I'm just going to start with the fact that I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to be mean to my husband or ignore his emotional needs. And yes I do love my husband very much just not all of his behaviors. I have just recented read through my husband's thread and some posts make me sad and other posts make me want to throw the computer through the window and say "he left out this and that, hmm not totally true." I feel misrepresented and even though I don't know any of you who have responded, I wanted a chance to tell you there is always another side to the story.


Hilltopper first emailed me his emotional needs and asked me to respond with an email of my very own emotional needs. Here is my initial email:

Admiration: I want to be recognized for the small things even if they are silly or unimportant to you. The little things are whats important to me and sometimes they are time consuming and meaningful. I'm a pretty good wife and give you freedom, zero jealousy, etc ... I don't want to be called a psycho or related to my mom. I want to be recognized for being (my name), mom, my own person. I can't be or think like a guy, I'm a woman and I'm built physically and emotionally different.

Affection: Where is the romance? Hmm I don't think you were even romantic when we dated and it's never really been your strong point. I'm not talking about flowers. I'm talking about follow through with a sweet idea, make a bath for me, a note, set up massages for us. Have the kids make me something and frame it. The most unromantic thing is I just have to have my needs met no matter what today, I don't care what else happens. Every girl likes a little romance or creativeness.

Conversation: I'm not your political equal. I understand you are patriotic, but a little overly when you get too emotional at the TV. You can take an interest in what happened today with baby, kids, family, friends. Anything but awwh, your not having wine. Your no fun anymore. How about not as much TV either. That would force more talking or fun time. You can definitely work on your listening skills as well. You really make me irritated or sad when I tell you something and the next day you ask me about whatever we discussed or pretend like I never said it. Sometimes its making and effort to listen and pay attention to the details. WRITE THEM DOWN from now on. Keep a little notepad. I don't think you care to have conversations with me because you feel like I'm not on your intellectual level. I'll have wine with you if you listen.

Domestic support: Yes you have done a great job here with the kids and cooking. I really do appreciate that you cook more than you know. I would like you to take the INITIATIVE to do stuff on your own so I don't have to be a nag and you get mad at me because I've said it a hundred times. I don't want to have to always write a list, why can't you make one of your own. Again, its the small things that are important to me a lot of times. I've heard you say sure honey I'll help you with the garage. It's the follow through. I get emotionally and physically spent because I do clean 5 times a day with the kids. Even more laundry baskets would be nice. A shredder to get rid of your computer files, papers. It'd be nice if you just spent one hour or so of a weekend to do stuff like this. I'm not asking about an everyday thing.

Family commitment: Pretty good. But I feel like you are a great father but not so hands on in the outdoor department. I would love for you to teach (our daughters name) how to ride a bike and do more boy things with (our son's name). You always feel like I attack your manhood. Well sorry honey but its more of a daddy thing. I'm just talking about on the weekends or 15 min after work. Help me sign them up for stuff, follow through. Again you have good ideas, but have you done research on the golf you want the kids to play. I just went to Monarchs and Victory today.


Financial support: Yes I will work with you. But really I am clueless to our finances. If something happened to you tomorrow, I have no idea how to access our accounts, pay bills do anything really and we would probably lose our house. I have no idea about our mortgage or anything else except we are struggling to stay ahead. I would ideally like to have two checks so that I can deposit them in my account and I can access what I'm spending. I feel like a two year old when I have to ask you what is in the account. This is always such a fight.

Honesty and Openness: The honesty is good. I don't feel that way about openness. I would like you to listen and not jump to your own conclusions and tell me how I'm feeling. "your just pissed... your so and so. example, the shoes and carpet this morning. I don't really like to talk to you because you always say something like well I can't help it if these are the facts. Is that supposed to make me feel good or just get me offended. I don't like to be open with you because you make me feel stupid, especially since I can't always express myself verbally. I want you to be careful what you say before you say it so no one gets on the defensive. You don't realize how critical and the stance that you need to be right so many times happens.

Physical attractiveness: I'm not attracted to you right now because we fight all the time. Weve fought through most of my pregnancy too. Its no secret that I get disgusted when you drink or smoke too much either. I get unattracted to you when things have been said or fought during the day and get unresolved leading to zero desire for sex. Its the attitude that I cant get out of my head. No fights and a nice day = sexual desire. Anger, fights, irritation last the entire day and I have that disgusted feeling.

