I hear what you are saying, helpthelostdads, but I choose to not think the worst of people all of the time. I believe in love I guess... you may be right, I am naive, but I sense a lot of negativity in you. You seem very jaded and I just do not want that for me. I still have hope and the ability to forgive and not write him off just yet. I just can't let go of my hopes because you are right, he has so much potential. Yes, this is even though I have been hurt before, and yes by my ex- who was a gambler. I suffered a lot because of him but I gave him a lot of chances - only because I chose to live in the real world where I know people are not perfect and do makes mistakes and do make the wrong choices. My husband and I split up in the end because financially gambling ruins you. I gave him every chance to be a better person and I have no regrets. I feel good about that. We had a lot of good times and 3 kids together too. Although he had a bad addiction I would still say it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...

Oh, and I never said all men resort to this, but I know a lot of men do, way too many obviously.... or this would not be such a big subject on these forums and many other sites also. I can't help but think this is a stress reliever for a lot of men. They just can veg out and porn surf without anything being expected of them. There are psychological issues here Sushi, its nothing to do with us or how attractive we are. It has everything to do with them. Just remember that. Also my man was embarrassed about it, that he did this. It was embarrassing for him to have to admit he had a need to do this.

I feel really bad for your situation Sushi, and I hope mine is not still doing it, but I am realistic and I know it might just be a matter of time. You know, at least your husband is trying to get help - right? He knows its not healthy but he is struggling. I think it is a psychological issue. If he recognizes he has a problem, and is doing something about it I see that as a positive. He may not always stay on the straight and narrow, but he is trying. So, you have to give him that.

Also I know about the "in private browser, I use it sometimes myself. I would look for chunks of time with no record of data, yet he was sitting at the computer.... and I suppose you are right again, I should not have to check up on him. Maybe I will just stop, but the perfect world is a hard one to find and maybe my expectations are lower than yours are. I think its worth it to work on this - at least for now.

You are hopelessly na�ve but many people are. That is not a bad thing, just a fact.
Its not even a disrespectful judgement as much as a warning of the magnitude this issue can take.

Before the internet, men had to either buy magazines for their porn or go to a theatre rated X. Of those two types of porn, which do you think was the most damaging to relationships overall? The photos or the action films?

Now, with the internet and the availablity of action porn......well.....its messed a whole lot of men up and a whole lot of relationships that would otherwise be quite fulfilling and romantic.

It has been the gateway to warping men's minds (some womens) and destroying couples with no real chance for the female to have a fighting chance to save her man.

And lots of men who view internet porn cross a mental boundary they would never have crossed otherwise to act on their new sexual input with having affairs.

You may call it jaded. I�d call it realistic. You see, I was very much like you. I had the White Knight Syndrome. I fell in love with lots of damsels in distress. I tended to see the potential instead of seeing the reality.

Everyone has potential. But the reality is who they actually are and not who I wish them to be.

I got sick and tired of dating damsels in distress (I�m talking about the vast majority of my relationships from when I was 16 through when I was 37). I was attracted to these women because they brought some excitement and drama and I felt I could show them they could be treated well and be loved by a good man. I felt that once they settled in, were in love with me and treated well, that they would be happy.

What I realized, after being burned over and over, is that most of these women had holes in their psyche that I would never be able to fill.

So after being engaged to a bipolar drama queen and a marriage to a hypochondriac drama queen I decided that the best thing for me was a woman with little to no issues. I set the bar at that level and got didn�t stay in relationships where I felt there were deep seeded issues.

There was one woman I very much liked, but she was emotionally unavailable and still grieving over numerous losses in her life. I gave up pursuing that.

There was one woman that was very insecure and transferred her insecurities to me by trying to change my appearance, demeanor, and the way I carried myself. I ended that relationship.

There was one woman who seemed to like me only when I was unavailable, so I bailed there.

I decided I would only date women that I felt didn�t need �fixing�. I would like them as they were and they would like me as I was. In fact, I was happy to be alone until I could meet such a woman.

And I did and I�m now married to someone who is a perfect match for me.

What I�m telling you is that it�s not your job to fix his issues or anyone else you choose to date. That�s something only those people can do for themselves.

