ok this is really fresh i got home from work today and my wife and 2 kids and all thier stuff is gone.

i called my wife and talked to her, she told me that she had been having an affair and that both kids might not be mine and the reason she left was because of the guilt she felt of lying to me for 2 years we have been married for 9 years, our kids are 15 months and 2 months old.

she says the affair is over and has been over since right after our last child was born she wont tell me who the other man is though, she also told me that the other man doesnt want anything to do with the kids.

i dont care who the biological father is i love them and want to be in thier lives.

right now i am hurt confused and not sure what to do i still love my wife and she says she still loves me.

i have some questions i would like input on though.

1. she says she doesnt want to lose our marriage if that was the case why would she move out when im not home and take the kids and leave me wondering and worried.

2. she refuses to tell me who the other man is i feel i have a right to know because if we decide to work this out i want to know this man is not around in my mind if i dont know who it is i will wonder was it him or him.
3. she partially blames m,e because when the affair started i was working alot of hours and was not around much i made her mad when i told her that i may have been working alot to support us but that didnt give her the right or excuse to have an affair was i right in this.

thak you everyone who can help me through this

Rouge,

Sorry you are here. I would strongly suggest you check the phone records, both cell and landline. I would also suggest that you check emails and histories on your computer. If you don't know how to do this, find a good computer expert and you will be surprised what they can find even if it is deleted.

Please read the articles on this site. They will help you a great deal in getting your emotional balance. You will need this no matter how things turn out.

I would also suggest that you check the laws of your state about paternity and who pays support for children even if you are not the father. IT can be a little as one year or two after which you are stuck no matter what you want to do.

I realize you said you love those kids no matter what, but if your W seeks a divorce and you are not the father, the biofather should be coughing up the money, even if he is not in their lives.

Please see a lawyer about all of this TODAY. You need to protect yourself no matter which way you want this to turn out. You only get one vote and if your W is lying, and given that she has lied to you for years you might as well plan on the fact that she is, you could really be in a world of hurt with regards to visitation, support, and financially and you will have no say.

Seek legal counsel now, learn your options, gather data (phone, emails etc.) and then make your decisions.

Sorry you are here but hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

How did you meet this woman? Was she married when you met her?

AGree!!!

I would strongly suggest to you that your wife is currently in an active affair. This all sounds like a smoke screen to me.

This is the type of chit a wayward spreads in order to cause you to be off balance and distract you from current events. They don't just move out because of past guilt, they typically move out because of current events.... like a current, active affair!

I would follow JL's suggestions regardless!

You need to look up current phone records and look over computer histories.

You also need to contact an attorney to discuss the possibility of getting your kids back!

Again, I'm just repeating JL, but you need to hear it again....

phone records are a no go all we have is cell phones and her account password has changed.

no history on the computer it was erased and i cant even see who she is friends with on facebook anymore either.

i do love the kids and she says i can see them anytime i want but to be patient with her (after reading some of the posts i agree if she wanted to save the marriage she would be here not at her sisters).

i do have to be a little patient though before pressing her on any of this i need time to change my bank account and direct depositand all of the other little things in case things dont go well or am i jumping the gun here.

i do want to be a partn of the kids lives even if they arent mine but even as a couple we were struggling to make ends meet in this economy any suggestions regarding child support if i have to just to stay in thier lives i will pay it but with what i make i see a 1 bedroom studio apartment in my near future.

Until paternity is proven otherwise, in most states you are the assumed father. Why are you letting her dictate when you can see YOUR kids? Do you believe her about the paternity?

Do you want to save your marriage? Go get "Surviving an Affair" - you can buy it online lots of places or get it from your library. Sitting around waiting for her to call the shots will just get you divorced. Time to take action.

You call law enforcement for one... you need to find out where they are and if they are safe. Its basically kidnapping because she can't prove you aren't the father without the paternity test and she left with the kids.

I used to be a cop... you should do this FIRST... just to see if they are safe... 2nd you need to see the lawyer.

Eric

Rouge1, as awful as all of this is, you are in the best possible place to get help and support. And, most importantly, a PLAN.

Your wife is absolutely actively involved in an affair.

You absolutely must protect your finances from her. She moved out - taking the children and items from the marital home - yet still professes to love you. She will string you along like this while she thinks of nothing but herself, (not even those innocent children), and she will expect the finances to continue flowing her way.

Keep reading here, and you will learn that you fight the affair while wooing the spouse (should you decide to fight for the marriage). One way to fight the affair is to cease funding it in any way. Your wife wants to move out? Fine, let her figure out how to house herself now. Reality is a good medicine for wayward spouses.

Snoop and gather as much intel as possible. Are the cell phones on the same account? Can you get any info that way? Is the sister a friend of the marriage - will she give you intel?

Please read and keep posting. Sorry you are here, but also glad you found MB. Oh, and for the record, the decision to have an affair lies 100% with your W.

Rouge,

Just wanted to send a quick note to say...calm down. Not easy, but keep your wits about you. You are getting great advice here, and you must trust that you need not do one thing but calm down, read, listen, and gain control. Just your typing breaks my heart, but listen up, OK? Breathe and hear the words here.

