So is it wrong for me to not feel very excited about this weekend? Race weekend and Mother's day with family in Santa Barbara. Normally I'd say I'm an optimist, but I honestly feel almost depressed and nervous about it. I think I'm nervous about what each morning will bring or what may happen at night, what I might say or do unintentionally. I plan on embedding MB principles to avoid any love busters, but I am nervous as hell.

We have both agreed to not cancel this weekend and have fun. Since our first was born we've made it a tradition to spend Mother's day in Santa Barbara (which has always been fantastic in the past). After the race my husband and I will join my brother and sister in law for a wine/beer festival. Then Saturday will be spent with the entire family sharing a dinner. And Sunday will be exclusively our family.

No love busting yesterday, but not too much quality time either. I would say we interacted very pleasant all day and never got around to UA time because we were both tired, probably physically and emotionally spent from the week.

So is it wrong for me to not feel very excited about this weekend?

We have both agreed to not cancel this weekend and have fun.

No love busting yesterday, but not too much quality time either. I would say we interacted very pleasant all day and never got around to UA time because we were both tired, probably physically and emotionally spent from the week.

It doesn't always have to be at the end of the day.

You guys can try to get an hour in early in the AM while the kids are busy getting ready for school, and the baby is in a good enough mood to do some self-entertaining (playing on the floor or in a bassinet/playpen).

Also, Grace, if a DJ slips out you should both agree to say, oops, that was a DJ, let me reword that/can you reword that.

It took me a lot of practice to stop saying DJs to my husband and I still do every once in a while. This is a learning process so don't beat yourself up over one mistake, instead, give yourself credit for overall improvements.

No, it is not wrong for you to feel that way.

If you're not enthusiastic about it -- if it is going to make you depressed -- neither of you should go. Instead, find something to do together that you would both enjoy.

Realize that the two of you are probably going to slip up again and lovebust each other. You are learning the skills, but you haven't mastered them yet. Give each other a little grace when that happens, and pick up and start again. Don't throw your hands up in disgust and give up, or dwell on the mistakes, or have a pity party. Say "I'm sorry," learn and move on. Work diligently to avoid LB, extend grace when you've been wronged, and you'll make it

Honest question: Are you really going to be able to have fun? Or have you made a reluctant agreement? Is there something else you'd rather do?



Yes, you have had a rough week with interrupted sleep. It's been mentioned before that you guys need to schedule 8 hours of sleep per night. It won't happen unless you schedule it! And UA will me a lot easier and more enjoyable once you are getting enough sleep.

Is the baby still waking up at night?

I still feel like my husband is secretly judging me and holding back feelings. I can sense it even though he's gotten rid of the faces.

I also know that he is still obsessed with me having an ALLEGED A since I discovered he reached out and emailed someone and mentioned it four times.

All last week I would wake up and say today is a new day, fresh start, and it all would turn to hell and back.

Control myself and my emotions are another focus from here on out.

He probably is a little, grace. He's really making amazing progress, though. He seems to be taking this problem seriously now, and that is the number one thing that needs to happen for him to change.

When he thinks something that is disrespectful, it is progress when he doesn't say it! Of course, you want him to progress more than that. But this is a wonderful first step!


The best thing you can do for him is not judge him for feeling this way. Treat his feelings about this with the utmost respect. Practice 100% openness and honesty and transparency. Read up on the Extraordinary Precautions Dr. Harley recommends and put them all into practice. Hilltopper has made an important discovery: he has discovered that people have affairs on their spouses all the time in circumstances that he thought were completely safe. It is going to take some time for him to adjust to that. Allow him to look into whatever he wants to look into; if you discover him checking up on you, be glad and don't judge him. Invite him to check up on you (respectfully, of course ). That's transparency.

Eventually, if you are being transparent and following extraordinary precautions, consistently over time, Hilltopper will begin to be capable of more trust again.


That's a very familiar phrase, there.

I know there have been a lot of devastating fights. You guys have made simply AMAZING progress at learning the tools to avoid fights. It will take some time to make those habits consistent, but the longer you go without having fights, the better you will feel.

I can't impress on either one of you enough the importance of avoiding fights AT ALL COSTS. It's like the Soviet Union and the United States staring at each other in the Cold War with their nuclear weapons. One little spark, and mutually assured destruction occurs. Nobody wins in that scenario. The only way to win is to not play that game.

I've been to hell and back, too. Walked all over the road. I'll do anything to spare other couples that misery.

Remember that when someone is married to an abuser (Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts are all marital ABUSE, and this must never be sugarcoated), they themselves will have a tendency to become abusive in response. Avoid reaching for these tools at all costs.

Yes this is exactly whats been happening!


It won't take long at all until you guys are inspiring HAPPY emotions in each other, instead!

Make sure you are respectful and kind in inviting him to check up on you. Make sure it doesn't sound like a challenge, or like you will make fun of him or something if you catch him checking on you. He might find "I triple dog dare you" to be disrespectful; I'm not sure.

You might say something like "I am here for you and will never leave you or be with anyone else. I want you to feel like you can trust me and feel like you will always have the right to check up on me. I want you to feel welcome to check things out any time in any way you please." Make this a gift, a goodwill gesture, that you are giving him as his wife. Make it in a way that you can feel glad about.

I also know that he is still obsessed with me having an ALLEGED A since I discovered he reached out and emailed someone and mentioned it four times. I'm not going to assume how he is feeling and move forward, but I can't help being nervous due to this last weeks episodes. All last week I would wake up and say today is a new day, fresh start, and it all would turn to hell and back.

No I promise it has been mostly respectful. I do the triple dog dare in my head because I find it so crazy, but I know his feelings are legit.