i was divorced when we got together she had never been married but had been in an abusive relationship but that was a year prior to us starting to date.

we met through a mutual friend

as far as i know this is her first affair and i believe that this is the only affair she has or is having

Please listen to this advice. Your wife is only tossing around reconciliation talk to throw you off her path. You need to get a good attorney and a PI.

Rouge, I am reposting this comment because it is absolutely TRUE. You will not help your marriage or your wife by participating in the destruction of your marriage. Dr Harley said the exact same thing to this caller on his show yesterday named Joe: radio clip from 4-19-2011

i know it takes 2 to make a marriage work and even though i want to try and save this marriage am i wasting my time and what emotional strength i have left in even pursuing this i would appreciatte some honest feedback

ive called several lawyers and cant afford any of them legal aid here in ohio wont help with these types of cases any ideas.

thanks everyone

Wow. Rouge, I am sorry to hear that your wife has set things in motion regarding custody.

You are WAY behind at this point, but you can start catching up. I'm not sure what to advise on the legal aspect, but in the meantime, you can try to up your game on snooping and exposure.

Exposing an affair is a huge hit to the adulterers, as it serves to dispel the fantasy that affairs thrive on.

Similarly, the more you dispel the fantasy of an amicable and easy divorce that your wife seems to be smoking, the more of a chance you have to fight for your marriage. Seems counterintuitive, but it works.

Only you can answer if you've got the time and emotional strength to do this. You've got a lot on your plate, but if you get a chance to read through some of the threads here, you'll get an idea of what you're signing on for.

Right now you may think the recent discovery of your wife's infidelity is the hardest part to get through, but it really is only the beginning. Recovering from an affair is a long, hard row to hoe. It's possible, and a great marriage can come out of it, but it is tough going for some time.

Rouge,

Your wife is at war with you. She is going to lock you out of seeing those kids. You can request legal aid to help you. Many courts will help you file forms for free.

File a complaint on custody of your kids. The courts will determine paternity. Also file for divorce on grounds of adultery.

YOU CANNOT afford not to get a lawyer. Take loans out if need be.Your wife will take you down if you dont act.

Get to the courthouse-like yesterday.

What could happen is she will get a protective order against you if you dont do anything. Chances are she has been getting legal advice for awhile.

Tell us what goes down.. File for custody, file for divorce, get paternity test, and get a lawyer right now.

Rouge,

Don't have much time right now. Demand a DNA test of the children right NOW! You have serious problems and you are about to go down the drain if you don't stop thinking up reasons not to take action and instead take action.

If she says she wants to save the marriage, ask her what HER PLAN is to save the marriage.

God Bless,

jL

ok talked with my wife and got some good results.

i know who the OM is and there has been no contact with the OM for 6-7 months

we have agreed to work things out and my wife has moved back in with the kids.

her reason for leaving was she couldnt keep the secret any longer and was afraid that when she told me that i was going to try to take the kids and leave her.

we know this isnt going to be easy and that we have alot of work to do to fix this marriage she has agreed to come here also so we can both work through the programs together and we both know that the affair wasnt the only problem in the marriage and that we both need to work hard to fall back in love with each other again.

Who is the OM? Is he married? How will she ensure that there is no contact again?

And what about the parentage of the children?

I will remind you that she has still filled for custody , please do not assume she has any form of integrity or she is doing this because she has suddenly seen the light. For your own protection , she must legally revoke the custody request and you need to start being a lot firmer on the minimum boundaries she has to commit to. Just because she has come home does not mean she has changed , do not fool yourself.

If she unable or unwilling to commit to full transparency in everything she does then she is not committing to you.

Here is my read of the situation;

Your wife is in an affair , has first child, there may be some uncertainty as to the father, they carry on affair as she is in love with OM , she has second child, this time there is greater uncertainty as to who the father is or the OM is the father. The affair bubble burst when your wife tells him and suddenly he is no longer interested, after all having sex with a woman married to another man is far more exciting than having to live with her.

Your wife now has a problem , she can lie but she knows that somewhere down the line there is a chance a test or circumstance may question paternity of one or both children. The OM has ridden off on his charger and she is now in a pickle. I believe if the OM had said he wants her to move in with him that today she would be with him.

