Hi, I'm new to the forum. I've been reading the site for about 2 weeks now. Good stuff so far, but I haven't been able to find anything on sexual abuse. A little about me: 41, married 22 years, three children: 20, 18, 17. I am the pastoral intern at our church. On june 18 2008 I found out my wife had been having a 10 month affair with a co-worker. I had suspected, but she denied it until I caught her in a lie. After coming clean about that, she admitted she had a 2.5 month affair in 2001 with a coworker.
We are coming up fast on three years. She just admitted that she loved the second guy. She ceased the affair immediately, cut all contact, and has been pursuing reconciliation (we have stayed together through all this) with me. Here's my problem.. in 2000, We agreed for her to go to counselling because of a highly abusive alcoholic father, and to deal with her sexual abuse. She was abused between the ages of 4 and 9 by an uncle. The counselor basically used his time to hit on her... I found out and stopped it. A few months later, it came out he was sleeping with 3 other women he was counselling. One of the things he told her was that she would get better if she was more promiscuous. We have dealt with many issues related to her abuse from her father and uncle... My question is this: How does it factor in? She still claims I provided everything she needed and it was a desire to get the acceptance her dad never gave her. Am I missing something important? I am ready after nearly three years of work (hard, painful work) to quit. We never got counselling. I would have lost my job immediately and we quite frankly would have been ostracized in our church community and I wanted to preserve what little reputation she or I had. The other guys are totally out of the picture, but I really just don't trust her despite the fact that I have seen change and effort. I'm just plain exhausted. Any advice about the relationship between being sexually/physically abused and meeting needs of the person that cheated?

A painful past is no excuse or justification to cheat, you didnt abuse her. Infact, she abused you! The past isnt what caused her to commit adultery, it was her poor boundaries. She let herself into it not due to sexual abuse. The painful past is a cover up for the real situation.

What extrodinary precautions are in place to ensure another affair wont happen? Do you have complete transparency with her life? Does she still work with these coworkers?

Final question, how do you know she isnt having an affair right now?

Your church community shouldn't be above your wife's sin. You basically kept her sin secret. The xhurch should be the one place where this sin is condemned. The church sisters there need to encourage her to live faithful.

Are you affectionate towards your wife everyday? When your wife said she needed attention basicallt that means you arent/werent meeting her needs. I think you should both fill out emotional needs questionaires. Also if your ministry is keeping you super busy you should quit.

Wayward speech very evident with your wife, she needed to have sex and used in order to get acceptance? Puhhlease.

I would wait around here for many months to come, you ready for real marriage recovery?

CelticVoyager, welcome.

Question: have you reported this scum-bag predator who is posing as a counselor? Two reasons: it will give you a feeling of having some control over this, and because he is still preying on other hurting women! Please do so asap.

There are a lot of people who were sexually abused as children. Who had alcoholism in their families, poverty, abuse, etc., and those people never strayed from their marriage. These issues may be affecting your WW in some way, but they are not the reason she was unfaithful to you. Don't be distracted with these issues in the context of her infidelity.

Start reading here.

BTW, it's not lost on me that you placed your job as the number one priority over your marriage when it was time to address this affair. Your WW probably caught that as well. You'll need to correct that if you really want to make a better marriage. The marriage needs to be your No. 1 priority.

I am no expert but abuse is often used to explain "why" WS's do what they do. NOT! You had better have her place EPs and get some council on her Boundaries. Thats WS babble and us BS's way to help them justify, if it helps our pain just a little bit. Her problem is poor boundaries!

don't trust her despite the fact that I have seen change and effort

Tho I do understand your feelings It is lack of recovery from the Affair and building an Affair proof M thats your problem here. Trust is something you can never afford to a spouse especially if they have committed Adultery before. Understand that trust inst a luxury in your Marriage. In the right circumstances we ALL will have an A. Affair proof your M. Fill each others En's and problem solved.
Exposure tho isnt an option in my opinion. No job , less job, moving what ever it takes. Having her face to face with the consequence's of her A is a necessary piece of the puzzle. Without having to pay for her sins it is likely she will again justify them.

Sorry you are here but you will get some great advice. Do not think this is because of you and your actions or her prior mental abuse. We chose who we are and what we do regardless of our past. Get Dr H's books and read them. I also think Love and Respect is a good faith based read.

Hi CV, welcome to Marriage Builders. The issue is not her childhood, but that she has very poor boundaries around men. If you are still anxious about this, I would wager that your marriage has not recovered and that she has not changed her behavior. The childhood issue is a distraction from the present and focusing on it won't help your marriage. I would strongly suggest getting the book Surviving an Affair and taking a look at this article: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Additionally, Dr Harley mentions the childhood issue in his newsletter about the Requirements for Recovery:

Dr. Bill Harley: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details. here

