Well I just spent the morning reading your thread. I can't tell you how sorry I am that all this has happened to you and your sons. Affairs suck!

The fog that W's get into is crazy, scary and sad. To see someone you love change before your very eyes and forget everything but the OP is horrible.

I really hope you get your own attorney and fight like everything for your boys. You really are the only thing standing between them and some mom, who to me, has really given up her right at a sweet 50/50 split.

I know what it means to fight for a child and believe me, money can be made up later, the lives and well being of your children can't. Do you really want to give up 1/2 of Christmas, not to mention all the other holidays, because of a choice your wife made to not be part of the family?

You have put up a pretty good fight, don't stop now.

JMHO

HU

What are the actual odds of a man getting full custody. She is not doing drugs, that i know of, not abusing kids, just a pathetic excuse of a person and wife and mother. And up to the affair she was a good mom. Its not like she has a bad history.

I'd suspect, barring any substance or physical abuse, 50/50 is what the courts would want to do. Unless you can get her to agree otherwise...?

But definitely start keeping a journal of when and where she sees the kids. You'll want to have something to show that she's not always around and that you've been holding down the fort.

LM101

Are you in a fault or no fault state as far a D is concerned?

nESRE

I agree with the other posters who say get your own lawyer and fight for the kids.

She will try to keep them around for some facade of respectibility and probably treat them like anchors tied to her happiness whenever they bring up why.

I don't know if you are worried about OMs "connections" or any of that Bullchit, but you have decent inlaws and probably other sources that can help you monitarily in this fight, and yeah, its just money. You allready gave your blood sweat and tears all your life for what was good and right for your family, don't let this gut-punch stop you from doing it now. Continue to fight for the kids sake and Gods sake. Thats my advice.

i dont know. Missouri is where i am. I have not studied anything about the laws. I figured a court would make it 50/50 anyways, so if i settle for this and get out quick and painlessly as possible would be better.

Yeah check the law. LostM

Lost, sorry to say but it's been my experience that the odds are slim to none. Now I'm not a lawyer and can only base that on my experience in my own state (IL). Here, infidelity and other 'marital misconduct', plays no part whatsoever in regarding custody. In my case, my WW left me and the boys and flew literally 10,000 miles away to spend a couple months with her married other man. I had her own parents and sister willing to testify to the judge that I should be awarded full custody. There were many other issues as well. Even with all that, my lawyer gave my odds at about 55% chance of winning, and even if I did, it would be on a temporary basis and the long fight for final custody would take a very long time and cost each of us upwards of $25,000. I ended up settling and now have 50/50 joint legal and physical custody of my two boys.

Judges are reluctant to remove EITHER parent from their kids, barring extreme cases, which it sounds like the situation you are in. Sad to say, but as bad as our waywards are, they are not near bad enough to take away their kids. Other factors that weigh in are who has been the primary care-giver and for how long? I haven't read your thread yet, so who did most of the doctor's appointment, school teacher conferences, other activities, made breakfast, made sure they brushed their teeth?

When I was in your shoes, I wanted full custody and asked my lawyer what I could do to get there. He told me repeatedly that I would not get it, but if I was determined to try, I had to do a couple things. He said to start a hand-written journal detailing everything that happened that day. What the kids ate, what they did, who got them showered, tucked into bed, etc. Don't make it a slam on your WW. If she does some of it, write it down. If you did some laundry, write it down. You also need to turn into "Super Dad". If you run to the store to pick something up, bring the kids. If you weren't doing the things I mentioned, start doing them and documenting. He told me I would need a minimum of 8-10 months of this documentation to even begin to have a chance.

Realisticly, you should hope for the best but plan for the worst. Start the process trying to get full custody, and 'settle' for a 50/50 joint agreement, which is still better than what a lot of dads get.

I agree with NW, and you should have your own attorney too. In this divorce game, you need someone who is solely looking out for you and your kids. It doesn't have to be a bulldog-type attorney, as most judges really want some sort of agreeable joint parenting deal. I wish you the best of luck and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It does get better though. It really does.

Another thing that swayed me to settle was when my lawyer told me that once we agreed to true 50/50 joint legal and physcial custody, we were essentially telling the courts that we were each "OK" with the other as a parent. This put us on a completely level playing field from that day forward. Primary caregiver and anything considered prior to the divorce doesn't matter anymore. I am now continuing to watch her like a hawk and will document if needed for a future attempt to get full custody should my ex not be a good mother to my boys.

