My husband dated a women for four years before he and I started dating and they lived together. They had broken up about two years before he and I met and she got married and is still married.

However, she seemed to have a lot of trouble getting over my husband. I learned early on in our relationship that he was still corresponding with her frequently (although she lives in another state) and made it clear that I would not continue dating him unless he decided to end his close and somewhat inappropriate friendship with her. He chose me.

Since then, she has tried numerous times to become "friends" with him again. He responded once or twice saying it wasn't going to happen and that he would no longer respond, and he hasn't. It has been about a year since she has done this.

However, she has friended some of his family and friends on Facebook and comments to them frequently. She also sends them emails asking questions about whether he is happy, if I am treating him well enough, how much he is drinking, etc. I have asked these people to stop responding to her but they feel it is too rude to cut her out completely and won't do it. My H will not insist on it, either.

Now, she views my LinkedIn profile and my business website (I have a tracker) on a regular basis. It has been about 5 years since my H ended communication with her, I don't understand why she still needs to look things up about me on a regular basis (and by the way, my LinkedIn profile and business website do not really change, there is nothing new to see).

Since she is not interfering with our day to day lives and my H is not in contact with her, should I ignore it? Or, should I contact her directly saying that I know she is always looking at my online information and I want her to stop? Or, should I contact her husband about it (if I can find his information), who I think is pretty clueless that she was even friends with my H while they were married?

You know, I think contacting her husband would be a great idea. Additionally, I would ask your H to convey this information to his family and ask them to unfriend her. She sounds like a bunny boiler to me. Your H needs to do everything in his power to protect your marriage from this stalker.

Can you get her H's contact information from her facebook page?

ML, I don't think her husband has a facebook page but he does have an unusual name and they live in a smaller city. I googled his name and city and I think I know where he works, but don't have a direct line. I could call the organization and ask them to connect me, though.

My H thinks our marriage is already protected because he doesn't contact her and he feels like it isn't his place to tell his family and friends who they can and can't be friends with. A few of his family members and friends did delete her shortly after we got married when she emailed them asking for all the details of our wedding, but I haven't been able to get others on board.

My H has a very, free spirit, love everyone, kind of family. When I asked some of his immediate family to do it, they said that they truly believe she doesn't mean harm and she has never hurt them, so they don't want to hurt her by deleting her. I asked them not to update her on his life, then, but I don't know if they do or not now. I know they have in the past. They said she is in contact every few months, mostly for holidays and birthdays.

By the way, calling her husband would be IB on my part, my husband doesn't think it is necessary and thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill since she and my H aren't in contact.

Its not "IB" at all. You are protecting your marriage. He apparently doesn't recognize the risk. I would go ahead and do this along with persuading him to ask his family to unfriend her. It doesn't matter if he doesn't see the risk, what matters is that it is important to you.

Technically, it is contact. Approaching your H's family via FB is a known fact for your H. Holding and letting to hold her close as a friend is communication. Cutting all contact should mean that your H is absolutely in dark about her, but he isn't. This loose behaviour from his family's and your H's part most probably sends a wrong signal to her - that she is welcome to this close family circle. So do what you have to do.

ML, you have touched on what I think is a fundamental roadblock for us in our marriage.

My H likes to describe marriage as a two ways street, meaning, if he is comfortable with something than I should be comfortable with it. He engages in more IB and puts up less protections than I do and thinks what he wants is "normal" and what I want is unrealistic and controlling.

He says I need to learn to trust his judgement and choices rather than imposing my own assessment of the situation. For example, in this situation, he says that he knows her and his family and so he knows better than I do what is a problem and what isn't.

If I tell him I disagree he gets offended because it means I don't trust him, his ability to use logic, or his character. I am not really sure how to respond to that. Suggestions??

I wrote a question about this to Joyce but never heard back, perhaps because I had asked a different question a few weeks prior.

But that makes it a one-way street. What you are describing is a climate of sacrifice, and sacrifice is not good for marriage. It leads to resentment. Your H is basically telling you that you must be happy with his happiness, and that's not fair to either of you.

Penni, have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement? Read it here.

Thanks, MB. I know it isn't good for us to create a climate of sacrifice and I would really like us to use the POJA. My H refuses, he says that no cookie cutter program can help people in marriage. Obviously, I disagree and am now growing frustrated.

We don't have issues that need to be POJAed every day, but when bigger stuff comes along that we disagree on, he always does what he wants, regardless of how I feel.

I like your one ways street wording, I am going to use that.

It's nice that your H doesn't think he needs to worry about protecting his M, but this OWH has a right to know what his W is doing, that she is pursuing an old boyfriend to the point where it sounds like she is somewhat fixated...

Part of the reason that you need to consider taking your H out of the decision to do this is he may already be foggy about it...meaning, he is getting an ego stroke out of it & he may like that she is pursuing him. But it's not fair to keep her H in the dark when you have information that can help him fix his M, you know?

Excellent points, SusieQ, I will see if I can get a hold of him today.

Stop disagreeing with him, and just tell him, "This is a problem for me, and when you refuse to help me, I feel uncared for."

You might also mention to him that his way is the way that is 'cookie-cutter'. It is as common as dirt for either spouse in a marriage to display independent behavior and expect the other spouse to get over it if they don't like it. This is one of the main reasons so many marriages are troubled; two people are united and become one in matrimony, then, after they shake the rice out of their hair they continue on in their old 'single' ways.

Great! Pls update and let us know how it went...

I would send it again. But the basic problem here is that you are not using the program in your marriage. I would focus on getting him on board before you both erode the love in your marriage.

SuzieQ, I worked up my nerve and called his work and got the operator to connect me to his voice mail. I didn't leave a message because I thought it would be better as a conversation. I will try again tomorrow.



Thanks, Mel, great Harley quotes. I might even print them out for my H. I have been practicing MB principles for a while now and I own and have read all of the books, which are not sitting in our office in plain view for my H. Cleaning up my side of the street did create some positive changes in our relationship in some ways, but in other ways, learning about MB has only made me grow more frustrated with him. But, I agree, I need to get him on board.

When I first found MB I wasn't well versed and tried to SD and DJ him into reading the books and visiting the website. I am afraid I made it all really aversive for him. Now, I am trying to just make quick mentions of it here and there, like if he acknowledges something I did that he likes that is consistent with MB, I tell him so. I am not sure what else to do to get him on board.

At some point, plan B might be in order. We have something that is a really big IB on his part that I have been wanting him to POJA with me and he has refused thus far. It is still a few months out, but if we get to that point and he has not made any effort to consider my feelings, it might be time for a plan B. It is strange to consider because I am not miserable or anything, but I do want to be respected and considered by the person I have chosen to spend my life with.

Penny, alot of couples make the mistake of trying to use the program piecemeal, which doesn't work. For example, it is a huge mistake to try to practice the POJA when you are not in love and have no negotiating skills. It just creates more conflict.

My suggestion would be to sell him on the program and explain to him logically why it would benefit him. Sell him on the WHOLE program and get him to go through the lessons with you.

When you do that, you start on safer ground, ie: restoring the romantic love in your marriage FIRST. THEN, move onto POJA. I would not try to learn the POJA first, though. It is a disaster. We didn't start the POJA until we had been using the program to eliminate lovebusters, utilize UA time and meet each others needs for some months.

With your H, he has some very destructive views on marriage. He has IB and is very thoughtless of your feelings. He doesn't seem to understand how that effects the love you feel for him.

If he can't GET that, I would set up a few counseling sessions with Steve Harley and let him sell your H. Steve is very good with guys and they respond well to him. That might be enough for your H to GET the point so you can utilize the program on your own.