Thanks SS and Smileygirl. I keep working on myself and to make myself a better person. I expect my mind will be a little clearer in 3 months. She does not want a timeline. I think I need one so I can put my energy into something positive. Too many years I've been putting my energy into something that i receive nothing back. At least that is how I feel today. Onward and Upward we go!

I've gotten alot stronger this last week. I think. While I'm in plan A I want to be firm with WW about her A. I want to tell her that she needs to come clean with the affair and who it was with. I think I know but do not have proof yet. I want to tell her I cannot move forward until all has been revealed and I can make sure it is over. I want to tell her that I am doing my 50% of work in this marriage and she needs to do her 50% in order to make it work. I want to tell her I am tired of the lying and the "I don't know" or "I'm not ready to discuss this yet" answers. Am I rushing this? Should I hold off? She has been out of the house in her apt. for close to two weeks. I have not spoken to her for a few days as I am tickerd off that she could do this to us, our marriage and our family. I want this marriage to work but I have not IMHO not done plan A long enough to think about going to Plan B. Should I give her more time to think about us and what she is giving up and the pain she is inflicting on the whole family. She has had a huge project at work this week and I know she hasn'rt had much time to herself to do much thinking. Any advice is great. I will read more of the SAA tonight to get my head straight. I want to act not react. Thanks all!

Any ideas or comments on my post above. Such as how to bring up the issues to talk about. Also I want to ask her if she has finnished the EN questionaire. I'm thinking if I ask her for it she will just put it off longer. Should I just wait and give her mine to look over maybe edging her along to do hers? Thanks

Ok I have found an email address. Does any one know how to find out who's email this is. If I find this out I will know who the OM is. Any help would be great! Thanks

Well, you should Google it first.

I guess you will find something useful from here also:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=71&page=1

Well I trird to talk with my WW via phone last night. Told her all my feelings(how much I love her, our marriage and family) my desire to work on our marriage etc. She said she quit loving me a few years ago. She said when I started trying to make it better she was already done with us. Says she needs to be her for awhile and figure out who she is. Our marriage cannot be worked on until she finds herself.I found out via snooping that she is making plans with another man OM#2 for this Sunday. I also found out that she had an experience withOM#1 on the 14th. She says she is not seeing anyone.

I have both OM#1 and OM#2 email addreses. I have OM#2 name but not sure where he lives.

My question is should I email them and tell them to back off or their world will be hell? Should I copy my WW on the emails? Should I wait and gather more info. I paid for a iinternet site to run email address to to try and find names and address. Not much luck so far. Any advice. I am so ticked off because of reading the emails. She does not know I have access to her email account. NEED ADVICE. Thank you everyone!

If she is meeting new men this quickly, she is probably not telling them she is married. I'd contact the other men, tell them firmly how you feel and let them know she is married. I would not copy WW on the emails. She will find out soon enough. Do not wait. Waiting only gives time for her bond with OM's to get stronger.

If you contact the OMs, she'll figure out you are reading her emails. Not sure if you want to do that right now.
Maybe others will give their input.

Yes she will know you are reading her e-mails. Is there some way you could independently confirm she is seeing other OM's? You could mention that when you contact them.

Know that I am new here. If someone with more experience provides different options. Please go with their advice.

I agree with Phrogdriver,
Right now figure out and what your wife is up to, the reason she is saying the marriage is over is because that is the only way she can justify the OM in her life, it's how you rid yourself of the responsibility of the marriage.........
I would just do Plan B, send her a letter stating that you are willing to work on the marriage but only if it's the two of you........
There can't be 3 or 4 people in a marriage.
Once she realizes that this is her life and what that really means you won't be able to sway her with eduction........Tell her you love her but you have to protect the love you have left for her.........Tell her it's to painful to watch or be a part of.........
Then go on a live a good life and better yourself, learn from this and pray she comes to her senses.........
You could expose her behavior to the people closest to her.......and let them help you try to knock some sense into her.............
But if she isn't willing, separate yourself for now.........let her life fall apart, let her find out how meaningless those other relationships will be........and how the grass isn't greener that it's just grass with it's own set of problems........
jessi

I guess Plan B is coming up faster than expected. After Easter dinner with her and the kids I felt things were going well. Really well, she commented on how next week she wanted to come and plant flowers in front of the house again. She said she had a great time and stayed for almost 8 hours with me. I know what I have to do and it is to get the strength to do it. I would never in a million years dreamed that my WW could do this to us. I am not going to say anything to OM #1 or #2 just yet. I need to find another to way to protray how I came accross this info. Wish me strength. She said we could talk again tonight. We will see how that goes. Thanks all!

