Went on a day long motorcycle ride today. We just got back, and are exhausted. After riding a bike for that long, your back tends to hurt so I gave my wife a back rub for about 15 minutes to help her back feel better. Than gave her a hug and said "I love you, goodnight."

Awesome, an idea buy her about 5 dozen roses.. Some good plan A stuff...

Why would she suspect you of sabotaging truck? You could loosen thr timing belt so it snaps and pay for it to get towed to house, act like you will save to get it fixed.

Crack the spark plugs instead of just taking out lol.

Or say I highly suggest you stay here and work on our marriage or take me with you. It bothers me when my own wife won't include me.

say what do you think we can do about this?

I talked to my Mom today for an hour, and she said flat out "James, you're being used."

My wife isn't willing to go see a counselor.
She is still preparing to leave at the end of the month. She is fine with me paying for this trackday, and dinner, and the bills.

I told her "I would like it if you stayed until at least August, and give us a chance." her reply was "Yea, thats not gonna happen."

I think your mum is right. IMO your WW is acting like a single woman who's quite willing to have "chivalrous" guys pay her way for her.

Woot,

She is a wayward wife... She isn't in tune with your feelings. She is not a former wayward wife. Is your Mom calling her up anyway? Your Mom, Dad, and family needs to turn up the heat on her... Is she getting any exposure heat at all? Seriously, its like she is getting off scot free from your family or is there communication behind the scenes here?

How about you talk to your Momma and hand the phone to her? Or better yet why don't you fly your Momma out where you are.

Eric

My Mom has been writing her letters the whole time.
My wife even mentioned my Mom today, stating "I don't hate your Mom. She's just very opinionated."

Her own mother, runs and hides from confrontation and won't stick up for the marriage. Although I think my wife had a long talk with her mother today, and afterwords she seemed nicer to me. We even went out to dinner with our neighbors and she had a great time. I was expecting her to cancel that because unfortunately we got into an argument about her leaving and not giving the marriage a chance.

Yes, I know, wrong thing to do. I got off the phone with my Mom, and was all fired up. I do HATE that I feel like I'm trying, she isn't seeing anything, and still seems full steam ahead with leaving. States that I'm not doing anything, and if I point out something I have done it's "See, you do things and then run around saying 'Look what I've done, see how great I am?'" Which I defended saying "I only said that I did that, because you said you haven't seen me doing anything and I felt the need to defend myself"

She states that she hates me going out and having fun with friends. Then said that the past week we spent together, she would have enjoyed moreso without me because it felt like I was guilt tripping her the whole time. And that they weren't special because they would have been things that I would have gone out and done anyway, with or without her.

I really feel like I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't. If I ask her "are you enjoying this?" I'm guilt tripping her. If I don't ask her, then I'm just doing what I want and not thinking of her.

I asked her about meeting her needs, and she said that she felt like that was making demands and she didn't want to. "That's not the way a marriage should be run. It shouldn't be 'Do this if you love me.'" I tried to explain that it's not a demand, its a request. She replied back sarcastically "Alright, well I have a need. Pay off my car if you love me. See, that's not the way a marriage should work."

I think fear has gripped me too much in the past few days. Which in hindsight is bad, I know. I've talked too much about us, and I've ended up pleading a few times. All bad. Yet I feel that if I sit back and say nothing about her leaving or wanting to file, that its not good either. So I've asked her to not leave, to give our marriage a chance, and to let me meet some of her needs. None of this she seemed receptive to. She entertained the idea in her mind for a while, I saw that happening. But the next day it was cold, standoffish, "yea, not gonna happen."

I'm losing this war, and I feel like I am completely to blame because I keep making mistakes.

James, listen to your momma. (I love that name. One of my kids has that name)

Honey, stop saying that you love her. Stop begging her to stay. You are supposed to be in Plan A and those actions do NOT represent either the carrot or the stick of Plan A. Go back and re-read this thread.

Your job right now is to be the strong, attractive dude that you are. Make it look like it would be FUN and GOOD to remain married to you. Don't do anything that supports her affair or makes it easy for her to leave.

BTW, it won't be the end of the world if this marriage ends in divorce. Do you really want to be in the same situation with two or three kids in the picture? Because unless she has a complete and total change of mind that's where you'll be in 10 years.

