Thanks GloveOil! That link is very helpful! I will share it with my H.

I was wondering if you could answer my previous questions on my thread about reading SAA at this point in our recovery. We did not get the book in time to read it earlier. I'm concerned that at this point it could trigger thoughts of the A for my H and me. What do you think?

My H and I had a long talk last night about his thoughts about OW and he said that he is already doing the things referenced in the link you provided. He says that when he is triggered and OW pops into his head, he immediately thinks about me and how lucky and grateful he feels that I am still with him (he says he was already doing this before I brought up the link you provided).

I think this is the kind of thought pattern described in the link: By redirecting his thoughts to me, he is also redirecting his positive feelings to me. As a result, the positive feelings he previously felt towards OW are now redirected to me. Therefore, there is no need for me to worry about triggers any longer because the triggers now generate positive feelings towards me instead of OW.

Is that correct or am I misunderstanding the instructions in the link?

That's funny, I was about to post the same thread when I saw I was beat to it! It's one I've saved because it was so helpful to me in understanding it. In fact, it might not hurt to print it out and let husband read it so he can understand if he has a trigger exactly what is going on...so as to know what is NOT going on! (What is going on is being taken back to a time and place by something that reminds you of it...a sight/sound/smell perhaps, and it is NOT to be confused with WANTING that time/place/person back, it is just understanding how our brains work with our triggers/memories. Understanding what is going on in the brain helped me move BEYOND triggers and leaving the old life behind.
The best way to assure recovery is to meet each other's needs, spend ample UA time with each other, and following the guidelines, no lovebusters, etc.

Your assessment is right on and correct...not worrying about the triggers because he is transforming them to thoughts of you.

Thanks kaycstamper, that makes me feel less worried about triggers.

BTW, when reviewing my H's emails the other day I came across one stating that he registered for this Marriage Builders discussion forum. His user name is "2time2timer". It doesn't look like he's posted anything yet, but it looks like he's thinking about it. So, keep an eye out for him.

How is it going the last few days?

Things have been going pretty well. Thanks for asking!

My WH is doing everything right. I just worry that he or the OW will break NC. I have told my WH that if he breaks NC I am done with him and I am prepared to kick him out immediately and never see or speak to him ever again. Hopefully, knowing there will be no more chances will keep him from doing something stupid again. It has been almost four months since the last contact though, so I think he is now past withdrawal and on to recovery. How many waywards break NC once they are past withdrawal? Is that common?

I am also struggling with resentment. It seems the harder I try, the more resentment I feel. I think we need to move. There is just too much here that reminds me of what happened. We have been thinking about moving closer to our parents. That will take some time though and I have to figure out how to deal with the resentment in the meantime.

A lot break contact but not so many past w/d. The resentment is common too at this state, you just have to try and focus on the future you are building because if you focus on what happened it is counterproductive.

Thanks. I'm trying not to think about the A, but it's hard.

I had a bad day yesterday. WH had the day off and I was at work. I called him around lunch and he didn't answer his phone, so I freaked and thought he was meeting OW. He called me 20 minutes later and said he was at Sam's Club and didn't hear his phone when I called. When I got home, I did see that he bought something from Sam's, so I know that he was there and not meeting OW. It's just that the whole thing made me regress a bit in recovery. I don't know how to get past this constant feeling of fear.

I'm sorry, I know how that feels and triggers are to be expected. Try to hold off reacting until you've had a chance to hear what he has to say and then accept it and try to move forward. It IS hard and I don't think they have any idea how much damage they've done to us and it takes time for us to heal. In time you will begin to relax more but it will take a while.

We are doing really well. I am still keeping tabs on my H and there has been no contact with OW or secrets. My H is doing everything right...meeting needs, reading relationship books, going to counseling, implenting EP's, etc. He even booked a Disney vacation for our family. Also, we are both scheduled to get matching tattoos next Saturday.

When do I end "Plan A" and move on to a recovery plan? If we are ready to move on to a recovery plan, what is the difference between plan A and a recovery plan?

H and I just got tattoos last night. Both tattoos display our wedding date. Mine also has a rope tied in the shape of a heart and his has a rope in the shape of an infinity sign.

Hi Betrayed,

My situation is almost similar to yours. WH can't seem to stop friendly chats with other women online especially.

The boundary would be, since he has a history, to NOT chat with women at all. There is no need to. If they are friends, just keep it to a simply yes or no. I don't believe in men and women being friends anyway. Acquaintances, ok but it should be professional at best.

Plus, it is perfectly healthy to chat with just guy friends. And just keep it professional with women.

He can keep them as friends as facebook, but do not respond to any chats or comments. A simple "thank you" will do. Do not follow up with "How are things?" are anything that will prompt further conversation etc.

If he is lonely and needs to chat, there's you, his sister, his mother, female relatives and his other guy buddies to talk to. Skip the gal pals.

Thanks for the suggestions Angel!

My H and I have discussed boundaries extensively. He is not allowed any women friends and he is supposed to keep all conversations with women at a minimum. He has agreed that this is best. He really wants to protect me as well as himself from more pain. I can see that he is working hard to keep these boundaries in place. He does slip occasionally. He has told me about those slips and we have discussed ways to avoid similar mistakes in the future. It will probably take a long time for this to become a habit, but I will keep reminding him.

Every few days the reality of my H's betrayal hits me like a ton of bricks and I'm right back to where I was on d-day. It comes on out of nowhere. There is no trigger.

For example, today I was feeling happy thinking about time spent with my H this past weekend. Then, WHAM, reality hits me and I start to think about the A and that my H doesn't love me and that he is a horribly selfish and self-centered jerk and why the hell am I still with him!?

Ugh! Just when I think I'm nearing recovery, I realize I'm not even close.

You can begin recovery when NC letter is written and there has been no contact, when H is complying with your list of requirements for the M to continue, when you are assured there has been no further breech and both of you seem to be on the same page about your M. Having a session with Dr. Harley would be advisable to ensure everything is being done than can and should be. H shouldn't be having personal contact with women.

Thanks Kaycstamper,

The NC letter has been sent and there has been no contact for almost five months. My H is meeting my requirements and we are on the same page. The only thing he hasn't done that I would like him to do is post on this site for support. He set up a username but hasn't posted yet. I will ask him about having a session with Dr Harley too.

He has been avoiding personal contact with women and I have been able to confirm this by doing some snooping. The only exception I have made regarding personal contact is when we are out with our couple friends. He is allowed to chat with them when I am there.

So if we are in recovery, what should we be doing differently? What is the difference between plan A and recovery?

I'm having some frustration with POJA.

I usually go out with some girl friends once a month. It's only for an hour or two. No big deal. But, H said he is not enthusiastic about me going. So based on POJA, I can't go.

This whole scenario has made me very resentful towards H. Why should I have to make all these sacrifices when I'm not the one who had the affair? Am I misunderstanding something about POJA? I don't think POJA is supposed to create resentment. What are we doing wrong?