You sound as obsessed with her as she is with your H. Honestly just block your linkedin acct from public views, block her from your FB so you don't have to see her stupid replies to things and be done with her.

Her nature is not going to change. If you call her H, that might temporarily get her to slow down, but I assume she'll just get sneakier. Plus, it might just make YOU look crazy and she can easily dismiss you as an insecure wife, which will feed her ego. You're giving her the power to be a threat.

I did MB about 9 years ago and it saved my marriage, so I agree with the principles and I'm not trying to go against them. But honestly you DO sound controlling to me. What gives you the right to tell other people who they can and can't friend on FB? If I had a family member try to tell me this and I was fond of said ex-gf I would see them as insecure and petty. Who cares? Just block her! She had relationships with these people before you were in the picture (I assume). Their mistake is sharing with you that she's asking about your H. That part just seems unnecessary.

In all fairness I also have an easy going personality and this sort of thing wouldn't rattle me, it would amuse me. (And I'm a BW so I do understand the paranoia). But seriously...you must really be getting under her skin. If your husband hasn't given you anything to suspect him of and it's all her then try to just let it go and reduce your online presence a bit.

You're going to make yourself crazy by trying to control her. All you really have control of is yourself and your own reactions. Personally I think she is going to be able to very easily dismiss you to her H as a crazy, insecure jealous wife. And betrayed spouses WANT to believe that you're the crazy one. It's a lot less painful. All you're going to do is send a message to the ex about how powerful she is.

Without your tracking ability or also looking for her posts, you wouldn't know she exists. As long as she isn't corresponding directly with your H, I'd try to let it go. She'll find someone else to obsess on eventually, it's in her nature.

I hope I didn't come across as rude, I really am trying to help you see it from a different perspective

ETA: I don't think that contacting her H is a BAD idea, I just don't think it's going to get the reaction you're hoping for.

wifewholoves, the point to linkedin is for promotion. It's not like FaceBook, where you're looking for friends.

This poster is not being controlling at all. Her husband's actions are a concern to her and cause her worry. Her husband should not engage in actions without his wife's agreement. She has every right to protect her marriage by monitoring the women her husband is in contact with.

Contacting OW's husband will put him on notice. What he thinks of this poster is immaterial. The point is to make the OWH aware of what his wife is doing, which will hopefully help to eradicate this problem.

Hi WWLC,

Thanks for your post. It sounds exactly like what my husband would say but it can sometimes be good to hear it from someone else. It's true, I am much more intense and he is much more laid back about things. My husband thinks I am controlling, too.

I think part of the issue is that if this was happening in isolation, I wouldn't be as stressed about it. But, since I discovered early on in our relationship that they were having really inappropriate correspondences she triggers some really negative emotions for me. He didn't agree to stop corresponding with her right away, when it first happened, I shortened the story, but the longer version is that he defended his relationship with her vehemently until I basically gave him an ultimatum. I think if I knew about MB back then, I would have labeled it an EA.

I think I might just not be fully over it because he never really apologized for it. He basically said that he didn't think it was a big issue and thought the solution was for him to just keep the emails and phone calls more appropriate. He stopped corresponding with her because he was going to lose me if he didn't, not because he saw it was wrong. Well, that might not be fully true because he did admit that some of the content was inappropriate, but he never really made me feel like he "got it", if that makes any sense.

I now have full access to his email and phone records so I know they don't talk now, but there is this little part of me that wonders if she keeps persisting or if he and I hit another rough patch, will they rekindle this again.

I guess life is too short to fret over things that aren't actually happening, though.

Thanks, MB. As I mentioned before, I probably am more "controlling" than my husband but I also think that if I was as laid back as he is, we would have never made it this far.

Gah, that was a DJ, wasn't it? What I meant to say was that I have worked to actively protecting our marriage and in my opinion, it has benefitted us. It has definitely protected my love for him, that's for sure.

This is all I need to see. Penni, if your gut is telling you to be concerned, listen to it! You are NOT being controlling!

Which is why you need to be proactive and make sure any avenues of contact are eliminated. Good job.

The longest day of my life was D-Day. The days are really long for months after that, too. You don't want that kind of long life, believe me.

I wouldn't call what you're doing 'fretting'. I call it 'protecting'. Keep up the good work.

Penni, does your H know about this thread?

Huh? Are you serious? I think her reaction is normal and healthy to a possible threat to her M. And you realize are criticizing her for things (such as asking the family to defriend her on FB) that were suggested TO her, not BY her.

And, sorry, but I think you need to re-familiarize yourself with the mb concepts because Dr Harley takes extraordinary precautions quite seriously and the advice that was given to her by many experienced MBers were along those lines. It has nothing to do with control and everything to do with precautions.

Penni, now that I have the backstory to the original inappropriate correspondence and his lack of repentance, it makes a lot more sense. You aren't being too controlling or overreacting then.

I truly was looking at it from the perspective of they were exes who remained friends and once he chose YOU that he stopped talking w/her, etc. I admit that in your position I'd be irritated as well.

I didn't mean to be so dismissive, was just taking it at face value.

