MJ, I am new here, just got on this forum today, but I have read your entire thread and it is so close to what I am feeling and dealing with, it is unbelievable. I too still love my husband very much and wish with all my heart that he would try to make our marriage work. I am dealing with so many of the emotions that you have and are dealing with that your posts and the replies you have received have been helpful to me as well.

Good luck on your continued journey to finding peace. I hope that I too can see light at the end of the tunnel very soon.

I think I'll stick to the kiddie rides at the amuzement park for awhile, after I get out from under the bleachers and get my stomach back.

Hey Joy, Welcome to MB world. Its like Wally World but ya didn't want to come here ever, at least not on the scary rides.

Its unique, every relationship is different and with different people, and no-one will ever be the same as the person you lost. In a way, you feel like a traitor to thier memory to think differently, and it adds to your misery, and the guilt they lay upon you, when they leave and blame you for it.

The best thing about this site and the freinds you find here, is they are to help understand and share the grief, while letting each other know they are not alone. Different situations, people, historys, yes, but the pain of being alone is the scariest thing most people will ever experience in thier life.

After finding someone we think is going to be there most of the rest of our lifes, they don't leave us still loving us, but instead reject us and cast us out. Its important to learn and believe inside it was thier loss to give us up, and it takes some time to really beleive that. Our world can get turned upside down emotionally.

Just reassuring that we are allways learning and growing in relationships, and become stronger and wiser through them. We share that pain of shame, guilt, and rejection, and hopefully serve as objective friends that support each other through one of the most painful times of thier lives.

It gets better really it does, as time, listening, and letting go of the past belief that you had found the one, and they would never betray you.

This site does not only offer friends who care, but friends who can teach us how to make all the promises that marriage before God has, come true. Whats great is that we can have control of our part, and expect good things also, and have a good marrige with someone, maybe sometime in the future, and its not a mystery.

Hope to read your thread and you are in the right place, let paience do her perfect work.

Thanks CP for your encouragement. I have started a thread of my own and hope to get some replies.

MJ, didn't mean to HJ your thread.

Nah, Joy, MJ doesn't mind. I bet she is out doing the work to get past and let go right now.

Hey Gramma MJ, Check in will ya! Us people hiding under the bleachers love to hear from you braver souls.

Not only do I not mind, but I enjoy the company over here. Make yourself at home here anytime Joy. I'm dropping the "lost" part of your name. You may feel lost, but I have a feeling you know that's only a feeling, and not the truth. I can tell by what you've already posted, that you are a smart, strong woman, and you are going to have JOY after this set back on your journey. I have faith in you. Hugs.



I wished!!!! I have been home sick for a few days, but did go into the office a few times this week to get the minimum done. I worked all day today though.

Yesterday, after working for a few hours feeling like death warmed over, I went to one of those walk in clinics to get some drugs, because I wasn't getting any better. I sat in there for 3 hrs, ugh, but it was worth it. Everyone there was really nice, but the wait was ridiculous.

I spent my waiting times texting some funny people to pick me up for those three hours. It was better than staring at a bunch of sick people, who probably thought I was crazy because I was doing a little ex bashing with them and was laughing out loud in the waiting room. I even had the doc rolling when I FINALLY got to see her. I liked her. She gave me a z-pack, some good cough syrup, and some happy pills for the chest pain. Yeeaah.

Feeling better today. Except for......

Stbx started the divorce process today.

He sent me an e-mail earlier today. Said I'd be served in the next 5 to 10 days. My reaction was interesting. At first I felt like crying, but I didn't. My boss (whom I LOVE) was there all day today, along with several other people getting ready for our huge river race. (Sail boats).

I felt inconsolable on the inside for about 5 minutes, and then accepted it, and continued on with my productive self. Yay me! Took a break a few hours later, and thought about it for a bit. I've decided that he never deserved me. He has disrepected me our entired marriage, and I am actually happy to be getting rid of him. Yay me again!!

I was sad because my dreams were gone, with him, but he's not the kind of person I want to share my dreams with any longer after seeing his true colors. Awesome people are all around me. I could probably throw a rock in any direction and find someone better than him. I actually feel sorry for him in a lot of ways. I wish him the best. He was too weak a man for me. Moving onwards and upwards friends.




We're all getting braver every day C.P. You too. I feel brave because I didn't take his crap. That's why recovery sucked. You're dealing with your stuff C.P.,that's brave. And when our divorces are over on this side, I am going to be talking to you guys about that really longed named party we're going to have. Not a celebration for divorce, but for bravery and life, and also just because we rawk and deserve a break with some great friends. And you're coming with us!!!!

Now, you know what the worst part of my day was????

I'm on antibiotics. I can't be around anyone until Sunday, except my son and his gf who are already exposed to my cold. It's a beautiful day on a Friday here. I look cute today in my sundress, and I'm stuck at home.

