Hey all, Ive been posting over in SAA and now it looks like i get to come join this side of MB. Im beat up and bruised from a WW and I'm trying to get on with life with my 4 boys. Life has been rough the last several months and my WW will have life no other way other than Div.

Sorry man. Just be the best dad you can and let her go into the darkness...

Wow that song is as bad as she is. Kinda funny and sad. The anger that is inside of me keeps building right now. I'm getting so sick of her WW ways and her lying and her no remorse. She is now flaunting her affair in front of people she knows and its really starting to piss me and everyone she knows off.

Lost,

I know it sounds difficult..no, scratch that. I know it is difficult, cause I'm still battling it. But, the time to let her control your emotions is over. It's time to start detaching. It's a battle of two steps forward, 5 steps back. Just keep moving forward.

I will get through your entire thread on SAA, and come back and post on here. You might want to add a link to the thread in your signature, so everyone here can find it.

I don't like saying it, but welcome to The D.

itsaname is absolutely correct. Detachment is the key here. The goal is to eventually get to indifference, and it is a long road. Once there her actions will have very little influence on you. Eventually she will not longer have the power to influence you, either positively or negatively.

Try to ignore and just focus on getting the best divorce deal you can for you and your kids. Recommend trying to cooperate as much as you can on the little things, as this will save you money in the end. Find a good lawyer that is looking for your interests, but also works towards finding middle ground and getting it over without fighting over everything.

We're here to help and share our experiences. I'm also sorry you are here, but life does get better. You will work through this stuff and come out the other end.

Thanks Sol. I feel that the detachment is coming along right now. She still blows my mind at some of the stunts she keeps pulling, but the emotions for the last week have been on the back burner with her crazy crap. Time does heal and right now its doing its job. Tomorrow or next week may be different thats for sure. but today doing good.

Good to hear. Just keep focusing on you and your children and making the best decisions through the divorce process and your feelings will continue to diminish. Clarity of thought will return and you will continue your own personal recovery. Get used to the pace of life slowing down a bit. Enjoy it but don't get too crazy. Divorce is typically a longer process than you may anticipate.

Keep posting here and ask your questions or just vent if you need to.

lost,

I finally got through your whole thread in SAA. You have not had a good ride my man. Like most of us.

Give us an update of what's going on with your D. Have you filed? Did she file? Have you secured your OWN attorney?

In all honesty, a fog-fantasy-rebellion-filled WW is an excellent adversary in a D process. I'm dealing with one, and she is so painfully behind the power curve. The train is about to hit her in a couple days, and to be honest, I'm not sure she'll even notice it. EDIT: To explain a little further, I mean that a WW that just wants to run away from the "old life" is an excellent adversary. It is somewhat gratifying too that you get to watch the fantasy bubbles pop, one by one.

On the emotional rollercoaster side of things, you will notice yourself bouncing around (almost hourly sometimes) and with emotions you're not sure you should have. As you've heard already, these do balance out and subside. For me, my greatest tool in the coaster has been the knowledge that it is perfectly OK to have these emotions. At that point, you allow youself to accept it, digest it, and move on.

We're all here pulling for you lost. Get your plan together. Limbo is not a state you can afford to be in. Especially as a theoretical single parent, which is what you are.

As with your attempts to reconcile, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Although, at times, you do need to ACT quickly...

She has gone to lawyer and filed. i have signed the papers saying i have been served. The plan was to go to lawyer together and get it over with with minimal problems. She gave a list of things she wanted out of the house which i can deal with. 50/50 custody with me being primary residence, which i guess makes me the primary parent. I hear that is the best thing for them in the custody part. No child support no alimony, but i do get cc bill. I get house and all but one vehicle. no other attachments. she wants kids 2 days a week and every other weekend. How does that sound without going to lawyer?

I told she must put in the papers that om will never be around kids and that started a little war last night and she has backed down from the war part of that already this morning. she wants to put in the papers that she will never leave the kids with him alone. I dont want that period. This is my holdup. I dont see him keeping her much more than a few more months if that.

She has a full time job now and she is moving out of OM place this weekend and rented a town home so she can have the kids w/o other man being around. Her plan is to introduce them down the line. Which i hate. This guy is a player and she has to be short term. I want it over and let her hit bottom. She is evil and i want no part of her. I have 1 appointment with a lawyer in 2 days and can make another appointment with a different at any time. I don't know what lawyer to use, nobody i know has experienced this or have recommendations except for one person. The first one specializes in fighting for men, the second is known to be a bulldog. I hate to spend the extra money if im not going to get a better deal or full custody. I could end up worse if not careful.

I'm inclined to say the custody arrangement is fair and that you could do worse.

How much is the credit card bill or is that even something that you'd haggle with?

How did you agree with respect to legal custody and who claims the children as dependents on income tax returns?

I'd put in the agreement that neither of you have overnight visitors of the opposite sex (unless they are family) when you have the kids. Too, and since she agrees, your children are not to be left alone with OM (and put his name in the papers).

