No, His phone is supplied by his company. I can't touch it, it is password protected blackberry. Could be legal issues with that too.

But anyway, I do plan on buying the var today, but I am terrified to use it. I'm afraid it will fall down or he'll see it or something.

Plus, I don't know how to handle the sitch this morning asking him about the txt messages and not letting me see it. I was planning on having a talk with him about it, but not sure about my angle. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Many have used the VAR with good results. As long as you don't tip him off that you are trying to get info on his affair, he won't think to look for one.

Did you see the post by SmilingWoman earlier in the thread? Her H is in IT and she installed a keylogger and he never found it. I would go ahead and download one. eblaster is the one I have seen recommended here...

Really I would do both of these things today...

Use velcro to attach the VAR. Just be careful when you remove it to listen. Don't attach it to anything removeable, like a baby's car seat.

Sapphire,

My advice would be to set a time when you won't be interrupted by kids. It may have to be later in the evening, but not too late. no one thinks straight when they're exhausted. Be forthright with him. Tell him you are sorry for the way you came off, but you have legitimate concerns, especially in light of past A's. Tell him that the way for him to build trust is best served with him being honest and open. If it's a work related text, who cares? I mean does anyone really want to read someone else's texts about hexidecimal?

If it's not, then ask him to be honest and show you both his sent and recieved box (if he hasn't already deleted it.)

Additionally, I am guessing that you really want this to work. Tell him how important the M is to you. In the meantime, gather the evidence. If the VAR falls out or whatever, so what. You are doing this because you love him and love protects, nourishes, corrects and confronts.

Be strong! You can do it. I know you can.

CV

CV, I understand your W confessed her As to you after you confronted her but that is not typically what happens.

My advice, Saphire, would be to try to keep the conversation light and stay away from relationship/A talk. I wouldn't ask him for the phone since you just tried that and he refused. Continuing to bring this up just alerts and reminds him to cover his tracks.

Have you read the Carrot and the Stick? I will be back with a link...

Carrot & Stick of Plan A

Okay, get this. H just called me from work,before going into a meeting. He asks if he should stop by the store and pick up something for dinner--acting really nice n all. Like this morning texting issue never even happened.

Any ideas on how to handle this? should i ignore it too for now. this is all so stupid and crazy

Well, I should have read susies first. looks like she or others would think to let it go for now?

Yes, read the carrot and the stick. Make the house and conversation inviting. Stop with the R talk and just try your best to be pleasant. Tough I know but do your best.

If you feel an angry or emotional outburst coming on or you feel you can't bite your tongue, have an exit strategy ~ busy yourself with the kids, a chore, or run an errand but stop trying to talk to him about the A...

Yes, go with what Susieq is advising you. They have faaar more experience doing this than I do.

CV

Well, order some $$$ food !!!!!!

Then, get dressed up.

Saphire, how did it go last night?

Well, he got home and he and i both acted like nothing happened. He was distant. I would stand next to him and he would step slightly away. I finally stood just about face to face and i moved in and kissed him. and, we actually had a very nice kiss. at least i felt it inside. i don't know if that is what he felt.

He has had a tendancy to be a bit arrogant since all this started back in January. It's like he knows i want to touch him and he just backs away, like he's waiting for me to make a move or that he doesn't want me to touch him. I don't know which.

I've been depressed today. I got a var, but didn't use it and i was going to order a gps, but didn't. i am torn. I frequent the "Divorce Busting" website as well and their philosophy is exactly opposite of this sites and it all confuses me.

He has a camaro, truck and motorcycle. He uses each at different times. I just realized the other day that he has hid the keys to the camaro when not in use. i have no way to enter that car now. Back in Jan, I searched everything and he knew it. He is so much more careful now.