Hi LoveCAG,

Thanks for responding. Yes, I understand what you are saying, and I agree. It was her own heart that let her loosen her boundaries. However, I do believe that nothing happens in a vacuum. We are in a sense the sum total of our life experiences and while it is not an excuse, I am looking more towards the factors leading up to achieving that mindset where she began thinking in a selfish way, and then acting on it.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but I put some pretty severe strictures on her to ensure she would not have another affair. She has to have her cell on her at all times, volume up, or if at work, in a place where she can respond. She has a five minute response time and has had to be accountable for her day, initially in 5 minute increments, but in 15 minute increments now. She does not go to the store or bank alone anymore. She is on the phone with me on the way to and from work. I know her work schedule and the people she works with. She has been completely transparent with everything she did and does. She doesn't even take her phone with her to the other room to talk to my mother unless she asks. I set a rule that she is not allowed to interact with any men unless I am with her and she has followed this. The one exception is her boss (who I know very well, and his wife is always present as she works with him as well...) I have all her email and cell phone passwords. The few times that guy tried contacting her, she immediately told me (and I blocked him) and he and I came to a little understanding. He has now moved several states away. He was in the military and i reported him to his chain of command. He was discharged from active service as a result.

ys, I kept her sin a secret for the most part (our kids know, her parents, and her brother and sister in Law). Love covers a multitude of sins I think, even the most base and evil ones. I do disagree, the Church should be the one place where she should find healing for this, not condemnation. It is where sinners go to find forgiveness and acceptance in Christ. Unfortunately, our current church is not set up to handle this...

One last thought on this post. She has voluntarily cut off all contact with her parents. This is mostly due to the fact that her parents have been working (admittedly) towards splitting us up. Her father had even lined up suiters for her in case she desired to leave me. Neither of us were aware of this until 2.5 years ago.

CV

Hi again,

Oi... Honestly I would like to say yes. The reality is I have better days and worse days. Over all I would say yes. Early on, I made lists of what she said she needed, and began working on those. We are planning on filling the questionnaires out. My ministry responsibilities ended 3 months before the affair, and I stepped out of my responsibilities for about a year to fix my marriage. I have only been back at it for the last year. It was during my hiatus that the affair took place.

Okeedokee, I'll give you my bona fides: I was sexually abused by multiple men and teenaged boys, starting when I was about 3-4 years old. I grew up in a poor, neglectful family with an alcoholic parent. I was the illegitimate child of a 15 year old girl.

My H? Wealthy family. Great school system. Doted upon as a child. Given opportunities. Loving parents and a supportive extended family.

Guess who had the affair.

You are distracting yourself and wasting time by pursuing this line of thought. Your WW had an affair because she had poor boundaries and an opportunity while you weren't meeting some of her needs.

I'd be ashamed of you if you didn't.

DITTO

Hi,

Thanks for the welcome! No. I did not report him and I should have. The girl's mom who found out did though. He has since moved to another state. You are right, my marriage needed to be my number one priority. I thought it was until October of 07. i can honestly say it has been since then. We have spent many counselling hours working through the years of abuse that she endured. She has clearly defined and held to her boundaries in the last 3 years.
Thanks for the link. I read through it a few times last week and again today. I must've read 150 sites over the last three years and JUST found MB 2 weeks ago. It has been a tremendous help.

CV

CV, one thing I have discovered through Dr Harley is that childhood counseling is a distraction from adult problems. One does not need to discuss their childhood to change adult behavior so it is discouraged by Dr Harley. Rather, it distracts from real problems and often causes depression and anger.

Thanks, that's why I am here. I *need* to recover. I feel like I have hit a wall to a certain extent. You say trust isn't a luxury, but aren't all types of relationships built on trust? Isn't marriage builders about rebuilding that trust after an EA? Sorry, I think I'm missing a piece. This is the crux of m problem in a large way I think. She has faced the consequences and repented and met every stipulation better than i think I ever could have. She quit her job a few weeks after the EA. The OM was absent during that time and when he was at work when she was there, a friend of mine who was there was able to monitor them to make sure there was no contact. I agree there needs to be repayment. What does restitution look like? Is simply following the rules and being what she was always supposed to be enough?

CV

Marriage Builders believes in boundaries, rather than trust. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries. Now, trust does come as a result of good boundaries, though!

here

here

Hi MelodyLane,

Thanks, I am rereading the article. I think my problem may be that not only am I not forgetting, I am not forgiving either. She has followed everything as it was laid out. I was for the first year and a half, kinda nuts. our family is still together, she has complied with everything. I believe she is repentant. She has taken all the precautions asked of her, and when I give her leeway, she does not take it for fear of breaking my trust of her.

So where does that leave us? I dont want to spend the next 20 years of my marriage with the same strictures she has had for the last 3 years. I am not sure that is healthy for either of us.

You'll understand that trust isn't a luxury when you realize the word that is missing in your sentence. I've put it there in red.

Would you blindly trust your business partner? If you both owned a business, and he said he would put the daily deposits in the bank without showing you confirmation would you be okay with that? Would you be okay with not getting a monthly statement from your bank confirming your personal bank account? If you're smart at all your answer would be NO. You would confirm that what you thought was going on really was.

Why would you blindly trust your partner with the most important thing you have - your marriage?

It would be unhealthy to not have these strictures in place. What was not healthy was the pre-affair state, because it led to an affair. Like Dr Harley said, "Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe."

I think what might be lacking in your marriage is a plan to restore the romantic love and an absence of balanced decision making that is based on both your input. That makes it seem like a lop sided marriage, where you are the daddy and she is the child? Does it seem like that?

You need to introduce a whole new dynamic to your marriage, where other 'priorities' take their proper place and your marriage is priority number one. It will require you to redefine your marriage. Can you do that?

What articles have you read on this site? Start here. These are Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. Read and absorb.