Hey, NW, she was on the radio show and Dr Harley advised her to stay in Plan A for a couple of months based on her situation.

RRA, when I was listening to the segment (I didn't hear the entire thing) I was wondering if you were a forum member and then I saw this thread

I am sure that exposure has shamed the OW but if the A/contact hasn't ended (which it doesn't sound like it has) then, no, I don't think going there and *glaring* at her will really do too much. It will do more damage to you and your children than any benefit you get from watching her squirm, KWIM?

I know the sports thing stinks, I had to pull my daughter from basketball because my sister's H's OW was a coach and they would be crossing paths. You would think she would leave the school, etc, after all the trouble my sister and I made there for her but no...unfortunately, these POSOW have a lot of nerve...

Great!!

Good girl!!

Hi...no evidence on var. Will keep trying. Last night was a huge Love buster tho had a great dinner with kids and friends. Went to frozen yogurt and realized ow best friends were there. (formerly my friends and a couple that my husband still spends time with-real winners-not) WH proceeded to talk to them for a full 5 minutes. We paid for ice cream and left. I proceeded to tell him how disrespectful this was to our family. He shouted for me to stop talking about this in front of the kids, and I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer. The kids were confused why they weren't our friends and I told them. He screamed at me to shut up (not like him at all!) I was calm but damage was done. Today (Easter!) He skips church and tells our 11 year old daughter he is thinking of getting an apartment. She is devastated and 7 year old son is sad and confused. He does not say a word to me all day. I wish I would have kept my mouth shut. Too late, big LB. Sooo, what in general are rules for apt? Do kids visit? Stay overnight? THIS is their home, right? If he wants to see them great but overnights there? I'm thinking no way! That is his space for privacy, carry on affair, work on issues...whatever. what do I tell our kids? He said he wants more one on one time with them, thats why he wants space. I call BS on that. I have had a great plan A, until now. Sucky...any suggestions? BTW, Dr. Harley said he is probably still having an affair and keep with Plan A until August. (i was on radio show) thanks!

Actually, I listened to that program, and I remember him switching to saying that you should go plan B sooner once you said that he was not allowing you two to be physical. I think that once he heard that, he assumes that he's probably getting it elsewhere.....

I think the signs look bad as far as the affair continuing. I think if it moves out, its Plan B time.

but I am not expert, obviously...

Hi Mehr...true! Dr. Harley did say that, but off air we spoke how he will usually only have sex if his heart?feelings?emotions are all in a row. I wish he was more like the typical man....so I can win him back. Unfortunately I am kinda the male in our relationship. So far there is no evidence at all (yet!) Of any contact. The Var/email has been clean but I will keep trying. His struggle seems internal, he thinks we will never be happy again. Or he doesn't want to try and fall into out same old patterns. Or after his EA/PA?, only she can make him happy and he is pining away for her. Grrr. I have encouraged him to listen to HNHN on the ipod (itunes!) But no luck. I know the online program could save us, but he has no interest in trying to work on anything. Also Mehr, you are doing a great job on Plan B. I will need your help if/when I get to that point. The apartment may just be it.

RainRain, he is still in the affair. That is evidenced by the fact that he won't come home. Getting evidence is good, though, because that way you can bring his affair out into the open.

I would also suggest you start plan A like Dr Harley suggested. Lecturing your H and starting fights with him like you did, is NOT Plan A, it is Plan make-the-OW-look-good. Do you think the OW is lovebusting him? I would focus on ATTRACTING HIM back, instead of repelling him.

Thanks Mel. I wish I had kept my mouth SHUT. Plan A has been so helpful, getting along Soo well until then, now I feel we took 10 steps back! The only good thing is our daughter told him she will not go to his apt. If he gets one. She thought of this all on her own Good girl. Of course she may not have a choice He looks a hundred years old today...kids' tears and pleading for him to not go took a toll. I just watched it unfold and my heart broke but I gave him an Easter gift and let him know I care. This was a turning point for our family but I don't know which way he will go...

