Thanks SW. I feel like I've done plenty of things wrong raising my kids. But at least you've pointed out that I've done my best to spend time with them when I could. I've been very lucky.

opt

Good for you, Fred!

Yes it was humorous, but then again, if I can spend 15 hrs/wk UA with my dog, should it be that hard to fit it in with a spouse? Yes it gets more complicated with children...sometimes it seems like a juggling act trying to fit it all in. That's just another reason I don't understand how some people have TIME to have affairs! Oh yeah...they aren't spending it on spouse/children.

Yeah Kay, and then if you don't sleep it saves a lot of time also.

Hey Fred cheer up, your just having a down period probably, don't take it seriuos.
It will pass.

Hi opt, thanks for asking.

No, nothing happened. I've just been giving a lot of thought to both my past and present (who knows what the future will bring, right?). Two failed marriages, and a lack of viable prospects on the radar screen.

Dancing Gal is nice, and I enjoy her company, but it's clear that she's not looking for anything. Church Gal has found herself someone (she's brought him the past few Sundays and seems to really glom onto him). The online dating thing has resulted in a handful of one-message exchanges and then, *poof* - nothing.

You've read my thread, and you've offered a lot of good advice and support. But there's no getting around the fact that I'm not "good at it." Some guys (just read about the number of OM here) are real good at meeting women's EN and to them it just seems to come naturally. Not me.

This evening I ran into a long-time friend and his wife. In a moment of candor I said the same thing: I was giving up on relationships. I've had my shot. Her response to me was, "don't give up, just take a break."

Which is what I'm going to do. I'm running more and training harder, and now I'm renewing my love of playing music on the guitar. I'm just going to stop trying...

Accually Fred, this sounds exactly normal. I know how the online dating thing works, and you've got to realize, many of the people out there are right where you are. Sometimes they just need some attention and validation, and the PC can be an easier, and safer, way to get that.

I have responded to girls there, and got sporadic responses back also. Even though I have just wanted to start a dialoge and had no expectations. I think that when they get lonely, they get interested in contact, human condition since the begining of time.

Do what you want, you have nothing to prove to anybody, and we all know your caliber as a man. So does God, and he will give you the desires of your heart, you can count on it.

So, I took D9 to her mother's to get something. I stayed on the porch. Wxw not home. Lo and behold who shows up while I'm sitting there but wxw and OM#2. Ostensibly he's there to consult on some small construction wxw is doing, per their conversation. I said "what's up" and did not shake hands. Did not make small talk. Eventually D9 came down with whatever she was after.

Last night I was not "bothered" or "upset" but something about this scene did stick in my mind and make me feel uneasy. Was it just the "trigger-ness" of it?

Let's face it I have absolutely nothing to complain about - there are those (Including many here on this board) with much more gut-wrenching situations on their hands. I mean no disrespect and would not want to change places.

But, having little experience with these matters, I am not sure what this means. Is it normal to still have triggers even though I�ve totally moved on? For heaven�s sake, it�s been over a year on the separation, 9 mo since D was final, the kids are adjusting well, wxw and I are amicable & appropriate, and I am dating a beautiful woman who digs me to pieces. Why would it affect me at all that wxw is still chumming around with OM#2?

I�m fine today, looking forward to a weekend with NG (wxw has the kids starting tomorrow at noon). This was on my mind last night and I was wondering if anyone had any experience or thoughts to offer.

Opt

As long as it's just a break... and not permanent! ;-)

Seems to me, from reading your posts, you have a lot to offer the right woman.

Most of the guys I meet (online or IRL) seem to be only interested in one thing. And the few who weren�t said that most of the women they met were only interested in one thing-money or �a husband� (any husband, not necessarily that particular guy).

I hope your break gives you some time to focus on yourself, but if you really want love don�t give up!

And yes, I�ll try to take my own advice when I get discouraged myself.

I've been divorced 10 years, and I still get occasional triggers, or random feelings of bitterness, from some interactions with the ex. So, as they say, triggers happen .

None of them are of the sort of "I wish we had stayed together", more along the lines "if you hadn't screwed up, our kids wouldn't have to have two households", or "what a PITA it is to deal with you!".... So as you can see, these are not of the sort of wishing to be back with her, and I thank my lucky stars that given who she turned out to be that I am not with her, but they are nonetheless triggers of the "joys" of divorce.

Anyway, I am not making much sense, but I just wanted to validate that triggers are perfectly normal even years after divorce.

AGG

You make a lot of sense to me AGG. Thanks.
opt

Yeah Opt, after being screwwed over by someone you gave your whole heart and soul to, will allways be a trigger.

What could be worse.. Oh I know..when they act all friendly..

Nah its normal, it would abnormal if you didn't feel strange.

This thread has been very helpful to me with regards to triggers:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243454&page=1

And yes, that's all it is and it's very normal...it doesn't mean you want her back or wish anything different, it just means that the brain has been taken back in time to another time/place and the emotions associated with that time are brought to the present. When this happens it's good to remind yourself of your current life and how much better it is, it helps squelch those triggers.

Thanks KC, that helps. Mark is awesome.

I do try to remind myself that I'm better off. That's not hard to do because it's so vividly obvious. However, I do still feel sad for my kids on a regular basis. I wish I could have continued to provide for them a safe, two parent household.

However, I wasn't happy. That is becoming more and more obvious even to me. I also believe the whole experience has allowed me to become a better overall person and a better parent, even if I am only actually with them 50% of the time; I'm a better, more tuned in person 100% of the time and that has to be good for them.

So, I'll let the triggers be triggers. It's natural and normal.

opt

I have an update.

NatureGirl and I spent the weekend together. Just her and I. No phones. Away.

We had it planned for a little while. I had concert tickets for a concert about 4 hours away (I REALLY wanted to see this particular band). The plan was to stay the night since it was too far to drive home that late. Then about a month ago we decided to take Monday off and stay two nights. So, we were together for a solid two and a half days.

Unbelievable. We had so much fun. We are so alike in the way we approach things. We had no set plans but managed to find things to do and totally enjoyed each other's company. We talked a lot about everything. There was not one conflict about anything. We totally relaxed, something we both needed.

The only thing that makes me uneasy is that I'm not uneasy, lol. I feel like I've been very fortunate to meet NG. I keep waiting to see something that isn't right, or some sign that it's all too good to be true, but nothing like that happens. We just keep growing closer.

opt

I'm glad to hear things are working out for you, Opt!

Sounds like you are really enjoying and appreciating your new relationship, and rightly so. You deserve it!

Sounds awesome Opt! Very happy for you man. Just stay in the present and enjoy it. If it continues to develop, great! Try not to over analyze if you can. I'm not speaking from experience here, just my opinion from the cheap seats. Who did you see by the way?

I liked Mark, too.

That's how it was when I was dating my wife, it just got better and better with time, so I married her . This is how it works when you meet The One.

Glad to hear things are going so well, bud!

AGG

People make mistakes, sometimes before they know better. It can get pretty brutal here because emotions run high where affairs are concerned, even years down the road.

Me too