" thing.

Get the VAR's and the GPS in place as soon as she arrives home.

If you want to continue your Plan A then do so which will become effective once you have discovered enough intel to expose and kill the affair.

Run stuff by the folks here before you decide to try something on your own...

The people here have been through it and can help you see things you might not yet be aware of.

Stay busy until she gets home with friends and get ready to gather intel...

You've got some work to do when she gets back.

Start planning.

Jim

Its now late Wednesday night and I haven't heard from her, nor has her Mom.

I've spent the last few days really trying to decide if I want to continue or not. I arrived at the conclusion that if I had the ability to, I would win her back. But I don't think its capable of happening. Today, my own mother said that she doesn't think I'll be able to save the marriage, because my wife isn't putting ANY effort into it. Quite the opposite, she is setting up barriers.

Here is a quick run down on where we stand:
99% of her stuff is out of the house. I doubt she is going to stay here.
She is "at a spa" and I haven't heard from her since Sunday night, when I called her and asked "Where are you?" and also said "I think you're with someone right now." (Yes, a lovebuster and without proof probably the worst thing I could have done.) She got pretty angry and hung up.
She gave me the wrong time at the airport, and left with her co-workers before I arrived at the terminal.
She stayed in a hotel her first night here.
Two days after she got here, she "went out with her co-workers" and spent the whole day with them.
We spent two and a half full days together since she returned. Our time together was nice.

The barriers I see:
No communication. I have no idea where she is, and she isn't talking to me or her mother.
I have no help. 0. Should I get proof of an affair, the only person I could "expose" it to that would actually care is her Mom. Her military unit doesn't care. Our mutual friend here, does not want to get involved, and today said that he thinks it can't be saved. To quote him "She seems distanced."
I haven't asked, but I HIGHLY doubt she will attend a counselor with me. She seems to have entirely checked out of the marriage.
She has said in the past, that she just doesn't want to work on it and just wants to end it. I haven't asked her since her return. I've avoided relationship talks.

So, I really don't feel like I stand a chance. Everyone here I talk to, thinks I should just end it to save myself from getting hurt more. (Yes, it speaks about in the book to be cautious of well meaning advice, because they just want MY pain to end. Noted) Everyone says "If she's made up her mind, there's nothing you can do." And I'm starting to feel like there is nothing I can do.

How do I know that I even stand a chance?

(Ohh, and I have been looking in GPS and VAR's. They have even crept their way into my dreams. I had a dream I was shopping for VAR's at best buy. Lol)

I have been searching for this thread for 2 days now. Can I get a title or a username?

It seems to me she is quite capable of flourishing without you. She hasnt even called to check up on you? Why dont you file for divorce? This is called abandonment of the highest order. I knew she was goinf to do this, run away with the truck. She doesnt want to save it. I would go dark plan b with filing for divorce. You have to move on bro. It will be easier with no children.

Are you paying any of her bills right now?

Does she have access to your money?

If so, cut that funding of this martial abandonment!

She gave you the wrong time purposedly to evade you at the airport is really sad especially when she just got back.... Very very sad probably just as cruel as an affair its self. I would file for divorce.

My opinion

I'm with the others who suggest that you should walk away from this.

Listen - you've been married for 4 years, a good portion of which your WW has apparently spent cheating on you, and there are no kids involved. She's checked out emotionally and physically from your M, and shows no sign of wanting to check back in. Quite the opposite, in fact.

This is not just about what you think of her, this is also about what she thinks of you, and apparently it's not a lot!

My suggestion: Time to walk away from this. Plan D, followed by a permanent Plan B. This person needs to become a non-person in your life.

Hello Woot,

You were dealt a horrible hand to begin with and you have done everything you could possibly do to try and recover your M with an emotionally and physically detached WW...

and now it's come down to show your cards.

She doesn't want to play by the rules so I think that it's probably time to end the game she started because...

it doesn't matter WHAT you do...

she is going to keep changing the rules to suit whatever she wants to do.

I would talk to your attorney and follow his advice as far as finances go specifically asking him if there are advantages to you filing FIRST.

As far as your WW I would probably write a last ditch Plan B letter AFTER making sure your finances are secure and have it delivered to her outlining the ONLY conditions you would stay in the M would be total no contact with the OM's, becoming completely transparent AND getting counseling (from the Harley's but don't tell her that yet) and then go COMPLETELY DARK in Plan B realizing that it probably will not be successful.

Make sure that IF you do the Plan B route that you have an intermediary set up FIRST as you can no longer talk to her at all after your Plan B letter.

I know I've told you this before but you really CAN be proud of the way you have tried to handle this and REGARDLESS of how this turns out you will be capable of being a GREAT H in a marriage with someone who truly wants to be in love in a great marriage.

God bless.

Jim