I have a strong need to be home with my children. My husband lost his job 2 years ago when the recession hit. He has since been working a temporary job for over a year, but it will end at some point. During that time, at his request, I went back to work (2 part-time jobs) to help provide. I also homeschool the children who are still at home (6 of our 8). I am exhausted and I want to cut back on hours (already had chronic fatigue, this is not helping). The kids are showing some signs that they need me here more, but hubby doesn't seem to think that is true and is fearful about income. He is afraid that if I cut back, and if he doesn't get something permanent, we'll be in trouble financially (even though our savings is good right now).

We talked about this recently and he said that even when he gets a job, he would rather I keep working these hours. We need to save for retirement, etc.

If I quit one of my 2 part-time jobs unilaterally, that would be violating the Policy of Joint Agreement. But if I keep working at this pace, it fails to meet my emotional needs (big-time) and I resent his making me do this. I've tried alternatives like a home business, but was still worn out and didn't make enough $ that way to help much. How to approach this issue?

BTW, I am the one who feels our marriage needs work, husband did not think so until I got so unhappy that I talked about separation.

I know what Dr Harley would tell you both to do and that is for your husband to find a good enough job to support you so you can quit work. Even if it means going back to school and improving his skills. If he wants to save for retirement, he needs to get a better job. But asking you to work is ruining your marriage. Does he want that? Your resentment will grow greater as time goes on.

If I were you, I would write to Dr Harley and ask him to give you advice on his radio show. That way, you can play the radio clip for your husband. radio show

I should clarify that it wasn't all about my working that led to our problems, it was also that I felt he was always grumpy/impatient with me and the kids (he did seem to hear me on this and is relating much better to them) and also we had little to no quality alone time (we are actually doing better on this), and he golfs a LOT, which I resent (both the time and the money he spends on it while I'm here alone with the kids).

Now that is something that should have been POJA'd. [unlike your working 2 jobs which is not a matter of POJA] I would ask Dr Harley for his advice about how to get your H on board so you can quit work, but you should probably get the book His Needs, Her Needs along with the workbook and use the program in its entirety.

melody, since they have 8 kids, he'd have to make a lot of money. What if it's a case in which he's gotta go to medical school or something along those lines in order to make a good enough living to suppot his wife and kids. And if that were the case, the kids would be darn near out of the house by that time anyway.

I read TWO kids, kt. Where do you get 8? OP says a 6yo and 8yo.

She's homeschooling 6 of the 8 kids still at home.

my bad reading.

wow, eight! I'll go faint now...

Is NOT homeschooling an option you guys would consider? Other than that, I agree with Mel.

He golfs allot? HUH? So basically your working 2 jobs to have him pay country club / course fees? And he wants to save for retirement? Ok Not a big golfer here but I have played. Avg course fee 40.00 @ 2 x a week? 8 X a month. So 320.00 per month and 3840.00 per year and x 20 years = 76,800.00 plus interest you could have earned with a decent money market account add on another 25,000.00.
Not to mention Clubs (good sets are 1000.00) Shoes (100.00) that needs upgrading every other year or less. Lets throw another 20,000.00 out there on the pretty grass chasing a little white ball down a 3 inch hole in the ground.
Lifetime expense of that recreation is 1/8 of a million dollars roughly.
Not to mention he missed 5760 hours of UA and Family time. Ok we guys like to think with plans a rationality. This sounds like a terrible plan and I cant rationalize it.

I agree with CWMI, send them kiddos to school, lol. What are the ages of the kids at home?

It seems one of the problems with not POJAing the woman working is that this was done way before knowing about MBers. So make we have a family that is dependent on both parents working. So he either goes to school for another 4-6 year in which she'll have to work anyway or they both work because they can't afford to live on 1 salary.

I would think more wives/mothers would be staying home if families can afford it

This is why she needs to speak to Dr Harley. It is not as black and white as you make it. Lots of couples make this mistake and he helps them turn it around. Their marriage is already at the brink of divorce, so the solution is not to force her to continue to work, but to find a way so she can quit. It is not the easiest thing in the world, but it is certainly do-able. He has helped other couples do it. He doesn't have to go school for 4 to 6 years, he can go to school online and hold down a full time job. They can learn to budget better, etc. There are lots of ways this can be achieved.

Lots of families can afford it but many families desire such a high standard of living that it requires 2 salaries. And many women believe it is shameful to stay home and raise children. I was certainly raised with that delusional thinking. I am womyn, hear me roar and all that bull.

When he had his normal job (he's an engineer) we could afford my staying home. And I don't mind working one of the part-time jobs, it's actually good for me. And yes, we have 8 kids, and no, I wouldn't consider NOT homeschooling, that has been great for our family, we both agree on that, this is our 20th year of it!

I just think he doesn't see how his decisions affect me, and that's how we got to such a bad place.

Kids are:

daughter 24, just got married
daughter 20, lives nearby, in college
son 18, about to graduate from our school
daughter 15
son 12
daughter 10
daughter 8
son 5

So next year I'll have just the 5 in school, but it'll be a tougher year because little guy needs to learn to read, do math etc. It's more intense there for a couple of years. But again, I LOVE homeschooling!! My heart is here at home.

Oh, and also, I think part of the problem for hubby is that I'm a professional. I can make quite a bit of money when I work, so it's very tempting to him to fall back on that. I used to think my career would fulfill me, now, not so much. I'll love it, I'm sure, when the kids are raised.

FH, please send Dr Harley an email. Dr Harley has an engineer's mind and he will be able to lay it out very logically for your husband.

Could your DH homeschool and you work?

If you've been homeschooling for 20 years, you're a Homeschooling Family. (pardon me while I state the obvious ) The fact that you are working so many hours is damaging your family dynamic and your marriage. This is a lose/lose situation for you.

Priorities need to be looked at, here. Your H is playing that much golf? I'm a big golfer and even I see the need to trim this back. He is maintaining the cost of his personal recreation time at the expense of your happiness. He is also engaging in all of this recreation without you. That's a lot of time away from his wife.

I agree with everyone else - shoot an email to Dr. H.

I don't think that would meet her needs. It sounds like she is suffering from a lack of Financial Support.

FH, have you two filled out the questionnaires, read through the concepts? I agree about emailing the radio program, too, but I think you two could possibly get a good discussion between you about this under the structure of the questionnaires (linked at the top of the page). Where I think you're running into problems is that each of you has a need for FS (financial support). Unfortunately, you don't get to ignore his need for it and demand that he meet yours. That's not going to make for a happy marriage.

You'll need to find out where FS is for each of you in importance, and negotiate how to best meet each other's need in a way you're both enthusiastic about.

Here's some links for you:

Emotional Needs descriptions:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Emotional needs questionnaire:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

Love Busters descriptions:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Love busters questionnaire:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4502_lbq.html

Guidelines for negotiation:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html

We have tried him doing the homeschooling, it doesn't work. He's not a teacher. I have always tried to negotiate this and have worked off and on to help out. But right now I'm so tired and exhausted, I was sick almost all winter (went to work like that usually) and the kids are feeling like they are raising themselves. Dh is out of town M-F for the temp. job, so I have no help there.

DING!!!

There's your problem.

This needs to stop, pronto. Getting your H home daily is job #1 for your family. Golfing is NOTHING compared to this, although that needs a good tweaking, too.