Oh, I know he wants to use it to "pleasure" himself. He can't go more than a day without sex (or masturbating). I think he has a sex addiction, which I believe played a huge part in causing the affair. In fact, I suggested he talk to his therapist about it, but my H continues to insist he has a normal amount of sex drive for a man. Seriously, is needing sex every day normal? Does Dr. Harley have any suggestions for dealing with sex addiction?

So, does anyone know what a normal amount of sex drive is for a man? I'm trying to figure out if my H has a sex addiction?

I would consider once a day normal, but... most people who would like to have sex once a day can postpone gratification a day or two. On the other hand, I think it is a great idea to let him have something about the two of you to look at, rather than leave him tempted by the all too present pay-tv in his hotel room. Wouldn't you feel better if he was fantasizing about you than about some silicone busted 18-year-old in an x-rated movie?

I didn't read your thread. Did the two of you have problems in the past about SF?

You would speak about addiction when it causes him to do things on a regular basis which harm himself and others. Things like looking at porn from a work computer and getting laid off because of that.
You need not be a sex addict to have an affair, you can just be a really selfish person.

On the other hand, SF is a bit like food. If you are a hungry person and you are only allowed to eat when your husband is feeling hungry, which is seldom, because he lives on lettuce and crackers, and he would say: No need for cooking today dear, I am not feeling hungry. Maybe we can eat something not-cracker next week. You might be tempted to think he was being selfish, he could at least cook for you even if he did not want to eat it, you could still sit at the table together... Well that must be what it is like to have a high sex drive and have your spouse tell you, not today dear.
Don't you think it would be easier not to snack if you had eaten a decent meal?

Thanks for the suggestions happyheart. I didn't do the video, but sent him some pictures of me in some sexy poses and we "sexted" while he was gone. That seemed to work really well.

He could not go a whole day without gratification. This is the thing that concerns me and makes me think he may have an addiction.

We have had problems with SF in the past. He wants it every day (as previously noted) and I prefer once a week. I think this played a huge part in his affairs. I have been working on being more sexual and it seems to be working, but I'm concerned that he will just look for it somewhere else if I don't put out. This is causing me to resent him even more. Help!!!!

This weekend my H and I went out to eat and our server had the same name as the OW. My husband mentioned that hearing her name stirred feelings of resentment towards the OW. I was surprised, since I figured it would stir positive memories and feelings of loss. He said no and assured me that he considers the OW to be the biggest mistake of his life and does not have positive memories of her because those memories make him think of the pain they caused me and how much he could have lost (his family).

Based on everything I've read on this site, most waywards don't feel resentment towards their AP. They usually feel loss when the affair is over.

Has anyone else's WS expressed similar feelings (resentment towards the affair partner)? Could what my H is saying be true and he really resents her?

My WW felt resentment towards AP very quickly. I know WH and WW are different, so maybe it doesn't totally apply to your situation. But once my WW realized how selfish the AP had been while playing a part in nearly ruining a family... in addition to the realization that she couldn't trust AP, and who knew if she was just another check mark on a list... she quickly resented him.

Many of the other feelings of loss were still there--she admits that sometimes she'll still remember some of the positive things, and her resentment doesn't totally eliminate the temptation. So don't put your guard down just because he has resentment towards her.

Still, I think you can take that as a very positive sign. As long as he's being truthful about it, and not just trying to make you feel better by sugarcoating anything.

It is an interesting question what they really think of their AP after the fact.
I know my husband knows she is a liar, things she told him, the dumb part of that is he actually expected honesty from her, it's that a fogged thought pattern.......
I think my husband actually now thinks she set out to trap him for fianacial reasons. Things she has said, things her EH said to me............they are all adding up to a controlled kind of seduction, he is angry with himself for falling for it.......
He regrets the whole painful act and situation we are now in trying to over come the trust issues..........
You can't ever know what they think or remember but I would never stop checking for contact or unusual behavior.........
Trust until that is my motto.................

Another flag with this kind of attitude, IMO, is the risk that the WS is shifting too much blame onto the AP and avoiding taking full responsibility for the affair.

No matter how shifty, deceitful, or coercive the AP was, it is still the WS's full responsibility for allowing them into their life. It's kind of an easy out for WS to say "what a sneaky piece of trash that AP was!" while trying to avoid looking at how their own lack of boundaries, and subsequent decisions, caused it.

stuck waiting,
I agree and so does my husband he could have said no at any time, in fact he viewed himself as the purser in his affair. He has taken responsiblity for his part in the affair, he is grown man and educated man that willingly made decisions to change our marriage...........that had nothing to do with her, they worked together and it was easy to get closer and fill each others needs, without boundaries it will happen, she actually used my husband as her sounding board for her marital problems, crying on his shoulder. But he let her do this, he knew it and then hid it from me as well, he knew it was wrong, but chose to get involved anyway......
It was not my intent to show he was not responsible, just the attitude he now has when thinking about her part.........and remembering her words.........
ugly no matter how you look at it then or now.

