So I have been Plan Aing , but Plan B goes into effect because of the finding of a good IM on may 14th. It is very hard to hear his crap about wanting to marry OW and be with her, they are soul mates, they have so many common things,he is going top spend night at her house to punish me for child support court date on may 9, blah,blah blah....

The reason I went into Plan A is because I did not do this right. I found out about the affair in Nov 2010 and never exposed to anyone until Feb when he left to other state with his parents. I fought and cried and begged and then found out I was sick.
Now I am on AD, am seeing a therapist for my own depression. I wrote down both of our ENs and am trying to do this per MB principles. I read this forum until I fall asleep every night. I am trying so hard, but my heart hurts for me and my children.

So if I am doing this, I do it right. I am going to end Plan A and start Plan B on May 14.

Thanks to all who comment.

So I am in Plan B. Locks are changed,letter sent and received by WH. He tried calling me to discuss @1 am, I shut phone off and went to bed. He texted today and I blocked him. My IM is temporary until my sis in law comes back from out of town on 13th. This is hard, I am scared. I want this to work. I had to do this, for my sanity. I could not hear his hateful vile crap anymore. He cannot possibly be the man I love, the man I married.

So how are things? Hope today was a little better.

I have a question. how do you not worry about what the WS is doing, if he is seeing her, if they are talking? I mean some days
I wake up determined to be okay, but some days I can barely focus? Can I have some advice?

TornBrokenApart,

The only thing you can do is keep yourself busy and try not to think about him, redirect your mind. I know what you mean it drives you crazy wondering.......
Try to breathe and calm yourself...........only time heals what is going on.........you will get stronger every day that passes.........go out for a walk, visit friends.......take a bath........sleep early, take sleeping pills so you can be rested.....
Join new things, volunteer........
jessi

It sounds so trivial or dismissive, but I think you have to force yourself to be distracted by something else-- kids, hobby, friends, doing something good for others, charities, etc.

You may try something along the lines of "I'm not going to worry about this now, I'm going to do [something good] instead, and I'll worry about this in an hour." Then repeat. It's all you can do, just try to get past the five minutes, then the next hour, then the next day, the next week when you cannot see that far into the future.

They say it gets better, you know.

Thank you both Jessi and Nwood. I am trying. I am okay at times during the day, but at night , when the kids are asleep and I am alone, it hard. I need to do this. I cannot fail. I read on here how I will heal and I will be better no matter the outcome, but I want my marriage. Is that selfish? I am in Plan B to save my marriage.... I cant see past that yet...And sadly at night I pray that I want my life back... before this nightmare began... But no this is my life and I dont know where to start.. But I am breathing..

Another thing, well two things. He is picking up kids tomorrow for an overnight stay at hotel until Saturday. I will be at my clinicals for school so my mom will handle giving him the kids. So no contact there.She will also get them from him on Saturday. On Monday we have court for a modification in child support since he has a new job now. I have to see him. I don't want to, but my lawyer said I have to. How do you handle that in Plan B?

Don't look at him or speak to him. Let the attorneys handle the conversations. Tell your attorney, in advance, that you don't want to speak to your husband. Maybe he can offer some suggestions?

My lawyer says that I do not need to speak to him, but I need to be there. I can do that . I am so hurt right now with his antics , that I don't want to look at him. NWood the vile things he said this week before Plan B , ripped my heart out. I just need to stay focused on me and the boys, and I swear no amount of AD's can take this away. I am on a roller coaster and I want off....My WH must be out of his mind. HE seriously justifies the affair and that I should remove her name from my divorce papers because he might marry her.HE left us, so he can be with who he wants,when he wants , whenever he wants! Really??? WTH??? Breathe.. Breathe.. Breathe...I cannot be the only one who after hearing this crap, goes out to garage , grabs baseball bat , writes both WH and OW name on it in marker and wishes...I cannot be the only one...But I do nothing.... because I am better than that.. but for a few minutes I really want to break his truck...

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Please just try to remind yourself (it's hard, I know!) that this is NOT your H, but a wayward spouse who has basically lost his mind.

Listen to me, every distressed BS that goes to Plan B ends up in a BETTER place after the initial withdrawal so please try to hang in there. Hope & Grace is one recent poster that I can think of although I think she had her original thread deleted. I was very worried about her and she is in a completely different place now.

Try very hard to redirect your thoughts every time they drift to your H and the A. Do anything you can to keep yourself busy, exercise, projects around the house, activities with the kids, post here, anything. It will get easier.

Hang in there!

Torn, I amin Plan B as well and just started a motion a against my husband to keep up his pay schedule that we have had. He just decided to stop this month. I think about my hisband everyday and mourn the loss for me and my 2 boys. My 2 year old says "I want daddy to come over". It kills me and 5 Year old just thinks he works all of the time. I have not spoken to him in 4 months. It is still hard and he says mean and nasty things. Although unlike your husband he thinks we should be friends' friends do not treat each other this way. But on some level I do miss him a bit (the old husband I knew) everyday and still have some hope. My family thinks I should divorce and get rid of him.
Good Luck, I never thought I would be here with two little boys. It is hard....I am glad you are in good health.

Susie and Mason thank you! He tried the friend thing, I said HELL no!I want a my husband , a faithful husband, loving caring, not a friend! My family too thinks I am crazy and deserve a non cheating husband. But I know that under all that fog, mu husband is.. I need him to have a wake up call.