Alright, I've stopped with "I Love You" and "Please Stay."

Haven't said either, or even brought us up. She still appears to be full steam ahead with moving back to the east coast with her Mom.

We have our trackday coming up this weekend, which I am super excited about. I don't think it'll make a difference, but dammit it will be a good time! I can't wait to zoom around a track on my motorcycle.

Yesterday she went into Sacramento (about an hour north) to have a doctors appointment about her skin. I said "When you're done, I'd like to go hang out in Sac for a bit if you want. So gimmie a call." Sure enough, she called and asked if I still wanted to come up there. So I drove up there for lunch and then we went to a place I had been telling her about while she was gone, its a warehouse full of trampolines where you just go jump. It was fun but tiring, and we were both exhausted after jumping and playing dodgeball for a while. We came back home and I asked her if she wanted to help me work on the bikes (motorcycles) to prepare them for the track day. She agreed and we both got to work, and she had a few drinks and started to really loosen up and enjoy everything. It was a nice night, and then the neighbors got home and walked across the street and the neighbor asked my own wife if she would like to get their nails done together on Thurs.

I have been talking with my neighbor a lot, and told her that one of the reasons my wife wants to leave, is she has no friends here. No reasons in her mind to stay. So my neighbor has been completely gung-ho about helping me save my marriage and is trying to be a friend to her. So that cool I guess.

After we cleaned up we headed over to their house for a bit, but my wife started falling asleep, so we excused ourselves and headed back home. When we got home and were crawling into bed, I asked my wife if she would push on my back, and she said "You can come in." So I entered and laid on the floor, she pushed on it getting my spine to crackle like rice crispies. Then I asked if she wanted me to push on hers, she agreed and so I did. Then as she was laying on the floor I started to give her a backrub, she didn't object so I continued. After about 10 minutes, I gave her a kiss on the head, said "Goodnight, I had a really nice day today." and exited. I never had any intentions beyond just giving her a backrub. I hope she liked it.

I'm trying to Plan A as best I can. She is resisting as best she can, but occasionally lets me meet a need or two. Like doing stuff together. Like two nights ago, she agreed to dinner and a movie, and we had a nice time I thought.

Today, I mowed the lawn. Put some laundry in the wash, and did the dishes. I was cleaning up the garage, and about to give her car a wash when it started to sprinkle outside. I guess that'll have to wait. I'm talking to another couple she hasn't met, that asked me if I wanted to do dinner tonight. I'm debating it because I really want to, but we don't have the money to.

Woot,

Have you asked her if there is any problem with YOU moving back to the east coast WITH her?

If she allows you to move with her I think you may have a chance. If she refuses to allow you to live with her I think that she is just waiting for YOU to pull the trigger on the M or she will when the time is up.

She has grown out of love with you and is wanting to be around her friends and her mom.

From what you are saying she doesn't mind you being around but she really doesn't see any reason to stay with you either because she is not in love with you.

If she gives you TIME you may be able to do something about turning it around.

If she says no to you moving east with her I think you have her answer about the M.

And if she doesn't allow you to...

I think that she means it.

Jim

Well its been a while since I made a post.

We have been spending quite a bit of time together. Our trackday was AWESOME! OMG it was fun.

We camped the first night, and my wife paid to get a room the second night. She was cold. While we were in the room she took a shower, and then came out and laid on the bed next to me wearing just a towel (she normaly doens't do this). I didn't know if she was sending a message or not. Nothing happened. I went in and took my own shower. When I returned from it she was feeling sick.

Up until yesterday, we hadn't talked about our relationship for over a week. Yesterday I had gone in and talked to the JAG about legal stuff, when I came home from work we had been invited out to dinner with some friends and she was in-processing at her own base and said she didn't think she could make dinner. So I was headed out when she came up and I asked her "Hey, I was just gonna head to that dinner, but if you want to have dinner with me I'll skip that. You are my priority." She indicated that she wanted to have dinner together. I asked her "What are your plans for the next week?" she said she didn't know. I asked "Are you still full steam ahead with leaving?" "Yup." We talked about assets and division, and she pretty much doesn't care. She just wants to leave. I get the house/car/bikes/stuff she views as mine. I said that I don't want the cats. She just wants to abandon ship. I exited the conversation because I felt my emotions were taking over, but not before she asked me to help her put the truck cap back on her truck. I said "No, I don't want to help you. If you decide to stay, I'll do everything I can to support you. But I will not support you leaving." So I left the conversation to go cool down, so that I don't say something that I'd regret later.