Don't settle Lost. I am living 1500 miles West because my WH and the OW did our separation agreement together and my WH took back me getting 1/2 his retirement for my ticket home.

My WH is deep, deep in his fog and I got the golden ticket. Missouri can be a state that sides on the side of morals. Document all the lies, cheating, etc. and get it to your Lawyer ASAP. I am working to get my WH visitation set-up and it will be very expensive for him to visit his kids. Below is what my lawyer and I are negotiating.

All visitation costs will be covered by WH.

WH will be granted twice per/month on the first and third weekends of the month. Drop off will be by an Intermediary chosen by Mrs. BS at Mr. WH�s Hotel room.

Drop off will be at 1900 CST on Friday and Pickup by the intermediary will be Sunday at 1700 CST same location. Child seats will be provided for WH�s rental car.

WH is granted two weeks between June 1 and August 15th, and will not be allowed consecutive years over son�s Birthday. WH will be expected to have this time scheduled by March 15th of the same year.

WH will not be allowed OCONUS visitation with children without court approval and registration with the US department of State.

Mr.WH and BS will split Christmas as such. BS will have children on 24 December and WH will have children on 25 December, with the alternative occurring the next year, WH will have children on 24 December and BS will have children on 25 December.

WH is expected to stay within the Omaha area unless approval is made two weeks prior to the visitation date by BS.

WH will be expected to adhere to these guidelines and failure to properly visit children will result with the State reviewing WH�s right to visitation.

Failure to adhere to the visitation schedule will result with these penalties:

1) Failure to visit children within a 30 day timeframe will result in a fine of $2000.
2) Failure to visit children from 31 � 60 days will result with a $2000 fine and review of WH�s visitation schedule.
3) Failure to visit children after 61+ days will result in $5000 fine and forfeiture of two week visitation in summertime and review of visitation rights by the Department of Social Services.

Go for the GOLD your four babies deserve you to kick some butt for them. My seven yo daughter is so mad at my WH that she wants to change her name. I decided to tell my kids about WH because I am following the advice of Dr. Harley.

Well im not made of money, but that doesnt sway me from doing the full swing. Ultimately she has been the care giver up until 2 months ago and now i am primary everything. She doesnt have a person really on her side. I'm trying to remain civil at the moment and end this on the best terms for the kids. At the same time everyone i know wishes she would walk away from the kids, but she will not let that happen. I would allow her to see them from time to time when it worked out, if she would agree to that. but she will not go for that for some reason. she seems to be happy without them and aggitated while she is with them.

Then the sad thing is, she does not need primary custody and can only handle, in the present wayward state she is in, the children for short time periods.

That is kinda the modus operandii for most waywards LM.

My wxh went from doting dad, to absent, not even hardly paying cs deadbeat and cheating dad.

Waywards do that.

I believe today however, that fathers are getting more rights. In GA they are, I can tell you, b/c my xh got more custody than he should have (1/3).

I would document everything and find out what she's doing. If there is risky behavior? (what I'd label the affair), have it documented by a PI.

Sometimes (hint hint) having overwhelming evidence of a nasty and very immoral affair, especially if you have video and financial and audio evidence (mainly video) of her cheating or even coming and going from night until morning showing she spent the night with her lover, can go far in OUT OF COURT NEGOTIATIONS.

You can easily sway a horrid wayward into trying to settle with you and out of court take care of things, by showing the wayward and their counsel some of your lovely evidence which is being enered into court. or even alluding to it and not showing it to them.

I finally got my xh to back off a year and a half after our divorce, and he got less of my son and began paying cs again when I threatened to go to court to show him cheating yet again on his affair wife with a twentysomething woman. Again, that would be labeled by any attorney as not only immoral and adulterous, but "risky" behaviors.

It is how you frame it. Do not give up LM. When it comes to the courts you go for jugular.

She's not seeing the kids? have each second she is not there documented. The kids cry for her and when she doesn't show up? Easy, show that her breaking promises to the children is creating "emotional problems" and that is hurting the childrens' well being.