At 10:00 this morning, one of the members at our club invited me out tonight with a group of friends to see a live band, and I can't go. I'm so bummed. However, my son is willing to play with me. His gf and I have managed to get him to enjoy foot soaks and pedicures.

And one of my most excellent girlfriends just called me, so I shall call her back and and plan our camping trip. Yeaahh.

I haven't even taken one of those happy pills yet today.




That's GiGi. GiGiK when they get older. It's already stuck.

Happy Weekend everyone. I'll check in later, SINCE I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!!

You sound great MJ. It seems from what you have described is that stbx was angry and controlling, and I hate to think of where he will be when his "high" from hurting you wears off. I agree he was not strong enough, and better days are ahead.

Immersing yourself in work, and projects, will be very good for you also. I am doing that too, although I probably spend to much time on the forum. Its OK its part of getting re-connected to the world that has seemed to have slipped away. Don't worry though, I know it is all in my head. I can get knocked down, but I won't stay down, I refuse to.


I love it that you got your son to do the pedicure thing, lol. Now you gotta get him one of those pink T-shirts, the ones that say, "real men aren't afraid to wear pink".

My therapist, and my sons think I should take you guys up on the offer to come down and celebrate life. Iv'e been to long in my mancave, and was ready to start school, work, and get out soon anyways. No man is an Island. Sounds like in a couple of months it will be good. So let me know.

Funny I love people, and since my wifes sickness and being home for the last couple years when she passed away, I have been too withdrawn. Time to get back out there and take the bull by the horns and be the man I used to be, lol, well better and wiser of course. I love encouraging others to get out and past heartache, I need to take my own advise.


So stuck at home, well at least you have the pedi to look forward to, just stop before you make the kid wear make-up lol

TTYL, your a captive audience this weekend, poor gurl

Ah man...that most excellent gf I was talking about invited me over for the weekend!!!!!! She has 3 movies, wine, beer, and food. My heart is about to stop....lol...

This gf is married with an 8 mo. old, and opportunities do not arise like this hardly ever! Her husband is out of town for the weekend, and I swear, if it weren't for that baby, I'd asked her to take one for the team...lol.....

So bummed! Argggg!!!!!!



Thanks C.P. I am, considering.



Yep. He was very angry and controlling. He couldn't see it in himself. Agree about the high. When I didn't give him his narcissist supply, he would get very angry and passive agressive. I just realized how happy I am that I don't have to deal with that ever again. I interviewed an attorney yesterday that someone convinced me to go see, (coincidence? not.)and I told her how he was, and I think she will enjoy taking over fighting with him for me. Lalalalala...




My man!



Love it. He has a great sense of humor, and he doesn't have a wimpy cell in his body. He'll wear it and have fun with it. Thanks for the idea. I'll tell him where it came from, hehehe..





[In my disguised english voice] Need I say more?




Ummm...yeAh.


Lol.....his SISTER did that to him when they were little. I don't think he'll let us go there. I think I will order us a PIZZA.




Right? I do love you guys though. Thanks for being here!

Gonna go see if he's ready for gurls night.

A friend of mine, who lived with his wife next door to my wife and kids when they were little,(DD4 at the time). Did something hilaruous.

They were having a "girls only" sleep over at the house The girls were 4, 6, 10, and 12. Now three of the girls were his daughters, and he was teasing them all day about not being able to come. Of course they all just ignored him cuz he teased all the time.

This guy was a mans man, hunter, construction work, brought up rough and in a rural area, farm worker..Think of Popeye the Sailor, about the same size, and smoked 2 packs a day. But sweet when it came to kids, all kids, his wife too.

He dressed up with his sons, 14 and 18, in girls dresses, wigs, and makeup, went to the door and disguised thier voices, and raided the party.

It takes a real man to wear a pink Tutu.

I gotta copy that story over to the kid story forum Brb.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=161154&Number=2498981#Post2498981

Hahaha....I LOVE that story. Thanks for sharing it. Your friend sounds like a great guy.

We already ate the pizza. The pizza dude was here in 25 minutes on a Friday night. I don't know if that's ever happended before.

Warming up the water for the foot bath......

Having been raised mostly by a single mother, and my sister...well, let's just say I understand how rewarding it can be to get "an inside look" at what women do. Yes, I've been through a "make-over" and enjoy manicures. Oh, and I look d@mn good in pink.

MJ!!! I like seeing all those dancin feet! Sorry to hear that the D is on; but at the same time, I'm really not. You do deserve better!!!

Lol...that's awesome. Please tell me you cook too.

That foot bath felt so good, it feels like my feet have just been sexed. I wonder if the filter will catch that.