That all sounds pretty good. But, prepare for the fact that she may change her mind. Until it's all final, it isn't final. It looks similar to mine (so far). My STBX agreed, in her response to the petition, to Joint Legal custody and physical placement with me. The terms vary from state to state. It is clear that your STBX she just wants "out". I would of course take it to an attorney, and have him read what she's filed, and see what sort of reputation her attorney has.


While I won't say don't pursue to get this in your agreement, it is my understanding that it isn't enforceable. With this situation, you can only play a reactionary role. The way my attorney explained it, you basically can only prohibit "contact" AFTER said person has been convicted of wrong doing. Have you looked in your state's sex offender registry for OM's name? But, with the "leave kids alone with him" thing, just put in right of first refusal. Meaning, that if either parent is going to get a sitter or the like, the other parent MUST be given the right to have the children during the time. Only after refusal has been made, can the parent in custody leave the child with someone else.



As for which lawyer, choose one you're comfortable with. If you don't want to have a knock-out fight, don't get a bull dog. But, know that bull dogs serve thier purpose...

As for hateing your STBX...it will fade. Remember also, that you cannot control her, and what she does. This includes how, what, and who...and whether or not it affects your kids.

She just handed primary legal custody to me. I will put in there that i use them as deductions. 8000 cc debt. I really cant see her caring about the kids once its over. she says she cares, but actions speak louder than words.

lostman - you're doing well. You are definitely lucky that she wants out - use it to your advantage. In my case, I'm the one who wants out and it's presenting problems that you won't have.

As far as keeping the kids away from OM, do whatever the law will allow you to do. If you do end up with a 'bull dog' attorney, make sure he understands that keeping that POSOM away from the kids is your priority.

Best of luck to you and keep us all informed. You have a good support group here.

Thanks Linus. i will keep let u know what goes on.

That is awesome for you lost. Not so much for your kids, as they'll probably wonder why their mother didn't feel the need to even attempt any custody. Keep and eye on that...

Also, I want to dispell the rumor that putting "who claims child(ren) on taxes" thing. The IRS has clear rules on who gets to, and no state decree will override that. It goes by a) parent who has more days custody that tax year and then b) if physical custody is 50/50, the parent with the higher AGI.

Now, I'm not sure about "community property" states, which may have seperate rules. And, having it in the decree may apply to state taxes. I don't pay state taxes, so I haven't researched that...

Also, I will not refute that if someone has PRACTICAL experience that goes against mine; I will politely bow to that.

Lost, the deal you described actually sounds pretty good to me. You may not be able to control OM meeting or interacting withe the kids, but you definitely can specify the no overnight guest deal. In fact I just did exactly that in my final settlement. It works both ways and isnt specific to a person, just any opposite sex overnights while the kids are there is off limits for me and her for the first year. I think barring any criminal record or history on the OM that clearly demonstrates a threat to your kids, I think you would be hard pressed to get it.

You may want to strike while the iron is hot and get her to agree to that in front of a judge before she starts talking to her friends and finding out what she may be legally entitled to. I sense you still have some hope that she may still come around. If that's the case, maybe a legal separation may be more appropriate at this time. I do suspect that in a little while this affair will die on it's own. During the time apart, really think about what you want and why you want it.

Hang in there man, and we are here for you.

NO, she has burnt to many bridges with me to let her back home. She would have to show me how much she has screwed up and try for a good 6 months before i would consider. Div needs done so her crap stops with me.

Lostman,

I would get that agreement written down and signed as quickly as possible. She is in the "Mr. Wonderful" state of mind, meaning she is making all kinds of favorable concessions just so she can be with OM. Take advantage of this, you will NEVER get such good terms if she wakes up and decides to fight you for more.



I also echo these sentiments. No one wants their kids around a stranger who ruined their marriage, but clauses like this are unenforceable. You cannot dictate who your WW lets around the kids. Have a right of first refusal clause built into the agreement, mine is for anything over 4 hours.

I don't think that she will get to walk away from any financial responsibilty to your boys.....the court will not allow that to happen, they say it is not your place or hers to allow that. That is the childrens financial support from the NCP. The courts just won't allow you to sign away what is rightfully the childrens financial support.

And she shouldn't be allowed to just move on and not have to help financially support those 4 boys anyway. You will be struggling to make ends meet and she will be living la vida loca. Four growing boys will eat you out of house and home. She needs to be the one financially struggling...not you and your children. You need to hold her responsible financially for those boys, you will be glad you did. What no money to go out with OM on because you have to pay support this week...sorry..consequences.

She more than likely will not get alimony anyway, she is now working full time.

My heart bleeds for your boys.

Take care.

I am new here, but I put in my divorce order that the children would have no contact with OW while in the custody of WH. I had it signed by the judge with no questions asked. That way it covered the overnight stays and the play dates or whatever else they had planned.But just so you now , my WH did not want it in the order and called me every name in the book... He also threatens to have it removed from our divorce paperwork, I dare him.Good Luck