Also...he is terribly hurt by my EA, he can never picture us normal again. The whole community watches his every move after the big exposure. He feels trapped. Last night he sent in financial docs for our franchise out of state. (I snooped) This is a good sign as I can't imagine he would leave kids behind. Or afford it with a divorce...we shall see....praying.

Lovebusters do happen in Plan A ~ at least they did for me. Try not to dwell on it but it is important to have a strategy for when you are starting to feel your anger/frustration build. For me it was busying myself with the kids, a chore in the house or going for a ride, etc.

Also just some food for thought but if you are unable to control your lovebusters, it is a sign that you perhaps need to move into Plan B sooner than you had anticipated.

Thanks Susie, I feel better today. Finally got the whole story today and my heart is lighter. Yesterday, Easter, my daughter found an apartment brochure after he cleaned out his truck, he had it for more than a month. That is what sparked the awful conversation and my daughters tears. He didn't choose to tell her on Easter, it just happened and he is not sure what he will do, he was throwing the brochure away buuuut....Idk! He was too furious from the night before to go to church and tell me their conversation, and my poor sweet girl only told me half the story. That's what I get for jumping to conclusions...grr. I think after Friday I can control my LB's, that was one of only a couple in 3 months. So back to the drawing board I guess. Also, thank u vets for your help here!

So still no evidence on VAR. My daughter has access to his phone and has checked it and nothing there for more than 6 weeks. (after exposure she is super sensitive to him texting etc. I have never asked her to look, her curiosity has done the job for me.) Email clean too. Soo basically I think it has been approx.4-6 weeks since contact. Now, my theory and vets help me out...he is in withdrawal. Seems depressed, was volatile on Saturday. Says he can't work on relationship, has these walls that may never come down.

How do I break through these walls before its too late? He may get an apartment soon....

just keep being the best you can be, look good, smell good, be compassionate and understanding.........
the withdrawal state lasts a couple of months depending on the length of the affair........
Just keep checking, if he moves out his life won't be any better, with no contact, no plan.
Just keep telling him he is worth it the marriage is worth it......
Hang in there, this time frame is the hardest a lot of rejection, right now you have to be strong enough for both of you,
jessi

Never assume the affair is over, while looking for an apartment may be him looking for space I have know affair people to follow this same route , they may be purposefully keeping apart till the dust settles or have gone deep underground. You should assume they are working on a plan to be together and are bidding their time. The only way you can be certain is if he stays at home, you keep a very close eye on him and he actively works on the marriage or you polygraph him.

Unfortunately I have seen this tactic before. If he is to take a PC with can you load a keylogger that sends you the information across the web and have spyware on his phone.

Be cautiously optimistic that the affair is dead.

My first instinct is that yes that the apartment is to start his new life, much easier out of sight. However it is ME he doesn't trust (I had an EA of about 6months that would have been a PA if there was an opportunity) the OW is dating etc, she could never be his partner in this town, the exposure was far and deep and they are watched like hawks. I am really embarrased for him actually, cause I didn't realize the repercussions. It's for the best tho. If they are underground then genus hiding it well, I have VAR and access to computer. I will keep assuring him this marriage is worth it. These walls he has are sooooo high and solid I feel discouraged!

Will he spend any one on one time with you?

He is trying to avoid the one on one, he is willing to do lots of family stuff but he won't allow himself to get close to me.

Please help. he is in contact. var revealed it... now what

It is physical, meeting for sex all the time and totally underground...MELODY LANE WAS RIGHT! I even heard the I love you at the end. What the hell next? Plan B? Change locks? Attorney? Help! I want to make it work...my plan A was great, he knows what he is missing! Fully exposed to kids tonite and a dozen friends. Should I reopen my Facebook and put my status as jilted wife. Can Dr. Harley help? I was on the radio show and I didn't have all this info. Ughhhh!