Recreational Companionship: Again this has never really been your strong point and I usually fulfill it with my friends or on my own. I always think of our honey moon and how much of a dud or bore you could be. I'm not trying to be hurtful, its just never been there. We both like camping and the outdoors. Again maybe it's effort or follow through. Let's book that trip to Heart castle up the coast. Wanna bike ride, lets go buy or borrow a bike. I don't expect you to go running, just take in interest in something. Let me book a run or 5k and come be my cheerleader. What ever happened to walks to starbucks, the park, go to the nursery together and pick out stuff and plant together. Lets go fishing at the harbor, etc ... I always feel like I take the lead on activities or active interests.

Sexual fulfillment: None at the moment. Good day with pleasant feelings = and leads to sexual fulfillment.

Coming up in my next post:

I'm going to follow up with all the craziness of what has happened this week and why I flew off the handle when my husband asked me not once but twice if I was seeing someone else. For those of you who have dealt with infidelity, I'm sorry. But in our marriage this is not the case and I can guarantee you that you will never, ever see a post from my husband that this is in fact true. He can hire whoever he wants, put tags on my phone or computer, call friends etc ...
Just telling all you responders wrong, wrong WRONG.

And for those of you who think I'm selfish taking time out of a Saturday morning to run! Plah!!!!!! I've been an avid runner before I met my husband, during the most fantastic parts of our marriage and now through the worst. The only reason he is pissed off now that I run is because his emotional needs are not being met. I'm actually training for a marathon which I've done before. And of course I'm taking the whole family to Santa Barbara and making a fun weekend out of it. I take my baby with me during the week so it won't interfere with family time when my husband gets home. So its a matter of my long runs being on the weekend. Which I try to get up and leave by 6:00 so again we can enjoy our family time. So seriously people if I want to run, I'm sure as hell not giving it up. There are 6 and 3/4 days of the week to work on the marriage. I'm reading the book everyday now and working on it with hilltopper. And there has never been an issue with letting my husband escape the stresses of work when he asks me to grab a beer or go golf. For the individuals who said this creates independence, I say your full of [censored]. It is important for spouses to get a small bit of recreational time with friends, sports, etc.... It's worked the past 7 yrss, just not now because were not happy with each others behaviors.

ok my baby is crying

I haven't begun to touch on what has led to the neglect of emotional needs

tgrace, welcome (officially!) I have to read and digest this. I'll wait for your additional post and then respond. Keep typing, girlfriend!

Welcome!

I don't know your husbnad's story at all, and I won't be the only one.

Why not JUST tell us your story and how we can help you?

Please read up on POJA and IBs (you can find them both in the Basic Concepts link). These are LBers to your H.

I know. My H was a runner as well. It just about finished off our M. He had the EXACT same justifications you have: "I get up early so it doesn't interfere, I take the baby, we are all going to Santa Barbara", etc, (for us it was Catalina). It doesn't matter. Training for marathons can be seen by the spouse as extremely selfish, especially when you have young children . Sorry if that upsets you.

Unfortunately, you aren't going to get an "ok" for that here. That is an IB, a Selfish Demand AND you are not following POJA by training for marathons.

You can have a happy M, an extremely satisfying one...and, believe it or not, be MUCH happier in your life if this issue is causing resentment in your H.

I know it's hard to believe but my H is about 100 times happier now than he's ever been...and he's hasn't trained for a marathon in 5 years.

Let me know if you want to know our secret.

P.S. let's work on your EN list too.

It's supposed to be 100% POSITIVE....we can re-write it so that your H will WANT to meet your needs.

It's a big no-no to tell him what NOT to do and to say anything negative in your list.

Here is an example:

Conversation: I love it when we talk about __________. Remember last week when we had that great conversation about __________? That was so nice! It reminded me of our dating days and I remembered why I fell in love with you.

I love it when you ask me about my day and I love to hear about yours, especially ______________. Talking about the kids and their activities is also pleasant for me. I love hearing your ideas on ____________ and I love it when you ask me my ideas on _____________.


See the difference? It's very hard to meet someone's ENs when you are berated and told all the things you DON'T like. Save that for the LBer questionaire.

Your Emotional Needs (EN) list is full of negatives and Disrespectful Judgements (DJs). It is supposed to be a map for your husband to help him meet your EN, not another way to put him down for doing a lousy job.

Suggestion: Take your top 5 or 6 EN and write 10-15 different ways you would like those needs met. Be positive and leave the lovebusters out. Start each line with "I'd love it if ..." or "I love it when ..." Show him, in a positive and respectful way, how you like your EN met.