It took her a while to come in, and when she did she went straight up stairs. I watched TV for about an hour, then started getting hungry so I went up and asked "Hey, where did you want to go eat?" she replied "I didn't think you would want to eat with me." I said "Well you're wrong about that, because here I am asking you about dinner. I don't hate you, I just think you're making a horrible decision." She brightened up a tiny bit and said "Well lets have pizza." So I played some drums while she changed out of her uniform and got ready, and then we both played with the cats for a bit. She took a video of me playing with them, laughing the entire time. Then we were off to the store for food and pizza. While at the store, she mentioned that the pictures from our trackday were up on the website (a professional photography company took picutres of all the riders) and she had ordered a CD for the entire weekend for both of us. ($60 a CD, so $120 total) It kinda surprised me, and I thanked her.

Today, I called and asked the JAG when could we setup a time to start signing stuff. Yes, not what I want...
He said Monday, and hopefully we can have everything signed and on its way by Friday. I informed my wife of this, and she seemed dissapointed. She had wanted to leave this week, for her road trip and then to move back east.

So as it stands right now, I have an appointment to start signing divorce papers, she isn't contesting anything.

I haven't asked her if I could move to the east coast with her yet, I just haven't found the right time.

OHH, and she has moved back into our bedroom. Supposidly the other room was making her cough, so I said she was welcome in our bed. All her stuff is still in the other room, except she sleeps in our bed now. Seperate blankets and no contact, but still there. I've made sure the house has been spotless, and I cleaned the hell outa the bedroom. I'm trying to make it as warm and inviting as I can.

My questions: What else should I be doing?

Is me not helping her with her truck cap correct stick application? Because it feels like I'm being mean, and petty. She asked again today, saying "I just wanted it on there so I can get locks on it."

Woot,

You might try a little different tactic in talking with your WW about her wanting to move back near her mom and friends...

Instead of asking her if she is still full steam ahead with moving back east (which she will say she is regardless of how she really feels because she feels she needs to back up what she has been saying) try giving her some room for a dignified retreat IF she has any doubts about being with you.

The things she has been doing reinforce what I have been saying to you...

She doesn't not want to be around YOU or she wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed...

She has fallen out of love with you and wants to be around her mom and friends.

If you can buy time to get her to FALL BACK IN LOVE you may have a chance to turn this around.

If you want to try and work on the M AND you are willing to move with her try working at portraying yourself as someone that wants to HELP meet her EN's of needing her mom and friends...

Get newspapers from that area regarding employment for YOU and let her see you looking, ask her if she has found a place for you TWO to live yet, etc.

Take the conflict over her wanting to move to be with her mom and friends out of your relationship.

IGNORE what she says about moving and pay attention to what she is DOING.

She is sleeping in your bed, stop making her wanting to be around her mom and friends the deciding point of whether you stay married or not...

IF you are willing to move with her let HER know that.

Jim

I asked her what she thought about me moving out to the east coast when my enlistment is up (this nov). If I did that I would just go to school full time.

Her reply was "but that's not what I want."

She doesn't have any friends where she is headed, her closest friend is 3 states away. She will just be living with her mom, and not knowing anyone else.

Where do I go from here? Seriously though, thanks for all the help this whole time Jim.

I can feel her becoming more comfortable around me. Last night when watching a movie she had no problem sharing a blanket and laying her legs across my lap.

Should I help her with the truck cap?

And another decision that I don't know what's best on: we've been invited by some friends to go camping this weekend. I asked my wife and she said she wasn't interested "it'll be cold." (it won't be, just an excuse) do I ask her again and if she says no go camping by myself? Or do I stay home twiddling my thumbs if she says no again.

Go camping with or without her.
Ask her to join you but go even if she passes on it.

I agree. Stop talking about her leaving. If/when she leaves, not talking about it will allow her to come back to you with less fuss if she decides she made an error in her life.

When she sleeps with you, snuggle with her if she allows it and if she doesn't don't make a big deal of it.

