Welcome to MB!

One thing that I see from both you and your H is that there is a lot of finger pointing/justifying when you are being accused of lovebusting, etc.

There is a saying around here that has really resonated with me and that I actually have to remind myself of often...and that is: Don't react but ACT.

You are responsible for your own actions. It doesn't matter if your H lovebusts you first or engages in IB, etc. You clean up your side of the street regardless. Nothing that your H does, including allowing such behavior in the past, justifies your lovebusters.

You two lovebuster each other enormously and it appears this has been going on for a while. You are responsible for that yourselves.

Nothing anyone says to my H or I is going to justifying an AO or DJ. If we do that, we own it.

There is not much hope for changing your ways so long as you keep blaming your bad behavior on someone else. Good luck!

I blame no one but myself for my own actions, no one has twisted my arm. I am definitely responsible for a lot of the misery in our marriage.

Same thing I'm looking for suggestions, not discouragement.

I simply think it is better to have someone present to try and help.

And it was only these forums that suggested and conjured up an affair.

I learned a lot from reading my husband's thread, I didn't use it against him.

Obviously nobody convinced him too much because he blasted the boards for even suggesting an affair to him the next day! What you two were angry about was that it caused you to fight. The reason you two are fighting is because you two haven't learned to control your lovebusters - no other reason.

Dr Harley has said he and his W have at least one conflict an hour but because they are so mindful of each other's feelings they are able to manage them without things escalating into a blowout. I can say that I can't think of the last time my H and I had a blowout. Maybe over a year ago.

You two aren't following any of the princples here and once you learn how to use them, your M will change by leaps and bounds. But stop wasting time blaming these boards for something that was seemingly inconsequential and focus on changing your own bad habits and mistreatment of each other.

Hey TGrace, welcome to MB. I don't think anyone wants to discourage you and at first you may see some posts as negative and then go back later and see them differently as you learn more -- happens a lot around here.

You're responsible for your part and he's responsible for his part, but if you are having an affair, you're 100% responsible for that choice. I hope you're being truthful. There's not much that's worse than the betrayal by your spouse.

We have seen many many stories where a spouse denies and denies that there is an affair, only to find out the truth on down the road. I don't think I've read your husband's thread so I don't know what the other posters saw, but I can guarantee you that they are right 99% of the time when it comes to affairs.

If there's no affair going on, then you won't have any objections to complete open, honesty and transparency? Or implementing some extraordinary precautions in your marriage. Or putting your dear husband FIRST in your marriage. Right? You said that you loved him, but apparently he has some doubts about what's going on. Why not prove him wrong?

Stick around and read other threads, you may be surprised how much your behavior resembles someone in an active affair.

Not judging, just letting you know where we're coming from.

Yes. Never heard that about Dr Harley and his wife...but when two people are in touch with each other, they ARE mindful of the other's feelings...My dh and I are in constant 'touch' with each other. We never let things turn ugly. I've lived a marriage like that....it gets bad very quickly.

The majority of marriages that end up here in crisis DO have an affair in the mix. It is a statistical fact. So don't shoot the messenger. It is GOOD news there is no affair. Now move on to make yoru marriage GREAT.

I suggested this to your husband in his thread. You two should put the kids to bed together (my wife and I tag team so that she's bathing the kids and I'm cleaning the after-supper mess). Then after the kids are in bed, both of you sit down and fill out the LB sheet. Then go over them together. Neither one of you should get upset over what the other is saying/feeling...it is what it is. Both of you just listen to each other and acknowledge how the other feels. No "well, that's stupid." or "Now you're being silly" kind of comments. Those are the things that both of you stop doing. So if he does X and Y that bothers you, he quits and visa versa.

Next fill out the ENs sheet. Really work at meeting the top 3 of each other in teh way that each other wants. My wife has a high need for domestic stuff and family stuff...so I hit those the hardest. Then you guys sit down and work out 15-20 hours that you two can spend alone with each other. No tv or movies. Stuff like board games, talking over whine, reading a Marriage Builders book to each other. This is hte itme to connect and get close.

And it obviously bothers you so it is not ok for him to be doing this.

POJA states "Do not do ANYTHING without your spouse's enthusiastic agreement."

Resentment is bred by not using POJA and resentment is the antithesis to a happy M. It sounds like you already know that.

In order to clear up the affair question, your best bet is to be completely transparent with your H. You do this by:

~offering up ALL passwords
~allowing access to all cell phones and bills, anytime
~putting a keylogger on your computer/s
~being completely transparent in your daily actions ~ where you go, who you are with, etc.

These are healthy steps for any M, so you might as well both implement them now.

Well he might or he might not in the future...as hard as this is for you to swallow right now, he needs to be free enough and safe enough to be honest about whether he will be resentful if you continue training for marathons.

I know you cannot see the big picture right now and what positive benefits will come when you eliminate ALL sources of resentment from your M.

You see...I supported my H's running as well ~ I was at every single race, did everything I could to make time for him to train, went with him to his meet up with his running club...but deep down I was not enthusiastic about it. That leads to resentment.

You don't want that. Trust me, you don't. It is never acceptable to ask your spouse to sacrifice his happiness for yours. Never.

You need to sit down with him and tell him you are not happy about his beer-drinking and golfing.

You need to begin using POJA, desperately. Doing things without your spouse's enthusiastic agreement is called Independent Behavior and it's a HUGE LBer for most of us.

No, when I arrived I was desperate and broken, and needed a reason and encouragement to believe that it was worth staying married.

My original plan when I arrived here was surviving long enough to create the best possible divorce scenario for my daughters.

That best scenario is to not divorce.

Our marriage was pretty similar, and I didn't seek help, I gave up, and paid a tremendous price for my submission.


You are going to learn a lot of things here that will improve your marriage dramatically, and a lot of them are going to be exactly opposite of what you have believed in the past, and what you may now believe.

The posters here are not often gentle about it. Radical change takes radical honesty, and not being handled with oven mitts.

Expect to be angered, poked, and provoked - but digest what is posted, and come back for more.

In the end, the reward will be greater than the growing pains.

Even when it is not directly a Love Buster, Independent Behavior is a threat to Marriage.

Successful Marriages thrive on interdependence, not independence.

So, even if something is cleared through PoJA - it should be known that each spouse should be the other's favorite recreational companion.

It is entirely possible to enthusiastically agree to behaviors which erode your interdependence.

I have told my husband he has free access to anything including computer, my phone, follow me. I'm open to anything my husband wishes. We just had a baby which didn't help the affection department. I know this is what my husband desires and I'm working on it. Its pretty hard for me to be affection with all the fights (working on this too and trying to make each other happy)

Thank you

yes!!! I've agreed to all this. I would love for him to to this and put it behind us. I know this is do to the lack of affection. I welcome this with open arms and nothing to hide.

Perfect! That way you can put this part behind you and begin focusing on improving your M.

Now, Grace. This is the second time the word 'affair' has come up on your thread, and guess who said it? Yes, ma'm, YOU.
How about this? Let's leave the word 'affair' out of the conversation right now.

Why do you think your H suddenly resents your running if he supported it in the past?