Hi TE,

I read your sitch again, and two thoughts occur to me.

The first is that you are in a dark purgatory. Not seeing your kids for, what, weeks? That's brutal. I struggled when my daughters were gone for nine days. Do you have a priest or pastor to turn to? He should be able to help strengthen your soul for a time like this.

The second thought is, please, do not give up hope of reconciling with your wife. Miracles happen. Dr. H says reconciliations after a divorce happen a lot. If you reconcile with XWW, your boys will love you forever. You will be a hero in their eyes. Isn't that worth more to you than dating some hot chick? I know it is for me. And Dr. H has a whole plan for reconciliation after an A. Don't. Give. Up. Hope.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful

Every time I start thinking this way, WXW lies some more. The affair is still on. POSOM is still in the picture. And WXW continues on her decent into disgrace and ruin. It's pretty sad.

This past weekend I caught WW in another lie. It's a little hard to explain, but I'll do my best.

On July 1st, WW and kids moved in with her parents in New York.

She told me I should come visit the boys the week of July 11th because a "girlfriend of hers was going to be in town" and she really wanted to see her.

So I flew to New York, borrowed WW's car and took the kids to my brother's.

Later that week she sends me a text saying that she's in Vancouver. I looked at POSOM's Facebook page, and low and behold, on his wall... pictures of Vancouver!

Since I had her car, she must have gotten a ride to the airport from her parents. I figure she lied to them too because I doubt they would have driven her an hour and a half to the airport if they knew she was going to see OM.

So yesterday I sent this email to my WW's parents:


Dear Parents,

Several weeks ago, WW told me she was hoping I could visit this past week because "Girlfriend was going to be in the states."

She also suggested that it was a good week for me to visit because it would be good for the boys if I visit them as soon as possible after they relocated.

As it turns out, it was all a ruse so she could fly to Vancouver to be with OM.

Just thought you should know.

TE

Two truths:

1) Waywards suck and will lie through their teeth without reservation. It comes with the territory.

2) You were not accurate when you said in another thread that your WW has a black belt in lying. Most waywards really aren't that good at it.

No, but they sure do practice a lot.

Even though I'm divorced, I'm still contemplating a Facebook Exposure on POSOM.

Are there any ramifications toward me if I do?

He could pursue you physically or vandalize your property. Most OM's are cockroaches that merely talk a big game but never follow through. In all the years here I don't recall an OM beating up an BH ever. I imagine it happens sometime and most particularly when the OM is manipulated by WW to believe the BH is physically abusive. But even then, OM will just marry the ww quickly and move her and her kids to Texas .

Another ramification. He could sue you. Anyone can sue anyone for just about anything. The most likely claim is defamation. A defense to such claim is truth...however, absent absolute proof of actual sexual intercourse it gets tougher and tougher to make the defense the further down the road you are. Since you are already divorced...the court/jury is not likely to be as understanding/lenient of your "exposure" if OM spins it that you are lying. Of course, the better your proof the less chance he'll sue you.

Just to be safe...I often advise people to expose using the word(s) "extramarital affair" instead of adultery or sexual affair as "extramarital affair" covers a gambit of "relationship" and then you aren't automatically calling him an adulterer. In addition, some states take statements about someone's immoral conduct a little more seriously than others. For example, in some states and OP may be able to make a claim for Defamation or libel PER SE.

Here's a general definition:

libel per se n. broadcast or written publication of a false statement about another which accuses him/her of a crime, immoral acts, inability to perform his/her profession, having a loathsome disease (like syphilis), or dishonesty in business. Such claims are considered so obviously harmful that malice need not be proved to obtain a judgment for "general damages," and not just specific losses


Well, you can see that what would constitute "immoral acts" is awfully broad, isn't it? Well, if you facebook expose using the word 'adultery' it's a pretty obvious you are accusing him of a "immoral act", whereas when you say "affair" you have a pretty good argument that it's not an "immoral act" since the state doesn't even recognize it as such anymore....plus, it's much easier to prove "an affair" where adultery has a precise legal definition which is more cumbersome to prove as a truthful utterance.


Of course...I am not meaning to scare you off it. Expose away. There's an empowerment that comes after doing the right thing and no longer protecting their dirty secrets.