Be your best you. Not your best pleading or challenging you but your best man you. Who you would be anywhere, anytime with any scenario.

And the truck camper cap?

I'd let her fix it herself. She's a big girl.

Woot,

Did you mention a while back that she was going on a road trip THEN moving in with her mom?

Who is she going on the road trip with?

It really sets off ALL kinds of s that she is moving where she has NO friends beside her mom...

I kind of wonder if since she really didn't make much fuss about the OM being out of her life if he REALLY is out of her life...

Or a different OM.

It would explain why she is comfortable being around you now...

Yet a woman with a high sexual drive doesn't need her H who is right there in the same bed.

Even if he is not actually around her right now she may be in contact with him or be taking comfort in knowing they will be together when she moves out...

She may feel why not have you around for now...

companionship and help with the bills...

like your Mom mentioned.

Then insert the OM into your spot when she moves in with mom...

Of course after a dignified wait of a short time to give the illusion she didn't actually leave for someone else.

Which is the fantasy fog that most WW have.

If you go camping I would make SURE that I had a VAR where she is most likely to talk on the phone...

and one under the bed.

Jim

I would say that as an act in Plan A, you help her with the truck cap. Unless it is something to go along with an affair, I would do what I could during Plan A. You ARE trying to win her back. the problem is, you already told her that you weren't going to help her, so how would you do it now?

I saw the not helping her with the truck cap as your taker SCREAMING. You need to quiet the Taker during Plan A. During Plan B, that's when she will need to do things on her own. IMVHO.

Well,

I've been trying my absolute best to plan A.
The house has been kept clean, we've been spending time together, but it always seems kinda forced. She is on a moody rollercoaster, one hour she'll be happy and laughing (never like she used to when she was really happy) but at least a few laughs.

In the past week we've gone camping, skydiving, 2 motorcycle rides, a motorcycle event, walking around San Francisco, and random stuff like that.

We also started the paperwork to get divorced. I think Monday or Tuesday will be the official papers to sign to get it headed off towards court.

I did help her with her camper.

She made contact with the guy from her first affair, and gave him some motorcycle gear. She got angry at me when I asked where it had gone asking "Why didn't you tell me you wanted that stuff?"

She shipped the cats off to her Mom's house back east.

I feel like Plan A is doing nothing, except getting me taken advatage of. She did mention the night before we went to start the paperwork "I feel like you are going to try and burn me, thats why you have been so nice lately." I said: "No, I'm not, you know I'm not the vengeful type. I'm being nice because thats who I am."

Honestly, its killing me knowing that she made contact with OM1. She really doesn't care about me, at all.

I'm saying all this, because I'm now CONSTANTLY fighting not blowing up. I mean, I haven't even been updating this as frequently. Depression is coming back.

Am I ready for Plan B? I'm looking at letters right now. I've got a friend who is willing to be the middle man. Her original plan was to leave on Monday, but the paperwork is going to take longer than that. She asked if she could remain in the house past Monday (we agreed she'd be out by then). I said of course, but now I'm second guessing that.

Should I give her the Plan B letter tomorrow and tell her to find a place to go with all her stuff?

She seems so excited to go. She only perks up like she used to when some old friends call.

So Plan B?

I am not sure.
You say you are having trouble not blowing up. That is your Taker getting very strong and mad at the lack of your own needs being met.

If you go to plan B.....you will still feel depressed for quite a bit as you get used to no contact of any kind with her. It is just a sucky part of cutting off all forms of contact. You are used to some contact and it will be painful.

You could go to plan B, but if you do......send her off into it with continued 'kindness' so she recalls that if she ever gets to a point she can see clearly the mess she made. If you send her away say "Your continued lack of commitment to our marriage is really just too painful for me WW and I love you but I need you to leave. Today." Then when she is leaving, hand her the plan B letter and be prepared to have her try to possibly push contact with you or get nasty somehow. Try to stay the course. Do not blow the procedure and get weak due to sadness or cocky that you feel nothing and contact her.

Or...if you can eek out longer in plan A, you could wait til she leaves and try to enjoy the last days with her knowing she is not going to give you anything in return. No expectations of anything positive. Just Woot working on being great guy despite her lack of care.