With the new information, I agree, it would hard to just "let go". However, trying to control other people drives me crazy. I'm sort of a reformed control freak. I finally worked very carefully on my own reactions to things and tried to give my H, for example, the freedom to not be monitored 24/7 but work on myself, the positive part of marriage and not focus so much on the negative. Pretty soon it got to the point that I felt our marriage had become (for the most part, I don't believe any are 100%) pretty affair-proof because he became so crazy about me and became so good as expressing himself that if OW contacted him I trusted she would no longer be an attractive option.

I think in some ways EAs can be more insidious because to the WS they can more easily convince themselves there were lines they never crossed. Perhaps that's why he was so easily able to absolve himself from guilt.

Again, thanks for the additional details. I guess I was projecting a little as I know that 10 years ago I would have been as obsessive about how to control OW and it would have made me miserable. I agree that it's healthy to protect your marriage at all costs--contact OW's H, etc, sure. But in the end, you ultimately can't stop OW from obsessing. And browbeating your husband into behaving however you feel he should towards her (i.e. convincing his family members to defriend her, etc) is going to be as dissatisfying as him not talking to her only to appease you. That's all I was trying to get at.

I wish you the best.

Also, I'm curious, if you could pick a way for your H to respond to this, in your greatest fantasy that would leave you feeling the safest and most reassured, what would it be?

Sometimes I'm wrong. I'll try to read more slowly.

Unfortunately, no. I tried to POJA it with him for a long time (which is part of the reason it took me so long to post in the first place) and he couldn't think of any circumstance under which he felt comfortable with me posting. He thought the board would just make me more committed to what he views as an unworkable approach to marriage.

So, posting here is a massive IB on my part. That sucks.

Ah, I see the manipulation tactic in there! MB gets rid of IB and makes partners consider each other, and he doesn't want to consider you on THIS topic, so MB is 'an unworkable approach to marriage'. Sneaky.

Did you ask him what his 'workable approach' to marriage is?

And how old girlfriends fit in?

Have you phoned her husband yet?

This is not Dr Harley's view on how to prevent reignition of affairs. He advocates Extraordinary Precautions (such as changing phone numbers and emails and even moving if necessary) to prevent any type of contact for life, not only for protection but out of respect to the BS.


I don't think Penni wants to stop OW from doing anything but interfering in her M. She only explained what the OW was doing to illustrate how brazen and persistent she is...

Great question, WWLC. I think one primary thing he could do is ask his dad to stop corresponding with her. His dad probably wouldn't stop (the IB acorn doesn't fall far from the tree), but if my H genuinely thought his dad should stop corresponding with her and asked him not to, that would make me feel good. By the way, his mom wishes his dad would stop, too. The rest of the people, I care about less.

Your question got me thinking, that most of what he could do to make me feel protected in this situation, is bigger picture. For example, if he felt like it was his responsibility to meet my needs the way I want them met, that would help. Also, if he could put up protections more globally and if he wanted me to put up protections (he actually urges me to spend time with male friends without him and I refuse), that would help. If he thought the POJA was a great idea and worked hard to use it, I would be totally and completely head over heels.

He thinks that everyone finds their own way in marriage and cannot follow a formula. He believes it is normal for it to be hard and for people to sacrifice and feel less in love than they did when they first got married. He thinks people who get married need to "be their own person" and "have their own independence" or else they will definitely be unhappy.

In his mind, old flames were a special part of our lives and so we should be able to honor them through friendship.

I did try to call her H and got connected to voice mail and then chickened out on calling back. I will try again tomorrow.

The POJA is supposed to be used in RECOVERY, not as a method for a thoughtless, uncaring spouse to have veto power. This is WHY you should not cherry pick this program. Start with the other parts first, ie: falling in love again, eliminating lovebusters and meeting each others ENs. Don't start with the very hardest part of the program when you are in a state of conflict. That is a recipe for failure.

How has that worked for him? He has an unhappy marriage, so I guess his advice doesn't work. Did you see my suggestion to make an appointment with Steve Harley? That is what I would do instead of trying to win a debate wiht someone who is committed to his IB.

He is actually pretty happy in our marriage. I meet his ENs really well and since I have, for the most part, eliminated the LBs, he is pretty satisfied and doesn't seem to desire to be head over heels in love.

I'll bring up talking to SH this weekend, Mel. I did ask for that when things were rockier, and he said there is no way we're doing that, but I will give it another shot.

wwls, if that makes you feel safe then you didn't learn much at MB when you were here before. You apparently are relying on willpower to affair proof your marriage rather than boundaries. Your H should not be trusted to ever be in contact again with his OW and if you think he won't be attracted again, then you don't understand affairs. Any contact, despite his current feelings for you, can and will trigger the feelings he once had for the OW. Why do you think Dr Harley is ADAMANT that there be no contact for life? It is silly to trust your spouse. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages but a lack of boundaries.

My suggestion? Read up on Marriage Builders and familiarize yourself with the concepts before you post to newcomers on this board. Your advice is at wide variance from Dr Harleys.