Mr. Wondering (sorry I rambled, got choppy and probably redundant...I walked away to watch the end of the tigers game and came back to this post)

Mr. Wondering, once again your post is awesome. Thank you so much. The legal difference between adultery and affair very interesting.



That would be a dream come true.

Since I still have my WW's email password, today I saw an email to POSOM.

It was a picture of WW and POSOM dressed for dinner in Vancouver this past week, holding each other posing for camera. And her caption was, "I like this one."

(Add little barfing face here.)

Since you are coming up on 2 years since D-Day have you thought about Plan B?

Are any of her EN's being met by you?

Let her feel the real pain of her divorce. Let him meet all her needs. Go on with your life in Plan B. This affair will one day be over. You can wait for her or you can move on. You can move on and still wait for her. You can move on and never look back.

OM is a player. She is living with her parents acting like a teenager with kids.

That lifestyle will get old soon. It cannot be maintained forever.

Go Dark Plan B and get healthy!

Yes...so if you intend on exposing get it done and move on. I don't think having her email password (and using it) is exactly healthy FOR YOU. You are divorced. Heck, it might even be considered illegal for you to access her email.

At some point you may want to either tell your xw VERBALLY (without documented evidence) that you know her email password and she should change it OR, in the alternative, sign that email up for every list you can and get it bombarded with junk email to the extent that she'll think she has a bot virus and the first thing someone will tell her to do is change your email password.

Sure it may be nice to have it and keep an eye on her...for the kids sake...but, really, in the end it's not going to amount to much other than driving YOU batty.

YOU MATTER TOO. You've been divorced since March. We aren't telling you to forget...just go dark and responsibly shut down your own covert access to her life. She's no longer your problem.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks. I agree the passwords are not healthy for me.

That said, I've had so many doubts though as to whether the affair was still on, and as to whether or not I should divorce or try to reconcile.

It is thanks to the passwords that I now know I made the right decision to divorce.

I agree that now it is time to go dark, but we are still trying to get rid of the house, still dealing with banks and our real estate agent, still planning visitation, planning summer camps for the boys, and so we have to talk about all these things every day. It's hard.

Her agenda is to live in a rabbit hole and avoid real life decision. She'll drag out these details indefinitely.

Your GOAL...I suppose is to PUSH this agenda and wrap up these details. You don't tell her why....just do it. You eventually will likely have to impose ultimatums to finalize these issues...such as:

"If I don't hear from you by ______, 2011, then I will presume my proposal is ok and we will go from there as if it's agreed. Then follow through with YOUR decision until she objects, when she objects make her do it in writing (creating distance and documentation).

I know a part of you likes having all the resolvable issues on the table still too.

Stop that.

Mr. Wondering

You vets all think you're SOOOOO smart

Still trying to short sale the house. That's when you sell for less than you owe. Our banks have agreed and now we are just waiting on the buyer's bank to approve the mortgage.

We bought in 2006 at the top of the market at my WXW's insistence. She said, "I'm not moving away from New York City unless we buy a house!" Of course, a year after we sunk all our money into the place she met POSOM and began the destruction of our family. Might have been nice if she began the affair BEFORE we bought the house, no?

This week I moved everything into storage because I thought we were closing on the house. Right now I am sleeping on an air mattress, alone in an empty house.

I am able to Facetime (Apple's version of Snipe) with my children every day and I am heading up North to see them for a week starting this Saturday.

Short sales are a pain in the neck and take a long time.

I am also speaking as little as possible to WXW.

Is it bad to say scathing remarks to Ex WW when I know she is going to spend a weekend with OM?

It reminds me of 2009 when she ditched the kids with me for the same exact thing.

I've just written a rather scathing email, but have not hit send yet.

Vent here - do not send it. Do you want to reconcile in the future? If yes, then do not send it. Affair will die soon - could be remarriage.

Think about it for a while. Do not send it yet!!! She is wayward and still an alien. It will not process in the crap of her brain.

I won't send it. Although not because I plan on reconciling anytime soon. More because I feel like I'm beating a dead horse at this point.

She's your XW. The state of mind that you should be aspiring to as far as she's concerned is INDIFFERENCE. When you communicate with her, indifference should be reflected in your communication.

It's a waste of time. Don't send it.