StuckWaiting - I believe you are right. In his own mind, my WH has shifted the blame to the AP, so he doesn't have to be so ashamed of himself or accept responsibility. He even recently said that he believes she relentlessly pursued him for financial reasons (she is 25 living with her parents...basically has nothing).

Anyway, this change is very concerning to me because my WH is not realizing his huge need to fix his boundary issues. In fact, he told me this weekend that he drove a female co-worker to the airport last week. When I told him I was disappointed in his decision to do that, he was utterly dismayed. He said "What was I supposed to say when she asked for a ride...sorry my wife won't let me drive women to the airport!?" I said "Yes, that's exactly what you should have said!" We have been over and over the boundary stuff, but he just doesn't get it. I don't know how to get through to him.

Suggestions?

No. What he should have said is, sorry I can't. No explanation required. It is HIS responsibility to enforce extraordinary precautions to protect his marriage.

Would he be willing to come here and post?

I can ask him. He might do it. He has been very cooperative about all the other parts of the program (no contact, UA time, meeting needs, etc.). The only thing he has a problem with is his boundaries and I do think he is trying in that regard too. Maybe he just needs some time to figure it out?

We have been seeing marriage counselors that haven't been much help and basically balked at my suggestion that he avoid all conversations with women (excluding business conversations). This, in turn, has weakened my leverage on the issue. I just cancelled our next MC appointment. It's not helping much anyway. I thought about doing the MB counseling, but our insurance won't cover it, so we can't afford it.

I feel this boundary issue is the only thing holding me back from forgiving him and moving on. What else can I do to help him with this issue if we can't afford the MB counseling and my H won't post here?

The way I got mine to finally agree and set her boundaries is just reinforcing that our M safety was a priority for me. And that I personally didn't feel safe. I sent her a few clips from MB radio pertaining to how affairs happen. Sent her emails on Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage? ETC

Well, so much for FWH resenting the OW. My FWH recently told me he was still thinking of her.

He said he thought of some fun times with her while on his drive home from work. He then went on to say that he had no interest in contactacting her, but she just popped into his head. I asked him what the trigger was and he said he didn't know.

I told him that I was glad that he told me about it, but that I was concerned that he will contact her. He told me that I shouldn't be worried about that. He says contacting her is the last thing he would do (which made me feel better)...but, then he said he is more concerned about having another affair with someone else. WHAT!? I asked what he meant and he just blabbed about working on his boundaries.

These comments have been tormenting me for a few days now and I don't know what to think. We have worked so hard to rebuild our marriage and now he is saying he is concerned about having another affair. What does this mean? I'm scared.

hurt, I HATE to hear this! The good news? He's being honest. I know, you want him to be totally disgusted by even thinking of her. But the truth is that he does have good memories of her. He can't erase those.

Keep Plan A'ing.

Thanks marital bliss. I am glad that he is being o&h, but I think I liked it better when I thought he resented her. Even though it made me concerned that he wasn't taking responsibility for his part in the affair, it made me feel good that he had negative thoughts of her. I guess I can't have it both ways.

What do you think about his comments that he is more likely to have another affair with someone else than contact the ow? This was the comment that really concerned me.

I don't think he meant it the way it sounds. I think what he meant was "I'm not going to have another affair, and the chance of my contacting OW is less than that." If my sentence makes sense.

What concerns me is that the spector of an affair shouldn't even be part of a topic.

I agree. That's why I'm so concerned that he said that...maybe it's because I've been hounding him so much about his boundaries...I don't know. Maybe I should stop talking to him about his boundaries? Do you still talk to your FWH about his boundaries? If not, when did you stop?

Let's assume for the moment that your H said that word because it's fresh in his mind, and he was using it as an extreme example. Assume, but keep your eye on him.

On boundaries: we spent a few months on that. In the beginning I had to introduce my H to the concepts here. He was very receptive. He agreed that his boundaries were poor, pre-A. We actually did some role-playing so he could understand how to protect his boundaries better. He had to get over that 'people-impressing' gig he had a tendency to pull out around others.

We don't talk about it much anymore. It's become a natural part of life for us. He actually notices it in other people and will say something like "His boundaries seem weak - he'd better be careful."

Before Marriage Builders, I don't think the word 'boundaries' ever came out of our mouths! Now it's a cornerstone of our relationship.

Ok, thanks. I'll assume that plan A is working and we are nearing recovery. I have just read so many threads where people were in a fake recovery (FR) and I just don't want that to happen to us. We have been following the MB plan and I have been keeping a close eye on him. Is there anything else I can do to make sure a FR doesn't happen to us?