Thanks Itsa. It is bittersweet. And I definitely deserved better. Always have. That goes for you too. Lessons learned.

Yes ma'am. Casseroles are becoming my forte, since I'm alone with DS at least 4 nights a week. I make pretty awesome eggs too. I'm still honing my grillin skills though..

Since I'm enjoying my expanding head right now, I'm also a handyman, musician, student, interior decorator, and uhhh...techie...and...uhhh.. Ok. We've reached full expansion. Time to go deflate.


I can honestly say, my feet have never felt that way. Sounds like I'm missing out...


The exact word I have used to describe it.

Had another wordy post going, but got drawn away for about an hour. Lol When I came back it looked crazy.

Think I am gonna get some shut eye, maybe I will think of something worth writing tommorow.

Hope you have a great night and small hangover if any.

I used to read like crazy when young, it was my escape from my issues in life as a kid, and I was allways told that reading was good for me. On the other hand, my Dad had a hard time reading and writing. Lol, well you can imagine the irony, I was doing what I was supposed to do to expand my mind and educate myself, like Dad said, but it was hard to talk with him.

The point being, that when I ran out of novels, comic books, and Mad magazines, There were my aunts romantic dime store novels. My Mom said they were trash, and they all seemed the same to me, first she hates him then she falls in love with him, so I agreed. I did for a while think I had some inside knowledge of how women think though, lol. Dramatic thinking at its finest.

I used to cook with Mom and sew on a machine, but then later do all kinds of scary boy stuff and allmost get killed, besides chores my Dad gave me that cost me some flesh and blood too. Just wanted to be useful, its all valuable skills to me. As a boy, I had a lot to prove. What boy doesn't?

I like to cook, but for other people, I used to be prety good at diabetic cooking, but gotta bone up and take pride in it again. OK,,so thats my new/old challange

So....after my pedicare, I took one of the happy pills the doc gave me and I crashed. It was a good night considering I had to stay home sick.

The bartender at our club landed in the hospital last night, so I had to fill in for her today. I'm the office manager at the club, so this is more fun. I never cared to be a server of any kind all of my life, except I am enjoying the occasional bartending gig.




I bet he was proud of you, but I can understand wanting to be able to talk to converse with him on thing.



Might not be bad knowledge for those who love fantasy.



Did you actually make clothes? Cute comment about having a lot to prove as a boy.



Nice.



Are you diabetic?

I'm impressed. Can you make an omelet and what do you play?

Since my stbx left, I've been taking over on the grill, and I am getting pretty darn good at it. I love the taste of food off the grill.




Yes, I believe you have. I use really hot water, sea salt scrub and lavender sea salts. I also put a bunch of glass marbles in the water to use as a massager while moving my feet around on them. It was so relaxing and my feet felt great afterwards. Feet are erroneous zones too.

I made a shirt once, and of course got crap from the rural boys in the neighborhood, but who cares? I just saw all work for what it was, and womens work, (Traditionally), as just as important. Although working for my Dad was "mans" work, helping him in carpentry, cleaning out the barn and taking care of livestock, and stuff that most kids didn't touch because it was to "dangerous", from an early age, I was well aware that women worked hard and longer most days than men, so they deserved respect, as so did thier talents.

Yeah I have been insulin dependant since 27, but just like the accident that left my left leg pretty messed up when I was 12, I haven't let it slow me down. I have to tell most people about those things, because I wasn't gonna let them slow me down and ruin a full life, and they wouldn't have guessed by who they saw me as. There was a story of an insulin dependant professional Baseball Player, who was in good shape, and I knew a Doctor also, and their is a Doctor now that Mel references that does atkins diet plan who has outlived many people, and has been a diabetic for years and is in his 60s and active. There really is no excuse. Ya gotta take care of yourself thats all.

Ever see the movie "Ray", with Jamie Fox? His mom never let him look at himself as a cripple, but when he fell to heroin abuse, his Mom was mad because he made himself a cripple. Its sorta like that when you feel sorry for yourself. Ya know? You are what you do.. I like the words that Shirley Maclaine said, "You are what you eat, and you become what you think", But you still are what you do also.


My Dad issues are all past now, but I admit it was tough being so seperated from him at times. He was a good man, and worked hard, but was never happy, and he took it out on us when we were young. It was like it would have been better if he had beaten us, because then we could deal with it. The complexity of the emotions were to much to deal with. I did get the occasional butt whippin with the nasty old nylon carpenters belt, but it allways seemed like he wasn't done yet whem Mom would call him off me, and he hardly ever talked and never approved of anything I did. He just couldn't comunicate ya know?

I wanted so bad to fix his life too, I guess thats why I became a fixer. Its a common occurance within familys that are disfuntional, very prominant with children of Alcoholics. Probably why I understood my late wifes obsession with her family and inner security issues. The best thing was to put it all behind. I still loved him for being the best he could be.

