Good to hear from you and glad you are busy.

Take care and keep on moving..

God Bless

Thanks C.P.! Catch up with all of you soon.

I'll keep it short MJ.


YAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

Keep busy, have fun, and get'r dun.

Thanks Itsa!

Hope all is well with you.

Gaaahhh! Just when I thought I was home free, I started having FEELINGS again for the stbx. Flippin triggers. And this after I finally found some anger over his complete and total disrepect for me our whole marriage, pretty much.

I've been thinking about just how much he has disrepected me over the years, and I feel angry about it. I'm angry that he accused me of being controlling, instead of happily protecting our marriage. I'm angry that when he discarded my feelings, and I spoke up about it, he accused me of beating him with the past. I'm angry that he could look me in the eyes, lovingly, and make promises he wouldn't keep. I'm angry because I thought he was going to be better than this.

I'm just angry, and everytime I think about him, all I want to do is say FU! FU for needing someone you haven't hurt to the core. He does bring out the FU in me.

Ok, rant over. I feel better. Back to my peaceful state.

Maybe I grew throughout all of this, and he didn't.

All I want these days is to be surrounded by people who are open, honest, caring, humble, and PRESENT. That's all I have room for these days. Weeding out the rest......

All in due time MJ. All in due time.

"Only the penitent man shall pass". My favorite line from Indiana Jones, The Last Crusade.

And remember, WOOOSSSAAA.

Sounds like a plan...

Yeah much better than a "Waterboy"

I think the anger will come and go. For me, it was a process of going through those stages of grieving. I bounced around quite a bit between anger and acceptance for a while. I feel pretty solidly in acceptance now but still have short flashes of anger. They pass and are usually brought on by her annoying behavior as we are still living together.

Through the acceptance I really detached and think I may finally be indifferent, and it feels great. It is so liberating to not have any feelings for her at all anymore. I think the combination of time and focusing on yourself are key.

You are doing great.

Sigh.




I will accept nothing less.



I am right now as I have dark chocolate and french vanilla decaf. Stbx who?

It's working for me.

Thanks for the encouragement. I feel out of my element dealing with the dark side.

Thanks SOL. That name cracks. me. up.

Thanks for sharing how you have made it as far as indifference, and can feel liberated from the mess/her. It does give me hope. How long have you been detaching? I'm impressed that you've been able to do that, while living in the same house with her.

I've been suppressing my anger for 8 months, which I still think was a good thing for me. I would have rather been depressed I think. Now that I'm feeling it, it's probably not quite as bad as it could have been. I've had time to process it more, and dilute it more, so the only anger I've expressed really are the rants I've made on here, and a little bit of ex bashing with some friends who know the sitch. The rest of it is in my head, and what I'd like to say, happen, or do.

I suppose I'll get over this bit of anger, and have to revisit again in the grief process some time down the road, as you mentioned. Probably when I hold our first grandchild for the first time, by myself. I guess I have to take the good with the bad. It's ok. I have confidence I will deal with that gracefully as well. Unless some young stud is waiting with me in the waiting room. My bad.

Just tired of the anger already I guess. Time for humor and fun, til the next time.

Thanks for the thoughts SOL.

I did a "heated" yoga class tonight, with a new instructor. I am already sore...lol...I'm not use to working that hard in yoga. I've also never done yoga with heat lamps. It's suppose to cleanse the toxins out of your body. I released a lot of FUs.

And that is healthy isn't it?

I remember a time, years ago where I was leaning to the dark side. How about a little story to go with your coffee and chocolate? Lol...

Ok , once upon a time, in a galaxy...

Nah J/K heres the real deal..

I got married young, at 18, and the challenges to remain true in the late 70s early 80s and not get to the point of feeling like a bummer or party -pooper were great for me. But I managed, because I felt I was young, and in the long run, what I stood for would be more valuable than a roll in the hay, and that belief and knowledge, along with the discipline I clung to, kept me in check. I was literally afraid to cheat.

So temptation was still upon me, with the girls that came on to me, and the general looseness of morals of the times, and the actions of most guys my age around me, there was not much support. The knuckle draggers also thought it was funny, while at the same time were wondering why all these girls liked and trusted me. If I wasn't just as strong as them, just as able to take a beating, work their hours, get down and dirty, and beat even the biggest of them in arm wrestling, they would have thought I was Gay. Probably the same for some of the women.