Just make sure you expose the affairs before you go to plan B. Or better, follow real plan A (with stick of course) before you go to plan B.

I just need to find a way of showing I have proof with out giving up my secrets of finding all this out. Right now she has the best of both worlds. When I see her I am going to tell her and follow up with a letter that in order to save my marriage and love and respect for her I do not want contact with her unless it is to do with our children only. All the family gatherings that she thought we would attend together are not going to happen the way she thinks they will be. Once I have proof of the A's I will notify everyone. Alot of people know already that I know she has had an A and that I believe she still is-with one maybe more person's. I may have to start Plan B a little different that it says but the goal is to run a solid Plan B. I like the idea of Plan A but how do you do that when she is having multiple affairs. This is what I would prefer to do. Wish me strength and pray for me for to take the correct path. Thanks

You'll be in my prayers.
God bless you.

SS

I"ve decided I need to stay in Plan A. I still have alot of love for her and energy to keep trying to meet her EN's. I feel as I do not need to protect myself yet. Meeting her EN's is tough when she is not in the same house and I don't get to see her to much. This is okay right now because I have a hard time talking to her knowing that the A's are still going on along with the lies. I have not done a Good enough Plan A to go to Plan B. I think it would be ineffective at this point. I will not be a doormat for her. I still have feelings and morals that I need to keep to stay strong. I'll just try to keep working at it.

I know I can't succeed when the OM#1 and OM#2 are still in the picture but I can try to be the best I can be. She is moving in to a new Condo in a couple of weeks. I will not help her move in to there but I'll let her know I would help her move home. I know she will ask to use my truck and trailer-which I guess are hers also- but I don't want to let her use them. Can I say no? Well I'm pretty mixed up right now and who knows my feelings may change by tonight. One minute I am strong and optimistic the next not! What a rollercoaster!!

Well its been a few weeks since WW moved out. We have a school function for our DD this weekend (Saturday). I asked my WW if she wants to ride together and also asked her if she maybe wanted to go out on a date-no relationship talk- after the event. Dinner and a movie either at the theater or our (my) home as it is now. She said she is not sure if she is ready for that or not yet. She didn't say no.

Here is the other part. I believe she may have set up a date with OM#2 on that same evening. She doesn't know that I think that. Thats not necessarily the reason I asked her out. Anyways I mentioned then that Sunday we could BBQ and go for a bike ride with our DD. This is something she likes to do. She has not given me an answer yet and maybe she won't. When I got off the phone with her I could tell she was crying. Not my intention. IS this wrong what i did? I told her I would respect her decision. Was this too soon. Could I push her away further by asking? Any advice would be great. Thanks

Fishing - I'm not a vet, but it sounds like you handled this well. I'm assuming that you're working a Plan A at this point, even though she's moved out. If so, I see nothing wrong with what you did. I guess the tone would be most important, if it's non-chalant, it's okay. If you come off as begging, it's not.

My approach now is - "I'm doing X with DS at Y date/time. You are more than welcome to join us if you want." I make it sound like I don't care - and now, for the most part, I really don't! I'm building my life around DS and I. If it's appropriate, she can join us, if not I don't invite her.

Just be careful with the frequency - you might 'institutionalize' this arrangement. For example, I would not have the BBQ at a regular interval where DD expects it to happen. It would also start to feel 'normal' to your WW.

Thanks AndyM. That is how I'm going to play it and that is actually what I'm doing. Building my life around DD but I truly hope she decides to be apart of it. She still needs to do her part. Thanks hope things are as good to be expected for you. I appreciate your advice.

Well she turned me down on our (I guess date). She just told me today that she didn't want to have dinner with me tonight and no BBQ tomorrow. WW gave no reason-doesn't suprise me. I played it as no big deal. It rellay hurt when she said no.

I find it hard to stay positive when things like this happen. It just seems like she wants nothing to do with me.I know I sound sappy here but that is exactly how I am feeling. Time to feed DD and friend dinner. Thanks

Fishing - hang in there! You're in for a ride and you'll have good and bad days. Try to just accept it. The emotions will become less intense over time - that's what's happened to me. They still suck, but at least I know what to expect.