Part of me wants him to just move out, you know, so i can just be done with all of this. He has been saying things to keep me on the line, yet doesn't seem to do the actions that would help. However, out of the blue, he came over to me while he was getting dressed this morning and hugged me in such a wonderfully loving way. it is so confusing. He told me to have a great day and walked out of the room. I called him back in and told him I loved him. I was so warmed by his loving embrace the moment before

So, you're all gonna be mad at me but i feel stuck. We are supposed to go on a vacation in June (I say supposed, becuase i am afraid he will come up with an excuse to not go), and he will be going overseas for a week in 2 weeks. I was going to rent the gps, for 30 days, but i won't get a lot of use out it, especially if i can't figure out what vehicle he is going to be using. I thought he'd take his camaro today, but he took the truck. Plus, i still am at odds with the stratedgy.

Today, I looked into doing some volunteer work at 2 senior centers. Although it will be good for me, it makes me sad becuase i already had a way of life and doing this makes me feel the agony of why i am making changes. Although I don't really have any friends to hang out with, so hopefully i will meet more people, but they will be seniors and not my age.

Today, I talked to a contractor friend, he does some work for me and he listens nice. He suggested i just let my husband move to the big city 3 hours away without me and get on with my life. If it's going to work it will work out sort of attitude. i don't want to move if i have to live like this somewhere else. my husband is an executive and i see him climbing the ladder further, we are so different from each other now. He is so uppidy and "important." I'm just a stay at home mom with lots of wonderful talents, but not very interesting to him anymore. I just can't compete with that corporate life.

I know, i'm very winey right now. My mood changes constantly and i think about this crud way too much. Okay, so hit me with your 2x4.

You know, I am wondering if I should just give up. This is my moody mood at the moment. If he doesn't "feel it" for me anymore, what can i do. I feel like his carpet. I know for a time, he will take care of me financially, I haven't talked to a lawyer, but most people have told me that.

The other day when we were talking, he had told me that he wanted to talk to me becuase he knew how important it was to me. At that moment, i had given him the impression that i was giving up on the R. So, we talked, and said we would go away and do something together. I told him that he need to start letting me in becuase up to this point, i was left out. He also said he couldn't promise me that he wouldn't have another affair on me.

Anyway, when we were done, he asked if I thought things were better and i said, well yes, i thought we were over. Then he abruptly got up and said he was going to take a nap. just like that. Made me feel like he just wanted an assurance the i wasn't going to give up yet. But, as soon as he had that assurance, he went back to his old self.

Does he not want to lose me or does he not want to be alone yet. Obviously, whoever he is seeing, must be married, as far as i can tell, he doesn't really spend much time with her. And, NEVER on the weekends. My friend today pointed to me that that was probably becuase she was with HER husband and family.

He used to pay so much attention to me, now he seems annoyed by my presence at times. I'm not sure if I can get that "love" back or if i even want to. He's had several affairs and said in the past that he was "broken." He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Like he can't control himself. At the begining of all this, He said that he never let his past affairs "interfere" with our marriage. I guess he decided to break that rule on this one.

He's got so much POWER. I WANT THE POWER BACK!@!!!!!!!!

If this were me, this comment alone alone would be enough reason for me to file for a divorce.

I think you should 100% believe he is telling the truth.

Go see a lawyer.

Sorry.

So since MB advocates fighting the affair, I take it if they advise the opposite that means to do nothing about the affair, is that right?

The only thing I know about that site is that a bunch of their members came here a little while ago basically saying they didn't have much success using that site's methods and that they were booted for trying to tell other members to use exposure.

Anyway, let me ask you this: you haven't been snooping or working on killing the A since this started in Jan. How exactly has that been working for you?

Susie, you are right, It's not been working. I know i need to do something and do it quick.

I agree with Pepper. He has said several times that he is "broken" and may have another affair in the future. But, i did feel he was saying that as he IS CURRENTLY in one now and covers his tracks by saying so.

He is having another one and is hurting me now and I am so tired of the Bull Sh#t. I feel so much more empowered when i'm angry. but it doesn't stay.

I am torn between snooping, being his "friend" and booting him out the door.

We are supposed to go away for the weekend and do something fun together. I am going to aks that he NOT take his cell phone, so i don't have to think about him txting his girlfriend. I live in La La land, don't I?

I'd like to see how this weekend goes. I need to suck it up and get to snooping.