Her returning to you is her plan B , this sound cold and clinical but you must be certain of the truth and her original intent . You cannot and must not be blind to what she has done and what she planned to do.

While in your heart you may love her dearly think with your head , an affair is unpleasant , if one or both of your children are the OM's it will hurt even more but living with the uncertainty that she is only with you as a backup plan will destroy any chance of a loving happy marriage.

I am also skeptical that NC has been in place for 6-7 months... Why would she move out NOW, then?

Sorry to put a damper on it all, Rouge, but it still doesn't add up.

The truth is a very slippery thing when in the hands of a wayward spouse. They will much, much, much sooner blatantly lie -- fabricating entire people, stories, events, or giving half-truths at most -- than risk getting themselves in trouble and losing their affair partner.

It is what it is. Please find out the full story. Did she tell you about one OM, and not another current one? Is she still in contact w/ the original and only OM? Are there just multiple OMs? Who knows? You need to find this out.

If you go into "recovery" w/o knowing the full story of what you're recovering from, your marriage doesn't stand a chance.

the OM thankfully wasnt a coworker of hers but he used to frequent her work often but stopped after the affair was called off.

as far as the parentage goes we dont know that will have to be done with a paternity test since she was sexually active with both of us the children could belong to me or the OM.

she has been up front with me and even thoughn it hurt she didnt hold back when we finally did talk face to face.

the child support and custody is being revoked thats one of the first things we agreed on after we decided that our marriage was worth saving and that we still do care and love each other we just need to fall IN love again and not fall back into the same routines that got us to this point in the first place.

any pointers or ideas on how and what to do from here would be greatly appreciated i think we have made progress but i know we have a long way to go yet.

my wife is still going to join this site would it help if she posted here also we agreed no more secrets and i think having her in this discussion would help but i didnt want to step on any toes if this is against the rules i looked breifly but didnt see anything prohibiting it.

I would start both of you on "surviving an affair" and "his needs her needs" by Dr Harley. At this stage do not let her on, I am not in the same place as you are, there are two many questions to be answered before you release her here. Schedule a call with Dr Harley, this will be far more effective initially than your wife posting here. After a session or two dependant on the feedback you post, an invite can be given to her to join us. This is your place of refuge untill there is more certainty of what your wifes intentions are.

Unless you are not posting the detail I would be surprised if you did not notice your wifes change in behaviour when the OM and her broke off. It is rare for such a break after a two year affair with possible children that your wife did not display some behavioural changes.

in hindsight the details were there for me to see i just didnt pay attention looking back there is alot i should have noticed but didnt

Buy the books first , on this site are a set of emotional needs questionairs, download them and both of you fill them out.

A few questions for you. Is your wife being absolutely honest with you, have you verified this? Is the OM married? Is she remorseful ? What will she do to ensure no contact will occur for the rest of her life? Has she given you the reason for the break up?

I am not a vet on this site but my cynicism says you had best follow a path that ensures her intent is truthful , when this eventually sinks in you are going to hurt , a lot more than you are now. Your optimism is applaudable however temper this with some logic and understand she has had and may still have a strong emotional bond with the OM.

update on whats going on.

wife and kids have moved back in and custody and child support have been revoked.

we are communicating alot more but there are still some things that she says that just doesnt make sense below are some examples.

1. she says the OM wasnt a bad man or anything almost like he was the victim which i dont get at the time the OM was married and he knew my wife was married to me (yes i know it takes 2 to tango wife has her share of blame in this) what kind of good man would knowingly cheat on his own wife with a woman he knew was married and possibly father 2 kids then not want anything to do with them this doesnt sound like a good man to me.

2. yes we are back together and i dont regret taking my wife back and i am wooing her almost constantly i am getting some in return but i still feel as if i am doing most of the work in doing this like its up to me to instigate any kind of intimacy even things as simple as holding hands.

we have decided that if the kids arent mine that we are going to be honest with them we dont want them hating us later in life if it would come out somehow.

So.... I'm a little confused...

Whats changed except going back to what you had before?

Did you set any conditions for her coming back?

... Whats to prevent a repetition of her behavior in the future?

Are you going to have paternity tests done?