When I was 10, and in church, listening to the preacher tell again a story that was an example of a local father love for his son, like many stories before, I realized my Dad could not love me that way, and did not have that capacity. This was something my Mom had to painfully explain to me for years, as I asked why Dad didn't seem to like me. On that morning in question,

I said to God..."Well I can see that Dad has his fear and blindness, and we are not the same, and that he is giving his whole body and time, to provide for his family the best he knows how. I also see his tender side, the musician he once was, his artistic side when he used to charcoal scetch. How he was so lonely, and had no friends, and Mom and him didn't see eye-to-eye on so much. But I will look to you God, as my father, and respect my earthly Dad because of his heart and spirit, because like Mom says, He loves you in his own way"

No boy wants to put his Dad in a place where he has to understand him and lose respect for him, but Dad was losing it at the time.

Still in my heart I want to save him, and that carried over for many years, wanting my parents to reconcile, and trying to show them how. Even into my first marriage.

Proud of me? well lol, The day I got married, at 18, he showed up and asked me outside after the ceremony, "Why are you getting married you idiot? You haven't got a Pot to piss in!" well of course he was right about that, but I never had a problem supporting my wife or child. I knew better than to expect his support. He was too critical of everything.

Years later, when he showed up on our doorstep at 135 lbs, wasting away after the death of his second wife, and the trauma he went though, we brought him in with welcome arms. After that he was proud of me, even after years of living in paranoia and bitterness and avoiding me, we took him in and supported him, and helped him get back on his feet. Not expecting anything, even though he was loaded now, and we were struggling still. I don't know if he was proud of me, because you would have to be rich to meet his criteria of having anything to be proud of, but he trusted me and wondered how I could be who I was. I moved to another state for my wifes sake, and he had his third wife move in the next week.

His third wife spent all his cash with him, put him in a nursing home, and took his house after his stroke. Now he is broke and alone, and with no legacy for his kids. Still struggling with that, not his money, I never wanted that, it was to precious to him, I just wanted his money to go where he wanted it to, and respected that wish for him, he knew that because I told him, this man who worked so hard and was so determined to make it work out, and be proud, what imbalance caused all of that. I want him to be happy, thats all a kid ever wants, to see his Dad happy to take care of him. He doesn't understand much anymore either, but maybe thats a blessing for him, and I hate to think of him afraid anymore.

Don't think me some kind of great guy, because I understand his pain, thank Him, for his roof over my head, and the ability to read and study, and seek God in my own way, because of his sacrifice. It wasn't balanced I know, and God I didn't want it to turn out like it did, but I must give credit where it is due, if it weren't for him, I would know nothing, have any character, or know what it meant to work and provide.

OK enough heavy crap for now. Thanks for listening. This place is a good outlet for me. But I have to go look at another thread, and its 230 Easter Morn, and DGD 3 is gonna be up at 8 to hunt for eggs at her house up the road.

Nite and happy Easter MJ and company..

Beleiving all is well MJ, and stxh didn't come over and steal yur PC.

Catch us up when ya can, if being here isn't to painful. Just wanna hear how your doing, and hoping its well.

God Bless..

Lol.....no, he didn't.



I've been wanting to. Just been super busy. Still am actually.

Spent tons of time with family and friends since Sunday, since I was sick the whole week before. It was NICE to get out again. Weather here is gorgeous. Caught up with some of my gfs and hung out with family. It's been fun.

I also had to study for my final in "Introduction to Information Management Systems", which I took Monday night. I made an 85. I wanted an A. Oh well. It was a very interesting class for me.

Been working extra hours this week to catch up at work. When I'm out, there's no one there doing my job. It's all there when I get back. Plus, our largest event is next weekend, and the phones are ringing off the hook, so hard to catch up. I'll get er done though. Excited about this event. The band has been practicing the song "Southern Cross" to play for me. Not to mention, tons of fun people to hang out with on that day.

And this week, while I wasn't doing any of the above, I've been working on my financial affidavit for my attorney, and divorce financial planner. I also retained my attorney this week and started that ball rolling. The dissolution petetion wasn't filed until Monday. I asked my attorney to accept the service.

I also had some other huge news, which I cannot share here and it's killin me....lol...lets just say that I cannot wait to get out of this sham of a marriage.

C.P., thank you for checking in on me. Your concern is appreciated.

I'll have to come back and reply to the other post, because I want to catch up. I probably won't get to do that anytime soon. The bartender at our club is having emergency surgery tomorrow and I'll be working for her all day, into the evening on Saturday, due to an event, and then again for half the day on Sunday. I meet with the div fin planner on Tuesday, and the clock is ticking. You should see my mess on the living room floor right now...lol...

Hugs!