WPG, I just wanted to check on you. I'm thinking of you from my little corner under the carpet

I'm doing OK...thank you for thinking of me! (cue Patrick Swayze: "Hey, nobody puts Tawandabelle in a corner!"...I am a pop culture geek, ya know!)I've been staying away from the forums, and honestly wasn't going to come online tonight but just got stuff on my mind.

No new developments w/H, no changes. I still miss him terribly, it's kind of like a sore tooth - hurts like heck but I keep going back and poking at it, if that makes any sense...

What's really been on my mind today isn't my M, though. I had my annual "lady doctor" appt today. During the exam he found a mass in my abdomen. Could be an ovarian cyst, I had a history of those during both my pregnancies, but the doc wants to do an ultrasound on me to make sure. I've had a little pain in that area off and on but didn't really think anything of it, it never lasted long and it wasn't an everyday thing. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared of what it could be, but chances are it is nothing, so I keep reminding myself of that. It's just one other thing to stress over, KWIM?

Other than that, doing OK. Trying to keep busy. Plenty of stuff around the house to do and with nice weather this weekend, I'm hoping to do some work outside. Never much been the work-in-the-yard type but I'm learning all kinds of new stuff lately. I even bought myself a home wiring how-to book... I'll update (hopefully not that I have been electrocuted) if and when anything new happens!

Hope all goes well with the ultrasound, try not to worry, doctor is just making sure, a little time for peace of mind...............
I love the outside work........there is a lot of satisfaction and accomplishment doing that kind of work.
jessi

WPG, you'll be fine, my moms gone through something similar.

Only real danger to you is if you get to graphic with the lady doctor stuff, you'll chase SMM and I off your thread:)

Just trying to make you laugh.

actually could do with a little distraction WPG. we are all pulling for you. i'm dealing w/ a still foggy W in the throes of her A. feeling good overall bc that is all you can do. you are there too. in the end, it is about you. your H is in God's hands. you have your 2 beautiful children and "this too shall pass."

WPG, I haven't ever posted to you but have been kinda following your story along... I am rooting for it to work out with you and your H


It was creepy for me to read this because I just had a similar experience... Anyway, I know how scary it is, but I keep telling myself most of what they find turns out to be benign...so stay positive. Keep us updated. ((WPG))

I'm glad to know folks are rooting for us...a restored M is still what I want with all my heart, and I could use all the positivity and prayers I can get!

I'm doing OK...went back to the doc today for the u/s (I have to choose my words carefully so as not to run off Reynolds and SMM... ). He thinks now what he felt in the initial exam was a large fibroid - apparently I have quite a few of these which have developed in the last few years. Never had them before. The other item that turned up is there is a cyst-like structure on my one remaining ovary. He didn't see anything that made him think the cyst was malignant so for right now is just going to keep watch on it - another u/s in 2 weeks to see if it has changed in size at all. I'm relieved that he's not overly concerned but he did say the possibility of surgery remains if it continues to grow, and that could mean losing the ovary. Yuck.

Things are pretty much the same with H and me. He's been a little more communicative and friendly, maybe, but I'm not reading into it or getting my hopes up. It is what it is. It's like I don't trust anything that's even remotely positive anymore...and that probably sounds awful, considering that I was the one who was wayward. I'm continuing to try to move forward and when I have the opportunity, still trying to meet his needs. Some days are better than others. Yesterday wasn't a great day, but I chalked that up to being sleep deprived (stayed up too late painting) and being worried about the dr...and just Mondays in general. I hired a carpenter to do some of the work around the house. Installed new flooring upstairs, and he should finish the staircase tomorrow. It's bittersweet, because I love the changes, but H and I had planned to do most of the work ourselves. But I figure one of two things - I am either working hard to make a beautiful home for him to come home to, or I'm increasing the resale value. And the added plus is that I have plenty of work to do to keep me busy and my mind occupied.

It's a struggle to keep that balance, isn't it?

I can see it in your post. You want to crumble, but you know you want to leave the door open.

Consistency. That is part of your personal recovery, WPG. You have to get some emotional gearing.

A little off topic, but;



What was the point of that?

Well, hopefully to elicit a chuckle. However, there is also a little bit there; "I have one gear; GO!"

You gotta downshift, gal. That's part of that whole "Tommy Boy" thing you do. Just can't feel something halfway, and it makes you chomp at the bit.

Keep maintaining that balance. The ball is in his court now.

Hey WPG,

I hope it's nothing serious that requires surgery.

As long as you still have contact with your H and he has not filed for divorce, there is still a chance. But in the meantime just take care of yourself, your home and your children.

On the bright side, no matter what happens you have become a person that you're happier with, learned a lot about marriage and boundaries. So you will get a chance to either apply it to this relationship or a future one.

Just do what you can...some things you can change and that is you. Some things you can't change on your own, and that is how your H reacts, thinks and what he does. Worrying about things you can't control just leads to unhappiness...at least what I have found.