Another example:

Physical Attractiveness: This is a high EN of mine. I especially like it when you have your hair freshly cut and you wear that cologne I like. It's also fantastic when you are working out and I especially like it when you work your _________ and I can see definition there. I always think you look smoking hot when you wear that green shirt and those Lucky jeans.

Leave the attitude and the smoking/drinking out of this. Those will be addressed in the LBer qustionaire. In the EN questionaire you tell him what he CAN do to meet this need, not how he screws it up. It's supposed to be POSITIVE.

Hey MF, I think I'm becoming a true MB'er...this is the part of her post that jumped out at me too.

To OP, I am a wanna be runner. I sort of get it. However, I can honestly say it is a very selfish sport. Your attitude about it is very telling as to the degree that you are disconnected from your dh. You probably really don't want to do anything that will cause your dh pain.

Stick around. You will learn a lot from the vets here.

Please don't say things like what I have highlighted here...how mean! The ENQ is not to HURT each other, it's to teach each other how to better meet your ENs! Like this:

RC: I would love to start doing more activities with you. Here are some off the top of my head that I can think of:____,___,_____,______. Remember when we used to________ and what a great time we had? I would love to take that up with you again. Another thing I would like to try out is ________. I believe we could have a really good time doing that. I'm open to suggestions you have as well!

[P.S. there is a RC inventory, I believe it is on the website here somewhere. That is a fun one to take, you each fill it out and you see which items intersect. We found a number of new things to try that we didn't know the other was interested in. Please find this inventory, print it out and take it, both of you.]

It's not more important than your UA time.

You can spend time with your friends AFTER you have met your weekly UA time. That is first and foremost in having a happy M.

We spend time just about every week with friends...but ONLY if we meet our UA time, which we always do. You have got to prioritize. You can't very well have a great M if you don't spend plenty of time together.

Fill out the actual questionnaires instead of writing paragraphs about them; that will help you eliminate those pesky LBs.

Here's a post I wrote to someone else about how to share the questionnaires, as given to me by the Harley's: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2499269#Post2499269

I've already gotten on Hill's case about how he approached the running over the weekend. Has he supported your running in the past? If so, he is likely to do so in the future, but NOT if you force it on him. Telling your spouse that you're going to do something whether they like it not is not very nice, and really brutal to a marriage. Your willingness now to consider his feelings will help you in the negotiation process later, about this and every other topic that comes up.

Really, my husband is having beer and golfing right now!

There are some good points about being positive and pointers in some of these posts. These emails were sent before I had a chance to touch on the books. I was probably a little testy and hurtful when I sent them as well, but again good pointers.

double standard

Your husband's double standard? That is part of what you two will need to work on. POJA.

You can do this.

/wave

Hello.

Welcome to MB.

A little tip; this thread is about you, how you can work to improve yourself and your side of the marriage, not how you can continue to berate and belittle your spouse.

KNOCK IT OFF.

No, nobody is going to support him going off and golfing if you don't agree to it enthusiastically.

It's not a double standard.

Understand you are frustrated, but let's check the 'tude at the door, and work on you, in your thread.


If you cannot help but to use your husband's posts as another reason to justify your behavior, or as another reason to argue with him, THEN DO NOT READ HIS THREAD.


This forum does not exist as fodder for argument.


If you cannot handle that, then you need to pony up and pay for individual phone coaching.


Again, welcome to MB.

And yes he has always supported my running in the past!

Then he probably will again. As mentioned in above post...knock off th attitude and tell YOUR story. Don't worry about what he is telling. It is highly recommended that you don't even READ his thread. Just let the good people here help YOU on YOUR thread.

holdherhand


yes, I'm frustrated, hence the attitude. I was simply stating that he is golfing, but I certainly get a lot of heat when I go running. Everyone seems to be on my case about that. I'm not on here for any other reason but to help my marriage!!!! I'm open to suggestions and advice which is why I have expressed such feelings. I'm sure you started somewhere like I did. I read my husband's post to better understand him not to continue and argue.

to be honest I would rather go into counseling and fore go this forum. All these forums have done are create more arguments and convinced my husband there was some sort of affair going on. The books seem to be helping and so far I love the workbook, but these forums are discouraging. Sorry if I not in the best mood after fighting with my spouse, most people aren't!

what happened to this worked for my husband and I? I remember when, and this is what helped!

there are definitely some helpful suggestions and those who are here just to almost put you in the pits