I was not going to let anything get in the way of my goals. I was a married man, a father, and I was gonna do what it took to do it right. I had learned from my experiences as a teen-ager, and that being afraid was a good thing, being fearless was for fools, and having fear and respect for the right things was my answer now. I was not the perfect husband, and was still insecure and maybe more obsessed with getting ahead and getting an education than what made me a "fun" guy, but then again, I had everyone rotf with my sense of humor. Yeah I was just a kid, but I was an enigma to most people because I was different.

But like all people I had my weak spot, and that was with the pride I had in having what I saw as a good marriage. That was what gave me strength, kept me going, and from what I thought, would eventually give us something we could be proud of. Of course, I was a workaholic, and stopped all the partying my W and I used to do in the past, no drugs, no booze, and social activity was pretty tame, just friends and family and home-life sorts of things. My W was not happy with this, and at first she dealt with it OK, but eventually it wore on her, and her sister convinced her we should move to where she lived. I did it to help her feel better, because her Mom had moved there also, and her brothers, after her Mom at one time lived with us with her younger brother. I also missed them because Mom was a great support for both of us.

Not to long after moving there, and taking two part time jobs...(Told you it was a story, its ok if it puts you to sleep BTW)...W began not coming home at night, and then left me and my Son. Yep, I fell apart, and all the drinking and drugs she had missed and the wild life she must have craved, because of course, that�s what life is all about right? (Freedom from reality and all that thinking it involves), was present for the taking at this new location. I was on my way back home with my son and on the day I was going to leave she showed up and wanted to go back with me. On the way home she told me she was pregnant, and oh yeah, she also told me she was raped once recently, but she was sure the child was mine...I was now 20, and all that I stood for and believed in was trashed because I was not man enough to keep my wife safe, and she also did not believe in what I did, or have the same convictions.. the perfect opportunity for the entrance of the Dark Side of life.

I was still trying to figure out the game. I was questioning what went wrong. what should I do now? How do I recover from this? Why did I leave that world of drugs and selfishness and being around children who used people to live a better life if I was all alone in doing it? My W must not agreed with me that I had picked the right road, so why did she want to get married so badly at 18? Why did she ignore my pleas that we get established before we have kids and stop taking the pill just before the wedding if she didn't want to go the distance in the marriage? Same old answer, she thought she could change me, and I worried to much, and I wanted to believe I was strong enough and she believed in who I was.

But the dark side was looming around the corner, at work where a 30 year old women who I had some chemistry with made plays at me, and I thought I needed to get even and reestablish my manhood somehow. Try as I might I could not bring myself to screw her anyways, and that just frustrated me more. I am shortening the build up of how an EA was first established and this happened over 6 months until I was determined I was going to win at the game.

The Dark side convinced me that I was a fool, that I had to get nasty, cold, unfeeling and vile to become a man and win. It had truly twisted me to make me think like it did. I even went to a therapist who laughed at me as he said, "So your problem is, that you don't like yourself because you have morals?" I am not a big believer in astrology, but later on in this tragedy of self-doubt and soul-searching, I read something about scorpios.(notice I purposely did not capitalize scorpio)... We are supposed to be very emotional,(blah excuse, convenient for anyone), and if irritated enough, lash out and like the actual scorpion, even be known to sting itself in their frustration. Well that�s a good analogy for how I acted for quite a while, hurt and wounded, and trying to toughen myself up. Yeah I know what a baby, and what a lonely boy.. lol.

I continued to second guess my better judgment until two years into my "challenge" relationship with my second wife, who I thought I needed to be tough enough to accept her waywardness and alcoholic problems, and be "strong enough" to forgive with no questions asked. I could be understanding, I could take it, I could be strong enough and grown up enough and live in a jaded world enough. I had really screwed myself up big-time, but now I had children with her, and was responsible for her now also, because I had started this relationship, and I could see who she could be, if she would only take care of herself. She had a short but in many ways effectual life, and that�s another tragedy I will have to learn to live with. To much to go into detail and do it or her justice really on this post.

My point is MJ, is that it is better that you know that you are out of your element when you are dealing with that "Dark side" of human behavior, and as you have stated, you are letting it go. I for years again has something to prove after my first marriage disaster, and it bled into all my relationships, but it was really insecurity, masked as bravery, and mixed up within who I really was inside. I had yet to let that painful time go, and I was still scared, and trying to understand things that made no sense. It reminds me of being hypnotized by the cold blooded force of reason and survival, until we can often lose what makes us human being with warm hearts and a sense of well-being inside, always on the defensive and worried. Its a set-up for us to run to shelter, or fix the past, instead of being happy with ourselves right where we are.

