Probably whatever he is feeling at this point, you don't want to hear! It sounds like your husband probably has a real problem with demands, disrespect, and/or anger. If the two of you can agree to start giving each other the worksheets for these each week, the best approach is probably to simply mark down instances when the faces occur on the disrespectful judgments worksheet. Some DJs are non-verbal.

But in the meantime, simply tell him: "It bothers me when you make those faces." I would not get into it any more deeply than that: whatever he is thinking at that moment is probably something that is sure to cause a fight.

"I" statement translation;

"I would love it if you wouldn't make those faces when we are talking."

He makes faces because there's bad vibes in that house with the state of conflict and all. It's a big ball to get rolling, to make it a safe harbor. Where would you guys like to get out to for a few hours, that's already light and fun? I remember one guy posting about going to a comedy club a lot with his W in the beginning. Make it easy on yourself, you know?

Thank you God for letting the light shine through! Major break through tonight. We worked on some of our workbook together, good stuff. We hung out during the day had lunch and got ready for some Easter goodies. He took interest in a lot of things he normally would never

I also took everyone's advice on the facial expressions, I would like ..., describing, etc ... to him. I never realized HOW MUCH it really bothered me and could be the start to fights and my angry outbursts. Work in progress.

Also, can someone please forward me a key to all the abbreviations. Also curious to the DH, WS what are these in your sig?

I went back through my thread earlier and really sucked in all the posts. There were some really good ones, funny ones, firey and pissy ones. I didn't respond to a lot of them because I was irritated or emotional. Can someone please tell me how to quote on them for the future, I always mess them up.

Tgrace ... here is your quoting help you requested. Hope it helps and gratz on the break through.

Happy Easter and godbless!


You can actually look up BB codes on the net and use a wide assortment of them including bold texting ... colours ... size ... etc. all with BB codes. All the codes go in between the [ ] and to end the code so it goes .. you have to have the / in the second command like for instance I could bold this text BOLD using [ b ] bold [/b]

get it?

You can learn all sorts of BB codes here .. http://www.vbulletin.com/forum/misc.php?do=bbcode

edit: dont forget to preview your post to make sure its quoting as you would like it before ya send it.

You don't need to learn the bb codes. They all appear as options when you open the box to either reply or quote.

Abbreviations, acronyms, etc. here.

Glad you went back through previous posts. You'll find many folks here who are quite passionate in their beliefs. Most of them, you'll be able to get some sort of take-home lesson. And I think many people find that the ones that are the most maddening actually have some of the best lessons.

Anyway. Glad to see you guys making progress!

Abbreviations thread;

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2491630&page=1

Nice work with "I" statements, tgrace!

Remember, you can use similar statements to promote behaviors that you like from him as well;

"I love it when you hug me around the waist and kiss my cheek."

Those things are just as, if not more, important than eliminating his Love Busters (LB), so that he can fill up his Love Bank (LB$).

We all have some degree of varying and divergent beliefs, but there are some where people who have adopted MB are all going to be like ducks in a row.

That's because one of the things we do in adopting MB in our marriage, is to change many of our beliefs. Some things we change or adopt are exactly counter to what we believed before, and some of them were things we believed, but abandoned to survive in a bad marriage.

For instance;

Opposite sex friendships
"Snooping"
Unconditional Love
Complaining (and how it should be done)

That's a small list, but it's what comes right off the top of the head.

It all makes more sense once you see it working, but it's hard to not resist this at first.

In fact, Dr. Harley will often write in some of his approaches that they are seen as "radical" and that a lot of people don't agree with him... but who's got the results?

Right.

/bye bye, doubters!

tgrace, how is it going? Was hoping to see an update from you

Hello everyone, sorry I got caught up in getting ready for Easter!

What a difference a week makes! I know it won't be peaches from here on out but so many things have come to light and I feel like we are understanding each other's needs again.

So I asked Hilltopper how he would feel about me running for two hours early Saturday. He paused and he told me he really wanted to spend time together but that he really wanted me to go running. I asked him if it would help if I would wake up as early as possible to get it out of the way and spend the rest of the day together. Agreement made. Guess what, no stink eye when I got home and he asked me how my run was! PS I didn't change my underwear this time around.

We've done the questionnaires and started really having UA time together.