Don't give up. Again, the right attorney can help you reframe all of this.

And definitely get a PI. That will up the ante and give you a winning hand. Most waywards who hate exposure, will go to enormous lengths imho, to keep you from playing a video like that in court, in front of everybody. I had a video of my xh and his mistress, walking into a hotel at a casino and his hand on her butt at check in. They even got video of them in the elevator going in together. Then they have them walking out holding hands the next morning and him kiss her goodbye. It showed him DIFFERENTLY.

It showed a wayward. Not a good father. Not a good husband. It showed a lying and cheating jerk.

That's what you aim for. Sorry, but that is just what I'd consider insurance. Get a PI.

well the evidence is there. I mean she is living with him as hard as that is for me and the family to take. i really dont want it to come to a messy battle in court. One day at a time right now.

I think there comes a time when you may have to switch for fighting to save the marriage, to fighting to get the best outcome for your children. There is no 'clean', non-messy way to do that. Just do your best to keep the kids out of the fray.

Get documentation/proof they live together.
It may come in handy some day.

PSUBIKER just did an update.
His Xwife was DENIED alimony because PSUBIKER could document 3 ways till Sunday that his XW was living with her affair partner.

"Winning!"
LINK to PSUBIKER

Good info to have there. thanks

Missouri D Laws

I only copied a small portion;



A dissolution of marriage may be granted on the grounds that there remains no reasonable likelihood that the marriage can be preserved and that therefore the marriage is irretrievably broken. If the defendant denies that the marriage is irretrievably broken, the plaintiff must prove one or more of the following:

The respondent committed adultery and to continue the marriage would be intolerable;

The respondent has behaved in such a way that continuing the marriage would be intolerable;

The respondent abandoned the petitioner for at least six months prior to the filing of the petition;

That the parties have lived separate and apart by mutual consent for at least 12 months prior to filing;

That the parties have lived separate and apart for a


[Based on Missouri Revised Statutes, Section


LM101
Sounds like you live in a fault state although I am no lawyer.

Do you really think your WW wants to be dragged into court along with her sleeezy POS low life crap A partner? How would she feel reading the petition and seeing A partners name mentioned as the reason? How would your children feel reading that document somewhere down the road?

For your children- Do you really want to show them that all this crap can occur with the A and "You just should compromise and get along"?

Is that the lesson you want to teach your children? Your really want your children to grow up believing that when harm and abuse is present in any form in there lives they should just roll over and take it? Get the best deal they can get to make it go away?

If your state truely is a fault state you can easily gather plenty of ammo to persue a court case. Sounds like her family may even help you. Don't talk to your WW about doing this just do it and blindside her. Up until now it seems you have been letting her run the show all over you.

Please don't roll over and just get along to be done. Teach your children to fight wrong and immoral behavior. Keep them away from the POSOM at all costs. It may be the best present you could ever give them in their whole lives.

They will also remember for the rest of their lives DADDY fought hard for US.

nESRE

I had a talk with her tonight, something i rarely get to do anymore. I talked with her about how things are and if she was happy. Asked her a lot of questions pertaining to her faith and where she was in life. Although it would be hard for me to let her come back home, I let her know that is where she needs to be. I know she has a big whole in her life and told her that the only thing that would fix it was to seek god and make things right with her family. I let her know the door was open for her to start making better decisions with her life. She seemed to listen. I told her it was not to late to seek counseling and make our lives better for us and the kids. I wanted her to know that is was not to late to salvage things. I confronted her with a lot of known issues and that if she pursued divorce i would continue that avenue even tho i knew it was the wrong thing to do and i know deep down she knows it to. She actually seemed to listen to me for the most part. I felt there were a lot of things i needed to get off my chest and feel better about doing it. I want her to think about things a little more before its ended. I think my ww has almost if not hit bottom and she seemed to take what i had to say. If not Div is in the future.

With that being said, thanks for the info nerse.

Well she is going ahead with divorce. She has contacted a lawyer which i spoke with today and the beginning processes are started. Damn it hurts. I have been preparing myself for this, but it still hurts the same as the day it all started. We have come to an agreement so far on everything as far as house and vehicles and such with an agreement on 50/50 kids with me be being primary.

Its still shock and i still try to get through to her some. But i cannot believe how it still affects me so much.