I'm sorry for you, and you have a huge resource here to help you cope and answer reasons why this has happened to you. And, fix it! Yep, fix it! Stay...

sorry if i didnt come across clear she is staying with her sister and her dad between the 2 houses so i know where the kids are.

yes the cell phones are on the same account as soon as i get paid im going to get get a prepaid phone and give her mine since hers is the main phone on the account and no im not leaving her with the bill for both she hasnt renewed her contract but i did when my old phone broke so she can keep my phone and drop the extra line.

i am planning to take the kids this weekend since i have my other son from my first marriage this weekend also and i am thinking that i should tell her that its just me and the kids that for right now thats the way its going to be i think everyone is right and that the affair is still going on so it would probably be for the best to distance myself from her and just make sure i am there for the kids.

as far as her sister and dad they have always treated me very well but i also hold no illusions about who they will back on this and it wont be me no matter what she has done since i allready know it was her sister that helped her move everything out.

and thank you everyone for the help i know this is going to be a long sleepless night

ok we talked for a bit nothing really resolved or anything but she still insists the affair is over and that she wants to save the marraige i didnt aske her to move back in or anything but we talked of a possible reconciliation if i feel things are ok.

i told her that i have to know who she was having the affair with that if she wouldnt tell me that it woukld be a deal breaker.

this other part i told her we would talk about this weekend because i needed to think about it (hoping for some good input here) she doesnt want to move back in shen says she wants to save our marriage but that she doesnt want to move back in until she is sure that things are going to work out between us, to me this just doesnt sound right how can you work on a marriage and solve problems if your not together or should we take some time apart with some ground rules in place which for me wouldnt be worth anything because i dont trust her now after this and it will take alot to regain my trust hopefully some input will clear this up for me

thanks for being here people worst nightn of my life so far i miss my kids bad

p.s. she has an envy3 phone ive looked and it doesnt look like there is anyway to see who or what she has been texting on it or calling for that matter

She is obviously in an affair or she wouldnt of moved out like that. Time to snoop.. Hire a PI to find out if other man is in the picture or enlist friends or yourself.

1. Moving out like that with the kids is considered abandonment, right?
2. I would go over there and ask what is going on.. But try not to use Disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts. Tell her that if she needs space she can move back in and think in a spare room.
3. Tell her the best way for the kids to be happy and not traumatized for life is for the parents to be in love!
4. End all funding, joint checking accounts now, cancel credit cards, etc
5. Say you want to save our marriage, well we cant do that separated.. Do you want a long lasting, bitter, nasty divorce where everyone suffers?
6. Tell her you refuse to talk divorce or separation, I will come around you because I love my family.

You need to snoop bad. Get info of who it is, we can help you more. Typically u would be in a plan b but wait for more advice here

Tell her hope isnt a plan, she cant make sure something is going to work unless she proactively tries to work her 50% of the marriage, ask her what she thinks about that?

Tell her to give you a another chance.. If she agrees rouge, you need to plan A her.. Meet her emotional needs, eliminate your love busters, but dont allow her wayward stream of thinking a blossoming chance

This is exactly what I was getting at, Rouge. No time now, but I will try to dig up some Plan A and snooping threads. You keep reading (the Basic Concepts on the sidebar, e.g., as well as threads on the forums and Dr. Harley's articles on infidelity). The more you read, the better equipped you will be.

Do you want to save the marriage?

yes i want to save the marriage i do love her.

im not going to pay for her phone im just not going to have her pay for mine i will get my own and she can have the one i use now so she can drop the other line and only pay for the one phone.

and i have no clue how to access her phone records since she has changed the password on the account not sure how long ago that was done.

i also just found out that she has allready went to child support and filed for custody of the kids.

so with this bit of new information i am going to assume she is still lying to me and has no real plans on trying to save our marriage.

with her living with her sister and dad finances wont be a problem with her either i know her dad will give her whatever she wants he always has

Your wife is trying to convince you that her affair is over because she must be worried that you will have legal advantage if the truth of her affair comes out. She is still in the affair. If I were you, I would hire a PI TODAY and get the evidence of an affair. I would also hire an attorney and see if you can file on grounds of adultery. Playing hardball in this way is probably your best chance of saving your marriage because it will bring the affair out in the open. [through discovery, etc] It will also protect you legally.

I wouldn't be surprised if this OM is a married man. When a WW is this sneaky, that is usually the case. She knows if the affair comes out that the OM won't really dump his wife so she goes to elaborate lengths to protect the affair.

Was she married when you met her? How did you meet? Is this her first affair?

I know the is a Marriage Builder's forum and the purposes is to save marriages, but you need to WTFU and protect yourself and your children.

You wife moved YOUR children out of your house while you were away. She has already filed for custody. These are not moves she just decided on a whim, she has been planning this for some time now.

She is miles ahead of you on the legal front and and your are going to be playing catchup from here on out, no matter how it plays.

Saying to give her time and that she still wants to reconcile is just a ploy so that she can put more distance between you two on the legal front.

Separate ALL of your finances, today! Hire a lawyer, today, and see how you can obtain a paternity test. First you need to confirm who the father is, then decide how much you want to be involved in their lives.

Lastly, reconciliation will not come from you rolling over and letting her take your children, house, and money from you. Reconciliation will only come once you take charge of this thing and blow up her idea of a perfect divorce.