The efforts to do nice things have gone both ways. I made dinner a couple of days ago (Chinese which is my least favorite food but he definitely likes) and tonight I made roasted a turkey. Let me just say I really don't care to cook, but I did it because I wanted to, so that he could relax and take a break from it. Hilltopper has always taken the lead on cooking because he enjoys it and I always do the clean up. He's the cook and I'm the handyman in this household.

He bought me flowers tonight and a few running items to mention a few nice things. I have also noticed he is trying to listen more (huge pet peeve because my mother was a terrible listener and it has always been a priority of mine) and remember things.

Part of me can also tell he wants me to be ultra affectionate all the time. I have definitely risen to the occasion but I can tell he still wants more and sense a little frustration on his part. More hugs, kisses, cuddling and telling him I love him via text, in person, doing nice things etc ... I totally understand he just wants to feel loved. Still an impatient little bugger! Still no sex since the last escapade but I am definitely not with holding it and I can look beyond the comment. Plus who doesn't like sex when your not fighting. I am soooo much more attracted to my husband now that he has stopped his "faces" and is simply pleasant to be around. I know affection and SF are his number one need from me which is why I tried last week and I will continue to work on. Someone please remind my husband that when you have to ask "how to be romantic" it's kind of a buzz killer. I'm sure he can read up on it or get some advice from others. I have definitely clued him in on some of the things I like in general.

I'll keep you all posted and thanks for checking in

Ok, I am going to suggest a THIRD WAY. Instead of having a dinner that one of you doesn't like, make choices that you both like. <----that is the key to the POJA. Compromise = bad, POJA = good. If you eat Chinese, which you don't like, that will be a sacrifice. He will be gaining at your expense. And people who sacrifice tend to keep SCORE. You will remember that you endured Chinese for him therefore, he OWES it to you to endure something he does not like. When the score is not even, we tend to make demands to settle the score. Here is another post of mine where I explained how my H and I handled this:



Thats great that you know this because it gives you an opportunity to do a better job. Continually ask him HOW you can do a better job and then do it. You don't want him frustrated, you want him satisfied and in love.


You are the only one who is qualified to teach him HOW to be romantic to suit your tastes. YOU are the best person in the world to teach him that and that is both of your jobs: to teach your spouse to become an expert at meeting your needs. He can't learn that from some other woman; that has to come from *HIS* woman! So spell it for him, Grace. Don't make him guess.

You are doing great, Grace! Keep up the good work!

Thanks melody lane,

I am continuing to tell him what I like. I'm not expecting lance romance by any means, just a little element of surprise sometimes is nice, which I have related as well. But I understand what your getting at.

Congrats on the good stuff!

To echo what Melody said, he either has to go and ask a bunch of women what they like in bed or he has to go read a bunch of Cosmo articles which none will apply to how you like your intimacy.

He wants to know how to kiss you, touch you, and love you in a way that YOU get the mose pleasure out of. Basically he wants you to have the best time possible. So it shouldn't be a buzz kill but a chance to share and experience together.

Great sex takes communication.

Wait guys, I didn't communicate that well.

It's not the sex thing, the sex is great (no buzz kill there)!! I'm talking about being romantic in general. Like getting away for a night or calling his parents to watch the kids so we can go to dinner. I always have to call my parents to watch the kids. Romantic gestures in general. No thanks on the cosmo articles, that was my high school years. I will relate the romantic gestures.

I realize you think that spontaneity is what makes it romantic, but if he doesn't have a clue what you expect, he can't meet that need.

If you want him to be spontaneous, give him a list of 100 things he can do that you would find romantic.

Seriously. 100 things, 100 acts of varying size and effort.

That should give him enough selection to make spontaneous choices.

I am extremely irritated by my husband who is the MOST IMPATIENT, LECTURING, CRITICAL human being on the plant this morning.

He is a roller coaster of emotions that can't seem to be controlled or expressed properly! And the faces again, Ugghh. Soo unpleasant and makes me feel distant.

UA time wasn't the greatest last night. I was very tired from staying up the previous nights until midnight. Baby got her shots and I had to comfort her all day, exhausted and I let him know.

I will be back later this afternoon. I have to take care of the kids and meet his mother for lunch.

You sound pretty impatient and critical yourself.