We were never supposed to understand the Aliens, and to try to bring us into a place that is unhealthy and scary also. I am still recovering from the bullchit I thought I had to learn to reach screwed up people, and the best thing I can do for them is ignore their bullcrap, and speak the truth as I see it, and live the truth as well.

Did you ever see "The last of the Mohicans?" There was a line when Daniel Day Lewis was talking to a chief referring to another Indian who wanted revenge for the slaughter of his village and the loss of his wife. He said.."(Whats-his-name)has become what has twisted him".

In Dumas�s "The count of Monte Cristo", there is a line the priest told him as he was was dieing, "Remember not to become guilty of the crime that you have been wrongly accused of and imprisoned for"

It takes more time than we sometimes are willing to allow for us to completely heal from damage in our lives.

Its a good thing that we don't try to figure out the aliens and rush things, at some time in the future things will reveal themselves for what they were or are.

Your doing good, now pass the coffee and chocolate Bogart...

Yeah MJ, its real important to let out the FUs.

Strenuos excercise helps me also, once I drag myself out of deppression obsession.

Its good to imagine the enemy, or whoever has hurt you, as someone you are fighting off.

Im a guy so I don't hit girls, but I would gladly hurt anybody who hurt my family, even if they are now hurting me by transferrance.

Keep in thier swingin gal. I am about to cut down my time on the forum, because I need to concentrate on other things. It is a great place with great people but I spend too much time here and i got things to do, people to see. KWIM?

Still will probably check in often, good people here.

MJ, I guess I've been detaching for a good two years. Involuntarily detaching for much of it, lol.

I started really trying to detach for the last year. It really started to work and to 'click' around last August. Nothing significant to help the process then, but I just sort of 'got it' and seemed to be more at peace and really realized that I'm going to be allright no matter what. That made it easier to purposely detach.

I wouldn't say I'm 'totally' there, but I do feel pretty indifferent, and that indifference is empowering for me.

By the way, that's the second time this week I've heard of this 'heat yoga' stuff. I've done regular yoga, and that would make me sweat. Can't imagine it with high temperatures!

Ya Know MJ,

I feel like we are somewhat kindred spirits. Now before you start worrying about some sort of phycotic episode on my part, let me assure you that I am phsycotic, and you don't have anything to worry about...

Seriuosly though, maybe its just me, I was a big Eagles fan since thier beginning, and had a good ear for music back then, but this artist and this song has allways struck a chord of truth and peace whithin me. The first time I was listening to it is when I was gone from WW for two years, hanging out with my DD3 yrs old, and she would beg me to play it as we sung it together. It really helped me heal and get strength. As I read the comments on the sites that talk about this song, it has done the same for many others.

The odd thing here MJ, was that I at the time was the one who left her for two years, for good reasons I felt, and W wanted me to come back so bad, and begging forgivness herself. I was the one who had found somebody else, and I saw it from her POV, and what it would mean to my children, if I could just forgive and get past all the pain.

It seemed she had changed, and would be complient to do anything to save our marriage. I would be lieing if I said she did not change at all, and was a different person then, and for awhile it was the best recovery, it felt that God was truly on our side, and had ordered our steps. I guess that is why I stuck for so long when she relapsed, because for that little while, we were unstoppable back then, and I could not let that go.

Yes its a tear-jerker, but I think it was you who I was talking to about letting it out in order to let it go, and that how stuffing it down keeps us from realease of painful emotions.

It will still be a rollercoaster for awhile with what you are going through, I hope my friend this can help you as through the years it has helped me to get down the "the heart or the matter" for myself. I included the lyrics because to me, a song is nothing with out the poetry and the lyrics are powerful and full of truth. Its really timeless..




Enjoy as you get those FUs out of your system.

I loved the song C.P. Thank you.

It's almost 3:00 am here, and soon I can't wait to come back with coffee and chocolate and catch up on that last post of yours. Had me thinking....

Hope your well.

{Late to the party, again.]

Thank you, Mopey! It does work as long as both parties are fully invested. You cannot do this alone.

(((Mopey))

Heres to all of us who are buyers.