I learned about 5 weeks ago my wife was having an EA with a coworker at her serving job. I had let a lot of life get in the way of building our marriage up so I'm sure it was easy for the OM to meet her EN. I found out it went physical (intercourse) once a few weeks ago but I know they have been kissing too. Then last Saturday night as well. WW has withdrawn quite a bit and has been in a separate bedroom since dday. I've done plenty of recon and know that text messaging is out of control. I can see the times and who the text is to/from but not the content. Counseling and NC have been asked for but she is unwilling.

Exposure happened yesterday but I don't think she knows the extent of it yet. I had first gone with a soft exposure plan with only telling a few that would speak truth into her life but she was able to adjust. Now I've exposed to her Grandma (the only one she will lie to about the events) and some marriage friendly coworkers. WW currently very angry at me and spewing fog-babble. On today's docket is to write a letter to the OM parents to maybe apply some pressure to the other side of the affair.

Details on the OM: 38, convicted abuser, lives in his parents basement with 2 yr old daughter. Works in parents restaurant and doesn't even have a car. My WW really affair'd down. He's ugly and balding too (unimportant but makes me feel better to type).

I'm in the middle of Plan A. Read both HNHN and SAA. I've been in counseling for 3 weeks to change the things I can control. Any other details I left out? I await your responses oh great MB posters.

Oh, WW is currently looking for an apartment so I may be in Plan B soon.

Welcome, JustWanting, and I'm sorry you have to be here under these circumstances.

Can you tell us a little more about your marriage? You've been married 2 years, yes? Do you have children?

I hate to say this, but you can pretty much bet the farm that they've had sex more than once. This is a physical affair.

It's weird but she tells me everything that happens if I ask. Granted I have no reason to believe her though. I pretty much figured it was happening frequently. 1 time or 100 times is pretty much the same, it still happened.

Our marriage...
I thought it was good but I've been busy with work, school, and a house remodeling project. I didn't realize how much effort and maintenance a marriage took until this. I'm committed though. Wife works 2 jobs so it doesn't leave much time for us. EN were lacking. No kids. We talked about starting a family as recently as a couple months ago. She is pretty much checked out at this point but I figure it is because she can't love 2 men at once. Is that enough info, what did I miss?

Edit: added a kids line to my sig

JW, sorry you find yourself in this position. A couple of suggestions. I would finish up all your exposures today. Expose to her parents, his parents, your parents, and any other key targets in your lives.

Exposure is not very effective when it is trickled out because it is easier to overcome a little trickle than a tsunami. That is like bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight, you just piss off the opponent enough to come after you harder, but not enough to kill the affair. Trickle exposure rarely kills the affair, but only results in enormous demoralization for the BS. Even so, I would get this done now. Maybe ending with a bang will have an effect.

I would also strongly suggest you consider cutting your losses and moving on. A wife who does this so early on in the marriage sounds very dangerous. Can you imagine dealing with this with 2 little kids and a mortgage? The nightmare would be increased 1000 fold.

She had the affair, not because EN were lacking, but because she has poor boundaries with men. She allows other men to meet her emotional needs and this is the result.

What about her parents? Her sibs? Your parents? Will your mother contact the OM's mother and raise a little hell?

She definitely has esteem and identity problems that I didn't realize were still an issue. She had gone to counseling for them in the past and I thought they were licked but obviously not. She was raised by her grandparents because her parents were just messed up kids when they had her. The destructive pattern seems to be continuing on.

Good idea on finishing the exposure today. Do I ask the ones I've talked to about it to talk to her soon or just wait for it to come out? That's what I don't understand about exposure. I'm exposing to others but are they supposed to expose to her that they know?

She has esteem problems because she behaves in un-esteemable ways. Her self esteem will rise once she begins to behave in ways she can esteem. And she knows her identity. She can look on her drivers license to find that out.


Yes, ask each and every one to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. You are hoping that someone can get through to her. If they won't do that, then you should tell her that you have told that person.

She isn't very close with her parents but is with her GPs so I went to them. Isn't close to her half-sibs either.

I'll see if my mom will raise a little hell. Heck, my parents might just visit the restaurant to talk to both parents at once.

That would be awesome! I would do exactly that if I were your mother.

This is the message you need to send to the OM:

I did confront OM once (last saturday) explaining that it's wrong what he's doing and that she's a married woman and that we can't work on our issues if he's in the picture. I didn't threaten him or anything though. He couldn't seem to get what I was saying though and just kept babbling on about how this has nothing to do with him. The dude is a dolt.

Absolutely. If they think you're telling them in confidence, disabuse them of that. Tell them that you are asking for their support of your marriage by going to your WW and convincing her to leave her nasty affair.

It has nothing to do with him?? That's a good one.

I would pay him another visit and let him know that you intend to make his life a hell as long as he continues to pursue your WW.

Another question I have. Text is about her only form of communication with me at the moment since she is on vacation with her cousin (who is also having an affair). Do I need to respond to every message she sends or do I ignore? I know that when I do respond it needs to be LB free.

For example: "I feel more confident about moving out so I'm going to start packing." and "You should start looking for a roommate and we will discuss financials."

So what is it about this woman that is so appealing that you want to save this marriage?

Seems like she comes from a shaky background, has self-esteem issues, and treats her vows like they are not worth the breath used to speak them. Not to mention she appears to follow the lead of a family member who is also in her own affair.

So tell me, why is it you want to save this marriage? What is it about her that is so appealing you are willing to go through this particular hell?

Same reason as everyone else, Love. It wasn't that long ago that we were madly in love. We really had a good thing going before all this. She's all I ever wanted in a wife... until now. At the same time she isn't acting in her normal rational way. The wife I know isn't there at the moment. It's this alien I've never seen before. Being just barely a month into this, it's hard for me to throw 4 years away.

I think she's trying to get a rise out of you. I wouldn't respond to this fog-babble.

I understand, I was were you were after 7 years of marriage and we actually had a child.

Get someone who will help you look at this objectively. To help you determine if it was a person you were in love with, or your own image of that person, or something else.

I'm not saying you were or you were not. I'm simply suggesting you make sure that what you loved was real person and not your own personal fantasy, or a persona she presented that wasn't real.

This is too important not to verify that your assumptions are valid before investing further into the relationship.

Yeah, that's why I'm in counseling and in dialog with a few of her close friends. Many are equally shocked but feel this is outside of her character. She very well could be fooling us all. I'll know soon enough now that it's exposed. The way she's reacting Plan B will be coming sooner rather than later.

Justwanting, I can assure you all my WWs OMs shreak and jump when they hear my name. I was RELENTLESS. Blogs, Flyers aren't beyond me....Just say Kinko's

Here is some good advice. Go and read some of these long term M A's stories and ask yourself is this where I want to be with 2 kids, mortgage and debt and longevity. I agree 2 years in and a PA has already shown up you are possibly playing a game of chicken with an Inevitable Divorce.

Regardless of your final decision quit the trickle and go NUCLEAR EXPOSURE and smile when she's spewing anger at you for telling the truth to your friends , Family's and Co-workers. Knowing you just dealt a major battle victory in the WAR you just entered into.

If then it kills the A and she starts coming out of the fog decide your future based on Dr. H specific plans and her enthusiastic agreements to recovering from the A.