When you allow yourself to think those DJs about your husband,it affects the way you treat him.


More disrespect. Do his feelings matter?
You don't seem to be the picture of perfectly controlled emotions either, btw.

Are ya'll scheduling 8 hours of sleep each night?
I'm tired in the evenings a lot, too (I've got 6 kiddos 6 and under). UA doesn't have to always be strenuous activity. It can be simple -- drink coffee and talk, play a light-hearted game, snuggle, etc.
Are you two scheduling your UA together? Are you making sure the activities you schedule are something you would love to do?

Are you more of a morning person? Would UA be better in the morning?

BTW, Hill is trying. He's not perfect at it yet, but he's trying. Open up your love bank to him and let him make deposits. When he suggests a bath, and you are not up to that, SUGGEST something else that you would be willing to do and that would make you feel loved/treasured/taken care of. Hill DOES want to take care of you.


Is meeting his mother for lunch something you enjoy doing?

Prisca,

Let's be fair now. You didn't give me a chance to respond. I've just gotten in an argument with my husband and vented on the thread. I feel like he gets so impatient and forces things that it impedes on any progress we've made.

He told me before I went to bed how I wasn't as affectionate and how I didn't sit next to him on the couch like the previous nights. I replied and told him I understood and tomorrow I WOULD SHOW him how he doesn't need to worry, I was just pooped.
I missed my run during the day because I was tired didn't feel like running. He was nice enough to say I could go out for a short jog, but again I declined and thanked him. Hilltopper was also extremely nice and offered to make a bath for both of us. Again I told him it would be better on another day and I would definitely like that.


Then this morning before I was even really awake he said in a condescending manner how he didn't like my body language last night and nothing was going to change. I told that I liked how he expressed his feelings last night and not how he did this morning. The faces he usually makes started and again we had a small fight and love busters were said on both sides.

He said things are spiraling out of control again and I told him no there not we're having a mini fight and it will be fine tonight and we will work at it. Hilltopper likes to force things and push the sense of urgency. If he would have simply given me a chance to wake up get out of bed and brush my teeth. I probably would have kissed him and told how I loved him and looked forward to our time tonight.

Later I told him I would get back to him and we would talk about it in the afternoon after I have lunch with his mother. He sent me two text messages this morning which I responded to and then he called me (which I answered). That doesn't sound a little impatient?

We've agreed to talk later this afternoon because I was doing a drop off at school and I couldn't focus.

Progress is being made, but how do I make him feel confident enough to loosen up and not be so impatient. Part of me now knows that it is totally important to give him contact every night whether it be the couch, kissing. hugging etc ... And part of me gets confused by his impatience. Trust me I'm working on his EN's. Quality UA time seems to be the right answer, right?

I mentioned it to your hubby to mention to you .. but I figured I should just mention it. Have you considered the herbal supplement "Maca Root" ?? Its got so many benifits that my wife was very skeptical about it when i first mentioned it. She gave it a shot anyhow thining .. "what do i have to lose?" So with her skeptical mind set .. she started maca ... after about 5 days she noticed a signifigant change in her energy levels .. and it had reduced her stress levels alot. IT also helped her libido. Maca root is a natural hormone balancer. I use maca root aswell because it reduces my recovery time on workouts and gives me extra energy. I also think my own horomones were out of wack and maca helped balance them back out again. I beleve i was producing too much testosterone and maca helped restore my bodies natural balance. Maca provides the natural ingredients to supply and balance your endrocine system. So regardless if your system is exausted or over producing, it allows your body to sort all that out and give you what you need. Take note it does NOT add ANY horomones to you at all ... it only allows your body to produce what is needed. Its been VERY effective.

Do some research on it .. its great! My wife will not be without it now since it has had such a large impact on her well being and her energy levels and it reduced my over producing testosterone lol.

Anyhow .. i mention Maca alot. But only because my wife and I are happy customers.

Oh and get the pill form of maca if you do, its got the starches removed from it (its a radish/potato type veggi from peru) so you only get the medicinal aspects out of it and not the starches.

BTW Great job on your previous EN meeting nights.. and your hubby SHOULD let you rest and not expect SF everynight, but maybe every other night or every 3rd night or something. You guys are doing great, just gotta watch the DJ's and the SD's and AO's, but with practice that will get easier!

MNG