You, on the other hand, deserve better and will get better men if you set your bar and expectations higher. It really isn�t much of a stretch to ask for a man who doesn�t have addictions of any kind, is attractive, and values family and God.

Set your standard there and you can find such a man. Better yet, be happy being alone until you meet such a man.

But it can�t be that difficult to upgrade from an alcoholic porn addict. Let someone else deal with him. He�s not your problem. Let him go and watch him fix himself. If he comes back to you a reformed man, then take him back.

I had women reject me because of the drama I had in my life in regards to my ex and my custody fight. It was wise of them to do this and I respected the fact that they didn�t feel some maternal need to �be at my side� while dealing with all the issues. I really respected that they didn�t feel they needed that drama in their own lives.

I knew that when I set myself straight and minimized my drama that I wanted to find those kind of women. The fact that they rejected drama shows they were stable people with good heads on their shoulders.

I encourage you to let him go until he gets his own life in order. He can come back when he fixes himself, but there is no need to put YOUR life on hold while he fixes HIS problems.

He has an addiction and it's hard to break. He needs to visit his local SAA chapter.

I would talk to him about it and let him know how it makes you feel. He will likely make promises that he is unable, on his own, to keep and you're better off getting out and letting him work his own problems out on his own.

A lot of people seem to think "what he/she doesn't know won't hurt him/her" but that's not true. When my XH started cheating on me, it hurt our relationship and I knew something was wrong, it was like a wall came between us when he started cheating, so even though my conscious mind didn't know, my subconscious was aware...what we don't know DOES hurt us.

I would not want to be with a person that doesn't have integrity. He would not hide it if he didn't think there was something wrong with it.

I could go on all day about the moral implications of porn and what it does to people but I'll spare you sense you don't agree anyway. But the truth is, character issues do matter.

You feel this way about porn and yet you watch it?


????

This speaks volumes.


And you "think" he loves you?


Perhaps for this man. You will get what you settle for. What I get is the vibe that you're a woman whose self esteem is so low that she feels she can't do better.

I'm not bashing you. I'm telling you that you will get what you settle for and that you, or anyone, should NOT settle for any of this type of behavior.

MUST you have a man in your life to be happy? Would it not be better to be alone than to settle for this behavior?

I'm telling you that YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Ladies, please chime in! Why am I, a man, championing that a woman shouldn't settle for a porn addicted alcoholic?

Because I think you're doing a pretty good job at it. And Markos concurs.

Great post.

I do have a smile on my face, help the lost dads.... You of course are quite right, and no I do not need a man that bad, and am taking steps to let him get himself back into counseling and fix his issues if he wants me. He needs to be shown the door for now. I have told him this just this morning. There is much here that needs to be worked on but you are right - it is not my problem, its his. But I am so glad I got a lot of input from you guys. It has helped me see that he does not really love me.

To answer your question - no I do not need a man, of course not. I have a a lot of friends, and three great kids. I just have to get myself out of this situation now. In my life I can honestly say I have never met a man without some sort of addiction - this is probably why I was too willing to be with a "nice guy' who had one. Thanks!

GOOD! GREAT TO HEAR!

Seriously, I'm glad to hear what you're saying.

You do deserve better. Never settle. I'm not saying that you need to become miss nitpick about little stuff, but big things should send up red flags.

Addictions: Leave them be unless the person is truly recovered and kicked the habbit long in the past.

But then again, there are tons of healthy people without addictions.

Take your time. Enjoy being alone and a good man will come across your path.

I met my wife when I became indifferent about meeting women. If I met one, great. If I didn't, that was ok too.

Then, after meeting her, I took things really slowly. I kept it a little casual at first, just to see if she truly was who she presented herself to be.

That's a good thing to have. Have a little bit of skepticism that keeps you from diving head first for the first person you come across.

I had that problem in my past. I'd fall head over heels over a woman without really knowing her when red flags should have sent me running in the other direction.

And believe me, some of these women were hot!

Don't be blinded by looks.

Set your standards high and an eventual mate will meet them.

Best of luck to you.

You probably have some recovering of your own to do, and learn how to switch from codependency to interdependence.

It should not be you straining unhappily to support his poor behaviors and addictions. It should be the two of you working together to make each other happy.

Also, a "nice guy" is about two brain-farts short of a doormat. How about a guy with some compassion and self-respect, instead?