Wow TBA, you're being put through the ringer. So sorry.

One thing I've done throughout my ordeal is keep a written journal. I've posted to it just about every day since D-day (now 200+ pages!). It's been very therapeutic. It's definitely interesting to go back and look at what I wrote and was feeling a year ago on any particular day. I'm certainly in a better emotional place than I was back then.

Also, I hate to say this, but you need to keep in mind... the wake up call for your husband... may never come.

Trying thank you. I know. I read all the posts and I know.. but I don't want to accept it. I fight it . I know that if I look back at his behavior in the last year, I will have to accept that he might not come back. I know that he will be here to pick up boys tomorrow to take them to school.I will already be gone to school very early. He lives 250 miles away. I know that he is probably at OW home right now, she lives not even a mile from me. But I am home. Posting like everyone tells me. So I don't do things that will cost me my career and most importantly, my four beautiful boys. I read this forum and the book all the time. I read it like it is food for my soul. I read so much on here that I feel like a stalker. Hoping all the time, praying that this will work out.

Honestly , I have not truly cried. I keep going to school, dealt with my health scare, try being a good mom, keep eating healthy and losing weight. I am trying. But tell me that this pain gets better. I am crying so much tonight , my chest hurts. I feel like someone died. I feel like this affair took the life out of me. Nothing tastes the same, music doesn't make me happy. The AD's must be working because I am still functioning, but I feel numb or hurt all the time.
I am listening, please don't stop posting on my thread. Everyone here is my lifeline. I tried to do this my way and I was wrong. Now I am doing this the right way, the MB way. I just want to know when does this start to look better?

Tornapart,

You are grieving and what you are going through is normal and natural. You and your boys are suffering a great loss. The pain is going to be there for a while, but in time, it will recede a bit as you move on in your own thinking.

I never had to do Plan B, for which I am thankful, but from what I read, Plan B is for you so you can live your life without having to interact with your WS and subject yourself to that torment. When my FWH was deployed for long periods of time, I had to find things to do to not only occupy my time but also my mind.

Sounds like you're on the right track. Keep doing things that help build yourself up, maybe learn some new things. I took classes in belly dancing through our city, also yoga. Both were enjoyable and very helpful to my state of mind, especially when I found out the adultery.

I admire your strength in holding your family together and keeping yourself going. Keep on keeping on...

Torn, I remember the hurting heart. It felt like my heart literally weighed 1000 pounds. It will get easier hon, especially when you're deeper into Plan B. For now, every time you hear from him or about him, it sets your personal recovery back.

With Plan B, your WH has to face the reality of no you in his life. It's easy to say this is what he wants when he knows you're on the back burner. When you remove yourself an option, OW is forced to meet ALL of his needs, but of course, she won't be able to because there are some needs that only YOU can meet as his wife. She's not his wife. Take this time to focus on YOU, start doing things that will improve you. You deserve it.

Good for you for naming her in your divorce! That's awesome. Is she named as a third party or just as part of a statement of fact re adultery?

While you're new to Plan B, I suggest that you read Scotty's thread. It's long, but full of her day-to-day experiences in Plan B. There's a TON of great advice and suggestions for getting through Plan B there. She's the Plan B Queen IMO.

Here's a link to her thread: Scotty's Thread

(((Torn)))

Thanks 51cd30 and Princess Meggy, I appreciate all the posts.
My state is a no fault divorce state. When he was desperate to be gone I filed divorce papers so I could gain physical custody of house and the boys. In the temporary order I asked my lawyer if he could add her name and that she was to have no contact with the boys when he had them during visitation. WH signed it and the judge signed it. I got lucky because he was so busy denying her to be the reason he was gone, that he knew if he asked to remove it, I would know the TRUTH! Which I knew anyways.

Today was hard. He got to my home early but I was out the door thru the garage as he rang the front doorbell. He walked in as I drove off. He has text me alot today and called, but I do not respond. I am lucky my mom handed off kids and dealt with him. My older boys can take the two little ones out so I don't have to see him during future visits. But you are right knowing of him makes me a nervous wreck. Knowing he is in the town where she lives bothers me. She lives near me but he lives out of state with his mom. I hope and pray that as more time passes , this will get better.

So today I get a call from my lawyer saying WH has to work this Monday and can we change date for court to 19th. I agreed since I need to be a little stronger I think to see him. Even if I don't look at him. I will know he is there. Maybe I need to up my AD's. I slept well last night knowing I cannot control him, but I can not lose sleep or be a nervous wreck because of him and that hoe bag!

How long ago did you start your ADs? I think they take a little bit of time to really kick in.

Is he coming into your home? Because that can't happen, Torn. That is a terrible idea. And his texting you is going to keep you stuck. I would think about changing your number.

I asked Scotty to check in on you and also maybe Hope will too since they have both been in your shoes. Hang in there!

Hi Susie ! I just called Verizon and they walked me through blocking him.So he cannot call or text me. Well he can but I will not know about it. Yes he came today to pick up baby and six year old. I was gone. I am emailed my IM to reiterate that he is not to come in the house and he is to call my sons' cell phones when he is outside and they will come outside to meet him with their brothers. My IM is on the phone with me now and she is emailing him now. I know now that this was wrong to let him in the house but I thought as long as I was not here and he did not see me. my mother was very upset at this also. I started them March 17th or 18th. I thought they would have kicked in already, I mean I feel better, but maybe right now I need a higher dose.