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Joined: Apr 2011
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How do I wake up positive? How do I stop thinking about the OW? How do I cleanse her from my brain. I know both my husband and I want to grow old together but how do we do this when there is so much anger/resentment around. I want to feel sexy and loved again. I was to feel proud of myself. I want to have my family back together. You don't stop thinking about it. It's normal to do this. What you do is find a confidant (a friend of the same sex you trust) and when you are overwhelmed share with them instead of unloading on your husband right now. I cannot remember, is your H on the forums here, is he going to counselling? What does everyone else suggest? If he still has C, should he be here on the MB forums? CV
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
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My best friend was the one he had an affair with. I talk to some friends but I don;t want to burden them. I showed him my initial post last night. I do not think they are in contact.
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Joined: May 2011
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How do I contact Dr Harley - does he ever email back? I just watched the video which is good and I have ordered the books.
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
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AEK1,
Time for a new best friend... I didn't talk to anyone about our A and it has delayed recovery significantly. One thing you may want to try is adjusting your speech. It is difficult to do, but profitable.
For instance, when he says that he misses her or still has feelings, instead of saying "well she is just a skank ho *&$#!", consider asking him "what do you think of a person who kills another person for pleasure?". This leads to more profitable conversation.
No sane person would agree that killing for pleasure is good. It opens you up to be able to draw analogies to show him what she is really like (and himself!). Affairs are about killing for pleasure. They kill relationships, they kill the hearts and minds of everyone involved. They kill families and friendships, and most importantly, they kill real and genuine love.
It requires stepping back sometimes, gathering your thoughts and focusing on how to positively approach speech and conversation.
has your husband made everything open and available to you? Phone records, passwords to the phone, VM, and computer?
Go biking with him. Even if you don't talk. It keeps him accountable for his time, and the exercise will help burn some of the stress off.
CV
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
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No snooping....nothing to see to be honest. I need to trust him otherwise i will go mad. Why would you trust him? You know that he is capable of looking you in the eye and lying. You will go mad not knowing for sure if he is lying or not. This is where snooping comes in... verifying that he is being straight up.
...yesterday found a necklace that triggered off my emotions once again. It was a necklace that she gave me one week after my father died and one week before she approached my husband about an affair.
Sanitize your home of all the triggers. Throw out anything she ever gave you, the kids, and your husband. Throw out anything that is even the least bit connected to OW. I spent weeks going through my home looking for anything connected to POSOW... I even went so far as to look for loose floor boards and bricks.
My personal rule was that if I didn't know where it came from, it went straight into the bin or into the fireplace if it was flammable. No questions asked. I just did it.
Wht is best for me? Keep trying? Trying to be positive? Forgive him and move on? You will never be able to just move on if he is not remorseful and willing to commit to the M. Right now he is foggy. IMHO, I think it is too early to just give up.
He read some of the forum last night and said 'well that Forum is floored'.What does that mean?
This made me feel worthless; I was hoping his reading it would show him how sad and hurt I am. This was a silly comment but it made me made and I then ranted about the OW, her physique and personality. He was quite defensive and found my ranting and use of language ugly (I agree) and then said that he still hand feelings for her and missed her. He has said that my constant verbal abuse of her has meant that he has thought of her a lot more than if I had kept silent. He is shifting the blame to you. This is typical, be prepared for this and do not lose your control.
Today is a bad day - I have lined up all my pills to see if I have enough. I feel lonely, I feel as though I have failed and now I think my husband is giving up on me. You are not alone. You will get through this.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 338
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Thank you everyone for your words and support. I hope I can do this. I hope he is willing to try and I haven't pushed him too far.
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