Take care and I wish the best for you and your family.

(((WPG)))

Awesome string of posts going on!

Thank you!

For some reason I periodically torture myself with reading stuff that H wrote over the past year. Some days it is email, some days text messages, and today I went back and read his old thread again. He repeatedly described me as "evil." Which is a descriptor I deserve, at least during my A. But that really wasn't what got me today. What got me was reading what he wrote, and it finally sinking in that he's done. What I did is just too much for him to move past and build a new life with me.

I don't know, just kind of brings some kind of finality to the whole mess. I saw in his words how I could never do anything right for him. I was always damned if I did, damned if I don't. I deserved the distrust after what I did, but it does hurt to look back and realize that nothing that I did helped in any way. I tried to show him that I love him, but it just didn't resonate with him.

He didn't deserve what I did to him. We had problems in our M, but I could have left him years ago. I could have done anything but what I did.

In a way, I almost believe that his mind was made up to leave last January when he found out the A was, in fact, a PA. But if his intention was all along to leave, then why didn't he just go then? I gave him a card one night, after January, after him knowing everything. I wrote that I promised to love him, today and every day. He gave it back to me with his own message written inside:

"I choose to love you!
I choose to stay!
I choose to believe you!
I choose to forgive you!
This is my promise."

He told me I may need to remind him of those words when things got hard and he felt like giving up. He told me that he would never break a promise. I've carried that card in my pocketbook ever since. But I think I have realized that I don't believe those words anymore.

I think there will always be a part of me that hopes we'll find our way back together again. But that ball is in his court. And I will regret what I did every day for the rest of my life. I will do what I can to make up what I have done to my daughters and be the best mom to them that I can be. But nothing will ever be enough to even begin to offset what I did to him.

I know some people will say I got what I deserved, and I'd have to agree. No WS is ever owed a second chance. None of us WS's can honestly say we deserve a second chance. It is only through the grace of the BS that any of us are allowed that second chance.

I still think MB is an awesome program and I truly believe it can work miracles in marriages IF both spouses are committed to doing the work, and I am grateful for all the knowledge that I've gained...but even Dr. H says not every M can or should be saved. I guess my M is in that category.

Wait and see, WPG. That's not a bad mantra...

I am sorry for your pain, WPG. Your sadness and remorse is evident.

As a BH 5 months past D-Day, in what might be called "recovery" I can relate to where your H is. I wish I could read into his mind and know what his motivations are, and what he's feeling under the pain and grief that clouds his mind.

But I can relate to the feeling of nothing ever being enough, and where your H is coming from. My W has been wonderful at showing affection, cooking dinner and making me lunches, being thoughtful and telling me all kinds of words that counter the things she said during the A. And it still doesn't feel like enough. No matter how many words she says, no matter how many wonderful dinners she surprises me with--nothing can ever, EVER replace what was taken from me. The exclusivity of marriage will never return.

It's very clear why Dr. H says the real risk to recovery comes from the BS. So many attempts at filling a $LB seem to be suffixed by "this was nice, but I still don't have what I lost."

It is a constant struggle. We as BSes need to reach a point of acceptance... not accepting a dismal, unhappy marriage but accepting that we can never have back what was taken from us and striving to be happy anyway. The same way we would accept the death of a family member. I am not there yet, but I haven't left my M because I hope I can be.

Your H would not have stayed so long unless he has some glimmer of desire, somewhere deep within him, to reach that acceptance. It's true that it's too much for some BS's to overcome, and maybe your H is one of them. I don't know. But you have the right mindset, are showing more remorse than any WW I have seen or heard about, and you are taking responsibility for everything that is yours and showing appreciation at your 2nd chance. I know it doesn't seem like much consolation, but all you can do is clean up your side of the fence and in the long run you will be a stronger, happier woman no matter what happens to your M. You can pray for your H and try to lift him up out of his despair (he needs it, even if he is outwardly aloof and apathetic). But it ultimately is up to him...

I wish my WW was a little more like you. Hang in there.

Make no mistake, it is a death. It's a murder, and it was committed by the person we loved, trusted, and held most dear in this life. It's a murder of the past and the future, of hopes and dreams. All of those hopes and dreams we associated with our spouse have been stricken down, and yet they remain standing before us.

Yes, we can heal. Yes we can move past it. Yes, we may forgive. These are things we have to work towards. For some of us, however, it may be something that goes so much against our core convictions that it may be impossible.

Even for some of those, though, time can tell the difference. Once we move past the shock, once we move past the anger, the pain... maybe once we just let it all go to dust, maybe we can pick up and begin again.

That will take time.


WPG, a thought;

What your BH may have done initially, was to do what he thought he had to do as a husband and a father; he remained strong and delayed his own grief to be the strength for his wife and children. He probably was nowhere near prepared when the actual emotion of grieving began.

He had quite a serving of grief last year, didn't he?

WPG, I know it's hard, and things seem hopeless... but, damn you, DON'T GIVE UP NOW!

I've told you before, you don't freaking give up until that D is finalized, and even then maybe you should keep pushing, keep trying.

wulffpack girl,

I'm sorry you are still hurting with all that has happened to your life.....I am a BS as well and I can relate to the pain your husband is feeling......I think the worst part for me is that my life changed and I gave up the precious parts of my life and I didn't even have a choice in it.........Then I am faced with trying to make sense out of decisions I didn't make, it all seems so unbelievable to me that my husband of 25 years would treat me with so little respect.........It is a hard pill to swallow, to understand, to accept that my life will never be the same, the fact that my vows don't stand any longer.........and all because of a selfish decision.
But I have trying to figure this all out for 18 months now, and my husband is like you he truly regrets his decisions, he cries more than I do.........
He is the man I have always wanted but my mind wanders to how my life has changed, it isn't easy..............I would just keep trying, if you can spend any time with him, show him and keep showing him that you regret what you did, show him the love you have for him......even if he doesn't respond.........maybe one day he will and it will be worth it ......you are worth it now.....he is worth it. I agree until you sign the divorce papers you try..........what your husband forgot to take into account was '"YOU AND YOUR STRENGTH'
I for one am going to keep my fingers crossed for you ............
jessi

Does your husband still come on here? Someone started a BHs clubhouse over on other topics. Its call "no gurls allowed".

He should come by, have a brandy and shoot the poop with us. It just started but we already have several guys talking about it.

Might get him back into MB, maybe good for him. Anyway not sure if he'd be into it. Tell him there's a dress code, and bring his own cigars.

And don't give me his screen name cause I might call him out a bit.

thanks all - I know, he's had much more grief and loss to deal with than me over the last 2 years. I feel guilty for feeling and expressing the pain I feel, because his pain and loss is so much more than mine. He didn't ask for any of it - like you said, jessi, he is having to deal with the aftermath of decisions he didn't make. On top of losing his M, he lost his father. And me feeling hurt, well, I caused this, so I certainly can't blame anyone other than me.

And it's not that I'm giving up, precisely...I am working on me, as a person and as a mother. Cleaning up my side of the fence. I still commit to working on being positive and avoiding LB's in my interactions with him. I'm learning new things. I'm trying new things. I started playing piano again and making jewelry. I've been working out again. I realized that I do enjoy posting to folks on the forum and I shouldn't avoid this place, because in some ways it's cathartic and maybe I can contribute something that will help someone.

I continue to maintain EPs and boundaries. It's funny, I've had people IRL tell me I should go back on FB (they don't know the real reason why I got off FB). I've even had someone tell me I should start dating again. OMG, seriously???? Stupid suggestions and in no way helpful in cleaning up my side of the fence - if anything, they'd make it a million times worse!!!

I just don't expect that anything I do anymore will bring him home to me. So I have to clean up my side of the fence for me, and for my daughters, not for him.

@ Reynolds, I don't think he comes on the boards anymore. He may read, but he doesn't post - hasn't posted since last year.

And let me add, as a FWS, it means a lot more to me than you all will ever know to get support, input, and positivity from BS's on this board. Thank you.

Change of subject - had my follow up w/the doc today - the mass is unchanged - hasn't shrunk or grown in 2 weeks. He said that was a good sign (guess it is better to be the same instead of growing!). Still doesn't see anything that makes him think it is cancer, but he's just not sure what it is. Said there was no way to tell unless he went in laproscopically, and he wasn't ready to do that yet. I'll go back in early June for another u/s and if it is still there he said he may order some bloodwork done to try and figure out what was going on. Still a little anxious about it but he said if he was really worried there was no way he'd wait 6 weeks to check it again. Fingers crossed.

WPG,

Something you just said above really struck me as an idea...

You mentioned that one of your friends suggested you start dating again? I think that's a great idea. But not the way she was thinking maybe... Have you considered asking your H is he would be interested in just "dating" you for a while? Kind of like a fresh start. The idea of dating has the idea of newness with it, and I wonder if this might help him. It's kind of like going back to square one, but dating also carries that idea of spending good time together, talking (even if its small talk), just being around each other in a non-confrontational way.

lay some ground rules for the dates... No kid talk.. at least not serious talk about the kids.. No finances... approach it like dating a new person... see what happens. Think he'd be up for that?

cv

That is a more difficult task than a lot of people imagine it should be.

It's hard to not talk about your kids with anyone, let alone your spouse.

They are a significant part of your life, you know?

Hold,

I understand. I guess the point I was making was that, as far as possible, make it about *them*. Reconnect... I knew my FWW was having an A almost immediately, Just didn't have evidence. I started forcing her on dates... It won her back. We continued afterwards... It won me back. Our kids are older (20, 18, 17 now), so in a sense, it was easier because we didn't have the baby sitting issues and things that go along with younger kids. But hay, improvise, adapt, overcome! what worked for us may or may not work for someone else.

CV